


Tough Cookie

by chasingpegasus



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Developing Relationship, F/M, First Date, First Kiss, First Love, First Time, Friendship, Intimacy, teenagers in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-01
Updated: 2017-12-02
Packaged: 2018-04-24 03:02:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 39
Words: 123,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4903033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chasingpegasus/pseuds/chasingpegasus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This story begins in gymnasium in Heppenheim (among other places) where Hanna meets Sebastian. Where will it end? I don’t know, but I know that I want to write about many things: about their first intimate experiences, their sorrows and joys, their mutual support in hardship. I want to write about their love and I hope you want to read about it. (Currently having a break, the story ends in 2007, but I'm hoping to write more in the future).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Nobody wants to be lonely

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hanna dreams of a boyfriend. Kai, the local heart-throb, finally notices her, but her first romantic experience turns sour. It could have been worse if it weren’t for Vettel.

Hanna was standing in front of the mirror. The blue dress was her favourite, but why did it make her look so flat?

Since she got her first period, a week before her twelfth birthday, she’d been eagerly waiting for her breasts to grow a little. It'd been a year and she still didn’t need a bra.

And if that wasn’t enough, there was also this pimple… right in the middle of her nose!

When she heard someone knock on the door, she considered pretending she wasn’t home. It would be hard to fool Lulu anyway.

“Ready?” Hanna’s best friend checked her out. “You look like you’re going to church.”

“I don’t feel that well today…”

Lulu stepped in, glancing around. “If you want to have a boyfriend, you have to make a little effort. Kai and the guys are already in the park.”

Kai. Hanna’s heart skipped a beat at the mere sound of his name. So tall and strong.

Kai was already seventeen. Half of the girls at school were making sheep’s eyes at him, but he wasn’t dating anyone at the moment. From the day Hanna told Lulu about her infatuation with the blond, her friend was using every opportunity to cross paths with him.

“Where does your mom keep the makeup?”

“In the bedroom, but...”

Bug-eyed, Hanna watched Lulu stroll into her parents’ bedroom and pick up whatever she liked from the dressing table.

“What are you doing? Mom’s going to kill me!”

“Don’t panic. I'll put everything back in place.”

 _I could have pretended I'm not home_ , Hanna thought when Lulu dragged her to her room.

“Sit down,” she ordered, and went to turn the music on.

The first notes of Britney Spears’ “Lucky” blasted from the speakers. Britney was Hanna’s favourite singer.

Lulu reached for the bottle with skin foundation. “The pimple will be gone in a sec,” she announced with conviction.

Hanna exhaled slowly, surrendering to beautification.

“Listen to what Britney is singing. This girl, Lucky, she had everything, but still cried at night because she had no one to share happiness with.”

Hanna felt her face itch.  _Don’t scratch it_ , she told herself.

When she dared to look in the mirror, the pimple disappeared. So did the freckles. Staring back at her was an attractive girl with pink lips and thick eyelashes.

“Wait a moment...” Lulu grabbed a pair of socks from the drawer. “Put them in your bra.”

Hanna gaped at her.

“Boys like boobs. It will draw his attention.”

Hanna obeyed her friend reluctantly.

“Finally, you look like a woman,” Lulu commented. “Just try not to grin. Do you know why?”

“Because I’ll look like a rabbit.”

 

***

 

Trying to mimic the way Lulu rocked her hips, Hanna walked through the park.

“Don’t look to the left, don’t look to the left!” Lulu chirped.

“Hey, Hanna Banana.”

Hanna recognised Kai’s low voice.

 _He remembers my name_ , she thought.  _Maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea to go out after all._

“You look different.” Kai’s blue eyes scanned her body.

Lulu pulled her to the bench, but instead of sitting down normally, she climbed on the backrest.

Hanna sat next to her, adjusting her dress in case someone tried to catch a glimpse of her underwear.

“You’re in the same year?” Kai continued, stepping closer. He smelled nice. He had his famous rubber ball with him. Lulu once said he needed it to keep his hands busy. It distracted him whenever he felt like smoking. “That means you’re thirteen as well, right?”

Hanna felt warmth flooding her face. For the first time in her life she was really close to her love interest.

“Are you writing a diary, Kai?” Lulu cut in, her voice oddly high-pitched.

“Can I sit next to you?” Kai asked, ignoring Hanna’s friend.

“Sure.” Hanna threw a furtive glance at his face; he was staring in a very intense way.

Nearby, Kai’s best friends Ginger and Carlos were demonstrating their skateboard skills.

“So ... what have you been up to?” Kai’s arm brushed against her skin. “Wanna go for a walk sometime? Just you and me?”

Ginger and Carlos barely managed to jump out of the way of a speeding bicycle.

“Watch it, Vettel!”

“Oh no...” Lulu groaned. “He’s stalking you again.”

Hanna peered at the skinny cyclist, who was already disappearing behind the trees. She saw him often, but he never bothered her. He hadn’t spoken a word to her so far.

“Here he comes again...”

Indeed, the boy was now approaching from the other side, a fierce expression on his face, thick curls sticking out in all directions.

Hanna noticed that everyone around was staring, as if anticipating his fall. But he rode swiftly down the stairs, made a quick circle around the fountain and looked straight at her.

“Get lost, Shaggy. She’s already taken,” Kai shouted after him, putting an arm around her.

She almost fell off the bench from excitement.

“Don’t faint, princess.” Kai hugged her tightly. “So, let’s talk about that date.”

 

***

 

She felt as if invisible wings carried her home. All she wanted to do was jump on the bed and hug a pillow.

“What’s on your face?” Mom stopped her at the threshold, looking at her disapprovingly. “Wash it off, immediately. Little girls shouldn’t wear make-up.”

“I'm not a little girl...” Hanna grunted, but her mother was adamant.

“Bathroom. Now.”  She pointed at the door.

Getting rid of the mascara proved to be a challenge. Eyes red from soap and tears, Hanna locked herself in her room and looked in the mirror.

The girl with a pimple was back.

 _If you want to have a boyfriend, you have to make a little effort_ , she recalled.

Hugging a pillow, she imagined Kai’s handsome face and the two of them walking through a park holding hands. It would look a bit funny, since she was so much shorter…

She spent the rest of the day flipping through interior design catalogues, imagining her future home with Kai and listening to ‘Nobody Wants to Be Lonely’.

 

***

 

There was no other choice; she had to lie. Mom would never let her leave the house on Sunday. Sunday was a day for the family.

“Lulu just remembered she has to finish her art project for Monday. She still needs some outdoor pictures and I promised to be her model.”

Hanna’s parents made sour faces. But since she already had a pretty dress on and nicely braided hair, they could see how much she cared.

“Just come back before dinner,” her dad allowed.

Hanna grabbed her purse and ran out of the house. She still had to see Lulu before the date.

Her friend lent her a special push-up bra; even stuffed up with socks it kept a convincing shape.

“Your lips must look tempting,” Lulu said, putting carmine lipstick on her lips. “You’re so pretty in red. Where will you meet him?”

“At the cake shop.”

 

***

 

Lulu walked Hanna to the corner of the street. “I can see him,” she said. “He looks gorgeous.”

Kai was standing in front of the cake shop, glancing at his watch. He was wearing light jeans and a white shirt, a sports jacket in his hand.

“Call me as soon as you get home.” Lulu checked Hanna’s make-up for the last time. “Now go and steal his heart.”

Hanna tried to rock her hips while walking, but it didn’t feel right. Especially since she was wearing heels.

Luckily, Kai only noticed her when she stopped in front of him.

“Hey, beautiful.” He smiled, flashing his white teeth.

 _Like a movie star_ , Hanna thought. _Should I greet him with a kiss?_

Kai took her hand. “Let’s go, babe.”

“I thought we were going to the cake shop,” she said, surprised by the direction he’d chosen.

“Are you hungry?”

“No,” she said, blushing a bit.

Kai led her to a car. “I want to spend some time alone with you. There’s no privacy here,” he said, getting out the keys.

“Is this your car?”

“You like it?”

“I thought you need to be eighteen to get a driving license.”

 _Oh, shut up_ , she scorned herself in her mind. _Stop being so boring._

“You do. But there are exceptions.”

When she took a seat in the car, he closed the door after her like a real gentleman.

Hanna felt something under her bottom, so she slid a hand under her dress: it was Kai’s rubber ball.

“Oh, let me take that,” he held out his hand.

When their fingers brushed against each other, a shiver ran down Hanna’s body.

But pleasant sensations ended quickly. Hanna was suffering from motion sickness, so now she started to pray they would reach their destination as quickly as possible.

Annoyingly enough, there were many intersections in Heppenheim, and a lot of people crossing the streets. So Kai was slowing down and accelerating. And slowing down again.

He told her about his parents – both lawyers, and how they expected him to follow in their footsteps.

“I'd rather do business.”

Hanna couldn’t focus on his words.

“How about you, what are your plans?”

“My plan for now is to finish gymnasium.”

“Oh, I forgot how young you are,” he smiled charmingly and caressed her cheek.

His touch left her speechless for a while. When she finally plucked up her courage, ready to tell him about her interests, he stopped the car.

Hanna looked around. There were fields and greenery everywhere, houses so distant that their inhabitants would need a telescope to see what’s going on in the car.

What was going on in the car?

Kai moved closer and Hanna felt his smell again. It was manly and overwhelming.

“Has anyone ever kissed those sweet lips of yours?”

Kai’s fingers moved from Hanna’s cheek to her ear.

She expected a delightful thrill, instead she felt uneasy.

_I'm alone. In his car._

_But he's Kai. Kai is a gentleman,_ she tried to reassure herself.

“Don’t worry. I'll be gentle.” He leaned toward her. 

Hanna held her breath.

_Trust him. He knows what he's doing._

Kai tasted her lips. She couldn’t move. She was hot. Too hot.

Since she didn’t resist, Kai grasped her chin and kissed her deeper.

_Too deep. Too wet._

“Wait,” she said shyly, putting a hand on Kai’s chest, feeling his tense muscles. And the heat emanating from his skin.

“What’s wrong?” His eyes were strange. He had traces of red lipstick on his lips.

Hanna shifted to the other edge of her seat. “I have motion sickness. I’m afraid I will feel sick for the rest of the day.”

“You should’ve said something.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“Maybe you’ll feel better after a walk?”

“I doubt it.”

Kai sighed. “I'll drive you home.”

“I'd rather get out near the cake shop.”

 

***

 

Before she returned home, she went to the restroom at McDonald's to get rid of the makeup.

“How was the session?” her dad asked when she came home.

“Awful,” she said, barely holding back tears.

“Why?”

“Because I’m an awful model.”

 

***

 

This song made her feel even worse.

_Nobody wants to be lonely. Nobody wants to cry._

Of course she didn’t want to cry, but what else was there to do after she ruined her first date? And her first kiss.

_My body's longing to hold you so bad it hurts inside._

Bundled in a duvet, Hanna imagined Kai’s arms.

_If he could just cuddle me ... just cuddle. Nothing more._

 

***

 

“You were supposed to call me.” Lulu caught up with Hanna in the school corridor and blocked the entrance to the restroom, a sulky expression on her face.

“I forgot,” Hanna lied. “Let me pass, please.”

“Tell me about the date first!”

Hanna pushed her friend, irritated. “I won’t talk about my boyfriend behind his back.”

Lulu's eyes widened. “I thought we were friends.”

“What's that got to do with it?” Hanna finally got to the stall, closed the door and hurriedly unbuttoned her trousers.

The bell rang. Relieved to have an empty bladder again, Hanna rushed to wash her hands.

Lulu, of course, didn’t think to wait for her. Did she have to upset her just before the math test?

Hanna flung the bag over her shoulder and ran into the hallway.

When she noticed Kai carelessly bounce his rubber ball right in front of her classroom, she froze.

He was staring at the ball, so she managed to escape back to the restroom unnoticed.

He was waiting for her. But why? To apologize? Will he try to kiss her again? It was probably to be expected, since they were dating.

The test had already started ... Tears of helplessness welled up in her eyes.

At the sound of footsteps she closed herself in a stall and held her breath.

Someone entered. “Is everything all right?”

It wasn’t Kai’s voice. It was a bit higher and much more vibrant.

“Do you need a napkin?” A tanned hand appeared under the stall door.

“You shouldn’t be in the ladies' room.”

“I wanted to wish you good luck for the test and I saw you walk in here. I thought that you felt bad.”

 _It’s Vettel_ , Hanna realized. She didn’t need to hide from him.

He didn’t step away from the door quickly enough and she hit his head going out.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s nothing,” he grinned, but a second later closed his mouth self-consciously. She still managed to notice he could use some braces.

He was tall, but constantly hunched. He had a pimple in the middle of his nose, just like her. And a few more here and there, but it didn’t look tragic.

“I have to go to class, but Kai is standing there.”

“Did he hurt you?” Vettel’s voice hardened.

“I just don’t feel like talking to him,” Hanna said, wiping her eyes.

Vettel looked at her, frowning. “I got it,” he assured, shoving the pack of napkins into his pocket.

When he turned to leave the restroom, Hanna looked at his hair. Seemed very fluffy. He probably washed it every morning.

She opened the door just a crack to watch Vettel approach Kai.

“What do you want, Shaggy?” Kai gave him a look that Hanna didn’t like at all.

Vettel stopped two steps from him, without a word. He seemed so small compared to Kai.

“What’s your problem?” The older boy frowned.

Vettel kept staring at him. 

Hanna glanced at her watch. Almost ten minutes since the test started. Her heart was beating like crazy.

“Something’s seriously wrong with you,” Kai summed up and went back to bouncing his ball against the floor, ignoring the other boy.

But the second he let go of the ball, Vettel snatched it and broke into a run.

“You idiot!” Kai rushed after him.

And Hanna, pale with nerves, hurried down the empty corridor to her class.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next chapter: Sebastian saves Hanna from Kai again. And pays a heavy price.


	2. The photograph

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the awkward date Hanna keeps avoiding Kai. But the universe conspires against her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all your kind words and feedback I received. I hope you like this chapter too.

Not only she answered all the questions, she also helped Lulu, so her friend wasn’t angry anymore.

“He's at the school yard,” she said when she noticed Hanna look around the hall.

“Who?”

“Kai. I thought you were looking for him.”

“What is Vettel’s name?” Hanna asked instead.

Lulu rolled her eyes. “Sebastian. What do you need him for?”

“He helped me with something. I want to thank him.”

“Don’t give him false hope. He’s sucking up to you because he knows he’s too ugly.”

“He’s not that ugly,” Hanna argued.

“Have you seen his ears? They are odd and… big.”

“What’s wrong with big ears?” Hanna scowled at her friend.

Lulu made an innocent face. “Nothing.” She couldn’t stop herself from glancing at Hanna’s ears. “You better ignore him or he’ll never leave you alone.”

“But he’s not bothering me at all.”

“Just smile at him and he’ll be convinced that you want to kiss him,” Lulu grimaced.

Hanna winced as well, though she wasn’t thinking of Sebastian.

 

***

 

“You think Kai did it?” Hanna asked, staring at the empty spot on the corkboard.

Until yesterday, a picture of her winning a floral arrangement competition had been hanging right there.

“He fancies you,” Lulu replied with conviction. “He’s probably staring at that picture and sighing right now.”

“But I looked so… silly,” Hanna sighed, remembering how she had grinned at the camera.

 

***

 

“Since you don’t have to babysit your brother, let's go sunbathe at the lake,” Hanna’s friend suggested when they finished their homework.

Despite the late afternoon, it was still hot. Before they reached the beach, they were both sweaty and red from the sun.

Hanna pulled a bottle of water out of the bag. “Let's find some shade.”

They walked among the trees close to the shore until they reached a sheltered place, far from the road.

“I’m melting. I won’t make another step,” Lulu decided, taking the bottle out of Hanna’s hand.

“Someone left their clothes here…” Hanna noticed.

“Hey, look who's here!” The water rippled as Ginger, one of Kai’s friends, appeared from the rushes.

A moment later, he was joined by Carlos. “Get in!”

“We don’t have swimsuits,” Lulu replied.

“Neither do we,” Carlos sniggered.

Lulu smiled at Hanna. “What do you think?”

“No way.”

“Then keep frying,” Lulu took her shirt off over her head. “Turn around!” she shouted to the boys.

“Come on. Don’t be like that!” Ginger laughed, emerging a bit from the water; he really was naked.

“Turn around, guys. Don’t act like pigs.” Hanna heard Kai’s calm voice.

She saw his broad shoulders above the water and thought of the body underneath.

Lulu undressed quickly and ran into the lake, squealing. Hanna always admired her friend’s courage. When Lulu wanted something, nothing could stop her from getting it. She didn’t care what people thought.

“Don’t come any closer!” she shouted, splashing Carlos with water while taking a step toward him herself.

“Hey, pretty.” Kai attracted Hanna’s attention. “Come here. Don’t make me ask.”

Hanna shook her head.

“Or else I’ll come for you.”

“I don’t want to get wet.”

“I’m coming.” Kai kept emerging from the water, a smug smile on his lips as if she was the one provoking him.

“Stop fooling around,” she said, looking away.

“I’m serious. And seriously in love…”

Lulu giggled, staring at Kai’s ass.

“If you don’t want to come to me, I’ll come to you.”

Hanna felt her hands get cold.

“You need to cool down or you’ll get a sunstroke.”

“Drop her into the water!” Ginger encouraged.

“Shut up,” Lulu splashed him again to get his attention.

Hanna opened her mouth, but couldn’t utter a word.

Kai was just a step away, when suddenly someone jumped out of the bushes, grabbed something from the sand and sprinted away.

“Vettel, you cunt! You'll regret it!” Kai yelled, pursuing him.

Hanna threw a glance at Kai’s naked body before taking advantage of the momentary confusion to disappear in the thickets.

 

***

 

She walked and walked, brushing off cobwebs and branches clinging to her shirt, but the road was nowhere to be seen.

The water bottle remained on the beach, and to make matters worse, her shoes were rubbing her feet sore, the left heel already seeping blood.

_You're an idiot, Hanna. And a coward. You should’ve told him what you think of him straight away._

The grass rustled behind her.

Hanna picked up the pace, the ground under her feet becoming oddly muddy. She waved her arms, but couldn’t stop the fall. Frogs started croaking merrily as she landed on her butt, soaking her shorts right through.

“Hanna? Are you okay?”

Vettel again.

“I think I sprained my ankle…”

Sebastian bent down. She thought it was to help her to her feet, but he picked her up, making her head spin.

“I noticed you from the distance. The ground is too boggy here, so I left my bike on the road and followed you on foot,” he explained, carrying her to a dry slope.

After putting her on sandy ground, he crouched, staring at her ankle.

“Do you have something to drink?” she asked.

“Yes. Let me just get my bike.”

It was lying in the bushes a few meters away. He brought it over and gave Hanna a bottle. “That's all I have left.”

She emptied the bottle, feeling the boy's gaze on her.

“I don’t get what you see in this Kai. He’s too old for you.”

“Why do you care? It’s not your business.”

“I don’t like him.”

“He doesn’t like you either. Do you have a handkerchief or something?”

“I have something…” he said, handing her white briefs. Stolen from Kai, apparently.

Hanna withdrew her hand. “Take that away from me!”

Sebastian chuckled, and although she felt annoyed, she couldn’t be angry with him.

“I wouldn’t touch them with a stick.”

“I thought girls like souvenirs from their idols.” Grinning from ear to ear he attached the briefs to the rear fender.

Hanna smiled too.

She was going to say something, but forgot what that was.

It got quiet.

_I’m happy_ , she realized. _I’m happy because he’s happy._

“I better take you home. Your ankle doesn’t look good.”

“But there’s no carrier on your bike.”

“You can sit on the crossbar.”

Sebastian helped her to get up, then picked up the bike and extended his arm. “Can you do it?”

She hopped on, making the bike leaned to the side, but Sebastian quickly got it under control.

“Are you comfortable?”

“More or less…” Hanna felt the boy’s breath on her cheek, his arms gently squeezing her sides when he grabbed the handle bars.

He was riding carefully, avoiding high curbs and boldly pedalling uphill.

Why couldn’t Kai be as nice as Vettel? Maybe she was the problem? Maybe she didn’t need a boyfriend, but just a friend?

Vettel knew her address. She didn’t ask how he got it.

She pushed the doorbell button, and then her father came to help her inside.

Sebastian was gone before she could thank him.

 

***

 

“So what happened at the lake?” her mom asked during dinner.

“I slipped on mud.”

“Who was that boy who came with you?”

Hanna felt pleasant tingling in her stomach. “Sebastian Vettel. He’s one class above.”

“Vettel, Vettel...” Her dad's eyes narrowed. “Sounds familiar. Ah! It's that little racer. I know his father. He used to race as well.”

Hanna remembered that once the headmaster handed Sebastian some kind of diploma. Lulu would know more, but Hanna didn’t want to ask her.

With her ankle still swollen, she didn’t go to school the next day, and then it was the weekend. She felt that she should make some decision about Kai, but kept delaying it.

Unluckily, when her family went to the restaurant on Saturday evening, Kai and his parents happened to seat just a few tables away.

“What’s wrong?” Her mother noticed her uneasiness straight away.

“The Muellers” Hanna’s dad whispered. “The lawyers I was telling you about the other day.” He turned to his wife. “I heard their son is learning the tricks of their profession too.”

“I know. I was Kai’s English teacher,” Hanna’s mother replied. “He’s a very intelligent young man. In three or four years he’ll be a perfect match for you,” she added, turning to her daughter.

Hanna scowled. “How do you know?”

Mom didn’t have time to answer, because Kai stood up and headed for the restroom. Passing by their table, he exchanged greetings with her mother, but ignored Hanna completely.

“Why are you so grumpy?” Her dad asked after she gave up on the dish she had barely tasted.

“My ankle hurts.”

 

***

 

That night before bed she recalled how Sebastian smiled at her after hanging Kai’s briefs on the fender.

His smile was contagious. And nice.

She remembered the warmth of Sebastian’s body as he picked her up from the mud.

_I will meet him tomorrow at school_ , she realized. _He will certainly be happy to see me._

_***_

 

When dad was driving her to school on Monday morning, she had to keep herself from singing. Everything seemed wonderful, despite the fact that the swelling on her ankle wasn’t gone yet.

“You sure you’ll manage?” Her father asked when she was getting out of the car.

“Yes! Thank you. I love you dad.”

He looked at her in surprise, but she was limping to the main door already.

The bell rang and first-graders stormed out of classrooms, colliding with her as if she were invisible.

The crowd swarmed the corridor, but when Hanna spotted Sebastian, the world around seized to exist.

He was wearing gym clothes, rummaging in his locker for something.

Hanna quickened her pace, but her ankle protested with pain.

“Ouch,” she hissed. Sebastian raised his head, noticing her. Confused, he glanced around.

_I'm coming to you, silly_ , she thought, grinning.

Sebastian made a step before Kai blocked his way.

Hanna froze.

_Will he hit him or push him?_

Her second guess was correct, but before it happened, Carlos approached Vettel from behind, grabbed his shorts and pulled them down along with the underwear.

Sebastian tried to pull them back up, but Kai shoved him, making him land on his butt.

Hanna stopped breathing, burning with the boy’s shame as if it were her own.

Everyone was staring. Girls snorted and boys pointed fingers.

“Monkey boy!” someone shouted.

Sebastian clumsily pulled his shorts up and ran out.

“Where have you been, beautiful?” Kai approached Hanna and put his arm around her, as if nothing  had happened.

“Don’t touch me.” She pushed him off. “I don’t want to have anything to do with you.”

“What's gotten into you?”

“Fuck off!” she screamed so loudly the entire Heppenheim probably heard her.

Kai looked at her like she was crazy. “As you wish.”

“I bet she’s on her period…” Carlos summed up, before they finally disappeared from Hanna’s sight.

The bell rang and the crowd slowly thinned out.

Hanna remained still, staring at the floor. Something was lying there. Some kind of card. Students were stepping on it, hurrying to their classrooms.

When she picked it up, it turned out to be a picture of her from the floral arrangements contest. Sebastian must have dropped it when Kai pushed him. The date of the event was added on the back of it in his neat handwriting.

Tears glistened in Hanna’s eyes, but her face remained stern.

Shoving the photo into her English textbook, she headed for the principal’s office.


	3. Secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hanna comes up with an idea to improve Sebastian’s mood.

It was the weirdest house on _Daimlerstrasse_. It seemed very old, and a part of it resembled a turret of a castle.

The gate to the yard was ajar, so Hanna got inside.

Sebastian’s bicycle was standing next to the front door.

Someone pressed the handle when Hanna was climbing the first step.

A woman with short, dark hair appeared in the doorway. A Dalmatian jumped from behind her legs. Hanna took a step back.

“Don’t be afraid, he doesn’t bite,” the woman assured.

The dog sniffed Hanna’s knee and ran to the bushes.

“Good morning. I’m Hanna. Is Sebastian home?” Hanna asked.

The woman studied her. “Are you the Hanna that sprained an ankle?”

Hanna felt blush blooming on her cheeks. “Yes, it's me.”

“I’m Sebastian’s mom. And I hope you can explain what happened on Monday. Sebastian has been hiding at home or in our camper for three days now. He doesn’t want to talk to anyone.”

At the memory of Sebastian’s humiliation Hanna felt a stabbing pain in her chest.

“An older boy was rude to me and Sebastian stood in my defence. But then the boy got back at him...” she said, deciding to keep the details to herself. “Sebastian didn’t come to school, so I got a bit worried.”

“You're not the only one,” _Frau_ Vettel said. “I hope you can convince him to come out. You’ll find him in the camper.”

“Thank you.” Hanna headed to the parking lot at the other side of the house.

Her legs were shaking a little. If this lady knew what she was planning, she would’ve slammed the gate in her face.

Was it really that crazy? It must be, since the very thought was making her sweat.

The door of the trailer was closed. Hanna adjusted her green sweater and knocked.

“I'm not hungry,” came from the inside.

“It's me, Hanna.”

The girl looked in the window, wondering if Sebastian could try to escape on the other side. It was understandable that he didn’t want to talk to her. She had exposed him to ridicule.

“I wanted to apologize,” she tried again.

The door opened. Hanna looked up, but Sebastian was already gone back inside.

_He didn’t run away. That’s a nice start._

She climbed into the camper and looked around. There were notebooks and car magazines scattered on the table by the window. Sebastian was studying one of them, ignoring her presence.

“Kai is no longer going to our school.”

He frowned and looked her in the eye for a second before turning the page.

“After what happened in the hallway...”

“Don’t even mention it,” he cut in, his voice strained.

“I went to the principal and told him what Kai did at the lake, how he came out of the water naked and tried to get me undressed as well. The principal needed a witness. I asked Lulu, but she...” Hannah glanced at her short fingernails. “She said she didn’t remember much. But our biology teacher saw what happened in the corridor…”

Sebastian sighed and frowned again.

“Afterwards, more girls hurt by Kai came forward. The principal called his parents. The next day his locker was empty. Ginger and Carlos were calling me names… I found out that we finish classes at the same time so I was waiting for you, but you didn’t show up. So I decided to find you and tell you that Kai is gone.”

Sebastian bit his lip, staring out of the window. “It's not about Kai. He can go wherever he wants, I'm not afraid of him.”

Hanna opened her mouth. She had to pick her words carefully.

“I won’t tell you that nothing happened,” she said, sitting next to the boy who was staring at some pictures. “You’ll have to endure a day or two of unpleasant comments, same as me, but it will pass.”

Sebastian turned his head, looking down at her clasped hands. “I don’t care what others think. Shaggy, monkey boy... what's the difference?”

“Then why are you hiding?”

“Because you saw it.”

His voice changed, raising goose bumps on Hanna’s skin.

Why had she stared so much?

“Maybe Kai likes to undress in front of girls, but I don’t... It was awful. I still feel awful when I think about it. You can’t even imagine how… awful it is.”

Hanna swallowed, her heart starting to pound.

“I can imagine, but ... maybe it's not enough. Maybe I should experience it as well,” she said, reaching for the buttons of her sweater.

With trembling fingers she undid them all, exposing her breasts. And feeling ashamed of how small they were... How ridiculous.

Looking at Sebastian’s face was even more difficult than what she just did. But as soon as she saw his expression, this shockingly embarrassing moment turned into something completely different. 

He was staring, his face serious, lips parted. She could feel the heat radiating from his body.

“Do you feel any better?” she asked, drawing his gaze, but only for a moment. Her breasts were all he could focus on.

“Can I...” he asked, extending his hand.

She didn’t answer, so he looked her in the eye.

_He wants to touch me._

It wasn’t all that surprising. She was more shocked when she realized that she wanted it too.

She nodded shyly, biting her lip the same way he did.

Her heart beating harder and harder, she closed her eyes.

She was melting even before Sebastian’s fingertips brushed her neck, making her tremble. Then someone scratched on the door.

Hanna opened her eyes and hastily covered herself.

Sebastian withdrew his hand. “It's just Floyd. I better let him in before he starts to bark.”

“Oh, okay.” Hanna moved over to let Sebastian past.

Suddenly she felt ashamed, as if they underwent some kind of collective hypnosis. With shaking hands, she hurried to button her cardigan up.

_What does he think of me? I'm like Kai... We barely know each other, and I'm already undressing in front of him._

“Remember Hanna, Floyd?” Sebastian let the dog inside.

The Dalmatian quickly approached her so she could pet him.

“I showed you to him several times in the park, but he was more interested in squirrels. Give him a toy.”

Hanna blinked in a slight daze. It seemed that Sebastian was doing his best to loosen up the mood.

“It’s on the shelf.”

She grabbed a rubber chicken and gave it to the dog. The Dalmatian rested at her feet and began to chew, the toy making high-pitched sounds.

Sebastian sat opposite the girl, looking at her with a delicate smile.

“I think we got carried away…” she said, lowering her eyes.

“If you wanted me to feel better than you succeeded,” he said, reaching for one of the notebooks. “But... I have a lot of homework to do, and I have a feeling I won’t be able to focus...”

“I'm sorry...” she said, abashed. “I better go now. I already wasted enough of your time.”

She barely rose when she felt his hand on her fingers. “Please, don’t go. It’ll be faster if you help me.”

It wasn’t faster. Sebastian was writing ridiculously slowly, while Hanna kept staring at his hand and forgetting where they were. He kept deliberately pausing before every difficult word so that she would help him to write it correctly.

They had only math exercises left to complete when someone knocked on the door.

Sebastian looked at Hanna, probably thinking the same. Now at least their faces had normal colour.

Sebastian's mom peeked inside. “What are you up to, kids?”

“We’re doing homework.”

Hanna had to make an effort to keep a straight face. They had their first secret. And such an exciting one.

“Take a break for dinner.”

Dinner? Hanna looked at her watch. She was supposed to be home a long time ago.

“I have to go. My parents will be worried.”

Sebastian put his pen down. “I'll walk you to the gate.”

The air outside seemed a few degrees cooler.

Sebastian walked silently beside her until they reached their destination.

Hanna stopped and turned to him. “I'm glad you're feeling better.”

“Me too.” He smiled shyly.

“Well, until tomorrow.”

“See you tomorrow.”

Hanna started on her way back home, trying to walk confidently. Was he staring after her? Or was he already gone?

Before she crossed the street, she looked over her shoulder.

Sebastian was still standing in front of his house, grinning like an idiot.


	4. Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seb and Hanna go for a walk.

Everything seemed to go wrong that day. Hanna hoped to meet Sebastian on her way to school, but it was raining and her dad didn’t let her go on foot.

Lulu left her alone during the break; Hanna had no one to speak to, so she went for a stroll, hoping to meet Sebastian.

Right when the school bell rang she finally spotted him. He was chatting with some girl. She had long, dark hair and a nice figure. Sebastian smiled at her while she shook her head, amused.

Hanna’s stomach twisted unpleasantly as she hurried back to class, trying to figure out her feelings.

_He already has company_ , she thought. _No wonder he didn’t look for me._

On the next break she bumped into Ginger.

“Snitch,” he spat, his eyes full of despise.

Hanna couldn’t focus until the end of her classes. Walking back home, she didn’t bother to open the umbrella.

_Why does it have to be like this? If every good feeling is followed by a nasty one, I don’t want to feel at all. I don’t want friends. I don’t want boys…_

She spent the rest of the afternoon hunched over textbooks.

 

***

 

“Could you do the dishes?” Hanna’s mom asked after dinner once the girl finished her tea. “I agreed to take a private student. He should be here in about a quarter.”

When Hanna was a little girl, her mom used to teach English at home. Since then, she opened her own language school and tried not to bring work home.

“So she got you convinced,” Hanna’s dad said, apparently in-the-know.

“His father Norbert did. They travel a lot, so they decided Sebastian should put more effort into a foreign language.”

Hanna’s eyes went wide. “Sebastian?”

“Yes. Your friend. He didn’t tell you? He’ll be coming for private lessons twice a week.”

“Here?”

“Yes, here.”

“In a quarter?”

“Well… more like in ten minutes now.”

Hanna darted from her seat. “Can I be excused?”

“Could you do the dishes first? Dad will help you.”

It was a miracle she didn’t drop anything.

She couldn’t remember the last time she felt so excited. Maybe when Kai sat next to her in the park? Brushing the unpleasant memories away, she looked around her room.

Will Sebastian come in here? Did she want him to come in? What will he think when he sees her room? She still had dolls on the shelf. And definitely too many posters of Britney.

When the student finally arrived, Hanna pressed an ear to the door of her room.

“Why are you so winded?” she heard her mom ask.

“I left my house too late…”

At the sound of Sebastian’s voice Hanna’s heart leapt with excitement.

“Leave your jacket here.”

It got silent; Sebastian and mom went to the study.

Hanna sneaked out of her room, approached the coatrack and touched Sebastian’s jacket. She felt an urge to press her cheek to the fabric to feel the boy close – as close as they were on the bike.

She heard a clang; dad must have dropped a spoon. If he was still in the kitchen, she couldn’t eavesdrop.

Back in her room, she left the door wide open and started organizing the things on the shelfs and adjusting the bed cover even though there was no mess. Only five minutes passed and she was already a bundle of nerves.

And it will be like this twice a week. For two hours a week she won’t be able to focus on anything…

_Do I have a reason to drag him in here? He came to study, not to visit me. I’ll just say ‘hi’ and that’s it._

The study room door opened much earlier than she expected.

“Yes, over there,” her mom said loudly.

Hanna hurried to the door. Sebastian was standing in front of the bathroom. The second he noticed her, his face broke into a smile. “Hi.”

“Hello,” she replied, smiling back.

Sebastian didn’t move, looking her straight in the eye until she felt hot and looked away.

“I need to pee,” he said finally.

“Oh, okay,” Hanna let out a weird chuckle and hid back in her room.

_Okay? What kind of comment was that?_

She could only hope her parents didn’t see that scene. They would probably think she’s in love…

Hanna felt tickles in her belly.

Or maybe… No, Sebastian was a nice friend. She shouldn’t ruin it. Too early for boys. It would lead to no good.

She heard Sebastian flush the toilet and wash his hands before he went back to the study.

She needed a reason to stop him before he left, but her mind was a blank page.

“Ask your parents if you could come earlier next time. It’s a bit late for studying.”

“Dad will call you, Mrs. Prater.”

“Your jacket is here.”

“Can I speak with Hanna?”

The girl’s heart skipped a bit.

“Hanna? Sebastian’s asking for you. Show him your room if you want to.”

Hanna paused at the threshold and smiled before stepping back to let the boy inside her realm. Her safe place. The place where she grew up and dreamt and studied. It felt as if she opened her heart to him.

“It’s nice in here…” Sebastian said after throwing a couple of glances around. He was more interested in her.

Touched by a sudden thought, Hanna darted to her backpack and took the English textbook out. “I forgot to give you that,” she said, handing the boy the photograph she had found on the school floor.

Sebastian beamed.

“I think you should put it back where it was,” she added.

The smile on Sebastian’s face faded.

Hanna quickly approached the bookshelf and grabbed a photo album. “You can pick another,” she offered.

He sat down, his expression changing again. It was so easy to read his face.

He opened the album and started studying the photographs, the majority taken during family trips and festivities.

Hanna peeked at the boy’s face, mesmerized by his long eyelashes.

“I can’t choose.” He seemed uneasy. “You always look pretty.”

Hanna felt her cheeks get hot. “Take your time,” she said, sitting on the bed close to the boy.

_Take your time. Turn the pages slowly… run your fingertips over the paper…_

The boy turned another page, evoking goose bumps on Hanna’s skin.

“Are you cold?”

_He noticed!_

“No…” She rubbed her forearms.

A knowing smile appeared on Sebastian’s lips. It made her slightly irritated, but on the other hand, it was nice that he was so observant.

“I like all of them,” he said, going back to admire the pictures. “But this one is my favourite,” he added, going two pages back and pointing at a photo. It was taken during a ball. Hanna was wearing a short cream-coloured dress and she was smiling like stupid.

“But I’m grinning too much…”

Sebastian laughed warmly, staring at the picture. “I like your grin.”

“I look like a rabbit.”

“What?” The boy’s gaze rested on her face. “Who told you that?”

“Nobody.” Abashed, she snatched the album from his lap and reached for the chosen picture.

“You’re the prettiest girl I have ever seen,” he added softly.

“I’ll sign it for you.” Hanna grabbed a pen, ignoring his words.

_It was a compliment. Take it and say ‘thank you’…_

“Actually, I wanted to apologize,” he said.

Hanna looked up, frowning. “For what?”

“I should’ve thanked you and looked away… back in the camper. What I did… what I wanted to do was… rude.”

Hanna quickly wrote a dedication on the back of the photo before she could forget her own name. “No need to apologize,” she replied, handing the picture to Sebastian. “Here you go. And thank you.”

“No, thank YOU,” he smiled broadly in the most infectious way. “I need to go. Dad is waiting in the car,” he said. “I hope we’ll meet tomorrow at school.”

Hanna got serious, remembering the girl Sebastian was smiling at. “Maybe… the breaks are short.”

Sebastian shoved the photo into his notebook and rose. “Would you like to go for a walk tomorrow afternoon?”

“A walk…” she repeated, uncertain.

“We would take Floyd with us.”

“Just a walk?”

“Yeah, I need to walk him anyway.”

“All right then. Let’s just hope it doesn’t rain.”

 

***

 

She had luck this time. The next day was lovely.

And even though she caught only a glimpse of Sebastian at school, she didn’t worry.

The worries began when she stood before an open closet, trying to figure out what to put on. It was supposed to be a simple stroll, so she shouldn’t dress too elegantly. On the other hand, she wanted to look pretty.

_I don’t know what I want… Or maybe I do, but I know I shouldn’t want it._

Finally, she decided on jeans and a sweatshirt. As soon as she spotted Sebastian through the window, she slipped into a pair of sneakers and went to meet him.

The Dalmatian started jumping around her.

“Someone’s happy to see you…” Sebastian commented as if he didn’t look glad at all. “Careful, his paws are muddy.”

“Clothes can be washed,” she replied, petting the dog. He was so happy he stretched out on the ground, belly up.

“God… Floyd…” Sebastian chuckled. “You’re so desperate for cuddles…” Shaking his head, he gently pulled on the leash.

The presence of the dog turned out useful. Every time it got too silent, Sebastian said something to the dog while Hanna smiled and scratched the Dalmatian behind his ear.

“We need to find him a proper stick,” Sebastian decided when they reached a less frequented part of the park.

“He found one already,” Hanna laughed, taking the stick from Floyd’s muzzle. Once she straightened up, the dog started barking like mad.

“Throw it.”

“I can’t throw.” Hanna took a swing.

The dog darted forward just to get hit in the head.

Hanna pressed a hand to her mouth. “I’m so sorry…” Embarrassed, she came up to the dog and started kissing his forehead.

“It worked out well for him…” Sebastian commented, staring at Hanna’s hands. “He’s fine. I can teach you how to throw. It’s not that hard.”

“I don’t want to hit Floyd again.”

“You won’t. Come here.”

A pleasant feeling spreading in her chest, Hanna got up and took the stick from Sebastian.

“You need to look in the direction you want to throw,” he advised, pointing with his hand. He positioned himself so close behind her, she could feel the warmth from his body.

“Lift your left hand and use it to aim,” he suggested.

_Which hand is left?_

“Let me.” Sebastian touched her elbow before his fingers shifted along her forearm. He made a couple of adjustments to position her body the way he wanted. “You can throw now.”

There wasn’t much to expect since she was absorbed by his closeness. But the stick did fly further away.

“Look how I do it.” Sebastian took the stick.

Hanna looked his body up and down, taking in a lot of unimportant details like the dark hairs on his wrists, his baggy trousers and the mud on his shoes. When he threw the stick, his hair wavered.

The stick flew far. On his way to fetch it Floyd stopped by the bushes and started digging in the ground.

“We can practise without him,” Sebastian proposed.

“Good idea,” Hanna said, unable to suppress her enthusiasm. “How was it again?” She lifted her arms, hoping Sebastian wouldn’t take her for a fool.

“Aim first.” He stood close behind her again.

When she felt his fingers in her hair, she almost jumped.

“There’s something in your hair,” he explained.

“Is it alive?”

Sebastian chuckled, his breathing tickling Hanna’s ear. “No. It’s just a tiny leaf.”

A tiny leaf that was very difficult to extract, because Sebastian was taking his time while she was trying not to hyperventilate.

“Take that dog on a leash, Vettel! It’s not your private garden.”

Pleasant shivers turned into cold chills. Kai was walking past, accompanied by Lulu.

“Let’s go…” Sebastian grabbed Hanna’s hand, pulling her in the opposite direction. “Floyd, heel!” After a while he glanced over his shoulder and slowed down. “Was that your friend?”

“She’s not my friend anymore,” Hanna sighed, the boy’s fingers warming her hand pleasantly.

“Why can’t he find a girl his age?” he grunted.

“It wouldn’t be so easy to lie to her,” Hanna replied. “Okay, they’re gone. You can let go now.”

Sebastian looked at their joined hands. “Do I have to?” His eyes were pleading.

Hanna felt something twist in her chest. “I like you a lot, Sebastian, but… could we be friends and stick to the things friends do?”

“We can hold hands as friends.”

“I don’t think it’s right for friends.”

He let go of her hand with poorly hidden disappointment.

“I’m sorry…” Hanna nearly touched his fingers again. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I’m okay…” His voice was shaky, but he collected himself and looked up. “So… what exactly are the things that friends do?”

“They talk… and go for walks, spend time together and have a lot of fun,” Hanna managed a timid smile.

“Sounds really nice,” the boy replied.

They spent half an hour walking slowly and talking about school and Sebastian’s private lessons. And if it got silent, Floyd was always ready to come to the rescue.


	5. Hugs

As Hanna’s mother suggested, one of the private lessons was moved to an earlier hour.

In consequence, Hanna had to hurry home before Sebastian would leave.

Crossing the park, she wondered if he would finally stay for dessert.

Lost in thoughts, she found herself in a jogger’s path. The man saved her from the fall.

"Are you okay?" he asked, helping her to pick up the keys and some change that had fallen from her pocket.

“I'm really sorry." Hanna forced an apologetic smile.

A couple of minutes later, still shaken, she entered her house and saw Sebastian playing with her brother Timmy on the carpet in the living room.

"Hi," she greeted him, taking her shoes off. "Where's my mom?"

Sebastian stood up, not a trace of the usual grin on his face. "She left a few minutes ago. She said she needs to see your grandpa. I offered to keep an eye on Timmy until you get back."

Hanna frowned. "What’s wrong with grandpa?"

Sebastian made a step closer. "I don't know. But I'm sure he'll be fine."

Hanna shook her head, tears gathering in her eyes. "He’s in hospital. The doctors said one more infection might kill him..." Her voice broke.

She could sense an anxiety attack coming; it was the last thing she wanted Sebastian to see.

“Excuse me.” She rushed to the bathroom, locked herself in and started crying.

Grandpa Rupert was her favourite. He called her ‘princess’ and framed her paintings and always had time to listen to her.

He was giving her the best gifts, like the silver bracelet with a small ballerina charm.

Hanna touched her wrist, a wave of panic sweeping through her. The bracelet wasn't there. It must have gone loose when she bumped into that man in the park.

“Hanna?” Sebastian knocked on the door. "Please, talk to me."

Hanna glanced in the mirror. She looked terrible: her eyes red and swollen. Tears kept dripping no matter how much she tried to stop them.

"Thank you for taking care of Timmy. You can go home now."

"I'm not leaving," he said. "Open the door, please. Your brother is worried."

He was right. She was Timmy’s big sister. She had to pull herself together.

Hanna wiped her face. As soon as she stepped out of the bathroom the phone in the corridor rang.

It was her mom.

"Grandpa wants to see you. Dad will pick you and Timmy up in ten minutes," she said.

Hanna hung up, her knees buckling under her. "Grandpa wants to see us... I knew it. He's dying..." Tears streamed down her cheeks.

She didn’t see Sebastian approach before he pulled her into his arms.

"I'm so sorry," he said.

Wrapping her arms around his waist, she squeezed hard.

_I'll survive if he keeps holding me like that._

But when Timmy started crying, the hug had to end.

"It's all good." Sebastian sat next to the little boy and kissed the top of his head. "Don't cry. Hanna’s just allergic... her eyes are sweating," he corrected himself before pulling a tissue from his pocket. "Blow," he said, pressing it to Timmy's runny nose.

Hanna kept staring at him, mesmerized until she remembered that he had a little brother as well.

"Sit with us." Sebastian patted the carpet.

_Would you kiss my head too?_

Timmy squeezed in between them, studying her face with a troubled expression. "Where's mommy?"

Hanna stroked her brother's hair. "Daddy will take us to her. We're going to see grandpa."

"I think you could put some shoes on him already, so your dad won't have to wait when he arrives," Sebastian suggested.

"You're right. Let’s get ready."

As they waited in silence, Hanna followed Sebastian's every move, hoping he would hug her once more. Even if he wanted to, he waited too long.

They heard a car pull up.

The expression on dad's face was the best proof of how serious the situation was.

After he put Timmy into his seat, it was about time Hanna got in the car too.

"Would you come with us?" she blurted out, grabbing Sebastian’s hand.

Her dad’s brow furrowed at her silly behaviour."He should go home. It's not his family."

"I want to go... If you don't mind, sir," Sebastian replied.

Dad sighed. "Get in. We don't have much time."

Sebastian chose the back seat next to Hanna. There wasn’t much room with Timmy’s seat installed on the side, but she didn’t mind.

She grasped Sebastian’s hand when the car pulled away, keeping a straight face so that her dad wouldn’t notice.

_Friends can hold hands if they need comforting_ , she reasoned in her mind.

Neither of them moved their fingers.

When she saw the hospital building her stomach knotted and she was sure she would throw up. Luckily, her dad found a parking spot nearby. She quickly opened the door and let the fresh air help her fight sickness.

Dad led the way with Timmy in his arms. Hanna struggled to keep up. She wished Sebastian would take her hand and pull her forward, but he didn’t.

They spotted mom in the corridor; her eyes were swollen and red, but she seemed calm. She didn’t comment on Sebastian’s presence. “You don’t have to go if you don’t want to,” she said to Hanna.

“But grandpa asked for me…” Hanna insisted, trying to be as brave as her mother.

“He did.”

“I’ll go.”

The smell of flowers in the ward was so intense, she was sure she’d never forget it.

Grandpa Rupert was pale like a statue, his eyes locked on the ceiling.

Hanna approached the bed, trying not to cringe at the torment on his face. He seemed exhausted and scared.

“Grandpa?” Hanna grasped the old man’s hand.

He heard her, or maybe felt her touch, because his eyes moved.

_What should I say?_ Hanna wondered. _Don’t be afraid? Everything’s going to be all right? I don’t know that…_

“I love you so much.” The words came from her heart before her mind could come up with a response.

“… love you…” Grandpa’s voice was barely audible, but Hanna could see the love in his eyes.

She felt tears coming, every heartbeat painful in her chest. “I don’t want you to go…” she sobbed, pressing grandpa’s hand to her cheek. His skin smelled of herbs.

“Is that your boy?”

Blinking hard, Hanna followed grandpa’s gaze.

Sebastian was standing at the door. When they looked at him, he made a move to retreat, but grandpa Rupert waved a hand, inviting him in.

“He’s my friend,” Hanna explained, but grandpa didn’t seem to hear her.

“Listen… boy…” His eyes settled on Sebastian’s face. “She’s…” He started coughing. When he finally stopped, he seemed to have forgotten what he wanted to say. But after studying Sebastian for a while, he remembered. “She’s a princess,” he said, putting a hand on Sebastian’s arm.

“I know,” the boy nodded. Hanna had never seen him so serious. It felt as if she discovered another side of him and it was beautiful.

“Treat her well…”

“I will.”

Grandpa nodded, satisfied, and turned to her. His eyes were wet. “My sweet angel…”

Hanna burst into tears.

Someone patted her back; it was her dad. Mom put Timmy on the edge of the bed, so that grandpa could touch him. But he didn’t have enough strength to lift his hand anymore.

“Dad?” mom’s voice sounded panicked.

Grandpa frowned, his gaze moving to the ceiling again.

Mom let out a heartbreaking sob that shook Hanna to the core. It was the most helpless moment in her life and she prayed for it to end.

Her prayers were answered. Grandpa’s face relaxed as he closed his eyes and let out a relieved sigh.

Mom was shaking with tears. Dad put an arm around her while Timmy clung to her chest.

Hanna turned to Sebastian; he was crying too. She lunged into his arms and they hugged tight. Even tighter than at home.

She knew this moment would come, but when it finally did, she felt completely unprepared. Was there a way to prepare for it?

After a while a doctor and a nurse entered.

“Want to go outside?” Sebastian asked.

Hanna nodded. She could still smell the flowers and grandpa’s herbs even when they reached the bench on other end of the corridor.

Sitting as close to the boy as possible, Hanna studied his tear-stained cheeks.

“I know how you feel,” he said.“My grandpa died last year.” He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. “I wish I could take at least some of your pain away.”

Hanna sighed heavily, resting her head on Sebastian’s shoulder.

The boy put an arm around her. Without a word she cuddled close to him and closed her eyes.

“I’ve lost a bracelet today…” she confessed. “I think it slipped off my wrist when I bumped into a jogger in the park. I was in such a hurry…” She nearly added ‘to meet you’.

“It doesn’t matter now,” Sebastian said.

“No… you don’t understand,” Hanna shifted to look at him. “Grandpa gave it to me. It had a little ballerina attached to it.”

“Where did you lose it?”

“In the park, near the fountain.”

Sebastian nodded, studying Hanna’s face. She probably still looked terrible, but she wasn’t ashamed anymore. “You’ll feel awful for a couple of days. And sad for a month or two, but you’ll learn to accept it.”

She felt like crying again, so she slipped back into his arms. But this hug didn’t last long.

“Your dad is coming…” he warned.

They quickly shifted away from each other.

 

*

 

Before going to bed, Hanna opened her jewellery box to put her earrings inside.

She gasped; the bracelet was still there. She hadn’t put in on in the morning!

She touched the little ballerina, relieved and saddened at the same time.

Lying in bed, she started recalling all the happy moments she shared with grandpa Rupert. As tears dripped from her eyes, she was sure she would never get any rest. But when she imagined Sebastian’s arms around her, she finally fell asleep.

 

*

 

Mom told her she didn’t have to go to school the next day, but she decided to go. Besides, she wanted to see Sebastian.

Turned out, she didn’t have to look for him. He was waiting for her at the corner of her street. He seemed worried.

“I went to look for it yesterday, but I had no time for a good search. So… if you want to join me after school…”

“Are you talking about the bracelet?” Hanna cut in, reaching into her pocket. “I found it in my jewellery box,” she said, opening her hand.

“Oh… that’s good,” Sebastian looked down. “Very pretty.”

“Would you… fasten it on my wrist?” Hanna asked.

The boy grasped the bracelet. His fingers tickled Hanna’s skin.

“Thank you so much.”

“It wasn’t that hard…”

“I meant for looking for it.” Their eyes locked and Hanna forgot how to move and how to speak.

“Are you still sad?” Sebastian asked.

A nod was all she managed, but it was enough. He opened his arms and hugged her.

“You’re a great friend,” she whispered. “The best friend I’ve ever had.”


	6. Tough Cookie

On a sunny afternoon Hanna took her brother to the park.

Timmy’s eyes lit up when he spotted the slides and the merry-go-rounds in the play area, but Hanna pulled him by the hand in another direction.

“You said you wanted to see the doggy,” she said. “We need to hurry or it will go home.”

Timmy sulked, his little feet barely keeping up with Hanna’s.

She felt guilty. She was supposed to play with him, not dash around the park looking for Sebastian.

When she finally spotted him behind the trees her heart leaped with excitement. He seemed to be in a hurry.

“Sebastian!” she called out, picking her brother up. “Sebastian, wait!”

He must have heard her running as he turned his head and smiled. “Hi! I was just thinking about you.”

Hanna put her brother down. “Oh… that’s nice. I was…” Gasping, she fixed her hair. “I was hoping to meet you. Timmy wanted to see Floyd.”

The Dalmatian seemed very happy to see Hanna. So happy he started to bark and jump.

Hanna’s brother hid behind her.

“Don’t be scared,” she smiled at him. “He won’t hurt you.”

Timmy shook his head, glancing at the dog suspiciously.

Sebastian gently pulled on the leash. “I need to go home. Mom’s going shopping and it’s my turn to keep an eye on Fabian.”

“Bring him here,” Hanna suggested.

“I can’t. He just recovered from a cold.” Sebastian looked at his dog, frowning.

Hanna learned to read some of his frowns. She hoped he would find a solution, because she really missed spending time with him.

“Maybe you could come with me?”

“You mean… to your house?”

“Yeah, our brothers can play together.”

Hanna glanced at Timmy. “It’s a long walk.”

“I can carry him. You take Floyd,” Sebastian handed her the leash.

 

***

 

“You should’ve tidied up your room before inviting guests,” Sebastian’s mom said when they showed up at the door.

Sebastian blushed. “We could go and play in the camper…”

The camper! Hanna’s heart skipped a bit when she recalled their last meeting there.

“You’re a big boy. Take care of your guests properly,” _Frau_ Vettel said. “There are freshly baked cookies in the kitchen. Help your brother to put a sweater on before you leave the house.”

“Yes, mom.”

The woman kissed Sebastian’s cheeks two times with so much love Hanna felt warm inside.

“Don’t take your shoes off,” Sebastian said after his mom left. “I’ll just go get Fabian and the cookies.”

“We’ll wait outside.” Hanna grasped her brother’s hand and headed to the garden.

“Little house,” Timmy said once he noticed the camper. “House-car.”

“Yes, it’s a house on wheels. Do you want to see what’s inside?”

The boy nodded.

At the sound of footsteps Hanna turned and saw Fabian wrapped in a big sweater that looked like his brother’s.

Sebastian followed. “I left Floyd inside,” he said. “He would become very irritating if he smelled the cookies.”

As soon as he unlocked the camper, Fabian climbed inside. He had pretty eyes with long eyelashes, same as Sebastian.

“Ladies first.”

Hanna picked Timmy up and followed Sebastian’s brother.

Turned out that the camper was Fabian’s usual playground. He knew where to find his toy cars and was already arranging them on the table.

“Oh, I see you have some buses over there,” Hanna noticed. “Timmy loves buses. He fell in love with them when we were in London last summer.”

“Which car is the fastest, hmm?” Sebastian asked, glancing at the two little boys.

Timmy studied the toys. “The red one,” he said, pointing at a Ferrari.

Sebastian grinned. “Excellent answer. You’ve won a cookie.”

“Maybe we should let them play on the floor?” Hanna suggested.

“Okay, let me just spread a blanket for them,” Sebastian added.

Sitting at the table, Hanna and Sebastian watched their brothers push toy cars on the blanket. The little boys seemed to get along well.

“Your brother’s cute,” Hanna said quietly, turning to Sebastian.

“When he sleeps,” he commented. There were some magazines on the table, so he grabbed one. Hanna noticed a catalogue with house plans under it.

“Are you building a house?” she asked.

“No… we don’t have the money. Dad’s friend left it. Mom wanted to throw it away, but I remembered you liked the stuff, so I kept it for you.”

“I do like house plans. I like searching for a nice house for when I’m older… where I could live with my husband and children.”

“A husband? Do I know him?” Sebastian grinned.

Hanna started blushing. “I don’t know… Maybe you do.”

He studied her intently.

“I’m just joking,” she said, opening the catalogue. “I’m not looking for a husband. I just like imagining things…”

“Me too.”

She wanted so badly to steal a glance at him, to read his face, but she didn’t want him to see her emotions.

“Now I kind of imagined that Fabian and Timmy are our sons,” he said. “We have a small house. I’m currently at work, but I’ll be back for dinner soon. Just wait.” He darted to the door and jumped out of the camper.

Fabian and Timmy followed him with their eyes before looking at Hanna with curiosity.

“We’re going to pretend Sebastian is your dad,” she said, hoping it didn’t sound stupid.

Sebastian entered. “Honey, I’m home.”

Hanna froze, realizing that she’s the honey.

“Hallo… _Schätzchen_ …” she replied, getting up. “How was your day?”

Sebastian stepped closer. “I missed you…”

Hanna extended her arms, anticipating a hug.

“My dad kisses my mom every time he leaves and returns,” he said.

Hanna felt her cheeks burn. “My parents just hug… sometimes…”

“I will kiss my wife when I’m married,” Sebastian stated. “We’re just pretending, so it’s not…”

“You can kiss my cheek,” Hanna cut in.

Sebastian’s eyes sparkled. He had to bend down a little as Hanna tilted her head up.

Her eyes fell shut when she felt his plump lips on her skin.

Fabian started to giggle. Timmy followed his example, making Hanna blush even more.

“What’s so funny?” Sebastian jumped to the boys and started tickling them.

Feeling lightheaded, Hanna sat back at the table.

“Is the dinner ready?”

“I wasn’t making dinner. I was at work too.”

Sebastian ruffled his brother’s hair. “Oh, okay… But you don’t have to work. I make enough money. You can stay at home with our sons.”

“Maybe I want to work.”

Sebastian frowned. “You don’t like this game…”

Hanna looked at her fingers. “No… it’s okay…”

“Scoot over.” As she made him some room, he sat next to her. “It was silly; I know…”

“No!” She finally found the courage to look at him. “I’m just awful at pretending. I prefer to talk and imagine things…”

“Okay,” he nodded with a relieved smile. “Can you imagine yourself having two sons?”

“Yes.”

“I think two daughters would be nicer.”

“Why?”

“They could take care of their little brothers.”

“How many children do you want to have?” she smiled at him, amused.

“Four. Or more,” he grinned. “Should we find a proper house for our family?” He reached for the catalogue and put it on the table in front of them.

Hanna shifted closer, feeling his side press to hers. “You pick the house. I pick the interior design.”

“Sounds fair.”

Before Sebastian’s closeness made her forget the whole world, Hanna glanced at the little boys - they were stacking cars and trying to push the car-towers forward without destroying them. Her eyes shifted to the plate that Sebastian had brought from the house.

“Can I have a cookie?”

“You’re a cookie,” he chuckled.

She glowered at him.

“A tough one,” he added with an unreadable expression.

She couldn’t decipher what he meant and it made her anxious. Was she too unapproachable?

“Should I feel bad about it?” she asked.

“No,” he shook his head, his voice tender. “You should be proud.”


	7. Claudia

When Sebastian left the study, Hanna was already tying her shoes up.

“Where are you going?” her mom asked, walking her student to the door.

“To the park.”

“You’re not going anywhere before doing your homework.”

“But I just got back from school.”

“Exactly. You should eat something first. Say goodbye to Sebastian and join me in the kitchen.”

Hanna sulked.

“Don’t worry,” Sebastian rubbed her shoulder. “We’ll catch up tomorrow.” His smile comforted her, although he must have been equally disappointed.

After he left, a heavy silence fell. Mom was waiting in the kitchen, her face stern.

“I’m sorry for questioning you. I’m actually very hungry,” Hanna said politely, hoping to calm the storm before it could break out.

Mom looked up from under her furrowed eyebrows. “Do you care about him?”

“I do,” Hanna replied, getting even more anxious.

“I had an honest conversation with his mother in the grocery shop,” mom said. “She told me that his grades dropped massively. She’s convinced it’s because he’s often absent from school and that’s probably true. But his… fascination with you is not really helping him at the moment.”

Hanna stared at her plate, the slight irritation she felt at the beginning slowly turning to anger.

“He’s smart enough to get good education and find a decent job in the future,” mom continued. “It’s admirable to have dreams, but he has to have a backup plan. Same goes for you. You used to do your homework immediately after lunch and then study some more. Now I keep catching you studying in the morning and you’re always in a hurry.”

“I have good grades!” Hanna cut in.

“You can do better. And you will,” mom argued. “You promised to help me with Timmy and household chores, yet you’re constantly outdoors. You can meet on Fridays. And he can stay for tea after lessons, but no more wandering around the park till sundown.”

Hanna wanted to hide the pain mom’s words caused, but couldn’t hold back tears.

“Let me show you something…” Mom left the kitchen, giving her the opportunity to wipe her eyes. She came back with a bunch of paper sheets. “Every lesson I ask him to write ten random phrases with new words he learned… Just read.”

Hanna took a sheet. ‘I would love to fly a kite with Hanna.’ ‘Hanna went grocery shopping.’ ‘Hanna is brushing her hair in the morning.’ ‘I like making Hanna smile.’

“But… these are grammatically correct…” Hanna mumbled. “And I don’t really get what you want me to do?”

“It’s obvious that he has a huge crush on you. If you really care about him, tell him he needs to focus on school first. You both do.”

Hanna stared at Sebastian’s handwriting, remembering the way he rubbed her shoulder before leaving. “It’s not fair.”

“Don’t argue,” mom’s voice hardened. “And eat your lunch before it’s cold.”

 

***

 

_I’ll tell him the truth_ , she decided during the math test the next day _. I’ll tell him that mom doesn’t want us to be friends…_

She couldn’t mention his grades. He would think that he’s too stupid for her.

“Five more minutes,” the teacher said.

Hanna’s heart stopped beating for a second. Usually at this point she was double checking the answers, but this time she didn’t even read some of the questions.

The bell rang. “Hanna?” The teacher reached out for her paper.

“Just a minute!”

“Time’s run out. Put the pen down.”

Hanna cringed inwardly. There was no chance she would get a decent grade.

 

***

 

Sebastian was waiting for her outside. His eyes, usually sparkling with joy, seemed somewhat dimmed.

“There are a lot of racing events coming this month,” he said. “And I’m already behind with school…”

Hanna realized that he probably had had the same conversation with his mom.

“Yes, I need to study more too,” she sighed. “We could meet on Friday…”

“I won’t be home on the weekends.”

Hanna’s heart sank.

“But it’s only until the end of this month,” he assured. “I’m sorry. I wish I could spend more time with you. But… I have really low grades and I’m not proud of it.”

“I understand. We’ll meet more often in the summer.”

Sebastian frowned.

“Racing events…” Hanna said before he opened his mouth.

“And the training camp,” he added. “But you could come to some of my races.”

Hanna smiled, cheered up by the thought. “I would love that.”

 

***

 

She passed the test with the lowest grade possible. Mom only raised an eyebrow when she found out. She was clearly satisfied to have proven her point.

 

***

 

Every Friday Sebastian walked Hanna to school. It was a good opportunity to plan out the afternoon.

A week ago he wanted to make the climb to the Starkenburg Castle, but she was in too much pain because of her period. The weather was still nice this week, so Hanna decided to bring the idea up again.

But he wasn’t waiting at the usual spot. Probably overslept.

Since she already knew his schedule by heart, during the first break she headed to the English classroom. Stopping at a comfortable distance from Sebastian’s classmates, she tried to spot his shaggy head.

“Are you looking for Sebastian?”

Hanna spun on her heel. The dark-haired girl Sebastian was joking with the other day approached her.

“Hi, I’m Claudia, his friend” she introduced herself.

“Hanna…” _His friend as well?_

“He’s leaving for Spain today to one of his races,” Claudia said. “Have you seen him race? I went to Hockenheim with his parents a couple of times. He was amazing!”

“Do you know when he’ll be back?”

“On Tuesday. He’ll visit me on Monday evening to catch up with homework. I’ll let him know you were looking for him.” Claudia adjusted her bag. “I’ve got to go.”

“Me too. Bye.” Hanna forced a smile, but Claudia didn’t even look at her.

 

***

 

The second semester was coming to an end. Hanna couldn’t wait for the summer break.

She decided to mention that she wants to go to see Sebastian race, so that her mom got used to the idea.

“But we’re going to London for the summer,” her mom said. “You know that grandpa Rupert’s old house belongs to us now. If we don’t renovate it, it’ll lose its value.”

“I could stay with dad…”

“Dad’s coming too.”

Hanna swallowed a lump in her throat. “When?”

“Next Saturday.”

 

***

 

How to break the news to him? Lately they barely had time for each other and now this!

As if out of spite, he kept missing school.

“Why can’t I have a cell phone?” Hanna asked her mom.

“You’ll get one as a reward for good grades. We’ll take care of it in London.”

“Why not today?”

“Don’t you see I’m busy packing?” Mom sounded irritated, so Hanna backed off.

When she was walking to her room, the phone in the corridor rang.

Hanna picked up. “Hallo?”

“Hi, it’s Sebastian.”

Her heart beat faster at the sound of his cheerful voice. “I’ve missed you. Are you home?”

“I just got back. I won the race, Hanna! My mom’s throwing a celebratory party tomorrow. Would you come?”

“Of course. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” Her voice filled with such joy mom looked up from the travel bags.

“That’s great,” Sebastian sounded thrilled too. “It starts at 5.”

 

***

 

She put her favourite dress on, shaking her head as she remembered stuffing her bra to make it look better. She curled her hair and put mom’s silver earrings on; they glittered when she moved her head.

Mom handed her a gift-bag for Sebastian. Hanna smiled gratefully, thinking of a better gift. She was going to throw herself into his arms and kiss his cheeks, hoping that he would embrace her tight until they feel very warm.

Her dad gave her a lift to _Daimlerstraße_.

The sound of raucous laughter and music was coming from Sebastian’s house. It seemed that he had invited a lot of guests.

She rang the doorbell. The door opened immediately, making her jump with surprise. “Hi!”

Sebastian gaped at her. His gaze slid down her dress, stopped on her shoes and moved back up to linger on her face. He was frowning as if he couldn’t recognize her.

“Can I come in?” she asked, amused by his behavior.

“Yes, of course.” He finally woke up. “You look pretty,” he added in a softer voice.

“Congratulations on the win.” Hanna stepped closer, opening her arms.

“Thank you.”

Sebastian hugged her tight, exactly how she wanted.

When she heard a chuckle she realized they weren’t alone in the corridor. She turned her head and spotted Sebastian’s mom whisper to some other lady. Claudia was standing next to them.

It felt as if someone poured a bucket of cold water on Hanna’s head.

Of course Sebastian had invited Claudia too. At least she knew a thing or two about racing…

Turned out Hanna was to sit next to her at the table.

Toasts were made and _Frau_ Vettel cut the cake. There were around thirty people in the room and Hanna didn’t know who to focus on. A couple of times someone asked her a question, she replied politely and the conversation was over.

She could feel Claudia’s eyes on her all the time, making it hard to enjoy the cake. There was nothing she wanted to talk to Claudia about, so she stayed quiet. Sebastian’s classmate didn’t seem eager to chat either.

Watching Sebastian was the only relief. He was making such cute faces when his aunts praised him. And he looked different in that elegant blue shirt. His hair had grown longer since the last time she saw him. And he had a nice tan.

Something cold and wet touched Hanna’s hand under the table. She moved the tablecloth aside.

“Hi, Floyd!”

The dog dropped a ball on the floor next to her shoe. “We can’t play now, precious…” She scratched the Dalmatian behind his ear, barely keeping herself from kissing his head.

“You’re talking to a dog? He can’t understand you.” Claudia shifted to the edge of her seat.

She was clearly afraid of Sebastian’s pet, while Floyd hardly paid attention of her.

“He’s feeling neglected. So many people and not a single person looking at him.”

“Who let him out of my room?” Sebastian appeared next to Hanna and petted Floyd’s head, touching Hanna’s hand by accident or not. “Come. Let’s walk him back.”

She pushed her chair away so vigorously, it fell over. Red with embarrassment and staring at her feet, she followed Sebastian.

Once she realized she was about to enter his room, her heart throbbed hard.

“Look how pretty it is!” Sebastian stepped up to a cabinet full of shiny trophies.

Hanna’s gaze moved from his bed to the posters on the wall. She recognized Michael Jordan, Michael Schumacher and… Michael Jackson. Sebastian surely had a soft spot for Michaels.

“Beautiful!” She beamed, touching the edge of the trophy in Sebastian’s hand. “You must be really good.”

The chest of drawers next to the trophy cabinet was littered with souvenirs, caps, plush toys, mugs and all kinds of merchandise. Hanging on the wall above it was a huge picture of Michael Schumacher handing a trophy to a little boy.

“Is that you?” Hanna felt a rush of tenderness.

“It’s Michael Schumacher!”

“I know, but the boy… it’s you!”

Sebastian blushed. “You know Michael Schumacher?”

“Not as good as you do. You look so cute…”

“I was cute… before I became ugly…”

He was joking, but Hanna still felt an urge to protest. “You’re very-”

Floyd barked loudly, reminding them of his presence.

“Throw him the ball and he’ll be happy.”

Hanna picked up the tennis ball. There was no room for throwing, so she just rolled it on the carpet. Floyd snatched it and brought it back, wagging his tail.

“You didn’t seem to enjoy the party too much,” Sebastian said, sitting down on the bed.

Hanna took the ball from the dog. “I don’t feel comfortable with a lot of people around. Especially if I don’t know them.”

Sebastian patted the edge of the bed. “That’s okay. Sit with me for a while.”

Hanna settled next to him. As she adjusted her dress, her hands drew Sebastian’s attention. Floyd seemed to be focused on them as well - she was still holding the ball.

Hanna imagined Sebastian curled under the duvet right where she was sitting. Did he think about her in his bed as often as she thought about him? Did he dream of holding her in his arms and falling asleep together?

“Throw it or he’ll eat your hand…”

Hanna let the ball bounce off the opposite wall. The dog tried to catch it in the air, but missed, and it rolled under the bed. The Dalmatian was too big to crawl under, so Hanna crouched and reached out, groping.

“You keep your favourite magazines under your bed too?”

Sebastian darted forward, but it was too late. Hanna went rigid, staring at a topless lady with huge breasts on the cover.

Sebastian yanked the magazine out of her hand. “I’m so sorry…” he mumbled, opening a closet to toss it inside.

Hanna put her hands on her knees, unable to move.

He wasn’t thinking about her in his bed…

_I’m not his girlfriend_ , she reminded herself. _So why do I feel betrayed?_

“You shouldn’t leave your guests alone, Sebi,” _Frau_ Vettel appeared at the door. “Go and talk to Claudia too.”

Hanna jumped to her feet. “Can I call my dad? He wanted to come and pick me up.”

“Don’t you want to stay a bit longer? It’s not that late yet.”

“I think I’ll go… But thank you, _Frau_ Vettel. The cake was delicious.”

“My husband will drive you home. I’ll let him know you’re ready.”

Sebastian’s mom left and Hanna made a move to follow.

“Hanna…” Sebastian grabbed her hand, but when she gently pulled away, he let go. “I’m really sorry…”

She shook her head. “Don’t worry about it.” She was lying to him and it made her want to cry more than anything. “I actually wanted to leave around eight.”

“Please don’t be mad at me…” His eyes were begging.

“I’m not mad.” _Liar!_ “Thank you for inviting me.”

She had to fake a smile when they were passing the guests. She was sure that Sebastian did the same.

His dad was already at the door. “I’ll wait in the car,” he said.

Hanna turned to Sebastian. “Goodnight, then,” she said, extending her hand.

He grasped it and squeezed. She avoided eye contact up to the point when it was time to let go and he was still squeezing her fingers.

“Forgive me…” he said quietly.

_He knows how I feel. He knows I’m lying._

“Nothing to forgive.” She took her hand away, her fingers getting colder with each passing second.

 

***

 

Hanna managed not to cry until she locked herself in the bathroom at home. She had to do it quietly so that mom wouldn’t be alarmed. It was hard.

Choking back tears, she curled up on the floor, recalling all the nice things Sebastian had said to her. Maybe they didn’t matter anymore? He had the topless lady to dream of in bed. He had Claudia… She would probably go to his races this summer while Hanna would be in London.

A painful realization hit her. _I forgot to tell him that I’m leaving…_

Tomorrow, the final day of the semester, was her last chance.

 

***

 

She’d never felt more torn. One part of her was embarrassed to talk to him, the other looked for him everywhere.

She received her school report; the highest grades again, but it didn’t feel satisfying at all.

Instead of Sebastian, she bumped into Claudia. “He’s already gone for another race,” the girl said. “Together with his entire family.”

_So no one is going to pick up if I call_ , Hanna realized, her shoulders dropping.

_That’s it then. No goodbye. No ‘good luck with your races’. No ‘see you in September’._

“Can I ask you a favour?” Hanna fished a piece of paper from her pocket. “Tell him I left for London, here’s the phone number to reach me.”

“I’ll see what I can do.” Claudia took the note and all of Hanna’s hopes with it.


	8. London

_July 14, 2001_

Almost three weeks passed since I left Heppenheim and Sebastian hasn’t called. He’s probably still on the road. Or maybe he’s angry with me. I should’ve stayed at the party. After all, his achievements make me happy.

I hope he’s doing fine.

 

_July 15, 2001_

Maybe I should call him first and apologize?

He wanted to be close to me and I pushed him away. It’s all my fault.

 

_August 6, 2001_

I cried all night and now my eyes are so swollen I can barely see. The worst thing happened: my parents don’t want to go back to Germany. Mom wants to turn grandpa’s old house into a motel. I will go to school in London. Actually, it changes nothing. I had no friends in Heppenheim anyway.

 

_August 7, 2001_

I screwed up my courage and called Sebastian’s house, but no one picked up. It shook me up so badly, I burst into tears and mom got worried. We talked and decided that I should look for new friends in London. Mom said that real friends need to be close. You can’t spend time together over the phone. I bet Sebastian is very busy.

 

_September 3, 2001_

Tomorrow is the first day of school and I can’t sleep. I keep thinking about Sebastian. Why hasn’t he called? Maybe he forgot about me already?

I hate myself for being such a coward. I should grab the phone and try to contact him. But what if he says that everything’s fine? What if he’s not calling because he doesn’t feel the need to call?

Amy from the neighbourhood is in my class. I don’t know her well yet, but at least I have someone to talk to.

 

_September 5, 2001_

I should stop writing this diary. Thinking about Sebastian makes me cry. Mom says that I need to pull myself together. Sometimes people lose friends. She says it’s normal.

The school is all right.

 

_December 2, 2001_

Mom likes it here, in London. Me too, most of the time. I only miss Sebastian.

No, I’m not going to think about him. I’m afraid to imagine what he’s doing right now… I start thinking about Claudia straight away.

 

_August 27, 2002_

Long time since my last entry. Probably because nothing was happening. But today something happened: Roger invited me for a walk and I agreed to go. Amy talked me into it.

At first he reminded me of Kai, but now I think he’s not that bad. He’s just one year older, same as Sebastian. He’s very funny. I like boys who make me laugh.

 

_August 28, 2002_

The walk was awkward. I was too uptight. I kept wondering if it was a date which only made me more anxious.

Roger said he wants to know me better. I don’t know how to feel about it. I wish I could trust him more. But how can I trust him if we don’t spend more time together?

I should give him a chance.

 

_September 15, 2002_

It was a mistake. Amy says he’s crazy about me, but I don’t feel anything. I need to talk to him before it’s too late.

 

_September 25, 2002_

Now everyone in his class hates me. I will never go out with a boy ever again. Why can’t they be more like Sebastian? Oh, wait. That didn’t end well either.

 

_January 9, 2003_

Today’s my 15th birthday. I don’t feel much older.

I confided all my worries in Amy. She believes that boys don’t approach me because I’m too pretty. Lol. They are holding a beauty contest at school next week and she says I have to participate. She’s clearly nuts.

Update: I mentioned the beauty contest to mom and she backed Amy. I know I’m not ugly, but I’m no match to the prettiest girls at school. I don’t even know how to do make-up properly and my skin is far from perfect.

 

_January 15, 2003_

I can’t believe it! I won the beauty contest!

Mom took a thousand pictures and now I stare at them. I look pretty when I’m serious.

Amy was right, I guess. For the last year, every time a boy checked me out, I thought it was because of the things Roger was telling about me. Now I can see it’s something else. Other students smile at me. Sometimes say hi. Amy said that if a boy catches my eye I should smile at him particularly widely.

I just remembered what Sebastian said about my grin.

I keep having flashbacks of what happened in his camper and I feel so ashamed, but at the same time… I wish I could be as comfortable with other boys as I felt with him.

Will I ever trust a boy enough to let him touch me? Sometimes I imagine being close to some of the boys from school, but it never feels good.

Today I felt an urge to look for news about Sebastian on the Internet. But then I imagined finding a picture of him with a girlfriend and I felt such pain in my chest that I had to lie down.

I’m sure he has a girlfriend. He’s so gentle and protective…

I messed up. But maybe it’s for the better. It would be hard to keep in touch anyway.

 

_June 18, 2003_

The motel is working well, but mom says it’ll take time until the investment starts bringing money.

I will finish this semester with best grades. Mom’s happy. She started asking about my plans for the future. She thought I wanted to be an architect because of my fascination with house projects. I explained that it was more about my future family than buildings. She said I need to focus on my education first.

 

_August 4, 2003_

I’m in Heppenheim, in my old room. And I’m crying.

I went to Sebastian’s house, but nobody was home.

My parents had an argument yesterday. Dad doesn’t want to go back to England. He said he’ll never find good friends in London and that he doesn’t feel accepted there. I’ve never heard them yell so loud. Timmy was terrified. I let him sleep in my bed.

I hate this summer.

 

_December 25, 2003_

Dad came over for Christmas. I missed him so much. I got a laptop from him. Mom bought me a new mobile phone. Timmy was showered with new toys. I know what it means. Our parents don’t love each other the way they used to. Each of them wants to be the better parent…

Dad promised to call on my birthday.

 

_June 6, 2004_

I don’t know if I should laugh or cry.

Yesterday was my parents' wedding anniversary and dad paid us an unexpected visit. He took mom out to dinner. I was already in bed when they returned.

The next day at breakfast they looked so happy I knew something was going to change.

We’re all going back to Heppenheim in September!

I don’t want to part with Amy.

And I’m afraid of meeting Sebastian. I’m sure he moved on. Meanwhile I can’t stop thinking about him.

Update: I told Amy that I’m moving out. And about Sebastian. Everything except for what we did in the camper. I feel so relieved.

 

_June 23, 2004_

We’re going to spend vacations at Lake Garda. I intend to workout and get a tan. I need to be fit in September. I need to look good.

  
_July 16, 2004_

Hahaha! Nice joke. I don’t know what I was thinking… Italian food is too delicious.

I can’t fit into my old shorts! Mom says it’s because I’m growing up, but I know better. No more tiramisu.

I went to a fashion show in Milan with mom. Best day of the year!

 

_July 17, 2004_

Another Italian boy asked me on a date. I hate the way they touch my shoulder and grab my hand as if I were their girlfriend already…

Davide is quite handsome, but I can’t stop second guessing his intentions. It’s all Kai’s fault. Or rather mine since I let him fool me.

 

_September 2, 2004_

My last entry from England. Our departure is delayed, so I won’t make it to the first day of school.

Yesterday I said goodbye to Amy. We promised to keep in touch and cried like babies.

Amy said that as soon as I get to Heppenheim I should look for Sebastian and tell him how I feel about him. If he doesn’t feel the same way, it’ll be easier to move on.

I doubt I’ll find the courage.

 

***

 

Feeling a lump in her throat, Hanna opened the door to her room in Heppenheim.

The first thing she saw were the posters of Britney Spears on the wall.  _You're not a little girl anymore. Neither am I_ , she thought.

Her gaze swept around her childhood room. She had no time to get soft and look back.

Changing into a comfortable dress, she started rummaging about her bags for a matching pair of shoes.

“Already going out?” her dad asked, bringing another suitcase to her room.

“I need to talk to someone.”

As she was crossing the park, everything was coming back to her: Sebastian on his bike, Sebastian playing with his dog, the long walks together, the hugs and the kisses on the cheek.

Before she got to Sebastian’s house, she was already shaking with nerves.

_Three years have passed. Maybe he’s happy without me._

_No, you’re not going to be a coward, Hanna. Not this time!_

She rang the doorbell, feeling her heart in her throat.

It was _Frau_ Vettel who opened the door. “Hanna? You’re so big!” They hugged. “Where have you been? Sebastian missed you so much.”

“I was in London, but I’m back. Is he home?”

“No. He’s at the inaugural party at the Gymnasium…” Sebastian’s mom kissed Hanna’s forehead as if she were one of her children. “I’ll send him a message that you’re here. He’ll be back in no time.”

“No, don’t. I better go to the school and look for him,” Hanna decided. “It’s nice to see you again, _Frau_ Vettel.”

“Nice to see you too, honey.”

Hanna found herself back on Daimlerstraße with a long way ahead of her. It was slowly getting dark. Her arms wrapped around her chest, she hurried down Heppenheim, doubts growing in her mind.

_He missed me… Maybe just at the beginning? And then he probably moved on and now I’m nothing but a disappointment to him._

As she pushed the school door open, she heard music coming from the gym.

Her stomach turned when she recognized the song: _Wicked Game_ by Christ Isaac, one of the saddest love songs she’d ever heard. _No, I don't want to fall in love (this girl is only gonna break your heart)…_

 _He must hate me by now_ , Hanna thought, trying to ignore the stomach ache.

Her old biology teacher appeared before her. “Hanna? I barely recognized you!”

In a minute other teachers joined, joyfully greeting her back in Heppenheim.

“Excuse me, I need to talk to someone,” she explained when they started asking about London.

 

***

 

In the dim light of the ballroom, couples were swaying to the rhythm of the heartbreaking song. Hanna’s heart started to break a little too as her eyes darted from one couple to the other.

_Who will he hold in his arms?_

He wasn’t on the dance floor. Some couples were cuddling on the chairs in the corner and Hanna headed that way.

_I have to know._

After a few steps she felt someone’s gaze on her and turned her head.

Sebastian was standing by the wall with a phone pressed to his ear. He was staring at her as if she were a ghost.

Hanna froze.

“Is that really you?” He approached looking at her so intently she felt her cheeks warm up.

_No, I don't want to fall in love (this girl is only gonna break your heart)…_

That awful song was never going to end.

“Where have you been?” Sebastian asked, stopping at arm’s length.

“In London. I meant to tell you I was going away at your party when… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left so early. It was stupid…”

“Why didn’t you just call?”

“I was waiting for you to call. Claudia promised to pass my British phone number to you…”

Sebastian frowned. “She never…” He trailed off, clenching his jaw.

Another song finally came on; it was loud and the students started jumping around making even more noise.

“Let’s go somewhere else,” Sebastian grabbed Hanna’s hand and pulled her to the door.

She gripped his fingers. _I’m not letting you go. Ever_ , she thought.

Sebastian led them to the stairs. As they reached the top floor, they sneaked between the big plants in front of the biology class.

“I can’t believe you’re really here,” Sebastian finally turned to Hanna, his voice lower than she remembered.

Hanna’s throat tightened and she couldn’t utter a word, so she just fell into Sebastian’s arms. He smelled of aftershave, like a man. And was much taller than three years ago.

“I thought you hated me,” she snivelled.

“I thought you hate ME,” he said.

“For what?”

“You don’t remember? The magazine…”

_Ah, the half-naked lady…_

“I overreacted. I’m sorry. I wanted to explain over the phone, but you never called.”

Sebastian sighed. “I’ve been trying to call you every day for the whole summer.”

“Claudia never gave you my number?”

Sebastian shook his head. “She told me that I should move on…”

Hanna frowned, anger stirring inside her. “So… are you two together?”

“No… I mean…” he hesitated, so she leaned back to look at him. “We went on a date once, but it was awkward as hell.”

Hanna stopped listening. “Your hair is so short…” she noticed. There wasn’t much light in the corridor, just a bit from the lamps in the school yard.

Sebastian turned his head away. “Yeah… I became so ugly… With braces and all this acne…”

Hanna grabbed both his hands and squeezed them hard. “Please, be my boyfriend!”

He opened his mouth in utter shock, a series of emotions crossing his face. Finally, he smiled from ear to ear. “Yes! I would love that.” Remembering his braces, he pursed his lips.

Hanna threw herself back into his arms, tears of happiness filling her eyes.

_My Sebastian. My boyfriend._

She squeezed him hard and he did the same as if they were wrestling. But after a while they relaxed and kept holding each other in silence.

“It’s the best day of my life,” Sebastian confessed, bringing a wide smile to Hanna’s lips.

“Mine too,” she said looking up at him. 

She wasn’t sure what she liked more: hugging him or seeing his happy face.

“Can we find a spot to sit? I came on foot from your house…” she said.

“Of course.” Before she could start looking for chairs, he lifted her by the waist and seated her on the window sill without any effort.

“Just wait until someone turns the lights on. You’ll look at me and run away screaming,” he said, sitting next to her and putting his arm around her.

“You’re not getting rid of me so easily.”

“Why would I want to get rid of you? You’re the most beautiful girl in the world.”

“Stop…”

“Really?”

“No… go on.”

“You’re the most beautiful girl in the world,” he repeated. “And you’re my girlfriend.”

Hanna closed her eyes, feeling like she was drowning in bliss.

“I’ll do my best to make you happy, but you need to be aware that I’m not…” the seriousness in Sebastian’s voice made her look at him. “I’m not perfect.”

Hanna stared into the pretty eyes she missed so much. “Nobody is,” she said calmly.

Sebastian smiled, but the smile faded quickly. “My sister Melanie told me that I should wait for your move. She said that I’m too clingy and it might scare you away. So I waited. Meanwhile… you left.”

Hanna felt her throat close up again. “I’m sorry…”

“Stop apologizing.”

“But it was my fault.”

“It was just a misunderstanding. But if you really want to blame someone, think of Claudia.”

Hanna sighed. “I don’t really want to talk about her.”

“Me neither.” Sebastian grasped Hanna’s hand. “I actually don’t feel like talking at all.”

“But I have so much to tell you!”

“Let’s just hug and be happy for a while, okay?” he suggested.

“Okay…” she agreed. “I only have one question: how long till you can take these off?” she asked, looking at his braces.

“Not long, actually. Just four more months. I hope to look better when they’re gone.” Something flickered in his eyes. “And to be more... kissable,” he added.

“We’ll see,” Hanna said, her imagination running wild.

As he smiled at her, his eyes sparkling playfully, she felt blush spread all over her face. There was no other choice but to hide in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since this is the last update this year: Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, everyone.


	9. Ladybug [2004]

_September, 2004_

When Hanna pulled on her hiking boots, her parents were still in their pyjamas.

“Thanks for the sandwiches,” she whispered because her brother was still sleeping. “I’ll call when we get to the Starkenburg castle."

“All right, have fun.”

Hanna smiled broadly, snatching her backpack.

She was supposed to meet Sebastian at 7.30 in front of her house. It was 7.32, yet the pavement was empty.

Hanna looked around, frowning. Maybe she mixed something up?

Yesterday evening seemed like a dream. She cuddled with Sebastian on the windowsill until the party was over and _Herr_ Norbert came to pick them up. Sebastian walked her to the door and they hugged again. Hanna couldn’t hold back happy tears once she got home, which prompted an explanation to her alarmed parents.

Someone was pulling up on a motorbike. Hanna had no trouble recognizing her boyfriend even though he was wearing a helmet. Her stomach tightened. The view of bikers zipping by always frightened her. She had no idea how they managed to stay on their seats. She would most likely fall…

“I’m sorry I’m late!” Sebastian took his helmet off. “I was so excited I couldn’t sleep. And when I finally did, I slept through the alarm.” He studied her. “Oh no… I knew you wouldn’t be too happy to see me in broad daylight.”

Hanna collected her wits. “It’s not that.”

“Can I get a hug?”

“Yes.” She wrapped her arms around his waist, feeling safe in his embrace, but would she still be safe rushing at breakneck speed on his bike? Anxiety washed over her.

“Your hair is much lighter than I remember,” Sebastian noticed before he looked into her eyes. “What’s wrong?”

_Don’t lie to him. You’re a coward and he should know about it._

“Do we have to go on the motorbike? I have motion sickness…”

Sebastian threw a glance at his bike. “No! I only took it because I was late.We’re going on foot as planned.”

“Thank God…”

Sebastian smiled, pulling her into a hug once again. “I’m a racing driver and you have motion sickness. Just perfect,” he laughed.

“I’m sorry…”

“It’s okay. Is your backpack heavy?” he asked, stepping away. “I can carry some stuff for you?”

“I’m good.”

The boy’s eyes shifted to Hanna’s hair. “You’re almost blond.”

“It’s from the sun,” she explained. “Mom doesn’t let me bleach my hair yet, so it’ll go back to dark soon.”

Sebastian sighed. It was a very sweet sigh. “Okay, we should probably get going,” he declared, putting his stuffed backpack on the ground. “I just need to put the ankle weights on. It’s going to be good training for me.”

While Sebastian was fastening the weights to his legs, Hanna studied his back and shoulders. She remembered that day when he had picked her up from the ground at the lake. Even then he was stronger than his frame would suggest.

“Ready?”

Hanna nodded.

To reach the path that would lead them up the mountain they had to cross the town. Sebastian took the opportunity to show Hanna what had changed during her time in London.

 _Why are we not holding hands?_ she wondered.

“My English improved a lot,” he said when they were walking past the English school. “Is your mom going back to teaching?”

“Probably. She’s still a co-owner of the school,” Hanna replied.

_We’re a couple! We should hold hands…_

A man squeezed between them with his bicycle, forcing Sebastian to get on the kerb; a group of children with their teacher were approaching from farther away. “Can I hold your hand?” Sebastian asked as he spotted them.

“Yes!”

Their hands clasped tightly. The children walked past, they were holding hands too.

Sebastian chuckled under his breath. “We’re going the wrong way.”

Hanna smiled back, but once Sebastian’s thumb stroked her skin, the world spun around and she had to focus on walking.

Finally they left the town behind, a beautiful view of vineyards bathed in sunshine opening before their eyes. As they set off climbing, the sun began to blaze down and their hands got a bit moist. Hanna took a peek at Sebastian; he wasn’t sweaty despite the weights on his ankles.

“Want to take a break?” he asked.

“No, I’m fine. Am I walking too slowly?”

“It’s not a race,” he smiled warmly.

_Jesus, girl! Just say what’s bothering you. Don’t make it so complicated._

She plucked up her courage. “My hand is sweating. Maybe we could…” She laced their fingers together, loosely enough to let the air flow in between.

“That’s nice,” he said. “I still think we should take a break. I brought a blanket… we could stay here in the vineyard and eat something.”

 _He’s not overprotective, he’s just hungry_ , Hanna realized. “You skipped breakfast, didn’t you?”

“I woke up very late…”

“Okay. I see a nice spot over there.”

They abandoned the road, passed the bushes and found themselves on a green hillside overlooking the old town.

Sebastian spread the blanket on the grass and smoothened it with his hand, checking for any rocks underneath. “Okay, you can sit now.”

Hanna sat down, trying not to grimace. She had crossed the entire Heppenheim chasing after him yesterday; no wonder she was feeling tired so soon.

The boy took two cartons of yoghurt out of his backpack. “Mom packed me two spoons!” he discovered.

They started eating, their eyes set on their beautiful hometown. Hanna had worked up such a good appetite she took the sandwiches out and together with Sebastian they ate everything down to a crumb.

“That’s kind of our first date,” Sebastian said, wiping his hands on a tissue. “So I got you a gift.”

Hanna quickly swallowed the water she had in her mouth. She felt bad because she had nothing for Sebastian. Besides, in her imagination their first date looked completely different.

Sebastian handed her a small box. “I bought this three years ago, hoping to see you again in September.”

Inside the box was a necklace with a pendant – a little glass bottle with a tiny lilly inside.

“I love it! It’s beautiful,” Hanna’s eyes moved from the gift to Sebastian’s face; there was the real beauty that was making her heart sing. “Thank you.” She leaned forward, hoping he’d read it correctly. He did.

They hugged, but the position was too awkward to linger.

“I have nothing to give you…” Hanna said, shifting away.

“You’re giving me happiness.” Sebastian reached for her hand, but as he looked down, his eyes filled with terror. He shrieked and jumped off the blanket.

“Is it a snake?” Hanna asked, paralyzed with fear.

Sebastian stumbled further away. “Worse. I think I saw a mouse!”

Hanna gaped at him. “What?!”

“I hate mice… They move so fast and all they do is looking for holes. If they see a hole, they’ll run into it, no matter if it’s your backpack or your mouth!”

“What are you talking about?” Hanna burst out laughing. “They don’t want to have anything to do with you, Sebastian. Even if it was a mouse, it’s long gone!”

“There might be more of them…”

“Come on, don’t be ridiculous.” Hanna extended her hand. “Come here. I’ll protect you.”

The little frown on Sebastian’s forehead and his pouting lips made him look cute. And there was something alluring in the idea of keeping him safe, even if the danger wasn’t really there.

“No mouse will mistake your mouth for a hole if you keep it closed, okay?”

“How am I supposed to talk then?”

“Just… keep it closed for a moment, would you?”

The change in her voice must have convinced him.

“Tightly shut,” she instructed once he sat down. “Promise?”

He nodded. Just a while ago he was pale with fright, but now his cheeks were getting red.

Wondering if he would keep his promise, Hanna slid closer and pressed her lips to his. So full… so soft and warm…

She lingered, holding her breath. As he touched her cheek, their lips brushed and she had to pull away because her head was spinning too much.

Shyly, she looked up; his eyes were closed. Her whole body tingling, she took a deep breath, waiting for her heart to slow down.

Meanwhile Sebastian collapsed on the blanket with a long sigh. “You just killed me…”

Hanna never expected their first kiss to go like this, but his reaction made her relieved and happy. “So you’re dead? That’s a shame. I was hoping you’d feel more alive.”

“Wait… actually…” He propped himself on his elbows, squinting in the sunlight. “I’m confused. Can we try that again?”

“So you’re not scared of mice anymore?”

Sebastian exposed his braces in a cheerful grin.

“Okay, but lie down,” she said.

His expression changed immediately. “Really?”

Hanna pushed him on the blanket. For an instant he seemed so overwhelmed as if he was going to cry.

She sat on her heels next to him and bent down. She could see his eyes fall shut before their lips joined again. Blood rushed to her head as they shared another innocent kiss.

“Now I’m deader…” Sebastian whispered.

“No, you’re not.”

“Come here.” He opened his arms.

Hanna snuggled up to him. The ground was uneven and there was something hard under her hip, but she felt comfortable anyway.

She remembered the day mom let her have a sip of wine - the first time she ever drank alcohol. The kiss left her lightheaded in a similar way. All her worries and insecurities were gone.

She stared at Sebastian’s face; he was so close she could see every imperfection on his skin. “You’re so handsome.”

He looked surprised.

Hanna shifted to kiss his cheek in case he had doubts.

“You really are into me…” he said, incredulous.

“No… I’m pretending, because I have nothing else to do.”

His contagious smile made her grin.

A buzzing next to her ear made her turn her head.

“It’s just a ladybug,” Sebastian noticed. “Don’t move. It landed on your…”

Hanna followed his gaze. The ladybug was climbing up her breast. Sebastian was following its strides with a sparkle in his eye.

“It’s hiking too, but it has already reached the top…”

“Because that’s barely a hill.” She couldn’t believe she’d said that!

Sebastian started getting red again. “It’s a perfect hill.”

Hanna stared at the bug. An intense feeling consumed her – it resembled embarrassment, but was actually nice.

“I’ll help it to take off.” Sebastian pressed a tip of his finger to the fabric of Hanna’s shirt.

She could barely feel it, but still it made her shiver. The ladybug went around the finger so Sebastian had to try again.

“It doesn’t want to leave…” Hanna laughed.

“I don’t blame it,” Sebastian said, chasing the bug.

When it finally climbed the boy’s finger, Hanna felt genuinely disappointed.

“Fly away, little hiker.” Sebastian sat up, sticking his finger up in the air. The ladybug flew away and disappeared from their sight.

Hanna reached for the pendant and admired the sun shining through the bottle.

“Can I kiss you now?” Sebastian asked, turning to her.

“Yes, but not too hard… I have bad memories…”

“And I have braces.” He bent down, cupping her face.

The bottle was still cool when she closed her hand around the pendant.

The kiss was as perfect as the first and the second one, yet slightly different. Sebastian pressed his lips a bit harder and tore them away quicker, making Hanna’s lips tingle.

“Was that okay?” he asked, searching for the answer in her eyes.

She could feel her face burn. “Yes.”

Beaming, he grasped her hand and rested next to her. “That’s my new favourite thing.”

Hanna smiled at the sky.

 

*

 

When they finally resumed the walk, Sebastian asked about London. Hanna was talking non-stop until they reached the castle. Finally, the ordeal of climbing the turret made her fall silent.

The view from the top was breathtaking.

“Can you see your house?” Hanna asked.

Sebastian wasn’t even looking at Heppenheim. “Can I hug you?”

“Okay.”

He was really warm.

 _I’ll wait until he lets go first_ , Hanna thought.

Sebastian must have thought the same because minutes were passing and neither of them moved. Only when a group of tourists appeared at the top step did Sebastian pull away. “You needed three minutes to calm down,” he announced.

Hanna frowned.

“I could feel your heart beat.”

 

*

 

“I will never forget this day,” Sebastian said, reaching for his helmet.

Even though her legs were killing her, Hanna smiled earnestly. “Drive safely.”

_Please, kiss me before you put that helmet on. Kiss me before you go. We won’t see each other till Monday…_

“I’ll call you tomorrow.”

Hanna nodded, lifting her chin. A thought that her parents might be watching flashed through her mind, but the kiss was so pure and innocent they surely wouldn’t mind.

“Bye.”

Tomorrow was Sunday – a day for the family. And Sebastian wasn’t family.

 

*

 

She had never wanted to get to the Gymnasium as badly as she did that day.

Sebastian was starting his lessons earlier, so they couldn’t walk to school together. But she knew his schedule and where to look for him.

Right now he was still in the classroom, so she went to the toilets to kill some time. The moment she went into a stall, she heard someone enter.

“Guess who’s back from London,” a girl said.

“Hanna Prater, I know. Is she back for good?” asked another girl.

“Looks like it. Apparently she’s dating Vettel…”

“Of course she likes him now. He’s rich and famous.”

Hanna felt tears coming to her eyes. She never felt more hurt.

How could they even say that? Her parents had more money than the Vettels! And was Sebastian really famous? She had no idea and didn’t care.

Wishing she had enough courage to get out and confront those girls, she remained motionless until they left.

 _Sebastian can’t see me like this_ , she thought, wiping her cheeks.

The bell rang, announcing the break.

Hanna rushed to check her face in the mirror.  _It’s going to be all right. Find him and show them how much you…_

Her heart leaped with emotion.

_Love him? Of course…_

She inhaled slowly, unexpected energy filling her body.

Nothing around her mattered as she spotted Sebastian outside his classroom. He saw her too.

“Hi,” she said, stepping closer. _Please hug me and keep me safe._

He patted her shoulder. “Hi. How are you?”

Hanna made another attempt to get a hug from him, but he fidgeted, making a step back.

“I’m good,” she lied. Why was he acting so cold? Was he ashamed of her?

“I need to go. We’ll catch up later, okay?” he said, his voice grave.

Hanna nodded, unable to utter a word.


	10. Thinking of You

She was halfway between school and home when she heard Sebastian’s urgent voice.

“Hanna, wait up!”

_He’s going to break up with me_ , she thought, picking up the pace.

“Hanna?”

Even if she sprinted away, there was no escape; he was the fastest of the school.

He caught up with her, but she was afraid to look at him, so she kept walking.

Everyone around seemed to be smirking at them, as if it was obvious they would end up splitting. “Look, I don’t know what you’ve heard, but I really don’t care about your money.”

“What are you talking about?” Sebastian asked, taking her hand. “Let’s go this way.”

She let him lead her through narrow passages between buildings until they reached a calm part of old Heppenheim, occupied by old people and their cats.

He stopped and turned to her. “I’m sorry for being so rude… Really, really sorry,” he said in a shaking voice, looking down.

“But… why?” she asked, terrified by the pain she felt at the sight of his tears.

“Have I told you about that day when I was a little boy and I brought one of my trophies to school, but other kids started teasing me and calling me a showoff? They took the trophy away from me and made me chase them around the school. When I finally got it back, it was broken…”

Hanna felt her throat tighten with emotion, shuddering at the vision of a little boy humiliated because of something he loved and was good at.

“Some people are watching my every step. You just came back and they’re already asking about you. I heard the girls in my class chat about you… If they see how proud I am of you, how much I care… they will try to hurt you out of spite.”

“They said I like you because you’re famous… and I didn’t even…” she choked out.

Sebastian hugged her tightly. “Don’t worry; I know it’s not true. But I think it will be safer if we don’t hug or kiss at school.”

The warmth of his embrace brought her relief. “That’s not fair. Why can’t we ignore mean people and do whatever we want?”

“They’re mean because they miss the things we have. And we don’t have to shove our happiness into their faces. Michael explained it to me, though I think he was talking about the money… Anyway, I should’ve warned you about it before we started dating. I’m sorry.”

Hearing a tremble in his voice, Hanna leaned away and looked up. “Warn me about what?”

His eyes were still wet. “The fans, those who cheer for me… the girls who… follow me. And those fans who cheer for my rivals… they can be mean… Sometimes I can barely handle it. I love what I do and they won’t stop me, but I don’t want you to be their target.”

“Don’t worry about me. I’m a tough cookie, you said so yourself.”

He looked doubtful, but didn’t argue.

“We will take care of each other,” Hanna added. “Don’t cry.”

“I’m not crying; you’re crying…” It was almost funny, because that very moment two big tears rolled down his cheeks.

“Give me a kiss,” Hanna rose to her tiptoes.

He bent immediately to fit their lips together, and just like that, their hearts were light again.

“You’re the best thing that ever happened to me,” Hanna said. Though it sounded cheesy, it was the truth.

He smiled for the first time that day. “You’re stealing my lines.”

 

*

 

It wouldn’t be fair to say that she had trouble concentrating because of him. She always had those moments of pensiveness when she stared out the window, imagining things. The difference was that now he was the only thing on her mind.

He knew exactly what she needed when they were kids. Her knight in shining armour, protecting her from Kai. It never occurred to her that he would need protection himself. He was so strong and relentless after all.

She jumped in her seat at the sound of her phone. Someone sent her a message.

“Mom’s baked an applepie. Wanna swing by?”

“After I finish my homework.”

“I can pick you up on my motorbike.”

“I like my bicycle better.”

“Okay, I’m waiting.”

Hanna put her phone away and resumed doing her homework. Suddenly her level of concentration was so high that half an hour passed in a blur; she shoved the biology textbook into her backpack and darted from her seat.

It took her a while to change and find her bicycle. She didn’t want to get sweaty, so she rode slowly, however difficult it was. She couldn’t wait to see Sebastian’s house again, the camper, his dog and his room… and himself, of course.

She passed the open gate to the backyard and stopped abruptly. There was a huge new camper parked where the old one had been.

The house was suspiciously quiet. Sebastian’s Dalmatian Floyd usually barked when someone approached the driveway.

Hanna left her bicycle next to Sebastian’s and climbed the steps to the door. Before she could knock, a slightly winded Sebastian threw it open. “Hi! What took you so long?”

“You’re the racer, not me.” She stepped inside and bent to take her shoes off. “I see you have a new camper. What happened to the old one?”

“Why? Was the old one better?” he asked with a cheeky smile.

“I haven’t been inside this one yet…” Hanna’s face was red, and sure enough, _Frau_ Vettel chose that exact moment to come greet her.

“Halo, _Schätzchen_. Nice to see you. How are your parents?” They hugged.

“Good. Thank you.”

“The pie is in your room, Sebastian. Give a piece to your brother.”

“Can I show Hanna the camper first?”

“She just took her shoes off, for God’s sake. Do it when she’s leaving.”

That wasn’t such a bad idea. Now the thought of leaving didn’t seem so bad.

“Where’s Floyd?” Hanna asked, following Sebastian to his room.

He flinched. “Died last winter… He was quite old. But don’t mention him to Fabian. It makes him cry.”

Hanna felt like crying herself, but she didn’t get the chance because Fabian was in Sebastian’s room. He was helping himself to the pie, the powdered sugar all over his face.

“Hello!” Hanna looked at him with glee. He was still cute; looked like a little Sebastian. “Remember me?”

Fabian had his mouth full so he just nodded, pointing a finger at the wall. Posters of Michael had disappeared, replaced by… Britney Spears and Jessica Alba. And in the midst of it all, a very young, grinning Hanna from the photograph Sebastian had picked from her family album.

“I deliberately haven’t moved anything after we started dating… I wanted you to see how it was before you came back,” Sebastian explained, following her gaze.

“Since when do you like Britney?! Do you even know any of her songs?”

“I do! There’s this one with the snake…”

“Of course,” Hanna grunted, picturing Britney’s exposed stomach and the provocative choreography.

Sebastian blushed. “She made me think of you.”

“I don’t have a pierced belly button…”

“I’ll take them off. I don’t even pay attention to them anymore.” He darted to the wall.

“No, wait.” Grabbing him by the arm, she slid a hand over his bicep, surprised by how hard it was. “It’s okay. I have my idols too. If you like what they do…”

"To be honest, I was more into their looks,” he admitted and started ripping the posters off the wall.

“That doesn’t look too good,” Hanna commented when there was only her photograph left on the wall. “Besides, you need a more recent one.”

“I do, but I’m not giving you this one back,” he stated, taking the photo off the wall and putting it on top of a framed family photo on his desk.

“That’s rude…” Hanna took a piece of pie for herself.

“Mom must have some spare frames. I’ll ask her later.” He joined them at the table. “I can eat only one piece, so give me the biggest one!”

“Why? Your brother already ate two.”

“Sugar is not good for professional racing drivers.”

“Not if they’re still growing.”

“I want to grow upwards not sideways.”

Hanna sighed; even as a little kid, he always had to have the last word. There was no point arguing with him.

“So…” She turned her attention to the smaller boy. “Fabian! Is your brother nice to you? What have you two been up to lately?”

Fabian stared at his plate, fidgeting. “He’s racing cars…”

“Is he fast?”

“Yes.” He tried to gather the crumbs with his spoon, but only made a mess on the table.

Though he was shy at first, Hanna found a way to make him chattier. At the beginning Sebastian was just staring at her absent-mindedly, but at some point he started getting impatient.

“Do you want to play computer games?” he asked, snatching the spoon from his brother’s hand.

“No.”

Hanna barely kept herself from laughing, seeing Sebastian’s irritated face.

“How about some cartoons?”

“The concert!” the boy exclaimed, jumping to his feet. He ran up to the desk, opened a drawer and grabbed a DVD box.

“Okay,” Sebastian turned the computer on. “He’s crazy about Michael Jackson lately. Got it from me, I think.”

Fabian climbed into the desk chair eagerly, eyes locked on the screen. The music was loud enough for Sebastian and Hanna to talk without the boy hearing them.

“It’s weird to listen to those songs now,” Sebastian commented, sitting down close to the girl. “After you know… the accusations.”

“I know. Do you think he’s innocent?”

“I hope so.”

When Sebastian reached for her hand she forgot about the scandal, the songs, Fabian and the cake…

But then _Frau_ Vettel peeked into the room. “What’s going on here?”

Sebastian quickly retrieved his hand.

_Frau_ Vettel knitted her eyebrows. “You should’ve sent him to me instead of making him watch that ungodly prancing! Fabian, come to the kitchen. I have something to show you.” She extended her hand to the boy.

“But…”

“No buts. You’ve seen that show too many times already.”

Sebastian kept quiet like a lamb until his mom and brother left the room.

“Ungodly prancing,” Hanna chuckled. “She clearly hasn’t seen Britney and the snake.”

“That would be hard to explain to my brother if he asked ‘why they do that’... like he did when we watched Michael for the first time.”

“You had to explain the crotch grab to him?”

“I told him Michael just wants to pee. Next time he had to go, he did the gesture in front of mom and she wasn’t too happy.”

“Oh my God!” Hanna covered her mouth, blushing with second hand embarrassment. “You’re awful.”

“Really?” His eyes sparkled as he reached for her hand again. “Did you like the cake?”

His touch made her weak, as if he had some weird power in his fingers. “Yes,” she replied, mortified by her own voice.

“You want more?” he asked, sidling up to her.

“No, I’m good.”

“All right.” His arm went up and around her neck.

She cuddled close to him, keeping an eye on the door; _Frau_ Vettel had left it cracked open. “What if your mom comes…”

“Chillax, we’re not having sex, are we?”

Something shuddered inside her at his words; her heart started to hammer. It wasn’t the first time someone mentioned sex in her presence, but this time it sounded so… real. Not like something that happens to other people.

It got silent. Hanna did her best to control her breathing, but it was hard. She looked around the room to find something to focus on. “Oh my God, the trophies! So many of them!”

It must have been Sebastian’s fault that she was so blind and hadn’t noticed them earlier. The trophy cabinet occupied the entire wall.

“Dad wants to move them to the living room,” he said. “Want to see them up close?”

“Of course!”

Sebastian started taking out one trophy after another, explaining when he had won them and how. He followed her reaction to each one, watching her fingers skim over the surface.

“They’re so shiny. I’m afraid to leave fingerprints on them…”

“Your fingerprints are the only ones I don’t mind.”

They both blushed as if they were doing God knows what. When _Frau_ Vettel came to ask if they wanted more tea, Hanna was sure they both looked suspicious.

“No, thank you,” she replied. “I need to leave soon.”

“Already?” Sebastian made a sad face. “Nooooo…”

She threw him a look, so he stopped protesting.

“Did you like the pie?”

“Yes, it was delicious.”

_Frau_ Vettel eyed them up and down and finally left.

“Oh, God…” Sebastian growled, putting the trophies away. “She’s acting even weirder than when my sister’s boyfriend was here.”

“You think she’ll keep checking on us if we’re in the camper?” Hanna asked.

Sebastian’s eyes grew big. “I forgot! Let’s find out.”

Before leaving the house, Hanna stopped by the kitchen to say goodbye to the hostess and to Fabian.

“It would be ridiculous if she showed up after she said goodbye to me,” Hanna whispered to Sebastian when they were approaching the camper.

“Yeah… I better lock the door. Just in case.”

“Right.”

Sebastian opened the door for her and stepped back. He was probably checking out her butt, but for the first time in her life she didn’t mind.

“It’s a comfortable home on wheels,” he announced, locking the door behind them. “Much bigger than the old one. Here’s the kitchen annex… there’s a bathroom with a shower.”

He led her from one compartment to another, showing her all the furnishings and opening cabinets. His voice was shaking a little, but he seemed more excited than stressed.

“We don’t have to worry about hotel reservations when we travel,” he said when they stopped near the beds. “The whole family can sleep here.”

“Are the beds comfortable?” she asked, sitting down on the nearest one and trying to look natural as if it were a normal question, no hidden intentions at all.

“Yeah… especially the bunk beds. Want to try? I’ll help you climb in.”

The upper bunk was in a niche; it looked like a bed on a ship.

“There’s not enough space to sit…” she noticed, hunching down.

“It’s a bed, not a chair. Just lie down.”

She rolled her eyes, but her face changed completely when Sebastian squeezed himself in next to her.

“And? Are you comfortable?” he asked, rolling to his side to face her, his voice clear in the confined space.

At the sight of him, all the months spent away passed before her eyes, making her sorry for herself, but also angry that she’d been such a coward.

“You’re not claustrophobic, are you?” he added, slightly worried. “Because you’re kind of stuck…”

“I like being stuck with you,” she whispered, leaning in to kiss him. “Your turn now,” she said, resting on her back.

He moved his face close to hers, but instead of kissing her, he just rubbed their noses together.

Hanna sniggered into his face, but he didn’t back off. Just the opposite, he looked her straight in the eye before pressing their lips together so hard she felt tickling all over her body and her heart nearly jumped out of her chest.

He separated their lips with a wet sound. His face was red and Hanna felt her own cheeks burning as well. His gaze slid to her neck and down to her shirt.

“My turn now,” she said in nervously, pushing him on his back.

He blinked, as if waking up from some kind of spell, and took a slow breath.

Hanna smiled and pressed a tender kiss to his forehead. “I just kissed your mind.”

“I wouldn’t… I mean…” He cleared his throat. “Don’t go there. It’s a filthy place.”

Hanna looked him in the eye, frowning. “Why? Are you planning to murder someone?” she asked, stroking a strand of hair on his temple.

He studied her face for a while before reaching up to stroke her hair as well. “You’re the only person on my mind.”

“So?”

“You don’t want to know.” Something in his eyes encouraged her to push it.

“What if I have the same thoughts?” she suggested, looking away.

“I doubt that. Princesses don’t have thoughts like that.”

“Well…” Her throat was completely dry. “I’m also a woman,” she croaked. She expected him to snort or make a joke, but he said nothing, just kept staring at her with these huge eyes of his.

“Are we kissing in your thoughts?” he asked. She’d never heard his voice get so low.

Her eyes fixed on his cherry lips. “Yes. A lot. But you don’t have braces and it’s not just… pressing lips together the way we do.”

His gaze was making her shy, but she really wanted to continue that conversation, so she snuggled up to him and closed her eyes.

“What else do we do? Do we touch?”

“Yes.”

A moment of silence followed, with Hanna imagining Sebastian’s hands on her body, preparing herself for the question to follow.

“Are we naked?”

Hanna took a sharp breath in as the visions flashed through her mind. “Sometimes, yes…”

“Well, in my thoughts we’re always naked so… there’s that.” He sounded content to have proven his point.

“What’s so filthy about it?” she asked, looking up to see his grin get swept away. “Keep thinking about it, Sebi…” She leaned closer to his lips. “Until we’re ready.” She kissed him gently, but he quickly turned his head.

“I’m sorry… I need to sit up…” His movements stiff, he clambered out, tugging at his shirt and jeans. “Or maybe we could take a walk or something…”

“You could take your bicycle and join me on my way home,”she suggested.

“Good idea. Let me just go and change shoes.”

 

*

 

She patiently waited for him next to the bicycles. Apparently he had trouble finding the right shoes…

She knew why he panicked, but wasn’t sure how to react. Should she feel guilty about making him uneasy? Maybe they should talk about it? But what if it makes him feel even more embarrassed?

“Mom packed some pie for your family,” he said when he finally joined her.

“Thank you, Mrs. Vettel!” she said loudly, since it was almost certain that _Frau_ Vettel was eavesdropping by the door or at least peeping out the window.

As they rode to her home, Sebastian was showing off a little, riding down the stairs or with his front wheel in the air or with his hands off the handle bars. She was worried he would end up hurt but she kept quiet because he seemed to be enjoying himself.

When they were saying goodbyes in front of her house, Sebastian kissed her softly. “I’ll be thinking of you,” he said in his low voice again.

“Please, do,” she said. Warm shivers accompanied her all the way to the door.


	11. Hockenheim

_October 2, 2004_

Hanna checked her backpack for the third time. Fifteen minutes had passed since she took the motion sickness medication, but instead of getting sleepy, as usual, she kept starting at the slightest noise from the driveway.

“Have you eaten your breakfast?” her mom asked.

“Yes, yes…” The truth was that she had shoved the yoghurt and the sandwich into the backpack. She couldn’t burden her stomach before car travel.

“When will you be back? Do you have enough money? Don’t you want to take an umbrella?” her mom kept asking, making her more anxious.

Ten o’clock passed and Stefanie’s car was nowhere to be seen; looked like running late was common for the Vettels.

“I’ll wait outside,” Hanna said, flinging her backpack over her shoulder.

“Have fun.”

_I will, but first I need to survive the car ride…_

Looking out for Stefanie’s navy blue Golf, Hanna recalled the day when she was waiting for Sebastian in the same spot - the day of their first date. A month had passed since then and they had only managed to meet four times. Sebastian was a busy boy. He wasn’t home on weekends, sometimes even missed school on Fridays. He trained a few hours every day: on bike or jogging or in his garage where _Herr_ Norbert had set up a little gym for him.

Last time they kissed was on Thursday. On Friday he was already in Hockenheim, forty minutes away from their hometown, preparing for the last two races of the season. His parents and brother were there with their camper, only the sisters stayed home. When Sebastian mentioned that Stefanie was going to drive to the track on Saturday to watch the race, Hanna asked if she could come with her.

Stefanie was five years older than Hanna. When Sebastian was little, she often accompanied him to the races. Their mom was busy with tiny Fabian, so Stefanie was taking care of Sebastian and his racing suit while _Herr_ Norbert kept an eye on the racing car.

The Golf pulled up, tyres screeching. “Hey! I was sure it was one house further down the street,” Stefanie said through the rolled down window. “Hop in!”

Hanna got inside and tossed her backpack onto the backseat. Her belt was still unlocked when Stefanie pulled away, making a sharp turn. Hanna’s stomach lurched.

“My dad’s trying to get a pass for you. If he doesn’t succeed, I can give you mine.”

“That’s really nice of you.” Hanna attempted a smile. “When did you get your driver’s license?”

“Two years ago. Don’t worry. I have the right gene, same as Sebi.”

“I’m not worried.” Hanna shoved a hand down her pocket. _Calm down, you’re not going to vomit, because your stomach is empty._

When Stefanie was busy on the roundabout, Hanna slipped two more pills into her mouth. As she was struggling to swallow them down, they started to dissolve.

“Can I have a sip?” she asked, noticing a bottle of water next to her leg.

“Sure.”

Hanna took a few gulps, trying to get rid of the disgusting taste in her mouth.

Stefanie braked hard when the light turned red. “Sebastian knows you’ll be watching. He’ll probably want to show off a little.”

Hanna lifted a hand to cover her mouth. A discreet burp made her feel better. “I hope he won’t feel nervous because of me,” she said, her head dropping back against the headrest as the Golf started accelerating.

“He already won the title so there’s nothing to feel nervous about.”

Driving on the motorway was sufferable. Also, the pills finally kicked in and Hanna yawned.

“Rough night?”

“No, the motion sickness medication makes me sleepy.”

“Oh, you should’ve told me…” Stefanie slowed down immediately.

“It’s okay,” Hanna assured, closing her eyes. She was already tired of explaining to people that speed wasn’t the problem.

Stefanie turned the radio on. “I love this song!”

Hanna smiled drowsily when Sebastian’s sister started singing. He had the same tendency.

“But it’s just the price I pay

Destiny is calling me

Open up my eager eyes

‘Cause I’m Mr Brightside!”

 

*

 

“Hanna? Wake up!”

Someone was shaking her shoulder. Hanna opened her eyes, but her eyelids were too heavy. “Where are we?”

“At the race track. We need to get you a ticket.”

Hanna tried to move, but her body felt like jelly.

“How many pills did you take?”

“Three…”

“Crap,” Stefanie groaned. “Don’t move. I’ll go and find dad.”

“Not moving…” Hanna was more than happy to go back to sleep.

 

*

 

“Hanna? Hanna!”

_Jesus Christ… why does everyone want something from me?_

“We have to go. The race is almost starting.” Sebastian’s dad was staring at her with concern. “Here’s some coffee for you.”

“I don’t drink coffee…”

“Sip a bit; it’ll bring you around.”

The coffee gave Hanna enough energy to get out of the car, but she still couldn’t walk without help. “What happened?”

“Don’t worry. It’ll pass. Now, hang on to me. We really have to go if we want to see the start.”

Norbert led her cautiously through the crowd. A song was coming from loudspeakers, but the only word she could make out was ‘ _gasolina’_. Feeling nauseous again, she forced herself to take another sip of coffee.

“We’re almost there,” Norbert said.

“I’m so sorry…” she said, embarrassed, but he didn’t seem to hear her.

“Just in time!” _Frau_ Vettel exclaimed.

All of a sudden the music stopped and a man started announcing the race.

Hanna plopped down onto her seat.

The people around them rose to see the starting grid, only Sebastian’s mom remaining next to her.

“Feeling better?” she asked.

“I need to rest my head a little.”

“Okay, just let me take that.” The woman took the cup out of her hand.

The moment Hanna propped her head against _Frau_ Vettel’s shoulder, she fell asleep again.

 

*

 

The noise was gone. She felt her backpack under her head. Only a few people remained on the stand, checking photos or eating hotdogs.

“He won.”

Hanna turned her head just to see Sebastian’s mom and Fabian in her lap. The boy was chewing something and waving a small flag.

“I slept through the entire show?” Hanna sat up slowly and fixed her hair. “That’s… awful.”

“Don’t worry. It happened to Fabian once or twice,” _Frau_ Vettel smiled, patting her shoulder.

“What should I do if Sebastian asks about the race?”

“Tell him the truth. He can handle it.”

Hanna looked down at her knees. “Of course…” He was probably thinking about her while crossing the finish line. And she was asleep.

 

*

 

The camper was parked in a restricted area near the track. Since there was another race the next day, Sebastian was still busy with his team, but he found a moment to sneak out and join his family for a celebratory meal.

Hanna waited for him outside, impatient but also worried.

The moment Sebastian appeared in the distance on his scooter, Fabian ran to meet him.

“Do you want me to run you over?” Sebastian glowered at him, but when his little brother extended his arms, he grinned, his braces flashing in the sunlight.

“You’re the champ!” Fabian shrieked.

“Yeah, I’m the champ!” Sebastian picked him up and started spinning around.

When Fabian was almost screaming for joy, he finally stopped and hugged him.

“Hurry up. Mum has cake!” Fabian wiggled out of his embrace.

“You go ahead. Just leave a piece for the champ!” Watching Fabian run back to the camper, Sebastian finally spotted Hanna.

“You okay?” he asked, making a few steps to her.

“I’m so sorry…”

“Congratulations is what people usually say,” Sebastian said, taking her hands in his. “I heard you overdosed-“ He trailed off, wiping a tear off her cheek. “Why are you crying? Hey, cupcake, look at me.” He tilted her head up and kissed her lightly. “It’s okay. My sister’s driving like a madman. Even I get sick in the car with her.”

“I’m the worst girlfriend ever…” Hanna sobbed, burying her face in his shoulder.

“You need someone to take care of you… And I want to be that person,” he said, wrapping his arms around her. “You’ll have plenty occasions to see me race in the future. Maybe not with my lucky braces… but still.”

Hanna smiled. “I missed you since Thursday,” she said, looking up.

“I missed you too.” His gaze fell on her lips, so she looked at his…

“Hey, lovebirds. The cake is melting!” _Herr_ Norbert shouted out of the window.

Hanna looked down, her cheeks burning. Sebastian stole a kiss from her anyway before they went to join his family.

 

*

 

“Have a nice evening.” Hanna got out of Stefanie’s car and dashed home.

Without taking her shoes off she ran to the toilet and threw up the cake and everything else she’d eaten that day.

 

*

 

She told her parents everything that had happened since she had left.

“You seem to tolerate your dad’s driving style much better,” her mom said.

“Stefanie was cautious on the way back, but I had no pills left…” Hanna said before taking a bite of bread with marmalade. “I was so looking forward to seeing Sebastian in his car and on the podium. _Herr_ Norbert even got me a paddock pass, but I was too sleepy to go anywhere.”

“At least you got to spend a while with Sebastian after the race.”

“Yeah… that was nice…” Hanna took another bite; it tasted like paper, but she had to eat something.

“There’s another race tomorrow, isn’t it?” her dad asked, putting his tea cup down. “Maybe we should go to Hockenheim together? It would make a nice family trip.”

Hanna turned to her mom.

“I would love to see Sebastian race.”

“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” Hanna exclaimed, darting from her seat to hug her parents.

 

*

_October 3, 2004_

After a short stroll by the _Hockenheimring_ Hanna was nausea-free and ready to enjoy the show.

Since it was still early, her dad managed to get great tickets close to the podium.

As the race start was getting nearer, Hanna started getting anxious. She tried to calm herself down by reasoning that Sebastian was most likely to win unless something went really wrong.

_But what if something terrible happens?_

“Which car is his?” her mom asked loudly.

“The white and blue one, with Red Bull written on the side.”

“Ah, I see it.”

From that moment on Hanna didn’t take her eyes off Sebastian. The starting line was far away from where she was sat, but squinting and standing on her tiptoes she could see Sebastian’s helmet and imagine the tangled hair underneath.

He was leading from the start to the chequered flag. People were cheering when he approached. A true champion. Born to win.

Hanna never felt prouder in her life. Especially when Sebastian was driving a victory lap and her parents were glancing at her with admiration. Finally, they could see with their own eyes that racing wasn’t just Sebastian’s hobby; it was his destiny.

Sebastian finally stopped and got out of his car. He tore his helmet off and ran to hug his team and shake their hands, then waved to the fans. The racing suit looked very flattering on him.

_He really is a star,_ Hanna realized. _My star_.

He looked so happy lifting up the biggest trophy on the podium. His happiness had nothing to do with her, still Hanna watched him with tears of joy in her eyes.

_No, he’s not mine. He belongs here._

Something in her heart went still; dark, scary thoughts were trying to ruin the moment.

She started to wonder if there was a thing in her life, a dream, a hobby, anything that would mean as much as racing meant to him. But there was nothing more precious than him. Nothing that would move her heart more than he did.

The drivers grabbed the bottles and started spraying each other.

“Is that real champagne?” her mom asked.

“He’s not going to die from it…” her dad said under his breath before turning to her. “Don’t you want to use your pass and try to get to him?”

Hanna felt the usual anxiety kick in. “I don’t even know where the entrance to the paddock is…”

“But I know. Let’s go.”

 

*

 

“Do you have your phone?” her dad checked when they reached their destination.

“Always.” She leaned forward to kiss his cheek. “Thanks, dad. You’re the best.”

After showing her pass to the security guard, she entered the paddock area and headed toward the biggest crowd she could see. When she got a bit closer, she spotted men with TV cameras on their shoulders and women with microphones. Swiftly she steered away.

Nobody knew who she was and she preferred to keep it that way.

Hoping that it was Sebastian the reporters were going to interview, she watched them from afar.

Soon some girls joined her, probably taking her for a fan.

“Hanna! What are you doing here?” _Herr_ Norbert grabbed her arm.

“It was supposed to be a surprise…”

“It is! Let’s get you somewhere more private.”

He led her between multi-coloured tents until they reached the one that belonged to Sebastian’s team: Mücke Motorsport. The rest of Sebastian’s family was already inside, next to the winning car.

“Hanna! You’re here again!” Stefanie stepped up to greet her. “Does Sebi know?”

“I don’t think so.”

“You should wait for him in his changing room. Come on. I’ll show you the way.”

A while later Hanna found herself alone, surrounded by Sebastian’s clothes and dirty towels. His helmet was on the floor with the podium bottle next to it, a bit of champagne left at the bottom.

She heard loud cheers and laughter. Someone was taking photos with a flash.

“Can we take a family photo?”

“Wait, I’ll bring the champagne. It’ll look good next to the trophy,” Sebastian said.

“Stay here! I’ll get it.” Stefanie saved the day. She took the bottle, winked at Hanna and went back to the main compartment.

Another series of flashes. “Okay, that’s enough. Let him change,” a man’s voice said.

Hanna heard people shuffle out. Someone was approaching.

Sebastian pushed the flap at the entrance aside. “Hanna!”

An uncontrollable grin appeared on her face. “Hi…”

“Did you see the race?”

“Yes… I’m so proud of you,” she said, her throat closing up.

His racing suit was sticky and wet and smelled of alcohol, but she didn’t mind a hug.

“I was thinking about you on the podium!”

“You were?” She looked up into his happy eyes.

“I love racing, but I’m also glad the season’s over. I will finally have more time for you!” he explained.

“Sounds awesome,” she grinned again.

“You look extremely cute today,” he said before pecking her lips.

“And you look hot,” she giggled.

“Do I? Or are you just making fun of me?”

“You do!”

“Then why are you laughing?”

“Because I’m happy.”

His face suddenly serious, he cupped her jaw and pressed their lips together, pulled away and kissed her again and again, lips closed, but her body was melting anyway.

“You’re awesome for not flinching,” he said, stepping away.

Hanna cleared her throat. “Why would I flinch?”

“Because I stink. I need to get out of this suit.”

“Do you need me to-“

“No, stay. But better close your eyes if you don’t want to have nightmares.”

“Stop.”

His white undershirt was so wet it was almost transparent. “That was a fun race…” he said, pulling it over his head. His chest was smooth, more muscled than Hanna remembered. “Well… it was a fun season. Eighteen wins out of twenty.” He pulled the racing suit down, exposing his flat belly and a dark trail of hair under his belly button.

Hanna looked away.

“Would you hand me my sweat pants?”

“Here you go.” She looked at his face to avoid looking at his body.

“How did you get here?”

“With my parents and my brother. They enjoyed the race a lot.”

“That’s nice. We should all meet in the camper. Tell my dad, he’ll get them through security.”

 

*

 

Their parents already knew each other, but it was the first time they met since Hanna and Sebastian started dating. Their dads seemed to enjoy the fact that they had the same first name. Fabian was making Timmy burst out with laughter by putting Sebastian’s helmet on and pretending to be blind. Hanna’s mom praised Sebastian while Sebastian’s mom praised Hanna. It was one of the best days in Hanna’s life.

Her parents and brother went back to Heppenheim and took Stefanie with them while Hanna stayed in the camper.

Some people visited Sebastian, congratulating him and asking about his plans. It was already getting dark when _Herr_ Norbert told them to buckle up. _Frau_ Heike and Fabian sat next to him while Sebastian and Hanna had the second row all to themselves.

Sebastian grasped Hanna’s hand the second his dad pulled away. “Have you taken the medicine?”

“Yes.” After everything that had happened that day, he still remembered about her condition. She shyly caressed the inside of his palm, hearing a subtle change in his breathing.

“I’m glad you came,” he said and moved his fingers to stroke her skin as well. “Sorry that I couldn’t show you the car. There were too many people watching…”

“I understand,” she said, shivering with the slightest movement of his fingertips.


	12. Perfect couple [2005]

_2004, New Year’s Eve_

 

Hanna checked herself in the mirror.  _Darn,_ _I’m awful at this…_

She grabbed a cotton pad and started removing her makeup.

She had eaten too much chocolate around Christmas and now her face was infested with blemishes. She wanted to cover it with a bit of makeup, but struggled to put it on correctly.

_Calm down, Hanna. Take care of your eyelashes... now, a bit of powder._

She sneezed and smeared mascara over her eyelid.

“Mom!” There was no other choice but to ask for help.

“Does Sebastian like it when your face is all… plastered?” her mom asked.

“He never complained.” _He likes the taste of my lipstick_.

“Look up.” Mom fixed the mascara and studied her with a doubtful frown. “Your eyes are red…”

“Okay! I look like a disaster!” Hanna lashed out. “I feel like a disaster too!" She grabbed her purse and stormed out of the bathroom.

 

*

 

“Nice shoes,” her dad commented after she took the passenger seat.

“I have the right ones in the bag. I didn’t want to wear them in the snow.”

“I know. Can I see them?”

She took a red stiletto out.

“Nice. I hope your feet won’t hurt though. Does Sebastian like to dance?”

“He does. And I can always take them off.”

 

*

 

“Have fun, sweetheart,” her dad said after walking her to the door.

“You have fun too.”

Right as they air-kissed, the door opened. “ _Guten Abend_ , Norbert!”

“ _Abend_ , Norbert!” Sebastian’s dad chuckled. “You sure you and Sarah don’t want to join? Our house is hardly a mansion, but you’re a slim guy.”

 _No, he isn’t…_ Hanna thought with amusement.

“Timmy caught a cold and I don’t want to leave my wife alone. But maybe next year.”

“Okay, say hi to Sarah and your little boy.”

“I will. Thank you. And Happy New Year!”

Hanna took off the winter boots and put the stilettos on. It was weird that Sebastian hadn’t showed up yet. She shrugged off her coat and checked herself in the mirror. The light at the Vettels’ was more forgiving. The red lipstick looked sultry. She wondered how many times she would have to put it on again before midnight.

 _The kiss at midnight is special_ , she thought. _Maybe it’ll taste better without lipstick?_

Sebastian’s mom showed up to greet her. “Sebi’s still in his room” she said, kissing Hanna’s cheeks. “Go and find him. He might need help with the tie.”

Hanna smiled; ties were her specialty, she learned the knots in London.

“Join us in the living room when you’re ready.”

“Okay.”

Someone turned the music on – _Deutscher Schlager_ that made Hanna think of her childhood.

“Come on, dad!” Melanie protested loudly.

“It’s my house.”

Hanna grinned to herself, but when she stopped in front of Sebastian’s door, she got serious. Her heart was like a puppy… always aware of its master.

She knocked.

“Come in!”

She turned the doorknob.

Sebastian was wearing a suit! The trousers were a tad too long, but other than that his backside was outlined gorgeously.

“Hello, sir,” she chirped, excited to see his reaction to her red dress.

He turned… “Wow!” There was a cardboard mask of Orlando Bloom on his face.

“Oh… I was hoping to meet my boyfriend here…”

“I’m better than your boyfriend!”

“Not really.”

Sebastian chuckled. “I thought all girls liked Orlando ‘the handsome Elf’ Bloom.”

“I prefer Elijah Wood.”

“A hobbit? Is it because you like small boys?”

“No. It’s because I like boys with huge eyes.”

Finally, he shut up. She stepped up and grasped his hand.

“You look so hot…”

“Come on. Take it off already.” She reached up, but he shied away.

“No, let’s keep it. I can print a hobbit mask, if you don’t like this one.”

“I want my boyfriend.”

“He wants you too.” He freed his hand from her grasp and approached the closet. “I need a tie.”

“What is going on, Sebastian?”

He pulled out a black tie, threw it around his neck and tried to knot it. It didn’t look like he knew what he was doing.

“I’ll help you if you take the mask off.”

“You’re so pretty.”

“Don’t try to distract me.”

His shoulders dropped. “Okay… just consider yourself warned. It’s not a pleasant sight.”

Hanna frowned. _Was he hurt?_

He lifted the mask.

“Oh…” she grimaced. The right side of his bottom lip was covered in blisters.

“It happens once or twice a year…” he said, turning away. “I used Zovirax the second I felt the itch, but it still spread. I think I have it under control, but it’s contagious, so… we can’t kiss and you should wash your hands if you touch my face.”

She stepped up to rub his back. “I’m really sorry.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“You’re so silly sometimes, you know? Did you intend to keep the mask on all night long?” She faced him, an affectionate smile on her face. “It’s okay. You’re still handsome.”

“We were supposed to kiss at midnight,” he complained, staring at his shoes.

“Well… I can still kiss you, just not on the mouth.”

He looked up. “Where do you want to kiss me then?”

“Don’t know yet,” she said, reaching up to knot his tie. “I have the rest of the year to think about it.”

 

*

 

“What a perfect couple!” _Frau_ Vettel exclaimed when Seb and Hanna joined the rest of the family.

Sebastian introduced Hanna to Melanie’s boyfriend.

“Where’s Stefanie?” she asked after they took their seats at the table.

“Out with her boyfriend. Probably wants to have some drinks without mom and dad looking over her shoulder…” Sebastian replied quietly.

"Who wants to have drinks?" His dad furrowed his brows. “You can drink champagne at midnight, but that’s it. Wait until you’re eighteen.”

 

*

 

Sebastian’s parents were the first to dance.

“Your mom is taller,” Hanna noticed, watching them with a happy grin.

“Yeah… thank God I got my height from her. My dad’s a dwarf.”

“He’s great.” Feeling Sebastian’s stare, she turned to him.

He opened his mouth, but didn’t say anything. His eyes were filled with such fondness… love, even.

Was it ‘I love you’ he wanted to say? What made him keep quiet?

Hanna recalled grandpa Rupert’s words: 'I love you' is not like saying 'I’m hungry', because it’s not just something you feel, but most of all something you do.

“Want to dance?” Sebastian asked.

Hanna blinked confusedly. “Okay…” The second she rose, she felt an all-too-familiar pain in her belly. “Or not…”

“What’s going on?”

“I need to use the bathroom.”

Walking as stiffly as she could, she reached the bathroom and locked the door.

Sat on the toilet, she pulled her panties down just to spot a small red stain on the fabric.  _A week too soon!_

_Where’s my purse?_

“Are you sick?” Sebastian asked through the door.

“No, it’s… something else. I just need a moment.”

Since he didn’t add anything, she could only hope he went back to the living room.

She opened the bathroom cabinet and sighed with relief; an entire compartment was filled with tampons and pads – enough supply for the three women living in the house.

After putting a tampon in, she spent a while trying to get rid of the stain on her panties. Feeling a sudden cramp, she winced, her mouth open in a soundless scream. Breathing in short gasps, she waited for the pain to go away.

She inspected the entire bathroom for painkillers, but found none.

Putting a brave face on, she unlocked the door just when another cramp twisted her insides.

Sebastian dashed to her. “You okay?”

“Could you bring me some pills for the pain?”

“Sure. Go lie down in my room.”

“Good idea.” Moving or even breathing was making the cramps worse. When she finally reached Sebastian’s room, she had tears in her eyes; all she could do was huddle on the bed clutching her stomach.

Sebastian reappeared with a glass of water and painkillers. “I’m so sorry,” he said, watching her swallow and wash down the pills. “Is there anything I can do?”

 _He knows_ , she realized, reaching to her shoe.

“Don’t move…” he took it gently off, then the other. “Let me get you a blanket.”

Hanna rested on her side. The pillow smelled of its owner.

Sebastian covered her lower body. “Do you want me to make you a hot compress?”

“It won’t work,” she complained, a tear sliding down her cheek. “Would you lie next to me?”

He hesitated. “I’d love to, but… the virus…”

“Okay… if you don’t want to…”

“I do! I just don’t want you to suffer because of me.”

“I already feel like crap…”

“Alright then.”

As soon as he rested next to her, she cuddled up to him.

“Is it always that painful?” he asked, putting a hand on her ribs. A very warm hand.

“It is, but the painkillers should help.”  _This compress might actually work_ , she thought and pushed his hand lower… right where it hurt.

His breathing changed. Hanna remained quiet and just listened, wondering what was going through his mind.

As she shifted to look at him, he covered his mouth with a hand. “Virus alert!”

Hanna laughed. “Aren’t we a perfect couple?”

Sebastian smiled as well. “Just as my mom said.”

 

*

 

 _Frau_ Vettel brought them two cups of ice cream with fruit and melted chocolate. By the time they finished eating, Hanna was feeling much better.

They went back to the living room and watched old family videos.

Hanna didn’t feel like going crazy on the dancefloor, but she had nothing against watching her boyfriend’s moves. He seemed to have a whole performance worked out with his mom.

Since both Hanna and Seb were very cuddly, slow dancing was perfect for them. It began shyly - Sebastian held Hanna’s hand pressed to his chest, the other resting right above her hip.

“I love this part…” he whispered.

“What part?”

“The spot where your waist gets really narrow and the hip bone begins.”

“Don’t squeeze it; I’m very ticklish there.”

“What about your hips? Can I squeeze them?”

“Not when your dad’s watching.”

 

*

 

“Three, two, one… Happy New Year!”

 _Herr_ Norbert popped the champagne open and started filling the glasses.

Sebastian opened his arms to Hanna. “What a shame…” he said, glancing at her lips.

“Not really,” she slipped into his embrace.

As her lips brushed his neck, he gasped. All the sounds faded away and there was only his delicate skin and her lips and all the love and gratefulness she could express through them.

When he fidgeted, she leaned away.

“Your champagne,” _Herr_ Norbert handed them their glasses.

“Now I want to kiss you even more,” Sebastian whispered, his cheeks red.

“Then do it.”

He studied her for a while before leaning to her.

“For goodness’ sake, Sebastian. Don’t kiss her with that thing on your lip!” _Frau_ Vettel intervened. “Better give your mom a hug.”

 

*

 

They did it before Hanna went home; it was a very light kiss.

“Thank you,” Sebastian said, his face serious.

“Thank you too,” she replied. It wasn’t what she wanted to say.

A few hours later, when she woke up in her bed, there was a message on her phone.

“I can’t believe you weren’t grossed out by my lip.”

She remembered how sick she had felt when Kai had kissed her, though his lips hadn’t been blistered at all.

 _It’s because I love you_ , she thought.

 

*

                                                                                                                                                  

_January 7, 2005_

As soon as Hanna spotted the navy blue Golf, she put her coat on, wrapped a scarf around her neck and left the house.

But there was only one person in the car and it wasn’t the owner.

“Ready to break the law?” Sebastian grinned at her through the rolled-down window.

“You’re alone?!”

“I have a license.”

“But you’re not allowed to have passengers yet.”

“We’re so going to get arrested!” He rolled his eyes. “Please, get in. I really want you to be the first person to see me without the braces.”

Hanna frowned. She knew how much her presence meant to him.

“I’m a far better driver than Stefanie,” he added.

“You better be, because I didn’t take any pills.” _You were supposed to be my pill_ , she thought, picturing them cuddling in the back seat.

Filled with worries, she opened the door and got inside.

“It’s only a twelve-minute drive,” he said calmly. “Ready?”

Seatbelt fastened, Hanna took a deep breath in and slowly let it out. “Yes.”

Sebastian pulled away carefully.

Hanna kept her eyes on the road, waiting for the first wave of nausea.

“So… it’s your birthday in two days. Any particular plans?”

“There will be a party for the family. Consider yourself invited if you don’t mind old people.”

“I like old people. We have the same sense of humour.”

Hanna risked a glance; he was staring ahead, a confident smirk on his lips. He seemed to be in his element, his grip on the steering wheel delicate, his gear changes smooth, almost undetectable.

“I think we should have a private party next week,” he suggested. The light far ahead turned red so he started slowing down until the car stopped. “Why are you so quiet?”

“A private party sounds lovely.”

 _I’m not sick_ , she realized after he turned left, then right, drove through a roundabout and stopped to give way to pedestrians.

 _Maybe it’s a matter of time?_ she wondered, almost wishing for more turns and braking to make sure.

“We’re almost there.”

Hanna felt tears coming to her eyes. “Go around the block.”

“What?”

“Just drive a while longer. Don’t park yet.”

Sebastian frowned. “Are you okay? Why are you crying?”

“Drive.”

His driving wasn’t as relaxed as before, but five minutes later when he stopped the car, she was still feeling well.

He turned the engine off. “What's going on?”

Her vision blurry, she looked into his eyes. “I love you.” Her voice cracked and fresh tears streamed down her cheeks.

His eyes went wide with surprise. “I love you too…” He put an arm around her. “But… why now?”

She undid her seatbelt and buried her face in his shoulder. “I’m not sick!”

“That’s great…”

“You don’t understand. I get a little sick even with my dad behind the wheel. And he’s the best driver I know.”

He smiled with pride. “Not anymore.”

“It’s a sign from Heaven. You’re my driver and I don’t want any other man to drive me… God, what am I saying?”

“To be fair, it was a relatively short drive-“

“Stop,” she pressed a finger to his lips. “I really love you,” she whispered.

“I really love you too," he replied, his voice thick. "I hope you won’t change your mind when you see me without my lucky braces…”

She kissed him, chuckling before she realized he was already late for the appointment.

 

*

 

“There’s a nice café nearby. My dad used to wait there.”

“I’m coming with you,” Hanna said, taking her boyfriend by the hand.

The day was cold and windy, yet she felt so warm she could’ve taken her coat off and she’d still be fine.

“You’ll get bored waiting.”

“I have something to read for school.”

 

*

 

She wasn’t alone in the waiting room; an elderly man with thick glasses was sitting in the corner and reading a magazine. After Sebastian disappeared inside the orthodontist’s office, Hanna opened a textbook.

_He loves me… Of course he does. He loved me since I was a little girl. But it’s nice to hear him say it. Next time I hope he’ll say it first._

She imagined Sebastian whisper the words into her ear, his lips on her neck, his hands squeezing her hips…

The textbook fell on the floor. The elderly man glanced up from under his eyeglasses.

Blushing, Hanna picked the book up. She managed to read one page before she started daydreaming again.

 

*

 

He entered the waiting room, grinning in his usual way. Not a big boy any longer, but a young handsome man.

“Better or worse?”

“Perfect!” Hanna approached him, but he cleared his throat, throwing a glance at the elderly man. “Did it hurt?”

“No.” He licked his lips, grimacing. “My mouth tastes like the dentist’s…”

“Did you eat one?”

Laughing, he reached for his winter jacket.

They left the building holding hands. Neither of them spoke a word.

Back in the car Sebastian opened the glove compartment to fetch a can of soda and a pack of chewing gum. “I hope it works…” he said under his breath.

“We don’t have to drive home yet,” Hanna said, watching him take a huge gulp of coke.

He held it in his mouth for a moment before swallowing. “Where do you want to go then?” he asked, taking another gulp.

“I don’t mind staying in the car.”

Sebastian swallowed quickly. “Want me to drive us somewhere more private?”

Hanna nodded, helping herself to the gum. She passed it to Sebastian once he emptied the can.

Chewing, he started the engine and pulled away.

Hanna relaxed against the backrest to watch the sunset through the windscreen. For the first time in her life she was enjoying the drive. Especially after they left the town.

They stopped in a place very similar to where Kai had taken her at the first date. The memory of her first kiss made her wince… _Wrong person, wrong age._

Sebastian unfastened his seatbelt. “I need more gum.”

“The backseat will be more comfortable,” Hanna said, struggling to recognize her own voice.

“More comfortable for what?”

“You know what.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Then why are you blushing?”

“Okay… you got me.”

As soon as he turned to open the door, Hanna scrambled out of the car as well, spat the gum into the snow and grabbed the backdoor handle. She nearly choked herself with her scarf getting in. As if she wasn’t lightheaded enough…

They shifted closer to each other.

“Show me your pretty grin again,” Hanna said to break the silence.

“Later.”

As he leaned forward, she closed her eyes. Their lips brushed together lightly.

When Hanna pulled back, Sebastian’s fruity breath tickled her upper lip.

“I love you,” he whispered and kissed her again, but this time for real.

His mouth tasted of sugar and mint. But there was much more underneath… And she was enjoying it.

“That’s my new favourite thing…” he sighed, sucking on her upper lip so that she could taste his plump lower lip.

They lost all track of time kissing and touching. Out of the corner of her eye Hanna could see that it was getting dark.

She didn’t want it to end and it seemed like neither did he. But then his phone rang.

He cleared his throat. “Stefanie needs the car…”

Hanna blinked as if waking up from the nicest dream. “Yeah, it’s already late.”

“Can we take a short walk? I don’t want to drive in this state…”

“Okay.”

The kiss of the cold wind on her cheeks cleared Hanna’s head. “So… how about we have our private party tomorrow?” she asked, grasping Sebastian’s hand.

“Sounds great. When and where?”

“Four in the afternoon. My room. My bed to be exact.”

He lifted his eyebrows. “What about your parents?”

“We’ll have more or less an hour before they get back from shopping.”

His eyes lingered on her lips. “I can’t wait.”


	13. Dads

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to write without my proofreader's help, so my apologies if there are some errors, typos or unclear bits (Irene was great at taking care of those). If you have any questions, suggestion, ideas, feel free to contact me on my blog.

_January, 2005_

“It’s so cosy in here.” _Frau_ Vettel paused in the middle of the great room, holding Fabian’s hand in one hand and her travel bag in the other.

“Too chilly at the moment,” Hanna’s mom said. “Would you build a fire in the fireplace?” she asked her husband. “I’ll take our guests upstairs.”

“It will be tight,” Hanna’s dad noticed, holding the main door ajar while Sebastian’s dad squeezed through with a huge travel bag.

Sebastian followed him, carrying three suitcases. He was wincing under their burden until he noticed Hanna’s stare. “What should I get next?”

“You can take what you’re carrying upstairs,” she said.

“No problem.”

“Come on, don’t be silly. Give me one,” she approached him.

“No, I can handle it!”

“I said give me one!” She snatched the smallest suitcase from his hand and rushed to the stairs.

Sebastian ran after her.

“Thank you, sweetheart.” _Frau_ Vettel smiled at Hanna; looked like the small suitcase belonged to her.

“Sebastian will stay with the boys,” Hanna’s mom informed. “You can unpack if you want. I’ll be downstairs, in the kitchen.”

“Where’s my room?” Sebastian asked.

“Come, I’ll show you.” Hanna left the room and approached the next door.

“Is there a place where we could… talk privately?” Sebastian whispered.

“We can talk everywhere.”

“You know what I mean.”

“Why can’t you just say it?”

“Because someone might hear.” Sebastian entered the room and put the suitcases down. “I like this winter house of yours. Do you come here often?”

“Almost every winter if the weather’s good for skiing. It’s not really our property; we’re just renting it.”

Sebastian approached the window overlooking the Schwarzwald mountains. It was very cold outside, the snow sparkling so much it was hard to look at it.

“Do you like the view?” Hanna stepped closer to the boy.

“You look pretty when your cheeks get red in the cold air.” He lifted a hand and touched her face.

“How do you know it’s from cold air?”

“From what then?”

“You know what…”

Sebastian smirked. “Why can’t you just say it?”

Hanna rolled her eyes. “Kiss me already.”

Sebastian loved to argue, but he loved kissing even more, so he cupped Hanna’s face.

She licked her lips and saw him do the same before he leaned in…

“The bed by the window is mine!” Fabian ran into the room.

Hanna’s brother followed, looking around. Both boys completely ignored their older siblings.

“This one’s mine!” Timmy exclaimed, jumping on the other bed.

Hanna sighed, stepping away from Sebastian. “Looks like you’re sleeping on the floor.”

 

*

 

Turned out that Sebastian was really going to sleep on the floor. Luckily, not on the bare floor. Hanna’s dad was preparing an air mattress for him.

“So, when are we going skiing?” Sebastian asked after they unpacked and met in the great room.

“Let’s go for a walk,” Hanna’s dad proposed. “I’ll show you the neighbourhood.”

“Sebastian has to train, dad,” Hanna said. “I can take him to the ski slope.”

“As you wish, but don’t be late for supper.”

Sebastian looked at Hanna with a grateful smile.

“Go and change,” she said to him. “We’ll meet up outside.”

 

*

 

It took her a while to get ready. Finally, she zipped her ski suit up, put a beanie on and left the house.

“I’m sorry you had to-” He wasn’t there! She looked around and spotted fresh boot prints in the snow.

As she followed the trail, she found him close to the fence chatting with a pair of girls.

_Should I go to him or not?_

“I do my best, but sometimes it’s more like rolling,” she heard him say.

The girls laughed loudly.

Hanna cleared her throat, making the boy turn his head.

“Hey, it’s my girlfriend. The ladies were just asking how to get to the ski lift.”

“Follow the signs. Like the one right behind you.”

The girls exchanged unimpressed looks and hurried away.

“Have a good skiing!” Sebastian shouted after them, but they didn’t even turn, so he shrugged his shoulders and headed back to where Hanna was waiting.

“Are you always that helpful?”

“I’m doing my best.”

Hanna turned around.

“Wait… are you… did I do something wrong? We were just talking.”

“I know.”

“I can talk to people, can I?” He finally caught up with her and extended his hand. “I’m sorry if I made you feel bad.”

“It’s okay. You can be yourself. I won’t be jealous.”

“Is that a fact or an intention?”

Hanna hesitated. “An intention,” she admitted, taking his hand.

Sebastian looked at her with fondness. “There’s an abyss between you and other girls… I don’t even know how to explain it. I’m trying to be nice to everyone because I know how much it means to other people. You were nice to me when we were kids and it made me believe in myself.”

“It’s not the same. We’re not kids anymore. And sometimes being nice looks a lot like flirting.”

“But I wasn’t winking… or smiling in a suggestive way.”

“Is that how you flirt?”

“I don’t have a clue…”

Hanna smiled. “We’ll talk later. Let’s hurry up now. We need to be back for supper.”

“But we should discuss this flirting thing,” he insisted. “To be sure we’re on the same page, okay?”

“Okay.”

 

*

 

Sebastian was great at skiing, but Hanna wasn’t much worse. She needed more time to get in the groove, but after a while she felt ready to challenge him.

“Wanna race?” she asked when they reached the top of the hill. “Who touches that lamp post first, wins.”

“What lamp post?”

“That one over there,” she pointed with a ski pole.

It was slowly getting dark, but the lamp was easy to spot.

“What’s the prize?”

“If you win I will fulfil your three wishes.”

Sebastian’s eyes sparkled. “Sounds great!”

“On three. One… two…”

“But wait…”

“Three!” She skied away, well aware what he wanted to say. There was a group of kids on the slope, taking ski lessons. Hanna took a longer route to avoid them, Sebastian didn’t, and now he was slaloming between them, trying not to make anyone trip.

There were no obstacles in Hanna’s way; the lamp was getting close.

She glanced over her shoulder - Sebastian was helping some kid up from the snow.

It felt wrong to use his goodness against him.

 _I’m not touching the post_ , she decided, but when she looked ahead her goal turned out way closer than she expected.

It was too late to steer clear and Hanna slid straight at the post, hitting her head. She fell on the snow, blinded by pain.

“Hanna! You okay?!” Sebastian’s voice was coming from afar as if she was at the bottom of a well.

People were staring at her. What a klutz… There was so much space around, yet she had to hit the post!

Trying to blink the tears away, she saw Sebastian’s face – he was pale with fright.

“I’m okay, I just…”

“Don’t move! Help’s on the way.”

 

*

 

„You can’t fall asleep,” her dad said, when they were driving back from the ER.

“Why?”

“You’re not allowed to sleep after a concussion.”

“It’s just a myth,” Sebastian argued. “Before the CAT scanning was invented, you had to observe the patient to make sure he had no internal bleeding. That’s why he couldn’t sleep.”

“Besides, thanks to science we know as a fact that I don’t have a concussion,” Hanna added.

“For now… That doctor seemed very distracted,” her dad grunted. “Try not to fall asleep just to be on the safe side.”

Hanna rested her head on Sebastian’s shoulder. “The painkillers are making me dizzy.”

“Would you keep her awake, Sebastian?” her dad glanced at the boy. “Can I count on you?”

“Of course.” The moment her dad looked away, Sebastian rolled his eyes.

 _Yeah, I know_ , Hanna thought. _Dads._

 

*

 

Both families made it a matter of honour to keep Hanna awake. They ate supper and stayed in the great room, in front of the fireplace.

Hanna had no appetite. She was tired and the painkillers started to wear off.

“It’s a miracle that you didn’t break anything,” Hanna’s mom said. “I heard you hit the post at high speed.”

Hanna glowered at Sebastian.

“I didn’t say that.”

She turned to her dad.

“There would’ve been enough time to avoid collision if you were skiing slowly.” Her dad was great, but he had a tendency to make stories up if they seemed realistic.

“I wasn’t going fast; I was looking the wrong way. It still hurt. My shoulder is covered in bruises.”

“Let me see!” Timmy asked.

Hanna pulled the fabric of her sweater. She noticed Sebastian frown.

“I can’t see much…” Timmy complained.

“Well, I’m not going to undress.”

“Don’t you think the boys should go to bed?” _Frau_ Vettel asked the other mom. “I’ll walk them to their room.”

“And I will tidy up a bit,” Hanna’s mom decided.

A while later Hanna was sitting alone with Sebastian and the two Norberts who were sipping mulled wine.

“I told her not to fall asleep,” Hanna’s dad said.

“Good, good. A wise thing to do after a blow to the head.”

Hearing his dad’s words, Sebastian shook his head with disappointment.

“Hanna’s a tough lady, but it’s better to be safe than sorry. You two should stay here. Watch a film or two,” Hanna’s dad continued. “I asked your son to keep an eye on my daughter.”

“Good, good…” Judging by _Herr_ Vettel’s replies, Hanna wasn’t the only sleepy person in the room.

“Care for another drink, Norbi?”

“No, thanks… Norbi. I think I’ll go and get some sleep. I like going to bed early and waking up early.”

“Ah! Same as me! We’ll talk tomorrow. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

It was really cute that their dads were getting along. If only they didn’t decide to be stubborn and misinformed together.

“I hope you don’t mind me putting this task on your shoulders, Sebastian, but I’m sure Hanna will be more happy to spend this sleepless night with you,” Hanna’s dad said. “I can feel the stress leaving me at last… I was worried about you, honey.”

“I’m fine. Just a bit bruised,” she said. To her dismay, he poured himself another glass of wine.

“If you’re not leaving yet, I’ll go and grab a shower,” Sebastian said.

“Be my guest, though I doubt you’ll find a free bathroom.”

 

*

 

Sebastian had to wait an hour to use the bathroom upstairs.

Hanna’s dad took a short trip to the kitchen and returned with a plate of leftovers. “Don’t sleep!”

“Stop torturing me, dad. Didn’t you hear what Sebastian said? It’s just a myth. And even if it wasn’t, I don’t even have a concussion.”

“You’ll thank me later.”

She got so irritated, she wasn’t sleepy anymore. She felt a bit better when Sebastian returned, clad in plaid pyjamas.

“Hmm… there’s still a bit of wine left. You should drink it all. It won’t be any good tomorrow.”

Hanna glowered at the boy.

“You think so?” her dad poured the rest of the wine into his glass and took a big gulp. “I don’t want to get drunk.”

“I’m sure you know your limits,” Sebastian said politely.

“I do. I also know I’ll have to be careful while climbing the stairs.”

“I can assist.”

“You’re supposed to keep an eye on Hanna.”

“So… in your opinion, when can I finally fall asleep?” the girl asked.

“Twelve hours after the incident. That’ll be around four in the morning.” Her dad got up with a huff. “I’ll leave it here,” he put the glass on the table. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

Hanna and Sebastian watched him stagger to the stairs. He paused as if to catch a breath and then grabbed the handrail and started to climb.

“Congratulations for getting rid of him," Hanna said.

“Now that he drank the rest of the wine, I doubt he’ll feel like checking what we’re doing.”

“You mean if we’re awake…”

“If you really want to sleep, go ahead.”

“First, I need to take a shower.” As soon as she got up, she winced with pain.

“Careful…” Sebastian got up as well. “Last time I checked there was no hot water left.”

“Doesn’t matter.”

“And you don’t have your sleeping clothes.”

“I can go upstairs to get them.”

“I promised to keep an eye on you.”

“And I sweated while skiing. I was pushing really hard to beat you. And I did. I touched the post with my head. Which means that you have to fulfil my three wishes.”

Sebastian sighed. “Is letting you take a shower your first wish?”

“No… I’ll do it anyway.”

“I’ll be standing next to the door and keep asking if you’re okay.”

“Do you want to wake everybody up?”

“Do you have a better idea?”

Hanna narrowed her eyes. “You can stay in the bathroom with me. But you’ll be facing the door and you have to promise that you won’t peek.”

Sebastian’s eyes grew big with surprise.

“Did you hear me?”

“You’re not kidding…”

“I’m dead serious. Just promise not to look.”

“I won’t look. I promise.”

“Okay. And afterwards…” She took him by his arm and pulled him to the stairs. “After I take this cold shower, you’ll need to warm me up somehow.”

“Wow… that blow to the head must have been really strong.”

“Careful not to get a blow yourself.”

Sebastian opened his mouth, but then closed it and blushed.

Hanna quickly turned away, pretending not to see it.


	14. Three wishes

“Can I sit?” Sebastian asked, grabbing a stool.

“Yes, just don’t look.”

After he settled down, his face to the bathroom door, Hanna unbuttoned her cardigan and took it off.

_Would he see me in the mirror if he turns his head?_

She undid her bra. Everything she did seemed so loud.

Was he guessing what she was doing? Was he picturing it?

Wincing with pain from the ski accident, she pulled her trousers down together with her panties.

_Here I am. Naked. And he’s two steps away._

Her heart was beating fast.

_I better hurry._

She took her socks off, suddenly realizing how cold the air was. And if it wasn’t enough, she was about to pour cold water on herself.

“Guess what I’m thinking,” Sebastian whispered, making her froze for a moment.

“I have no idea.”

“I remembered my old camper. How you visited me after I flashed the whole school.”

Hanna felt a blush on her cheeks, but it wasn’t enough to warm her up. “I wonder what made you think about that…”

“Maybe the fact that you’re naked.”

“How do you know I’m naked?”

“You’re not?”

She stepped inside the shower cabin. “I wasn’t naked in the camper.”

“You partially were.”

“It was the craziest thing I have ever done,” she admitted, closing the door.

She was already trembling with cold even before she turned the water on. When it touched her skin, she barely kept herself from screaming.

Shaking and grimacing, she took the quickest shower of her life. There was still a bit of foam left on her ankles when she jumped out of the cabin, groping for a towel. “Oh my god… I’m freezing…”

“Already showered?” Sebastian sounded amused.

“Don’t laugh at me!”

“It was your idea.”

She hastily dried herself and grabbed her mom’s bathrobe. The fabric was so cold, it seemed wet. “Oh God… help…”

“You’re talking to me?”

“Yes. Please.”

Sebastian glanced over his shoulder. His gaze wandered down her body and paused on her bare feet. “Put the socks back on!”

She pouted. “That’s not what I expected from you.”

Sebastian smiled. “I know. I’m sorry. Sebi for the rescue, here he comes.” He rose and stepped up, opening his arms.

He was so amazingly warm and smelled nice.

“Better?” he asked, rubbing her back.

“Ask me later.” She wished he could wrap himself tightly around her like the bathrobe she had on.

“Let’s get back to the great room. It’ll be warmer next to the fireplace.”

Hanna broke the embrace. “One kiss for the road.”

“Okay.”

Their lips touched… Yes… she finally felt the heat spreading over her body.

 

*

 

“Your dad left half a glass of the mulled wine,” Sebastian noticed when they got back to the great room. “Take a sip. It’ll warm you up.”

“Only if you drink the rest.”

“Okay.”

The wine was cold and spicy. Hanna grimaced and handed the glass to Sebastian.

“Lie down. I’ll add wood to the fire.”

She sat on the sofa and took the slippers off. “Nice pyjamas, by the way,” she said, studying Sebastian’s hunched figure.

“Thank you. Very comfortable.”

“That’s good.”

For some reason she started thinking about underwear and soon enough she realized she wasn’t wearing any. She quickly fixed the bathrobe on her hips.

“Are we going to watch a movie?” she asked, spreading the blanket over her legs.

“If I remember correctly we were supposed to talk about flirting,” he said, stepping away from the fireplace.

“Oh… okay…”

“You don’t seem too excited.” He sat down and put an arm around her, while she covered their legs.

“Can I touch your nose?” he asked.

“Why?”

“I need to check something.”

“Okay…”

“Yep, just as I thought. It’s cold. We need to cuddle before we talk.”

“We can cuddle and talk.”

“Did I say cuddle? I meant kiss. We should kiss.”

“Are you sure you’ll be able to talk afterwards?”

Sebastian frowned. “You’re right. Let’s… just…”

“Hug me.” She rested her head on his shoulder. “That’s it. Nice and warm.”

He kissed her forehead. “I love you, honey-bunny.”

Hanna snorted. “Bunny sounds better than rabbit. Maybe I should fix my teeth too…”

“Why?”

“I have an overbite. Just like my dad.”

“What are you talking about? You’re perfect.”

Hanna smiled with gratitude. “You were already perfect before you fixed your teeth,” she said leaning away to look him in the eye. “Now you’re getting dangerously handsome and I can’t get my eyes off you.”

It was Sebastian’s turn to snort. “I’m not handsome.”

“Yes, you are. And you’re making me… melt inside.”

She glanced at his lips.

_We weren’t supposed to kiss, damn it!_

The taste of the mulled wine on his lips was better than the wine itself. And there was also his hand… his fingers on her neck, giving her the warm shower she needed.

“I love you, handsome…” she whispered, glancing in his eyes again. His pupils were huge.

They kissed again.

“Now I’m warm,” she admitted.

“Me too…” Sebastian fixed the blanket on his lap.

Hanna used the opportunity to grasp his hand. “So… let’s talk about flirting.”

He cleared his throat. “I only accepted the way I look after you found me attractive. I know it’s not my job to make girls feel pretty. I just don’t want them to feel ugly.”

“How do you know when they feel ugly?”

“Well… if I ignore them, they might.”

Hanna sighed. “Is that what you did by the fence? You went to chat with those girls because you didn’t want them to feel bad?”

“Yes. They needed help, I had nothing to do… so I approached them and we talked. I still get nervous around girls. And when I’m nervous I can’t stop talking. I can hear myself saying stupid things, but I can’t help it.”

“Why are you nervous?”

“Aren’t you nervous around guys?”

Hanna took a while to think. “I am. But it’s because I’m shy.”

“I’m shy too!”

“No, you’re not.”

“I’m good at hiding it.”

“Because you’re not.”

“Don’t argue… you little…” He made a move to tickle her, but she grabbed his wrists.

“Don’t even try. I hate tickling!”

“Okay. I’m at your mercy. Do whatever you want.”

Hanna studied him intently before she let go of his wrist. “You’re such a good person,” she said. “I hope no girl will ever take advantage of you.”

“I can take care of myself, honey-bunny. How’s your shoulder?”

Hanna forgot about other girls and worries. He was with her, after all, and she was the centre of his attention. “It’s good.”

“Can I see it?”

“Turn around for a sec.”

She uncovered her left arm and shoulder, fixing the fabric on her boobs. “I won’t be able to sleep on my left side for a while.”

As he turned back, his gaze fell on her bare shoulder. He grimaced at the sight of the darkening bruises.

“That’s from the fall. I also have a huge bump on my head, but the hair covers it.”

“This looks painful…” he said, shifting closer.

She wasn’t surprised when he leaned forward to press his lips to her shoulder. No one ever kissed her that way. It tickled a bit, but not in the annoying way.

He didn’t stop at one kiss. She had a lot of bruises and his lips brushed all of them.

It was quiet, the wood crackling in the fireplace, Sebastian’s lips making soft noises on her skin.

When he kissed her collar bone, she turned her head to rub her cheek over his hair.

“Can I tell you my three wishes?” 

“Go ahead.”

When she looked at his plump lips she nearly forgot what she was going to say. “I want you to win a race for me.”

Sebastian smiled. “Okay. But it might take a while, since I will be a rookie in Formula 3.”

“I can wait.”

“Let’s lie down, okay?” he proposed. “Here.”

The sofa was narrow, but Hanna didn’t mind.

Sebastian rested on his left side, Hanna on her right side, facing him. Their bellies were barely touching, but it already felt too intense.

“What’s your second wish?” The air of Sebastian’s breath tickled Hanna’s nose.

“I want you to make me scrambled eggs for breakfast.”

“No problem, as long as your mom lets me in the kitchen.”

“You can impress her as well.”

“With scrambled eggs?”

Hanna chuckled. “And bacon.”

“I’ll do my best. What’s your third wish?”

She wanted to ask him to sing for her, but his lips were too close to ignore. “Let’s kiss nonstop for half an hour.”

She noticed a slight concern on his face. “Half an hour without breaks?”

“Well… with small breaks if you want, but no talking.”

“I like this wish a lot,” he whispered, touching her waist.

The moment he leaned in, she closed her eyes.

He was a great kisser. Each brush of his lips felt new and exciting. They were still learning and discovering new possibilities. New ways to make each other shiver and gasp.

It was getting really hot under the blanket. Sebastian’s hand moved down the curve of Hanna’s hip, paused and started sliding back up.

She remembered that his neck was sensitive to touch, so she stroked it lightly.

He broke the kiss, letting out a soft sigh. It felt amazing to make him sigh like that.

“My heart is racing…” he whispered.

“We weren’t supposed to talk.”

“Just feel it.” He pressed her palm to his chest.

“Wow… why are you so nervous?”

“I’m not nervous. I’m… turned on.” His body was producing more heat than the fireplace.

“No talking," she reminded him.

They resumed kissing. Hanna lost track of time. Her focus was moving from Sebastian’s lips, to their hips so close together. It was perfect until her neck started to hurt from keeping her head at an angle.

She broke the kiss and shifted slightly to fix the pillow.

He gasped. “Don’t move!”

Hanna froze and sought his gaze.

But he averted his eyes, he was breathing fast. “Just… stay where you are, okay?”

“Okay.” She found a comfortable position next to him and waited.

“The problem…” He paused to swallow. “The problem is that our parents can walk in on us anytime.”

“You’re right… I’m sorry.”

“I liked the idea too, it’s just… the atmosphere is too tense and you have barely any clothes on…”

“It’s awesome the way it is,” Hanna said, touching the tip of his nose. “Maybe we could watch a movie? Unless you want to sleep.”

“I don’t want to waste this night on sleeping.”

Hanna rolled onto her other side and grabbed the remote. She hoped he would embrace her from behind, but he kept a distance.

“At least it’s really warm now,” he said before kissing the back of her head.

Smiling, she turned the TV on. And she jumped as the room exploded with loud music. Hanna hit the mute button… At least she thought she did, but she only switched the channel.

A naked couple was going at it on the screen. They seemed to be louder than the music on the previous channel.

“Turn it off!”

Hanna panicked and dropped the remote.

“Yeah! Faster… oh God, faster! Oh my God!!!”

Sebastian jumped from the sofa, sprinted to the TV and pulled the plug out.

Hanna cringed; her pulse was over the roof. The embarrassing sex noises were still ringing in her ears.

“What is going on down there?” she heard her dad’s voice.

Sebastian hurried back to the sofa to cover his hips.

“We were just watching a movie,” the girl said, the sound of her own voice making her cringe.

_Don’t come down, please… Just don’t come down…_

“I think it’s time for you to go to bed.”

“But it’s not four yet.”

“Go to your bed.”

Pouting, she started looking for her slippers.

“I think I’ll stay here,” Sebastian said. “I don’t want to wake up our brothers.”

“Sorry for the TV… I ruined everything.”

“It’s okay. It was fun.” His red face was very alluring. “I hope your dad knows it wasn’t us making that noise.”

Hanna felt her cheeks burn. “We’ll talk tomorrow. Sleep well.”

“I love you, _Hasi_.”

“I love you too, _Schnuckelchen_.”

He smiled, lifting his chin to meet her lips.

 _So much fun ahead_ , she thought. _Life is good._


	15. Small things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short review of the races described in this chapter:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqvylmpgaKA

_'It is the small things that make life good.'_

Sebastian Vettel 

_16 April, 2005, Hockenheim_

Amy looked at Hanna through the rear view mirror. “Do we have to leave the car so far away from the track?”

“There’s another parking, but it might be full,” Hanna replied.

She wanted to be awake and alert for Sebastian’s Formula 3 debut and she hadn’t taken any pills for motion sickness. Besides, she wanted to chat with Amy while Howard, Amy’s boyfriend was driving them to the circuit. But he turned the music on and both girls were forced to listen to Greenday for almost an hour. He was a decent driver, but he wasn’t Sebastian and soon enough Hanna felt nausea.

“You know what? I better drop you off and look for a better spot alone,” Howard suggested. “Wait for me at the entrance.”

Hanna got out of the car, taking deep breaths of fresh air.

“Your face is green,” Amy said. “Maybe we should sit down? There’s a bench, but it’s wet.”

“I’ll be fine. Let’s just stay still for a moment.”

“I hope it doesn’t rain. Howard has our umbrellas.”

There were some dark clouds ahead, but the wind was blowing them away.

“Sebastian likes driving when it’s wet,” Hanna said. “But I don’t like it. In the rain the racing seems more dangerous than it normally is.”

“He’ll be fine.”

Hanna sighed. “He has to. I really want you to finally meet him.”

Avoiding puddles, the girls strolled down the empty parking.

“When I first told Howard about the race, he wasn’t too excited,” Amy said. “But then he found out that there is some British young star racing in this category.”

“Lewis Hamilton.”

“Yes! Hamilton. Do you think Sebastian could introduce us? Or maybe ask him if he could sign a few cards?”

“It shouldn’t be a problem. We only need to find Sebastian’s dad after the race,” Hanna smiled politely. “It’s nice to catch up, isn’t it?”

Amy smiled as well.

“You slimmed down a bit,” Hanna noticed, looking her English friend up and down.

“Howard doesn’t like sitting at home.”

“Do you live together?”

“No, my parents wouldn’t allow it. But Howard has a house in Church End. Well, technically it’s his parents’ house, but they’re living in New York.”

“Wow… And he’s twenty-one? Looks older.”

“I know. I feel older too,” Amy laughed, but her cheerfulness faded quickly. “Especially after… we did it,” she added, her face serious.

“Oh…” An alarm went off in Hanna’s head. Amy used to be her closest friend, they used to share everything, but… the topic made her uncomfortable.

She could feel Amy’s anxious glances, but still she couldn’t get a word out.

“You don’t approve.”

“No! I’m just… surprised. You just met him. When was it? Three months ago? And… the last time we talked about it, you said you didn’t want to rush.”

“I didn’t… rush.” Red stains appeared on Amy’s cheeks. “Howard was… very persuasive. So I let it happen. It wasn’t easy. I was too uptight and… it hurt, so he had to back off a few times. It took us the entire night.”

Hanna looked around. _Where is he? I don’t want to have this conversation any longer._

“Sorry for oversharing.” Amy cleared her throat. “I know it’s not my business, but are you and Sebastian-“

“No!” _Ugh, too loudly._ “We’re taking it slow. I’m sure we both think about it, but… it’s still too early.”

“Sebastian’s a bit younger than Howie.”

“I don’t think that matters. He’s sensitive and responsible.” Hanna was carefully picking her words, trying not to offend Amy’s boyfriend though her level of approval toward him was constantly dropping.

“I didn’t say he isn’t. I just wanted to give you a heads up. I hope your first time will be less stressful.”

“I wouldn’t worry about it.”

“Okay…”

The silence was as uncomfortable as the conversation.

Despite having no warm feelings toward Howard, Hanna felt relieved when he finally caught up.

 

*

 

The view from the main stand was amazing. Hanna could see the pit straight and the cars lined up on the grid. They were still surrounded by the mechanics and other people, so it was hard to spot the drivers.

“Where is he?” Amy asked.

“On pole, of course,” Howie replied before Hanna managed to open her mouth.

“I meant Sebastian.”

“Oh… he’s sixth,” Hanna said with a sense of pride.

“Not bad for a rookie,” Howie said.

Hanna smiled at him. “Lewis needs to watch his back.”

“Would you show me Sebastian’s car when he’ll be passing by?” Amy asked.

“The tip of his nose is yellow.”

“Not sure if I can see his nose if he has a helmet on.”

“The nose on the car. Not Sebastian’s.”

Amy chuckled. “I know. I was just joking.”

Hanna turned away to scan the grid. She was too nervous to appreciate Amy’s jokes.

“Le-wis, Le-wis!” Howie chanted right before the start.

Hanna kept staring at Sebastian’s car, her heart hammering as the lights went off.

She tried to follow what was going on, but she quickly lost him from her sight. Nobody crashed, that was a good sign.

She had watched a few Formula 1 races and they never looked as chaotic as this one. The cars were so close, squeezing each other in the corners, darting from one side of the track to the other.

“Hamilton’s still leading!”

_Where is Sebastian? Where is he?_

A collective moan stirred the crowd as some cars collided at the back of the pack and… started piling up and hitting the cars in front of them. That was when she finally spotted him. He was standing still while the competitors were passing by…

“What happened? Is that Sebastian car?”

 _You can clearly see the yellow nose!_ Hanna wasn’t angry enough to say it out loud. She was devastated. She could only imagine how Sebastian was feeling.

His car was still running, so he proceeded carefully.

“He’s still going, that’s good,” Amy said.

“Three seconds faster than everybody else. Can you believe that?!” Howie was so focused on Lewis, he didn’t even notice Hanna’s and Amy’s grey faces.

Only when it got quiet, because all the cars were in a distant part of the track, a solitary Sebastian appeared on the main straight.

“Poor guy. Can’t keep up.”

“He got hit in a collision,” Hanna said angrily.

“Did he? Is that…” Howie glanced at her. “Oh, I’m sorry. I was looking the other way.”

Hanna’s heart sunk as she watched her boyfriend push hard to catch the rest of the pack. _He’ll never make it_ , she realized. _There aren’t enough laps._

Her eyes welled up, but she blinked the tears back. She didn’t want to cry. Not in front of Howie.

“At least he’s okay,” Amy said, patting her shoulder.

“I guess,” Hanna said. _No, he’s not okay. I just hope he’s angry. Anger is good._

Howie was having fun, because nobody seemed to be able to challenge Lewis.

Hanna’s heart ached every time Sebastian was passing the main stand. People cheered after him, but she couldn’t decipher if they wanted to encourage or to mock him.

 

*

 

Hanna looked _Herr_ Norbert in the eye as he was handing them paddock passes. He seemed equally downcast as she was.

“Sebastian’s not feeling well,” he whispered to her, unaware that Amy and Howie couldn’t understand German.

“I want to talk to him.”

He hesitated for a moment. “Okay. Follow me.”

He was walking very fast for such a short man. Soon they left the biggest crowd behind and approached the Mücke Motorsport stand.

“Could you wait here?” Hanna asked Amy and Howie. “I need to talk to Sebastian in private.”

“Not a problem,” Howie said, looking around, most likely for Lewis.

There were some men inside the stand, working on Sebastian’s car.

“He’s in the changing room at the back,” _Herr_ Norbert said. “I’ll be helping the guys.”

Hanna left the main compartment and found herself in a narrow corridor.

“Can I help you with something?” A blond mechanic appeared at the door on the left.

“I’m looking for Sebastian.”

“He’s busy.”

“I’m Hanna, his girlfriend. Can you tell him I’m here?”

The man studied her for a moment. “Wait here,” he said and headed to the door on the right. He entered without knocking and reappeared a couple of seconds later. He held the door open for Hanna. “I hope you don’t mind my mistrust. People keep bothering him all the time.”

“I understand. Thank you.” She entered the room.

Sebastian was sitting on the floor and hugging his knees. His eyes were red and swollen.

“I’m so sorry,” Hanna said, sitting down next to him.

He looked as if he was going to burst into tears, but after taking a deep breath, he managed to keep himself together.

“I was shit,” he said, his voice filled with anger, but it seemed forced. “I was losing places in every corner. If I stayed in front, that collision wouldn’t have affected me.”

“Don’t blame yourself, please.” As soon as she leaned forward, wrapping an arm around him, he clasped onto her as if looking for support. All his defences washed away and he started crying.

She held him, wishing she could take at least a small part of his pain to lessen his suffering.

“I was pushing so hard, but I couldn’t catch them…” he sobbed. “I could hear people whistle while I was passing by. Like… I was some kind of amateur.”

“I know. I was there.”

He leaned away. “Is your friend Amy here?”

When she saw his wet eyes, she felt a lump in her throat. “Yes.”

“She must think I’m an idiot.”

“If she does, she’s not my friend.” Hanna pushed aside a strand of hair on Sebastian’s forehead. “She’s waiting outside with her boyfriend, Howie. I know you wanted to meet her.”

Sebastian sniffled. “I don’t look too presentable at the moment.”

Hanna kissed his hair. “I’ll be back in a second.”

 

*

 

“I’m really sorry, but Sebastian won’t be able to talk to you today,” she said to Amy outside the stand.

“That’s too bad. I guess we’ll have to meet again soon.”

“It would be nice. Listen, Amy. I think I’ll stay here a while longer. There’s no need for you to drive me back to Heppenheim.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. It was nice to catch up. Say hi to Howie from me.”

The girls hugged.

“Yeah, I need to find him first…”

“If he’s chasing Lewis, go where the biggest crowd is.”

“I will. Take care.”

“You too.”

 

*

 

She found Sebastian standing by the door. His eyes were still red, but he looked better.

“Oh… I thought you’d bring Amy along,” he said, but he seemed relieved to see her alone.

“It’s not that important.”

“Weren’t they supposed to drive you home?”

“I decided to stay.”

He stepped up and pulled her close. The first kiss was short. The second one longer. The third one so deep Hanna’s knees felt week.

“Better?” she whispered.

“Yes…” There was no sadness in his eyes any more.

 

*

 

She wanted them to walk down the paddock holding hands. She wanted him to know that she was proud of him. But he wished to keep her visit private.

“You go first,” he said. “My dad will show you the way.”

 

*

 

“My wife was here with Fabian and Steffi, but I told them to drive home and come back tomorrow. Sebastian needs some quiet time to refocus,” _Herr_ Vettel said, leading her to the family camper.

“I hope I’m not disturbing.”

“You’re a quiet person compared to Fabian.”

When they reached the camper, Sebastian’s dad went straight to the fridge. “There’s enough food for five people!”

Hanna stepped up. “I can help.”

Listening to the Beatles, they started preparing the meal.

Sebastian showed up a couple of minutes later. “This is perfect,” he said, taking the scene in.

 

*

 

Sebastian lent Hanna a shirt and a pair of shorts as sleeping clothes. After taking a shower she was waiting for him to come back from jogging.

He returned sweaty and panting and went straight to the bathroom.

 _Herr_ Norbert had assigned her a bed in a more private part of the camper. It was close to the shower; she could hear all the tiniest movements Sebastian was making… and it was surprisingly stimulating.

But after he left the bathroom, it got completely silent and she started to worry that maybe he thought she was already asleep and went to bed.

She waited, wondering if she shouldn’t go to him. Just to say goodnight. But all her uncertainties and worries burst like a bubble when she heard a subtle knocking.

“Yes?”

Sebastian sneaked inside the small compartment. “Is there a place for me in your bed?”

Hanna felt warmth on her cheeks. “Always,” she said, shifting to make his some room.

He was wearing plaid pyjamas, his hair still a bit wet from the shower.

“What about your dad?” Hanna asked, rolling onto her side to face the boy.

“Do you want me to ask him if he wants to join us?”

“You know what I meant.”

Smiling, he rested his hand on her neck and brushed her jawline. “He’s sleeping. But even if he wasn’t, he wouldn’t mind.”

“Okay then.” God, that hand! She couldn’t look Sebastian straight in the eye when he was touching her.

“So… how is Amy doing? Did you like her boyfriend?” he asked, his voice soft and warm.

Hanna cringed, remembering the awkward conversation with her friend from London. “She’s a completely different person in his presence.”

“Different how?”

“Well… quieter. Like he’s smothering her personality.”

“You think she’s unhappy?”

“I don’t know. She’s clearly under his spell.”

“Is he handsome?”

“Probably, but not my type at all. I think that the thing that attracts her the most is how grown-up he is. She keeps calling him Howard.”

“How old is he?”

“Twenty one.”

They were quiet for a while.

 _Can I tell him about Amy’s first time_ , Hanna wondered? It was Amy’s personal confession after all. Still, she couldn’t keep it in, it was bothering her too much.

“Amy told me about their first time…”

Sebastian’s eyes grew big. “Come again?”

“Their first time. Just… don’t tell her I told you.”

“But… she’s your age, isn’t she? If he’s twenty one then it’s illegal.”

“The age of consent is 16, I think.”

“Oh… okay.”

“She said Howie was very persuasive, so she let it happen.”

Sebastian’s expression hardened. “It doesn’t sound right.”

“I agree. No wonder they had such trouble to… actually do it. She said he had to back off a few times, because she was in pain…”

“A few times?”

“It took them the whole night.”

Sebastian grimaced. “Okay… I don’t want to think about it.”

“Sorry…”

“No… I meant ‘them’. I don’t want to think about them. Why would she tell you that? Sounds really personal.”

“She said she wanted to warn me, but I think she just needed to get if off her chest.”

Sebastian snorted. “To warn you? I’m not Howard, so you should be okay.”

His reaction made Hanna feel much better. “I know. I love you,” she whispered, shifting closer to kiss his lips. “We have time.”

“Yes…” he agreed. “It’s like a journey. You can go from point A to point B with your eyes closed or via aeroplane and sleep through the flight. But you can also… enjoy the road, watch out the window, see new places, taste new food. If you don’t rush, you have more time to enjoy small things and… learn. And you get to point B with a lot of nice memories and also good experience.”

Hanna stared at him, amazed by his words. “Why are you so perfect?” she asked, clinging to his side.

He pulled her closer and hugged. “Love you, _Hasi_. I’m glad you stayed. Oh, I forgot to tell you. Guess who joined me when I was jogging.”

“I have no idea.”

“Lewis Hamilton!” Sebastian laughed. “He wanted to show off a little and picked up the pace. But I’m not a slouch. So I passed him and ran even faster. But he caught up… It was ridiculous. I didn’t want to be the first one to bail so I kept running. We were both exhausted when his dad showed up on a scooter. He said that there was no one else on the track, just me and Lewis. The guy who won the race, and the guy who finished last. And then Lewis said: ‘It’s a sign, man. Maybe we’ll have a close battle tomorrow.’ I said that I hope so.”

“I hope so as well,” Hanna added. “You’re a great driver. One day he’ll be sick of staring at the back of your car.”

“Sounds amazing.” Sebastian covered his mouth and yawned.

“My prince is sleepy.”

“Yes, he is. We should get some rest. But let’s kiss goodnight first.”

“Okay. Just… wait a second. I need to take my bra off.”

“What?!”

“Shh… It’s not comfortable.”

“Who made you put it on in the first place?”

She sat up and turned around. “I didn’t want to parade in front of your dad bra-less.” She undid the clasp, took the bra off and put it away from Sebastian’s sight.

“That shirt looks nice on you.”

Of course he had to check her out.

She slipped under the blanket and into his arms.

“Good night.” She kissed him gently, but when she tore her lips away, he pulled her back.

 _Oh, God… it’s like a drug._ Her whole body was buzzing for more. But it was already late and Sebastian really needed a good night of sleep.

“Enough, _Schätzchen_ …”

“Okay…” He leaned away, licking his lips. “Good night.”

As they cuddled together, Hanna couldn’t stop listening to Sebastian’s breathing. His closeness was keeping her awake. But when she started imagining the small steps they were going to take on their road to point B, she felt warm and comfortable enough to slowly drift into sleep.

“I can’t stop thinking about the fact that you have no bra on,” he said when she was already half-asleep.

“Oh my God, Seb…”

He chuckled softly.

“Lewis is probably already asleep,” she mumbled.

“But does he have a beautiful girl in his arms?”

“He has a nice trophy. Keep talking and he’ll win another one unchallenged.”

“I love the way you motivate me,” he whispered, kissing her forehead.

“It doesn’t seem to work…” she grunted.

“Don’t worry. It works just fine.”

 

*

 

Hanna squeezed Stefanie’s hand as the five lights went off. It wasn’t raining, but the track was very slippery.

Sebastian was starting from the second row, but despite a nice start, he had nowhere to go and had to back off, losing a few places. The first corner was a mayhem. Sebastian’s car touched another and twitched… And then the leader spun and everyone had to steer away to avoid him. The spray was so high, she couldn’t see a thing.

“Okay…” Stefanie let go of her hand. “He survived the worst.”

Hanna rubbed her fingers; Stefanie had a strong grip. “He’s eight.”

_So much for the close battle with Lewis…_

Still, it was a different kind of race than the day before. She was sure Sebastian enjoyed it. He showed great skills passing two cars. The third one was easy, because his competitor overheated his tyres.

 _Fifth is fine. Fifth is fine_ , Hanna chanted in her mind as he was chasing the next car.

He was pushing so hard, he went wide in a corner and nearly lost the car.

Lewis crossed the line second, while Sebastian was still attacking for P4, giving Hanna and Stefani heart attacks.

He finished the race fifth.

 

*

 

When Hanna finally got to congratulate Sebastian after the race, he kissed her and said, “Fifth is fine.”


	16. Time to study

_Monday, May 16, 2005_

It felt as if April turned into March again. Hanna’s dad gave her a lift to the school, because the weather was awful. The wind was trying to yank the umbrella from her hands as she was running to the entrance.

Yesterday Sebastian was still in Belgium. There were zero chances to meet him in the corridor. But there was someone else waiting at her.

A chubby boy from Sebastian’s class was staring straight at her, blushing as she noticed him. She couldn’t recall his name.

“Hi, I’m Ralf. I’m in the same class with Sebastian.”

“Hi, I remember you. What’s up?”

The boy looked down at the folder he was holding. “I’m collecting notes for Sebastian.”

“That’s nice. He should come tomorrow. And on Wednesday, perhaps, before he leaves for Monaco.”

“No, he messaged me before I left home. He wrote he’s sick. I brought all the notes for him.”

“Oh… thanks. I’ll make sure he gets them today.” Hanna took the folder. Sebastian hasn’t mentioned any sickness, but she wasn’t surprised; there were only 10 degrees Celsius in Belgium and it was raining.

“I hope he’ll find a moment to study,” Ralf said, his face concerned. “He deserves higher grades. I know he’s a quick learner, but it’s better not to leave it at the last moment.”

“I agree.”

“I offered to help, but he hasn’t called yet.”

“I’ll talk to him about it. Thank you again, Ralf. Have a nice day.” Hanna smiled at the boy who blushed even more.

 

*

 

She wanted to see him. She needed to see him. At the thought of him lying sick in his bed she wanted to ditch school and run straight to his house.

One of her classmates lived two streets away from Sebastian. Hanna got a lift, but she still had to walk some distance in a pouring rain.

_What if he’s not home? What if it was just a lie and he went straight to Monaco?_

She sighed with relief, seeing the camper parked in the backyard.

Trembling with cold, hungry and tired, she rang the doorbell.

“Oh, hello!” _Frau_ Vettel welcomed her. “Sebastian didn’t mention you were coming.”

“He doesn’t know.” Hanna entered and quickly took off her wet coat.

“I’m sure he’ll be happy to see you. That’s probably the only thing that can make him happy right now.”

Hanna looked at _Frau_ Vettel, hoping for an explanation.

“He’s very upset with how the season’s going. He says he’s going backwards. From P5 in Hockenheim, to P7 and P11 in France. Disqualified last Saturday because of some technical infringement of the team and only P13 yesterday.”

“I’ve seen the race on TV. He was pushed off the track. I think he raced well to recuperate.”

Sebastian’s mom sighed helplessly. “Tell him that! It hurts me to see him blame himself for everything. The worst thing is that he’s not talking to anybody. He caught a cold in Spa so my husband took him to the doctors in the morning. After they came back he closed himself in his room and I haven’t seen him since. I hope he’s resting, though… I’m not sure if the music helps.”

The muffled music from a few rooms away didn’t sound like anything Sebastian usually listened to.

“I’m really worried,” his mom continued. “Especially about the school. Looks like he’s going to miss another week.”

“I brought him some notes from his friend, Ralf.”

“Thank God. He can study a bit before we leave for Monaco. There’s a Formula 1 race this weekend as well, so I doubt he’ll be able to focus on school at all.”

 

*

 

The music was loud. Hanna knocked on the door a few times. No reaction.

“Sebastian? Are you there?!” Still nothing.

Hanna pursed her lips, getting a bit irritated. She knocked again, this time harder. “Sebastian?!”

She grabbed the door knob. To her surprise the door wasn’t locked.

_What’s the worst thing he could be doing?_

She felt heat on her cheeks as her mind started to wander.

 _He would’ve made sure the door was locked if he was going to do_ that _._

As she pushed the door open, her mouth went open as well.

Wearing only a pair of white briefs, Sebastian was sweating his butt off on his stationary bike.

White briefs soaked with sweat… His entire body was glistening.

He was watching a Formula 1 race, headphones on. The TV set was opposite to the door, but he had good peripheral vision.

“Shit!” He jumped off the bike, looked around, grabbed a hoodie and wrapped it around his hips. “Close the door!”

She was so flustered, he had to walk up and do it himself.

She couldn’t recall the last time she’d seen him shirtless, but his arms and shoulders looked really strong.

“I was sure the door was locked…” Hurriedly he pulled some sweatpants on.

Hanna still managed to catch another glimpse of his briefs… and the dark trail of hair south his belly button.

His body was like a magnet! It took a complete control over her thoughts.

“It was so hot, I had to undress. I’m actually glad you didn’t enter five minutes earlier, because I was biking naked… Turns out sweaty skin is very slippery and I was only… pulling the hair-” he trailed off and went to open the window.

Hanna swallowed. “Your mom said you’re sick.”

He pulled a shirt on, grabbed a bottle of water and sat on his bed, avoiding her gaze. “I need to train harder,” he said. “I was so unfocused and sore yesterday.”

“Probably because you were already sick… Do you have a fever?” She sat next to him, pressing a palm to his forehead.

He looked in her eyes for the first time.

“You’re an idiot,” she said as he drank. “An idiot with the most beautiful eyes in the world.”

He swallowed the rest of the water and dropped the bottle on the carpet. “I love you too.”

“Kiss me,” she whispered, leaning closer.

“I don’t want you to get sick…”

“Then hug me.”

“But I stink…”

Hanna pouted. “If you don’t want to…”

“Of course I do, you know that. I’m thinking about you every time I don’t have to think about racing. I’m thinking about us…”

“Enough thinking.” All she had to do was to show him she didn’t mind the sweat and the cold. He didn’t need a second invitation.

Their lips brushed gently.

“I’m going to cure you with love,” she whispered. His lips weren’t as sweet as usual.

There was a thermometer on the table, so she grabbed it. “Lie down, my lovely patient. We need to check your temperature.”

“I feel on fire…” His eyes moved over her body, making her shiver.

“Open your mouth.”

He glanced at the thermometer. “It’s not necessary; I know I have a fever.”

“If you have a fever then why weren’t you resting?”

“I am resting now.”

Hanna rolled her eyes. “Sometimes I wish I could spank you…”

Sebastian bit his lip in a seductive way. “Oh yeah, please do.”

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Not at all!” he smirked, slipping under a blanket. “I saw the way you stared at my underwear.”

“What way?”

“You know what way. Don’t act so innocent.”

Hanna tried to pull a poker face, but she couldn’t keep herself from blushing. “Since you mentioned your underwear… You better change. Lying in bed in wet underwear won’t help you get better.”

“So you did stare…” he chuckled. “I forgot that you already saw me with my pants down.”

“You were far away and I wasn’t staring.” _Geez, stop explaining yourself!_

“You sound a bit disappointed.”

“It was wrong, because it wasn’t consensual.”

“Well… you seeing me in my undies today wasn’t consensual either. But it’s easy to fix. Just show me your underwear.”

“I’m not taking my jeans off.”

“I wasn’t thinking about that piece of underwear.”

Hanna hesitated. “You know what? I came here to talk about your grades…”

He grasped her hand, his face getting serious. “I know it doesn’t look peachy, but I’ll try to catch up after Monaco.” It didn’t take him long to discover that her pulse was the most sensitive and he was often brushing it with his fingertips.

Hanna shivered under his touch. “Your friend, Ralf, gave me a file of notes he collected for you. I have it in my bag.”

“Chubby?”

“Is that his nickname?”

“Kind of obvious.”

“It’s rude.”

“I don’t think he minds.”

“He’s probably used to it, but it doesn’t mean he likes it.”

“I’m actually surprised he talked to you. He’s extremely shy around pretty girls.”

“He seemed very nice.”

“All shy people are nice.”

“He said he offered to help you, but you haven’t contacted him. You should give him a call. Maybe he could visit you tomorrow? I can help you as well.”

Sebastian looked at the notes, grimacing. “I was feeling better on the bike… Now I can feel the sickness creeping inside my skin. Like, I’m hot and cold at the same time and…” He pressed a palm to his mouth and sneezed.

“I better close that window.”

Sebastian started taking his clothes off under the blanket. “Could you hand me my pyjamas?”

Hanna closed the window, although there still wasn’t enough fresh air in the room.

She grabbed the pyjamas from the chair and handed it to Sebastian.

“You’re blushing again,” he said.

“Because it’s warm in here…”

“Really? Not because I have no clothes on?” His smirk disappeared when his mom knocked on the door and entered a second later before he had any chance to react.

“I’m just… changing…” he stuttered.

“From what?” _Frau_ Vettel looked at him suspiciously.

“Sweatpants…”

“I came to ask if you’re hungry, honey,” she turned to Hanna. “I made chicken soup.”

 

*

 

After eating some soup, Sebastian and Hanna decided to study a bit. Hanna sat at the desk and focused on her homework, while Sebastian was reading Ralf’s notes.

It was going well until Hanna relocated and sat on the bed. Sebastian quickly grasped her hand, making it hard for her to focus. They were still studying though or maybe only pretending.

“Can I put my head on your lap?” Sebastian asked all of a sudden.

It was a really bad idea.

“Yeah… sure…” She thought he would put a pillow under his head, but no! She felt the back of his head press to her lower belly and her hips.

Very bad idea…

He looked at her and smiled. “You look funny from this angle…” His gaze shifted from her face down her neck and paused on her breasts. “Or maybe funny is not the correct word…”

“You were supposed to study.”

“I am studying.” He grasped her hand, pressed it to his lips and kissed her pulse. She watched his face as he was kissing the inside of her palm, her fingers, her knuckles, stroking the flesh between her fingers… His eyes closed, he seemed very, very focused, just not on what he was supposed to do.

 _He’s sick. He deserves some… comforting_ , Hanna thought, putting a hand in his hair.

“When I was in France and in Belgium, I was so restless,” he said. “I couldn’t sleep. So I was thinking about you. About us, cuddling and falling asleep together like we did in Hockenheim. I was hugging the pillow imagining it was you and it felt a bit pathetic, but… it worked.”

“I can go with you to some races after the school is over,” Hanna said.

“That would be great.” He sighed, clearly enjoying the way she played with his hair. “I need to step up my game. I know it’s my rookie season, but if I keep looking for excuses, I will never get into Formula 1.”

“You still have time,” Hanna said, leaving his hair in peace to focus on his neck. “You need to finish school first.”

“You’re right… One more year. When I’m done with school, I could finally move out. If I do well in racing, maybe I could afford my own flat? Somewhere quiet, where I could train outside. Maybe close to a lake… You could live there with me.”

“Not before I graduate.”

“Ah… right. But you could visit in your free time. And… our parents wouldn’t bother us there.”

“We can go somewhere for a few days after your eighteenth birthday. You could borrow your sister’s car…” she suggested.

“For a few days? I doubt that… I should probably buy a car before I get my own flat.” He touched a button on her sweater, next to his face.

Hanna’s skin prickled pleasantly as she watched him undo it.

“I’ll ask her!” _Frau_ Vettel’s voice came from the corridor.

Sebastian quickly sat up, grabbing the notes before his mother knocked and entered.

“Your dad was trying to contact you,” she said to Hanna. “He’ll pick you up in ten minutes.”

“Oh… okay. Thank you.”

“This is exactly what I meant…” Sebastian grunted after his mom left. “No privacy at all.”

Hanna started collecting her things from the desk. “That’s what parents do. We’re actually still dependent from them. At least I am.”

Sebastian rested his head on the pillow. “Thank you for coming.”

“Don’t forget to call Ralf. I’m sure he’ll be a better study partner than me…”

“I like you better.”

“I think I know why.”

Sebastian grinned. “Okay. I’ll call him as soon as you leave.”

Hanna checked her phone. “I forgot to turn it on after school…”

“I hope your dad won’t be angry.”

“He’ll survive.” Hanna sat next to him, wanting to kiss him goodbye. “I better wait for him outside…”

“But it’s raining.” Sebastian shifted closer, reaching to her sweater.

“What are you doing?”

“Can I sneak a peek?”

The way his fingers were brushing the fabric on Hanna’s breasts and collar was too pleasant to say no. She had a white top under the sweater and he was clearly unsure what to do with it, so she lifted the fabric herself, exposing a simple white bra.

Sebastian’s eyes grew big with wonder. And then they became a bit unfocused…

She wouldn’t mind if he cupped her boob, but he just touched the strap. “Thank you…” he whispered, leaning forward to kiss her.

It was a short kiss. Hanna quickly buttoned up the sweater, too worried that Sebastian’s mom would show up again.


	17. His hands

_July, 2005_

Since Hanna got in the car, a smile wasn’t leaving her face. Finally, a few days of rest. Not just the two of them; their parents didn’t like the idea, but the company wasn’t too bad.

Sebastian’s sister had lent him her Golf. She didn’t really have a choice since he asked for it in the middle of his eighteenth birthday party.

Apart from Sebastian, there was also Ralf in the car and his thirteen-years-old sister Mathilda.

Sebastian invited Ralf to thank him for his help at school. There was still room in the car, so Ralf asked if his sister could come along.

And since Sebastian and Hanna weren’t going to be alone anyway, Hanna invited Amy who wasn’t going anywhere without her boyfriend, so Howard appeared as well.

“They’re driving away!” Mathilda pouted, her voice full of disappointment as Howard’s car was disappearing in the distance. “Can’t you go faster?”

Sebastian smiled. “I can, but I don’t want to. We’ll reach our destination at this speed as well. And they'll have to wait at the door, since Hanna has the keys.”

Hanna smiled too. For the first time she was going to spend a few days in Schwarzwald mountains in Summer. And for the first time – without her parents.

Once they found themselves on the motorway, Sebastian put his foot down, making Mathilda squeal with excitement. Grinning, he glanced at her through the rear view mirror.

Despite his efforts, he only managed to catch Howard on the slip road.

Once they left the motorway, Sebastian didn’t really slow down. “Everything okay?” he glanced at Hanna.

“Yes. You think you could pass them before we get to our cabin?”

“Sure, but I don’t want you to get sick.”

“I usually get sick from braking. So… don’t brake.”

A sparkle flashed in Sebastian’s eyes. “You better hold on."

 

*

 

Passing Howard on the winding road was more stress than fun not only to Hanna; Ralf’s smile seemed forced as well. Meanwhile his sister was having the time of her life.

“Farewell, losers!” She turned to the rear window, lifting her hand.

“Mathilda!”

Her brother’s reaction made her quickly hide the middle finger. She smiled broadly and waved at Howard. “Did you see his face? He was fuming!” she laughed, leaning back in her seat.

“Now he knows not to show off in front of a professional racing driver,” Sebastian said.

 

*

 

Sebastian wasn’t letting go of Hanna's hand since the beginning of their hike.

Once Amy noticed that, she grabbed Howard’s hand. In consequence her boyfriend dragged her forward, in a quicker pace than the pace of the rest of the group.

“They’re in a hurry again,” Mathilda grunted.

Sebastian had small weights fastened to his ankles so the moderate pace was okay for him. They were making a lot of stops mostly for Ralf’s sake, though nobody said it out loud.

“When’s your next race?” Ralf asked Sebastian during one of those breaks.

“In two weeks. At the Norisring.”

“We were watching the second race at Oschersleben on TV,” Mathilda said. “You finished fifth, didn’t you?”

“Yes. Both races, actually. It was a huge relief after Monaco.”

“Yeah… but Monaco is different. Monaco is for crazy people,” Ralf said.

Hanna just nodded.

“I was trudging at the tail end so from my point of view it was quite calm,” Sebastian confessed. “I performed miserably. But I met Michael. And I got a few autographs. From Kimi Raikkonen for example.”

“He’s so handsome!” Mathilda exclaimed.

"He’s cool. And very fast. It would be great to race alongside him one day.”

“Are you interested in racing too, Mathilda?” Hanna asked.

“I am, thanks to my brother. We want to be up to date when Sebastian debuts in Formula 1.”

“That’s a good idea.”

 

*

 

Another stop. Another chat.

“Will you be home next Saturday?” Ralf asked, handing Sebastian one of the sandwiches he had prepared before they left the cabin.

“I think so. Why?”

“Maybe we could go to Claudia’s wedding?”

Hanna nearly choked on food.

Sebastian froze with the sandwich next to his mouth. “Claudia is getting married?”

“You didn’t know? I thought you were… in touch. You used to be good friends.”

“Well… She did something nasty to me and Hanna and hasn’t apologized, so… I wasn’t exactly following her life. Especially since I didn’t spend much time at school this year.”

“But you must have noticed the baby bump.”

“The baby what?!”

“She’s pregnant.”

“With whom? Do I know him?”

Ralf shrugged his shoulders. “I have no idea who he is.”

“It should be easy to check if we go to the church,” Mathilda noticed.

“I doubt Claudia would be happy to see me…” Hanna said.

“What’s the point in having a wedding while being pregnant?” Mathilda wondered out loud. “A wedding gown and a baby bump? No alcohol. No wedding night…”

“Well, that part is already behind them,” Ralf commented.

“When I will be getting married,” his sister continued, “the wedding night will be special. It will be the first night in our new house! In our new bed. A king size bed.”

“Okay… stop…”

“How about you, Hanna? Do you have any plans?”

Suddenly everyone was looking at Hanna, but it was Sebastian’s stare she felt in a physical way. “No… I prefer to enjoy what I have instead of making plans.”

“I approve.” Ralf reached for another sandwich. “You can’t fill your stomach with dreams. Too much daydreaming will only make you hungrier.”

 

*

 

“It’s so beautiful here!” Sebastian stopped, mesmerized as they left the dark forest and walked through meadows, bathed in sunshine. The view of the surrounding hills was breath taking.

“I read that there were much more forests here in the past,” Ralf said. “They were dark, thick and pathless. People were scared to venture into them. They believed there were witches and magic creatures living in the heart of the forest.”

Hanna felt goose bumps on her skin. She looked around nervously.

“Fear not, I’ll protect you!” Sebastian assured, stepping up.

“From a witch, perhaps. But what would you do if there was a bear on our path?”

“It can’t be less intelligent than a cow. And cows love me.”

In fact, Sebastian had to chat with every cow they met. And if it was close enough, he had to pet it.

“Wildcats, bears and foxes reigned here once, but are now rare,” Ralf continued. “There are still many wild pigs, bucks, deers, rabbits, hedgehogs, mice and other small creatures.”

“I’ve seen a couple of mice already,” Mathilda said.

Sebastian glanced under his feet. “You mean on the pathway?”

“No… Here and there. They’re very quick. One of the girls in my class has a mouse. You think I could catch one?”

“It’s against the law,” Ralf warned his sister.

“Chill. Are they special or what, those mice? Close to extinction? I don’t think so. Snakes eat hundreds of them every day.”

This time Hanna glanced under her feet. “Come on. We’re already close to the summit.”

 

*

 

They spotted Howard and Amy from afar. They were sitting on a bench overlooking the pastures, next to a surprisingly big mountain lodge.

“We already checked the restaurant,” Howard said. “The goulash is delicious.”

“Hungry?” Hanna looked at Sebastian.

Sebastian glanced at Ralf.

“There’s still plenty of food in our backpacks,” his friend noticed. “We better eat it first. It would be stupid to carry it back to the cabin.”

“You’re right,” Hanna agreed. “I like your sandwiches a lot. But first I need to use the bathroom.”

Mathilda followed her. “Once we get back, we need to visit a grocery store. Ralf and I will take care of the food for everyone.”

“No need. There are bars and restaurants everywhere.”

“Yes, but… they’re expensive. Our mom is a professional cook. She taught us a lot. Besides… Sebastian is on a special diet.”

“He’s on vacation,” Hanna sighed. “He should eat whatever he wants.”

“I think he wants to be on a diet,” Mathilda concluded.

 _I wish I were that smart when I was thirteen_ , Hanna thought. _It would’ve spared me a lot of embarrassment._

 

*

 

Sebastian took the weights, shoes and socks off and was walking in a shallow stream. “Ice cold! Good for blood circulation. Come on, try it.”

The afternoon sun was still strong, so Hanna gladly accepted the invitation. She even managed not to scream when she stepped into the freezing water.

Finally, she could talk to Sebastian in private. “Are you tired?”

“You’re kidding, right? I’m actually considering walking back on foot, instead of taking the tram with you.” Step by step, the boy was getting closer.

“I will miss you…” Hanna confessed pretending not to notice.

“I won’t do it then. I already made you miss me too much when I was away,” he said, making another step closer.

Hanna turned away as if something at the lounge caught her attention. And then Sebastian hugged her from behind.

“Such a shame you put Amy and Howard in your parents’ bedroom.”

“Well… that’s the only bedroom with a double bed. And they are kind of… the oldest.”

“Remind me again why did we invite them?”

“Sebi, please. Amy is my friend. It’s not her fault Howard is… who he is.”

“I think he’s still angry with me for the overtaking manoeuvre. Luckily, I got him something that should improve his mood.”

 

 

*

 

On the way down they took a tram. Sebastian chatted with Howard, so Hanna was finally able to talk to Amy.

Ralf was taking photos. Mathilda was cracking jokes. Looked like winding Howard up was her new hobby.

When they got back to the cabin everyone apart from Sebastian was barely standing on their feet.

“I need a shower,” Hanna said.

“And I need a drink…” Howard added. “Is there a mini bar available?”

“Only an empty bar,” Hanna replied.

“Luckily, I brought my own supplies.”

 

*

 

When Hanna left the bathroom, making room for Amy, she glanced into the great room.

Sebastian and Howard were sitting on the couch.

“Thanks, man! I didn’t manage to catch him at Hockenheimring.”

“He wrote you a dedication, see?” Sebastian pointed at a photo of Lewis Hamilton. “For Howard.”

“Thanks a lot! Do you hang out a lot?”

“Not really…”

Wiping her hair with a towel, Hanna headed to the room she was sharing with Sebastian. The last time she had spent the night with him was in the camper in Hockenheim. Sebastian’s dad was there too and Sebastian needed rest, so… they were just sleeping.

This time was different. They didn’t need to go anywhere the next day. Maybe for a walk, depending on their moods.

She hasn’t even chosen a bed yet… She made the one next to her bags and approached the closet.

“What’s up, bunny?”

Hanna’s heart skipped a beat. “I sunburnt my nose…”

“Let me take a look.”

He grabbed her waist and kissed the tip of her nose. “We should probably spend some time with our guests in the great room,” he suggested. “You want something to drink? Ralf has a bottle of French wine.”

“I don’t know… Maybe a little. What about you?”

“I can’t.”

“My poor _Gummibärchen_ …” Hanna caressed Sebastian’s cheek. “I hope all those sacrifices will pay off soon.”

“There are other pleasures in life,” he said, looking her deeply in the eye. So deeply, she started blushing.

He smiled, seeing her reaction. “Which bed do you prefer?”

“This one.”

“Me too.”

 

*

 

“What? You never tried vodka?” Howard passed a shot glass to Sebastian. “You're eighteen, aren't you?”

“Professional athletes don’t drink alcohol.”

“What about Kimi Raikkonen? It doesn’t seem to harm him.”

“He’s from Finland, I’m German. I would prefer a beer.”

“Yeah, but I bet you know what beer tastes like. Now it’s time for something stronger. Come on! Don’t be a woos.”

Sebastian looked at Hanna as if expecting her to stop him. Unfortunately, she had made a mistake to let Ralf refill her wine glass. Now she was afraid to say anything because she didn’t want anyone to notice how tipsy she was.

“All right… but only because I’m curious.” Sebastian took a shot of vodka and put the empty glass down. For a few seconds nothing was happening. Then he finally swallowed and wriggled out. “Eww... disgusting.”

Ralf handed him a glass of juice.

Sebastian made a few gulps. “Tastes like chemicals.”

“You’ll get used to it.” Howard gave him a pat on the back.

“I don’t want to.”

“You should eat something,” Hanna suggested.

“I’ve already eaten too much.”

Feeling sorry for him again, she kissed him on the shoulder… well, actually on the shirt which made the gesture less cute than intended.

“Who’s going to get married first? Hanna and Sebastian or Howard and Amy?” Mathilda asked.

“Stop with the wedding investigation…” Ralf sighed. “You better plan your own.”

“I am planning!”

“Just don’t forget about the crucial element,” Howard smirked.

“Which is?”

“A groom.”

Mathilda pulled a face. “God forbid! I’m not into men. I’m going to find myself a beautiful bride!”

“That’s illegal.”

“For now!”

Howard cleared his throat. “I think we’ll call it a day, right, sweetheart?” he turned to Amy.

Similar to Hanna, Amy had too much wine and was dozing off.

“Geez! I was sure we would be partying all night long. And now we’re going to bed earlier than our parents,” Mathilda commented before taking a loud slurp of soda.

“I’ll help clean up,” Ralf offered, grabbing the glasses.

“No need. I’ll take care of that.”

“I can make scrambled eggs for breakfast tomorrow.”

“Good idea. I’ll buy some fresh bread after jogging.”

Mathilda sat next to Hanna to hug her goodnight. “You would be an awesome bride,” she whispered. “By the way, I was just joking. I like boys, but… girls smell better.”

 

*

 

“I’ll walk you to our room,” Sebastian put an arm around Hanna’s waist.

“I’m fine,” she said though the great room was spinning a bit as she walked. “I’m not used to alcohol."

“Same…”

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For leaving you alone with the dishes…”

“It won’t take long.”

“I need to brush my teeth.”

“Okay.” Instead of turning to the room, Sebastian walked her to the bathroom. “Will you manage alone?”

Hanna giggled. “Why? Do you want to pull my panties down?” It was the wine talking… “Oh God… I really am drunk…”

“I love you.” To her surprise, Sebastian kissed her on the lips and left.

 

*

 

She wanted to wait at him sitting on the bed, but the pillow was looking so soft… The second she rested her head, her eyelids dropped.

_Wake up, Hanna! Sober up! You can’t waste this night._

_First of all, take the bra off before Sebastian comes back!_

She forced herself to get up. She still had a white top, a pair of shorts and panties on.

Someone knocked on the door.

“Come on in.” Hanna slipped under the blanket. “You don’t need to knock.”

“I was sure you would be sleeping…”

“And you wanted to wake me up.”

“Kind of.”

Sebastian turned the light off and rested next to her. “Finally…” he whispered. “Can I take my shirt off?”

“Of course,” Hanna replied, trying to keep her voice calm.

 _Yes! His naked arms!_ She was still cheering in her mind, when he shifted close to her and started kissing her. His lips tasted of toothpaste.

Hanna surrendered to his kisses, touching his neck and shoulders. She remembered Mathilda’s words: girls smell better. Well, the scent of this particular boy was the best in the world, especially now when his skin was heating up with arousal.

Hanna shifted her hips. She heard a muffled moan that made her pull away from the kiss.

Sebastian was staring at her. “Did you hear that?”

They listened until they heard another moan… and a creak of wood… a knock on the wall and another creak of wood.

“Oh, no!” Hanna pressed her hands to her ears, meanwhile Sebastian started laughing.

“It’s our friends, Amy and Howard, making use of the double bed,” he chuckled.

“Don’t listen to them.” Hanna covered Sebastian’s ears uncovering hers. She cringed immediately. “Amy would never do that if she knew the walls are so thin.”

“She seemed too drunk to worry.”

“She’s probably completely sober by now. Same as me.”

“She better be, because from what I heard, drunk sex is not good.”

A low growl reached their ears. Hanna grimaced. “Let’s turn some music on.”

“If you want to disturb Mathilda and Ralf…”

“We can use the earphones.”

“Maybe we should focus on each other? I’ll do my best to distract you.”

“I’m sorry, Sebi, but those groans are turning me off.” Hanna snatched a set of earphones from her backpack and plugged them to her phone.

“Can I have one?”

“We’ll still hear them with the other ear.”

“Press it to the pillow then.”

“Okay…” Hanna put the player on shuffle. The first song turned out to be Britney Spears’ “Everytime”. “Oh no. This song is bringing some… sad memories.”

“What memories?”

“I used to listen to it a lot in London and wondering if you were dating Claudia…”

Sebastian kissed her forehead. Hanna skipped the song, the next one was Michael Jackson’s “Human Nature.”

“I like this one.”

“Me too,” Hanna said, cuddling with the boy.

She could still hear some noises coming from the next room, but when Sebastian started caressing her back, the pleasant shivers were the only thing on her mind.

“You think they’ll be doing it all night long?” Sebastian asked when the song ended.

“I hope not.” Another song began, making Hanna hold her breath.

“Oh, I know this one…” Sebastian said, the tone of his voice suggesting that he really did. And he knew what it was about.

 

 

> I'm not ashamed of the things that I dream
> 
> I find myself flirting with the verge of obscene
> 
> Into the unknown, I will be bold
> 
> I'm going to places I can be out of control
> 
>  
> 
> And I don't want to explain tonight
> 
> All the things I've tried to hide
> 
> I shut myself out from the world so I
> 
> Can draw the blinds and I'll teach myself to fly.

 

Sebastian’s breathing changed. It wasn’t the first time Hanna wished she could read his thoughts. But on the other hand… what if he knew her thoughts?

 

 

> I love myself
> 
> It's not a sin
> 
> I can't control what's happenin'
> 
>  
> 
> 'Cause I just discovered
> 
> Imagination's taking over
> 
> Another day without a lover
> 
> The more I come to understand
> 
> The touch of my hand.

 

Now, when he was close, the kissing, the touching and hugging were enough. Looking him deeply in the eye and flirting was all she needed. She was falling asleep with a smile on her face; the same smile would still be there in the morning.

But when he was away…

He was calling her as often as he could. But she missed him physically. She missed looking at him, smiling at him, watching him simply… exist. She was thinking about him every night before falling asleep. She was imagining him holding her in his arms just like now. She was imagining that he was kissing her and pressing their bodies together… and touching her. Everywhere. And sometimes… the tension was just unbearable.

She never went too far in her imagination. She didn’t want to get ahead of reality. She fantasized of what was familiar and comfortable. Of his hand on her body. Touching herself, she was picturing his hands… The ending was very pleasant, but… the satisfaction - fleeting. She was falling asleep with a blush on her cheeks, but after waking up she was immediately reaching for her phone, hoping to find a message from him. And sometimes he would write something cute and funny that would make her grin all day long.

“What are you thinking about?” he asked quietly.

“I’m just happy to have you so close.” Hahaha, not exactly. She was just wondering if he had the same problem with sexual tension when she was away… Waking up in the middle of the night, sweaty and turned on… and aching for relief.

His arms closed tightly around her. Hanna pulled the earphone out. It was finally quiet on the other side of the wall. “I hope it’s not just a break…”

Sebastian didn’t comment, because he was already asleep.

 

*

 

She woke up at the break of dawn; her bladder was full. The air coming from the window was fresh and fragrant, the morning birds were already chirping.

Trying not to wake her _Schatz_ up, she got out of the bed. Her legs were completely sore from yesterday’s hike. Wincing, she left the room. She spent a while in the bathroom.

In a few hours Sebastian’s alarm would go off and the boy would go jogging… She would love to go with him, but at the moment even walking was too painful.

 _I can watch him sleep_ , she though, going back to the room. But he wasn’t sleeping.

"What time is it?"

He looked delightful, his hair dishevelled, his eyes sleepy…

“Twenty past four. Sorry for waking you up.”

“I don’t mind.”

She could feel his stare as she was slipping under the blanket.

“I had a nice dream…”

“What was it about?”

“Us.”

“What were we doing?”

“Can I show you?” There was fire in his eyes. Untameable element. But she felt safe.

“Yes,” she whispered.

He kissed her hard, the back of her head pressing against the pillow. She was kissing back with a newly discovered passion. No hesitation. No nervousness.

When she opened her mouth wider, Sebastian’s tongue brushed hers. The strong tingling between her legs made her grimace. She shifted closer. Seeking contact. And she found it. The proof of his arousal. It was a new experience for both of them so at first he inched away.

But she pressed their hips back together. “Touch me, please.”

It was a really unprecise instruction, but she didn’t care how he’d interpret it. They were kissing again and that was the only thing that mattered.

His hand landed on her hip before shifting up its curve to her waste.

Just as their tongues brushed again, Sebastian’s hand gently cupped Hanna’s breast. She tore her lips away to let out a soft moan.

She still had the top on but the fabric was really thin.

Sebastian moved his fingers, his touch feather-like. “It’s so soft…” he said, bringing a smile to Hanna’s face. But it turned into a grimace when the boy’s thumb stroked her nipple.

“Squeeze it.”

“Like this?”

“Harder.” She gasped with pleasure.

He was learning fast. Squeezing and relaxing his hand, he kept massaging her boob and gently rubbing her nipple. He was playing with it and playing and playing… The pulse between Hanna's legs was so strong it felt as if her heart was in her underbelly.

Resting on her back, she opened her arms. “Come here.”

“You mean…”

“Yes.” She pulled him on top of her. They both trembled as their hips pressed together.

“You’re heavy…” Hanna whispered. “In a good way.”

He seemed too stunned to say anything.

“I love you,” she whispered before gently rocking her hips.

He moaned quietly. So helpfully. So delightfully. His reactions were the best part of the experience.

Kissing, they tried to synchronize the movements of their hips. It took them a while, but they were eager to learn. Especially since the learning process was so enjoyable.

After a while their kisses became sloppy. The bed was creaking a little, but not much. Sebastian’s breathing was way louder.

“Hush…” _Our guests are sleeping!_ Hanna flexed the muscles on her belly to give the boy the right friction. _It would be perfect to see his face now_ , she thought.

As if reading her mind, he propped himself on an elbow and stopped moving.

“You’re so handsome…” Hanna touched his face, glad that the sun was up. “Why did we stop?”

“Because I want to-” he croaked, sliding off her. “Because I want to do something else first,” he said and slipped a hand between her legs.

Nothingness. A black hole. Or rather a huge noise. An underground explosion. Electrocution. Fire.

She squeezed her eyelids shut, barely keeping herself quiet. It was exactly what she needed. Exactly what she had dreamt of when he was far away. His hand… his beloved, caressing hand.

It felt so good, it didn’t even matter how precise he was. Despite the two layers of fabric, she felt as if he was touching the core of her being.

Once she managed to snap back from the depths of the first shock, she opened her eyes and met his gaze. He was watching her as if to see if his touch was working.

Hanna licked her lips. It felt so good, she wanted to cry.

He kissed the tip of her nose and pressed his fingers harder to the fabric. And picked up the pace. Hanna moaned. The final pleasure was close. At the tips of his fingers…

As he shifted closer to rub his crotch against her hip, they started panting and shaking in duet. Faster, harder. Yes, just like that. Keep it up. Right there… keep it…

Hanna bit her lip hard…

Determined not to make a sound, she only let out a tiny squeak. Like a mouse. Her body throbbing hard under his shaking fingers, she forced herself to open her eyes. Just in time to see the sharp grimace on his face. It was a very intimate sight. And very beautiful.

The pleasure went on and on… its mind blowing sharpness turned into a soft bliss. The kind that makes you want to laugh and sing and dance.

Hanna took a deep breath. They both sweated a lot, but the bed smelled amazing.

_It’s the mountain air and my Sebastian. It’s love and Sebastian’s satisfied body._

“I love you so much,” he whispered, wrapping his arms around her.

She smiled drowsily.  _There will be time for laughing, singing and dancing later_ , Hanna thought, closing her eyes.


	18. It's okay to cry

_July, 2005_

Sebastian reached for his phone to turn the alarm off.

The sight of his nipples made Hanna think of her nipples, bringing memories of what had happened a few hours ago.

“Good morning. You look cute."

Hanna touched her dishevelled hair. “Did we have a fight?” she laughed.

Sebastian leaned forward and kissed her lips. “Was it okay or… too soon?"

He was thinking about their intimate “moment” too.

“I liked it. A lot," Hanna said, lowering her voice for no reason.

Sebastian's lips brushed her temple. He froze, as if breathing in the scent of her hair.

Hanna ran her fingers down his neck and touched his collar bone. _God, it would be so nice to do it again…_

“I better get up before I’m out of will power." Fixing his pyjama shorts, he got out of the bed and approached the closet.

“Throw the shorts into the washing machine downstairs,” Hanna said. “I’ll wash them with the hiking clothes.”

“What shorts?”

“The ones you have on.”

He looked down. “Oh… Okay.”

After he left the room, Hanna pushed the blanket off. She couldn’t spot any stains on her top, but the fabric seemed unusually stiff.

It was only seven in the morning. She was sore from the hike, but well-rested.

She got up and approached the mirror. Not only her hair looked ridiculous, but also the intense blush on her cheeks. And her nose was red.

_Maybe I’m sick?_ She touched her forehead.

_Or maybe I should stop picturing Sebastian in the shower. And wondering about the day when I will join him for the first time._

She patted her cheeks, which only made it worse.

 

*

 

An hour later Hanna entered the kitchen. “You’re already up?”

Ralf and Mathilda were hunched over a list of products.

Ralf smiled at her. “I’m happy to see that I’m not the only person with a red nose.”

Hanna touched her face. “I need to put more sunscreen on today.”

“Did you hear the boars?” Mathilda asked with excitement. “I woke up in the middle of the night and I heard some strange noises…”

Hanna made a poker face.

“Grunting and groaning… It was dark, but I think something was in the garden, right under our windows.”

“I hope they didn’t keep you up too long.”

“I tried to use my phone as a flashlight and I think I spooked them.”

“Sebastian’s coming back,” Ralf said, looking out the window.

“You mean fresh bread is coming,” his sister chuckled.

 

*

 

“Is Zopf bread okay with scrambled eggs?” Sebastian asked.

“White bread is good with everything.” Ralf took the paper bags from him.

“I’ll be back in five,” Sebastian added and ran upstairs.

“Can I go wake Howard up?” Mathilda asked.

“Let them sleep. We’re on vacation,” Ralf replied, opening the fridge. “You could set the table, if you’re bored.”

“I’ll help,” Hanna offered.

 

*

 

“Check this out,” Sebastian put a piece of paper on the table.

“What’s that?” Mathilda asked with her mouth full.

“I had a chat with the owner of the bakery. He said there’s a small lake nearby. It’s in the middle of the forest and there are no official paths to get there, but he wrote me a map. We should definitely check it out.”

“You want to go fishing?” Ralf asked, pouring hot water into Hanna’s mug.

“I’d prefer swimming and sunbathing.”

“You’re lucky I packed my bathing suit,” Mathilda said. “Is it far?”

“The lake? About five kilometres from here. If we take some food and water we can stay there as long as we want.”

“If you drive me to a grocery store, the food will ready in an hour,” Ralf said.

“Okay. We’ll go after breakfast.”

 

*

 

After Sebastian left with Ralf, Amy and Howard finally appeared downstairs.

“Scrambled eggs?” Mathilda welcomed them with a spatula in her hand.

“Yes, please.” Howard went straight to the coffee pot.

Amy was yawning, but when she met Hanna’s eyes, she smiled radiantly.

“Did you sleep well?” Hanna asked.                                               

“Yes, thank you.”

“No hangover?”

“No, I feel great.”

“Did you hear the boars?” Mathilda asked, cracking eggs like a pro.

“What boars?”

“There were boars in the garden. I heard them grunt and groan.”

Howard cleared his throat. “The birds were very loud in the morning.”

Hanna drank the rest of her green tea. _Yes… the birds in the morning…_

“Where’s Seb?” Amy asked. “Don’t tell me he took Ralf out for jogging.”

“No, they went grocery shopping. Sebastian’s organizing a trip to some secret lake today and Ralf offered to take care of the food.”

“A secret lake?” Amy asked, intrigued.

“It’s supposed to be good for swimming.”

“And sunbathing,” Mathilda added.

“I just remembered the story you once told me, how you went sunbathing with your friend Lulu and you stumbled across those guys skinny dipping.” Amy glanced at Mathilda. “Never mind.”

“What guys? Where you peeping on them?” Mathilda asked.

“Why are you mentioning this right now?” Howard laughed. “Do you want to swim naked?”

“What happened with the naked guys?” Mathilda grabbed Hanna’s shoulder.

“They were from our school. One of them asked me to take my clothes off and join him, but I refused, so he got out of the water and was walking up to me when-”

Mathilda’s eyes grew big. “Naked?”

“Yes.”

“Ewww…”

“But then Sebastian jumped out of the bushed and stole his underpants,” Hanna said, smiling. “He’s my hero since.”

“What was he doing in the bushes?” Mathilda narrowed her eyes suspiciously.

“He was keeping an eye on me.”

“You mean, he was spying on you.”

“Well… in a way. But I’m glad he was there.”

“I love this story,” Amy confessed. “But just to be clear, I wasn’t suggesting we go skinny dipping.”

“That would be fun thought!” Mathilda exclaimed.

Hanna, Howard and Amy glowered at her. “No!” they said together.

 

*

 

“We’ve got turkey caprese sandwiches, pressed salami sandwiches, cheddar sandwiches with pickles and mustard, ham and Swiss sandwiches…”

“I love when you talk dirty to me, Ralf, but who’s going to carry that?” Sebastian asked.

“I put them into four separate packages. I can carry one.”

“I’ll take one too.” Hanna opened her backpack.

“What about the blankets? And the beverages?”

“Don’t panic, Sebi. We have six backpacks. We just need to distribute the stuff properly.”

“I’m awful at packing. My mom does it for me,” he confessed.

Hanna laughed. “Yeah. I noticed.”

 

*

 

“Look at that!” Howard said. “There really were boars in the garden.” There were traces of digging in the ground, especially under the trees.

“Did you think I was lying?” Mathilda pouted. “I know what pigs sound like and they’re basically wild pigs.”

 

*

 

“There it is!” Mathilda was the first to spot the lake. “Looks bigger than I expected.”

“Let’s hope the water is warm,” Amy added.

Mathilda was already sprinting ahead.

“Is she on drugs?” Howard asked, turning to Ralf.

“I wish she shared them with me,” Ralf huffed, wiping the sweat off his forehead.

“We’re almost there, Ralfi,” Sebastian patted his friend on the back. “Once you dive into the water, you’ll feel like a new born baby.”

“I can’t swim.”

“Want me to teach you? It’s not that hard. You just need to be patient and practice.”

“I think I’ll pass."

Hanna squeezed Sebastian’s hand to get his attention. “Leave him in peace,” she whispered.

 

*

 

Mathilda found a great spot to spread the blankets. It was in full sun, but there were trees nearby to store the food in their shadow and for Ralf who didn’t want to tan.

“How is the water?” Amy asked.

Mathilda pulled her shirt off over her head. “I forgot to check. But I’m going in no matter what.”

“Me too,” Sebastian said.

Hanna put her backpack down. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Sebastian take his clothes off. His swimming trunks were only a bit shorter than the usual shorts.

“Are you coming?”

“In a sec.”

“Can you swim, Mathilda?” His attention turned to the younger girl.

“Yes. Let’s race!”

“As you wish!” Sebastian sprinted into the water alongside Mathilda, splashing the water and making a lot of noise.

Hanna took her shirt and shorts off. She checked her bikini – a bandeau top in white-blue stripes and a side-tie bottom. She felt naked from the waist down.

Sebastian and Mathilda were busy checking how deep the lake was. The water wasn’t exactly warm, but Hanna knew she would get used to it.

“Hey, Hanna!” Mathilda spotted her.

Sebastian turned. The way he looked at Hanna's hips made her shiver. A few more steps and her belly was under the water.

“Can you swim, _Schatzi_?” Sebastian asked.

“I can. And I love swimming.”

“Okay, then. Let’s swim.”

“All right!” Mathilda accepted the invitation as well, but after a few metres she decided to stay close to the shore so that Ralf wouldn’t worry.

Sebastian preferred the crawl stroke, Hanna - the breaststroke.

“Nice… really nice,” he commented once they stopped in the middle of the lake. They could still touch the ground with the tips of their toes, but barely.

“I… can’t… breathe…” Hanna panted.

“Oh, my poor bunny. Let me hold you.” He swam up and let her prop herself on his shoulders. “You should’ve gone in your own pace.”

Hanna wanted to explain, but she was still struggling for breath. Sebastian wasn’t winded at all. The droplets hanging from his eyelashes made them look even longer than usual.

“I like when you’re breathing like that… It reminds me of something,” he said.

As he wrapped his arms around her, she clung to his neck… actually to his entire body, feeling her belly and thighs warm against his. And her boobs pressed to his chest.

“I still can’t believe it,” he said, leaning back to look at her. “Remember the floral arrangement competition that you won when we were kids? I think I fell in love with you during the prize giving ceremony. I like flowers, so I was secretly enjoying the show, but… you were the most beautiful flower in the room. I never felt so strong about a girl before. I was actually shocked how intense it felt. There was something really annoying about it, because I had no clue how to deal with my emotions. I just stared at you… You were grinning and blushing and smiling at everyone… It was your smile that made little Sebi fall in love with you.”

“This smile?” Hanna asked, grinning.

“Yes! It’s so radiant and infectious.” He pecked her lips and leaned away.

She was still smiling. “You said you can’t believe it.”

“Right. I used to think that I might have some chance with girls once I’m famous. I knew that girls liked me because I was nice and funny, but they were never into me. Even you… before you left for London, we were great friends, but I was sure you would never fall in love with me, because I just wasn’t handsome enough. And… also I was doing stupid things like keeping Playboys under my bed.”

Hanna laughed. “It was an awkward discovery. But the truth is… I was simply jealous. I wanted to be the only woman in your life, even though I wasn’t exactly a woman yet. You had your needs and I was… still a child.”

“My needs? They weren’t as serious as you might think. I liked the shape of a female body, its softness and curves. I still do. I wasn’t even thinking about sex. Sex seemed too complicated.”

“So… you were just admiring the curves.” Hanna put her fingers through Sebastian’s wet hair. “You weren’t by any chance imagining yourself in action with those ladies?”

“God no! I wouldn’t know what to do.”

“You do now.” She bit her lip seductively.

“I guess…”

“You guess well.”

“Am I boring you with my confessions?” he asked.

“No, never. It’s just… the water is making me cold…”

He winked. “I understand.”

“No, it really is-“

He didn’t let her finish. They started kissing, taking time to look into each other’s eyes and smile.

“I can’t believe I have a girlfriend even though I’m not famous yet… And not just any girlfriend, but the girl of my dreams… You’re not just beautiful outside, but also inside. And funny and smart. And good.”

“Do you want to make me cry?” Hanna asked, cupping Sebastian’s face.

“It’s okay to cry when you’re really happy.”

“Yes, it is, you handsome beast.” As soon as she kissed him, she felt his hands on her butt. “Are you admiring the curves?” she breathed, a strong shiver running down her spine and heating her up like a hot shower.

Squeezing her buttocks, he pressed their hips together. “It was a bad idea…” he winced, shifting away. “Everyone can see us.”

Hanna turned to the shore.

Mathilda was waving at them. “Don’t drown!”

“We won’t!” Sebastian shouted back.

“But if you do, can I eat your sandwiches?”

 

*

 

Trembling with cold, Hanna followed Sebastian to the blanket.

“Sorry, guys, but we were hungry,” Amy said. The rest of their friends just nodded, since their mouths were full.

Sebastian grabbed a towel and spread it on Hanna’s shoulders.

She wrapped it around herself, it was long enough to cover her hips. “I think we stayed in the water too long. Are my lips blue?”

“They are deliciously red. Come here.” Sebastian pulled the girl into his arms.

“That’s so cute,” Mathilda commented before her brother shushed her and told her not to stare.

“Let’s stay in the sun until we’re dry,” Sebastian suggested. “Can I have a sandwich, Ralf?”

“Turkey caprese?”

“Yes, please.”

“Which one do you want, Hanna?”

“Pick one for me.” Hanna sat down on the blanket, the towel still on her shoulders. She was feeling a bit heavy, as if the water sucked the energy out of her. “Ham and Swiss cheese… mmm… Why are your sandwiches so good?” she turned to Ralf after taking a bite.

“It’s the spread,” Mathilda said. “It’s Ralf’s secret recipe.”

A few bites later Hanna started finally getting warm.

“I made you some salad, Sebastian,” Ralf said, rummaging in one of the backpacks. “Do you want it now?”

“Yes. And one more sandwich for Hanna before she eats her own fingers.”

“I was just… licking the spread.”

Sebastian handed her a tissue. “Someone’s a messy eater,” he chuckled, throwing a glance at her lap.

“Oh… shoot…” There were crumbs everywhere.

“You better clean yourself up before ants get to you.”

 

*

 

“I love when my belly is full of good stuff,” Sebastian said, patting his stomach. “Time for some rest. But first… where did you put the sunscreen?”

“Ehm… Somewhere in my backpack.”

“Here!” Ralf tossed them a tube.

“Okay, lose the towel,” Sebastian shifted to his knees.

“Just… behave,” Hanna whispered. “Let’s not make Ralf uncomfortable.”

“He’s reading.”

Hanna glanced over her shoulder; Ralf was nose deep in a book. Mathilda was scouring a meadow, probably catching mice. Amy and Howard had moved their blanket away and they were flat on their stomachs, tanning or napping, or both.

“Let me just…” Hanna snatched the tube, “apply a bit on the front.”

She squeezed a bit of the cream into her palm and spread it over her shoulders, arms and neck. Sebastian was waiting patiently. Well, actually he was staring. Hanna rubbed the cream into the skin on her belly and squeezed a bit more to cover her legs.

“Leave something for me,” Sebastian protested.

“I used a palm-full at most.”

“That’s not what I meant. Can I at least apply it to your back?”

Hanna gave him the tube and turned around.

“I think you should lie down,” Sebastian suggested, his voice almost natural.

Good idea. Hide your face, Hanna, and nobody will notice how turned on you are.

She rested on her belly, hoping that her butt looked okay.

“Can I undo your bra?”

“If you have to.”

He had to.

A few minutes later, Hanna was sure that the sunscreen was rubbed in completely, but Sebastian didn’t seem to care.

“You’re going to get sunburnt if you don’t hurry up,” Hanna said.

“I don’t need it as much as you. I’m already tanned.”

“Not on your back.”

When she heard him sigh, she lifted her head.

“Your legs now.”

“I already put it on my legs.”

“When?”

Hanna sat up and extended her hand. Sebastian gave her the tube and sighed again.

“I feel like swimming a bit more,” he said, looking at the lake.

“Now?” Hanna’s eyes lingered on Sebastian’s back. Before applying the sunscreen, she kissed his shoulder.

He turned his head. “Hello.”

Hanna grinned, pecked his lips and started gently rubbing the cream into his shoulders and neck.

He was unusually quiet.

When she was done, she quickly spread a bit over her thighs.

“Hey! Not fair!” Sebastian grabbed her ankle. Hanna squealed. They had a short fight over the tube, Sebastian won.

Pouting, she pressed her knees together.

“Don’t worry. I’m not going to touch you there,” he whispered.

Hanna grabbed her shoe. Sebastian ducked and the projectile landed on Howard’s butt.

“What the…”

“Sorry!”

Howard tossed the shoe back; Sebastian caught it, shaking his head. “You’re a naughty girl.”

“You are,” Hanna protested, fixing her hair.

“Don’t you want me to touch your sexy legs?” Sebastian looked over Hanna’s shoulder, his face changing.

“I have something for my princess bride!” Mathilda was coming up, a flower crown in her hands.

“There she is!” Hanna pointed at Sebastian and before he got the chance to react, he was wearing a colourful flower crown on his head.

Mathilda burst out laughing. “Ralf! Look at Seb!”

Sebastian made a few funny faces, batting his long eyelashes and pouting his lips.

“I’ll make another one for you too, Hanna.” Mathilda ran back to the meadow.

“Can I borrow your camera, Ralf?” Hanna asked.

Sebastian gently took the crown off. “I think you’ll wear it better.”

“Put it back on and let me take a photo.”

“No. You put it on.”

A short staring contest ended with Sebastian’s victory. Hanna put the crown on her head.

“You look beautiful,” Sebastian said, taking a few pictures. “Now, grin.”

Hanna grinned.

“Can we go somewhere more private?” the boy suggested.

“Just remember that it’s Ralf’s camera.”

“I remember.”

Sebastian grasped her hand and led her through the trees until they reached a secluded area.

“Can you pick flowers or something?”

“I would feel more comfortable if I were wearing shorts…”

“I will only take photos from your waist up.”

“Okay.”

It was hard to act natural. Hanna felt tense and stiff and her every move seemed forced. But when she glanced at Sebastian and he smiled at her, she felt touched by the warmth in his eyes.

“You’re so beautiful.”

“Thank you.” She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

“Your elbow is so beautiful.”

“My elbow?”

“And your shoulders… so… soft.” He reached out to stroke her skin.

“Sebi… don’t touch me while taking pictures. I don’t want Ralf to see… the face.”

“The face?” Sebastian put the camera down.

Hanna grasped his hand and pressed it to her cleavage. “The face I’m making when I’m excited…” she whispered, lifting her chin.

“Oh… wow…”

“Don’t drop the camera,” Hanna warned him before climbing to the tips of her toes to reach the boy’s lips.

Such a shame he was holding the camera, because now he had only one hand available. A naughty hand that moved from Hanna’s waist to her buttock and gripped it hard.

“Let’s make out and then you’ll return the camera to Ralf and I’ll run straight into the lake to cool down,” he proposed.

Hanna waited three seconds. “Okay.”

 

*

 

The fun didn’t last long. Not only were there spiders in the grass, but also Mathilda was getting closer (she was talking to her mom over the phone).

“I think I know why our parents didn’t want us to be alone,” Hanna said, picking the flower crown up from the grass.

“Why is that?”

“You know why.”

 

*

 

When Sebastian was swimming, Mathilda forced Amy and Howard to wear the flower crowns. They were hesitant at first, but when they noticed how pretty they looked, they asked her to take a few photos of them. So Mathilda took them to the meadow for a photo session.

Hanna decided to chat with Ralf. Even though he was sitting in the shadow, Sebastian’s classmate was a bit red on the face and sweaty.

“Do you want to check the water?”

“I forgot my swimming trunks.”

“You should get in with your clothes on. Just take your shoes off and empty your pockets first.”

“I can’t swim.”

“It’s quite shallow. I can go with you.”

Ralf looked around. Mathilda, Howard and Amy were nowhere to be seen.

“Okay, let’s go.”

 

*

 

“It’s not as warm as I expected…” Ralf grimaced after dipping a foot in the water.

“It’s because you’re too hot.”

They stopped when they were immersed to their waists.

“Before I learned to swim, I used to spend a lot of time sitting in the water and collecting stones and seashells,” Hanna recalled. “There are some stones under my feet. Let’s check them out.”

Soon after she sat down, Ralf did the same. “It must look stupid that I’m still wearing my shirt.”

“I’ve seen people bathing in their clothes. It’s a hot day, they’ll get dry in no time.”

“I hope so.”

“They will, don’t worry. Can you skim stones?”

“Yes, but… they need to be really flat.”

“Try this one.” Hanna handed Ralf a small stone.

“Nah… Doesn’t look right.”

“Maybe this one.”

Ralf threw the stone; it bounced but only once.

“Oh! Look at this gem. This one’s perfect.”

“Looks good.”

The stone bounced once, twice…

“Whraaaaaaah!” The water right in front of Hanna exploded and a wild Sebastian appeared.

Hanna screamed, trying to push the boy away; his skin was slick and there was water in her eyes so she had no chance. But she was only resisting for fun, surrendering was fun too.

Sebastian kissed her forehead. “This… creature… looks delicious…” he said in a scratchy voice. “And smells delicious…”

Hanna giggled as his lips brushed her nose.

“Lets eat her!” he growled.

“Ouch!”

“Oh God… I didn’t mean to bite you! It’s because you giggled…”

Hanna pouted, the stinging pain filling her eyes with tears. “So it’s my fault?”

“I’m so sorry…” Sebastian kissed her pout. “It doesn’t look that bad, doesn’t it, Ralf?”

“You should be able to hide the bite marks with a bit of makeup,” Ralf said.

“The bite marks?”

“He’s just joking. Does it hurt?”

“I’m fine.”

“Thankfully, you’re a tough lady.” Sebastian kissed her forehead. “Let’s chill together.”

“We were skimming stones.”

“Oh… nice. How about a small contest?” Sebastian rushed to search for good stones. “Let the best stone-skipper win!”

Since it was hard to find flat stones, the contest was more about luck than skill. But Sebastian won anyway. Ralf and Hanna didn’t mind – they loved when Sebastian was happy.

 

*

 

It was a great day. It ended with a delicious dinner back in the cabin (spaghetti carbonara – one of Sebastian’s favourites), followed by a low-key pyjama party in the great room which consisted mostly in watching Monty Python’s Flying Circus.

Hanna had already known most of their sketches, so she was discreetly enjoying Sebastian’s reactions. He was letting out those cute short laughs she loved so much.

Ralf was the first to bail out. Hanna kept yawning, but Mathilda, Amy and Howard were still enjoying the show.

It was almost midnight when the guests finally decided to call it a day.

Hanna made a short trip to the bathroom to pee and brush her teeth. There were no bite marks on her nose, but it was still red from the sun and it smarted.

She met Sebastian in the corridor.

“I’ll be right with you,” he whispered.

“Okay.”

Okay?! It couldn’t cover what she really felt. There was excitement, a bit of tension, impatience and joy in her. She wasn’t yawning any more. She was buzzing with energy!

In the bedroom, she got rid of her bra and jumped under the blanket. The bed squeaked maliciously.

Sebastian returned a couple of minutes later. As soon as he locked the door, he took his shirt off.

“Tired?” he asked, getting into the bed which squeaked again.

Hanna cringed. “What is with this bed?”

Sebastian bounced on the mattress a few times. “Not good.”

“I don’t remember it being so loud yesterday,” Hanna said.

“You mean when we were… canoodling?” He wiggled his eyebrows. “The birds were really loud. But now the nature is asleep. You know who might not be sleeping though? Mathilda. She’s waiting for the boars to show up.”

“How do you know?”

“She asked if I had a flashlight.”

Hanna sighed. “It really is quiet…” she agreed. “Even Amy and Howard are quiet.”

“Maybe we should check out the other bed.”

“Mathilda’s bed is on the other side of the wall…”

Sebastian shuffled on the bed. “Very annoying…” he grunted, looking around the room. “Is the floor squeaky too?”

“I don’t think so.”

He grabbed a pillow and dropped it on the carpet. “It might be a stupid idea, but I really want to… canoodle with you,” he confessed, sitting on the pillow and extending his hand to the girl.

Hanna felt her mouth get dry. Should she kneel or sit? He obviously wanted her astride his lap…

“You think it’s stupid…” he said, a hint of anxiousness in his voice.

“No! Let me just turn the light off,” Hanna said, her skin heating up already.

The night was dark. As she carefully stepped up to the boy, he grasped her hand and helped her get comfortable.

“Gosh… that’s close…” she breathed, crossing her legs behind his back.

She felt Sebastian’s warm breathing on her face. “Just perfect,” he whispered, putting his hands on her bum. She felt tingling right where their bodies were nicely pressed together.

“You’re hot…” Hanna whispered. She meant literally.

“You smell like a cupcake.”

They started kissing and touching. It was the best position ever.

“Your body’s so perfect… I couldn’t stop staring today… Your bum…” His hands shifted south again to give her a gentle squeeze. “So sexy…”

Hanna wanted to reply, but her throat was too tight. Besides, Sebastian’s hands were too distracting to focus on words.

“You know what else is sexy?”

“What?” she asked, seeking his plump lips.

He showed her. Pressing their foreheads together, he started caressing her boobies… Slowly rocking her hips, she listened to his breathing and he listened to hers.

They seem to get closer every second. There was more and more Sebastian between her legs.

“This is so nice…” she whispered, trying to find the right angle for both of them.

“Oh… God…” he moaned quietly, forgetting about her boobs and grabbing her bum again.

_Oh, yes. Right there._ Hanna picked up the pace, flexing her muscles.

“I-… I can’t hold back…” Sebastian moaned.

“Then don’t.”

“But…”

Hanna leaned back to push her hips slightly forward and started moving in a pace that felt… very naughty. The tension between her legs was extremely intense… almost like an itch… an irritating itch that could only be cured by fast rubbing.

_Oh… so close…_ She had to remind herself to stay quiet.

Sebastian froze.

_So… so close…_

“Hanna…” the boy gasped, pulling her into his arms.

She clung to him, lifting herself a bit and then it happened.

Fireworks in the darkness. Sebastian’s shaking gasps, sweat on his neck, sweat on their tights. The wetness of the fabric between her legs and on her belly… An eternal bliss compacted into a few seconds.

When it was over, she blinked hazily. “I love you,” she whispered straight into Sebastian’s ear.

“I love you too, my delicious cupcake…”

As they were cuddling on the carpet in silence, Hanna felt tears coming to her eyes. She remembered the solitary days a few years back when she worried that something was wrong with her. The intimate things that used to worry her, turned out the most wonderful experiences she had so far. Because of Sebastian. Because he was the one.

"Are you okay?" he asked, probably alarmed by her snivelling.

"I'm the happiest girl in the world."

"Me too. I meant... the happiest person." He kissed her delicately. "Let's go to bed."

Hanna picked herself up clumsily. Sebastian crawled into the bed after her.

“Are you going for a jog in the morning again?” she asked, resting her head on his chest.

“No. I’ll jog later. But wake me up as soon as you wake up.”

“Even if I just need to go to pee at four in the morning?” Right when she said it, she remembered the mind-blowing touch of Sebastian’s hand.

He laughed softly. “Sounds like a plan.”


	19. Checkup

_September, 2005_

Hanna put the tastiest lip gloss on and looked out the window in her room. Sebastian was already five minutes late.

Right when she grabbed her phone, it vibrated in her hand. “Hi, Amy!”

“Hi, are you free to talk?”

“I’m waiting for Sebastian. We’re going clothes shopping.”

“I just wanted to let you know that we’re back from Ibiza! I’ll send you a few photos. I hope you had a nice Summer too.”

“I was in Italy with my family. Same spot as always.”

“What about Sebastian?”

“He was at a training camp for Red Bull juniors. Then in August he raced at Nurburgring and in the Netherlands. But we managed to have some fun here, in Heppenheim.”

“And by fun you mean you were forced to train with him?”

“Well, I actually enjoyed it. I lost three kilograms… and then gained two in Italy. I just love Italian food.”

“I gained a bit of weight too, but now I’m so busy with the school, I don’t even have time for snacks!”

“That bad, huh? My schedule is okay. Sebastian often walks me home. As long as he is at school at all. There are still two rounds of the F3 season left. And there's the Macau GP in December, which is in China so he'll miss at least a week of school."

“But he’s doing so well! You must be proud of him.”

“I am. Four second places since we came back from Schwarzwald, that’s impressive. I’m stunned by his skills. I know he’s disappointed that he hasn’t won a race this year, but it’s just a matter of time. He’s impressing the right people and I’m sure his carrier is on the right track.”

“He doesn’t need school then.”

“Well, it would be nice to finish it. He’ll have time for studying during the winter break.”

“He’s a smart dude.”

“A smart dude who can’t buy fitting jeans,” Hanna laughed. “And is always late.”

“You love him anyway.”

“I do. Speaking of the devil, he just arrived. I’ll call you later.”

“Okay, take care.”

 

*

 

They were kissing until there was no trace of lip gloss left on Hanna’s lips.

“Mom said I should get a haircut,” Sebastian said, pulling away from the driveway. “I told her that I couldn’t do that to you, because you love my hair too much.”

Hanna immediately reached out to run her fingers through his hair. “I do. But if you’re not comfortable-”

“I’m very comfortable. And I love when you do that.”

Hanna always enjoyed sitting in the passenger seat next to Sebastian. She could watch him drive for hours. Usually she was getting sick when she wasn't focused on the road, but not with Seb.

“I miss our favourite thing,” she said softly.

They’re eyes met for a second.

“I miss it too,” he said.

Sleeping in one bed was their new favourite thing. Well, not exactly sleeping… Doing things in bed. Or on the floor. And being able to cuddle and fall asleep together afterwards.

“Let’s get me some jeans, and then I’ll drive us somewhere more private, and we'll fix this situation,” he added with a promising smile.

 

*

 

“These are way too tight.”

“No, they’re not.”

“Stop staring at my crotch. It’s making me uneasy.”

“At least this time your zipper is up.”

“Don’t stare!”

“I’m not staring. I just don’t get why you think they’re tight.”

“I need more space in certain places.”

“But if you go one size up, the legs will be too long.”

“Nothing new.”

Hanna sighed. “Okay, stay here, I’ll get you a bigger pair.”

On her way back she also snatched a nice blue pullover from the shelf. As she was returning to the fitting room, she heard Sebastian’s excited voice.

“Yes, that would be amazing. Of course I do!”

She sneaked inside.

“Okay, I’ll be waiting. Take care.” He made a move as if to shove his phone into a pocket before he realized that he had no trousers on. “I need to sit down…”

“What was that about?” Despite her efforts, Hanna’s gaze shifted to the boy’s crotch again.

“Mario Theissen from BMW. Remember how I won 18 out of the 20 races last season in the BMW ADAC series?”

"Of course."

“They will let me drive their F1 car as a reward. During the first day of testing… A Formula 1 car! I’m… shaking…” He pulled her into his arms so quickly, she dropped all the clothes on the floor. “I’m so happy!!!”

“Yeah… I can see that,” she laughed.

“I’m freaking out a bit,” he admitted, leaning away. “Shit, I’m not ready. I mean, my neck… I need to change my training routine!”

Hanna climbed onto the tips of her toes and kissed him. Once, twice… he kissed back.

His kisses were crazy when he was freaking out. So crazy, Hanna felt tingling everywhere.

“Okay… I’m getting too excited…” He grimaced, throwing a glance down. “I need some trousers…”

_Don’t look down, don’t look down…_ Hanna felt her cheeks smart. “When is the testing?”

“At the end of September. I can’t wait to tell my dad! Would you come to my place? I know we were supposed to… stay in the car, but-“

“It’s okay. Try these jeans first. And then this pullover.”

“Mario said that someone will call me next week and ask me a few questions in English,” he said zipping the jeans up. “And there will be a photo session after the test.”

“I’m proud of you.”

“My face is up here.”

“Oh… I’m sorry…”

Sebastian laughed. “I’m just joking.” He kissed her temple. “I know you hate skipping school, but will you go to Spain with me?”

_How could I say ‘no’ looking into those pretty eyes?_ “I would love to,” she replied.

 

*

 

During the next few weeks Sebastian spent a lot of time in his garage-gym, doing weird exercises that were supposed to strengthen his neck.

Hanna often visited him there, sometimes to work out next to him, sometimes to just watch.

At the end of every training, Sebastian would stretch himself out on a bench, wet clothes clinging to his thighs, belly and chest. He would close his eyes for a while, giving Hanna an opportunity to study his body.

Was he feeling it? Could he feel her gaze on his neck and his flat belly?

Her stare would linger on his crotch. Since the trip to Schwarzwald she felt drawn to it in an almost obsessive way.

_It’s just a penis_ , she tried to reason with herself. _No, not just a penis. It’s Sebastian’s penis. It is… important._

She couldn’t count how many times she felt like rolling her eyes because of her own silly thoughts.

 

*

 

When the interviewer called, Hanna was just coming back from the bathroom in Sebastian’s house. She stopped by the door and listened.

“I’ve been steadily building up my neck muscles to be able to withstand the enormous g-forces I’ll face. I’m really looking forward to experiencing the performance of the BMW V10 engine. At the moment, I find it hard to imagine that kind of power. I get goose bumps just thinking about driving the FW27 next week!”

Only after the interview was over, Hanna entered the room. “Your English is great.”

“It is? Sounds very German too me…” Sebastian confessed, his cheeks red with excitement.

“Just a bit, but it’s a matter of practice.”

“I’ll practice in Spain. By the way, my dad's coming with us. He insisted on booking you a separate room.”

Hanna grinned.

“Why are you grinning?”

“You know why.”

 

*

 

_Jerez, September 26, 2005_

He was excited the entire flight to Spain. He was excited when they were having dinner and still excited when he was going for a jog late in the evening.

Hanna took a shower, getting excited as well, but for a different reason. She knew he would come to her hotel room, sooner or later.

_I should’ve put something more sexy on_ , she thought, checking herself in the mirror. Her sleeping clothes weren’t very seductive. Her younger brother had similar pyjamas…

_Where is that boy? What if he got lost? Or sprained an ankle?_

Getting a bit worried, she grabbed her phone. “Where are you?” she wrote to him.

She was sure he would call straight away, but her phone remained silent.

Five minutes later, when she was already chewing on her fingernails, someone knocked.

“Finally! I started to worry.”

Sebastian went straight to the bed and collapsed on the duvet. “Help me. I'm dying." His face was as white as his t-shirt. He was also wearing grey shorts and that was it, because as he was stretching himself out on the bed, Hanna could easily see the shape of... things.

"What's wrong?" She sat next to him and started caressing his hair.

"I was on my way back when I felt so sick I threw up on the grass. I came back to my room soaked in cold sweat. Dad thought it was from running. I had to take a long hot shower to warm myself up. My stomach hurts. And I feel exhausted."

“Are you still nauseous?”

“Only when I move."

“Don’t move then.” She bent down to press her lips to his forehead.

“Can I have a sip of water?”

“Of course.” She handed him a glass.

“I brushed my teeth two times, but I still have a bad taste in my mouth…”

Hanna sighed, watching him drink. “I hope you’ll feel better in the morning,” she said. “Lie down. I’ll cuddle you to sleep.”

“Have you set the alarm on your phone?”

“When do you want to wake up?”

“At seven.”

“I hope your dad won’t come looking for you.”

“He’s good. Now he can snore as loud as he wants.”

Smiling, Hanna put her phone away and turned the light off. “The test will be amazing, you’ll see,” she said, shifting closer to the boy.

“I hope so.”

Hanna kissed Sebastian’s head, feeling his hand in her waist.

To her surprise, he got silent. Maybe he really was exhausted. She kept caressing his hair, listening to his breathing.

His scent and his warmth made her drowsy. She had no idea how much time had passed, when he suddenly sat up and turned the light on.

Hanna blinked a few times. “Are you sick again?”

“No… Just thirsty.” He refilled the glass. “Can I leave the light on? I can’t sleep so I thought that maybe I could watch you sleeping.”

“What time is it?”

“It’s almost midnight.”

Hmm… turned out she had actually slept a bit, though it felt like a moment. “You have to get some sleep, Sebi.”

“Tell it to my brain.”

After putting the glass on the nightstand, he rested on his side, studying her.

“You’re nervous about the test, aren’t you?” she asked, reaching out to touch his chin.

“I did all I could,” he said. “But I don’t feel stronger. All those neck exercises and it didn’t get any thicker. I measured it.”

“It’s thick enough,” Hanna said softly, her fingers brushing the body part they were talking about.

She could see Sebastian’s pupils dilate at her touch. _This is what he needs_ , she realized. _A bit of love… Or more than a bit._

Sebastian shifted onto his back and heaved a deep sigh. “I don’t know if you understand the difference in power between the car that I’m driving in F3 and an F1 car, _Hasi_ ,” he said, his eyes fixed on the ceiling. “It’s… not for boys. It’s for real men. You need… big balls to drive a machine like that. I don’t feel ready… I mean, mentally? Sure. But physically…”

Hanna narrowed her eyes. “Let me do some check-ups and I’ll tell you if you’re ready,” she said, her voice getting tense.

The moment her lips brushed his skin, he gasped. Hanna started gently kissing his neck, going from the spot right below his ear to his Adam’s apple.

“Looks impressive.”

“I’m starting to get… excited… Do you want me to get excited or-“

“Yes,” Hanna cut in, lifting herself up to look the boy in the eye. “Your neck is more than okay. What else did you say you needed to drive an F1 car?”

His eyes growing bigger, he opened his mouth, but no sound came out.

“You said something about boys and men…” Hanna slipped a hand under the duvet, nervous because of what she was about to do, but nothing would change the fact that she really wanted to do it.

She was glad the light was on and she could see the shock and then the grimace of bliss on Sebastian’s face after she rested a hand on his crotch.

He squeezed his eyelids shut and took a shaky breath. He didn’t comment, just kept his eyes closed, as if waiting.

Hanna lightly moved her hand… The fabric of Seb’s shorts was so thin, she could feel the boy’s pubic hair under her fingertips.

_There you are, my precious._

Hanna's mouth got completely dry and she was feeling so tense as if she was performing an extremely complicated procedure.

“I don’t know what I’m doing.” Darn it! She said it out loud!

Sebastian opened his eyes. “Doesn’t matter.” His voice was throaty and hot. “Just please, don’t stop.” He closed his eyes again and sighed.

Hanna recalled how he used to touch her. He had had no experience yet it had worked anyway. So she kept gently stroking the fabric, delicately as if petting a tiny animal… trying to feel what was going on underneath… and getting turned on by it.

She was feeling quite confident when he wasn’t looking at her, but when he opened his eyes, Hanna froze.

“Here…” He grasped her hand and closed her fingers on the fabric wrapped around his hardness. “Like this.” He lightly pushed and pulled on her wrist. “Oh… Good…”

Oh, that blissful grimace again. His face was hypnotizing.

They were covered, so she couldn’t see his body and he couldn’t see her hand, but… she started to understand why he had asked for the bigger pair of jeans.

“I declare you fit to drive an F1 car,” Hanna whispered. “You’re not just a man. You’re my superman.”

He smiled before his face twisted again. “You’re my queen,” he moaned. “I love you… so… ahh…”

At the sound of his moans, Hanna’s hips rocked uncontrollably. “Sebi…”

“Yes?”

“Would you… touch me, please?”

“Yes, your majesty.”

She was feeling wetness between her legs, and wetness under her fingers. His touch was mind blowing, but it didn’t distract her from her task.

“Oh God… go faster…” He started panting.

“Like this?” Watching him get close was the hottest thing ever. And there were also his fingers, even though he seemed way to distracted by her hand to focus on touching her.

“Yes…” He gasped, his cheeks and ears burning red. “God!!!” His hand involuntary clenched on Hanna’s wet panties. And it clenched hard, making her squirm, but not with pain.

So much tension to release… a sea… an ocean…

Her hand on his body, his hand on hers, they shared the same bliss and again – it seemed more intense than the last time.

Shivering with aftershocks, Hanna opened her eyes.

There was nothing more beautiful than the sight of Sebastian’s satisfied face.

He grasped her hand, the hand that was touching him a moment ago, and kissed it. “Guess what…” he smiled. “I have-“

“-a new favourite thing,” Hanna cut in.

He just grinned.

“Try to get some sleep, _Schatzi._ ”

“It shouldn’t be a problem. I feel high… and warm and… happy and loved.”

Hanna smiled. She’d never been more proud of herself.

 

*

 

_Jerez, September 27, 2005_

She could see he was nervous, his hands shaking as he was putting the white BMW racing suit on.

“You look amazing."

“If you ignore my face.”

“There’s nothing wrong with your face. I love it,” Hanna assured him before kissing him on the lips.

“I need to stop thinking about last night…” he whispered.

Someone knocked on the door.

Sebastian stepped away from Hanna and grabbed a Red Bull cap. “Yes?”

One of the BMW engineers entered the room. “We just had an engine failure,” he said. “We’ll try to fix it as quickly as possible. Hopefully, you’ll get a few laps.”

“Oh… okay.” Sebastian managed to hide his disappointment.

The engineer left.

“I better go with him,” Sebastian decided. “I'm sure I'll learn something even if I don't get to drive.”

 

*

 

“I don’t like staying in the garage,” _Herr_ Vettel said to Hanna as they were approaching a fence close to the track. “It’s tough enough even without family members getting in your way.”

Hanna wrapped her arms around herself.

"Are you cold?"

“Just a bit nervous.”

“Don’t be.” He rubbed her shoulder. “Sebastian’s born to do this. He might be young, but his brain is like a computer. It used to scare me how quickly he was learning and improving. He’s a genius.”

“He is.” Feeling weirdly emotional, Hanna stepped up and hugged Sebastian’s dad.

_Herr_ Vettel seemed totally comfortable with her behaviour. Maybe because he had two daughters, or maybe because in his family hugging was of daily occurrence.

“By the way… I hope my son’s treating you properly.”

Hanna blushed a bit. “Yes, he is. He’s a true gentleman.”

“That’s good.” _Herr_ Norbert smiled broadly. “I’m glad he has you.”

This whole conversation made Hanna so warm inside, she forgot about the nerves and when she finally spotted the BMW leaving the garage, she nearly squealed with excitement.

“There he comes!” _Herr_ Vettel sounded ecstatic as well.

Sebastian’s first laps were careful and slow, but once he felt more confident, he accelerated a bit.

Because of the engine failure, he completed only 25 laps.

 

*

 

She discreetly watched him as he was giving interviews in German and in English. The photographers took a lot of pictures of him in the car and next to the car, helmet-off.

When they finally caught up, his dad hugged him first. “So? How was it?”

“It was tough,” Sebastian confessed. “I shat myself for the first couple of laps and I thought, alright, that's for real men, not for me. Then I got used to it and now I want more.”

Hanna stepped up to him and grasped his hands. “I knew you would be great.”

“I wasn’t that great. I was three seconds off Mark’s time. And my neck hurts like hell.”

“Practice makes perfect,” _Herr_ Vettel said.

Hanna noticed a spark in Sebastian’s eye. “Yes, it does,” he said, smiling at her. “So we better keep practicing. I mean… I better keep practicing.”

“Exactly, step by step and you’ll get where you want to be,” Sebastian’s dad added.

Sebastian kept looking Hanna in the eye, his face getting more serious.

She pictured a house… their home, their bedroom and their bed… And in that bed, the two of them being one…

She noticed his pupils dilate as if he could see her thoughts.

“Thank you for being here with me,” he whispered. “And for boosting my confidence.”

Hanna pressed her lips to his. Just for a second, because his dad was watching. “It was my pleasure,” she said.


	20. Macau

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can watch the Macau Race here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DdkVgvbOGdU

_14 November 2005, Monday_

Unbuttoning her coat in a hurry, Hanna stormed into her room, dropped her bag on the floor and ran straight to the desk.

Sebastian was currently living in a different time zone. She was supposed to see him on Skype around four in the afternoon, before he would go to sleep. Unfortunately, since she had become chief editor of the school paper, there were constantly issues she had to take care of after classes.

It was almost five when she clicked on the Skype icon.

Sebastian was off-line.

_It must be midnight in Macau. I guess he fell asleep waiting._

The air turned cold and unpleasant as if someone just opened a window. Almost as cold as two days ago, when Sebastian stopped by to say goodbye.

 

_*_

 

_Two days earlier_

That one time he wasn’t late. Even if he would’ve arrived fifteen minutes later Hanna wouldn’t be ready anyway. She was never ready to say goodbye to him.

Her mom had already let him in. “Would you care for a tea?”

“Not this time. Stefani’s waiting to drive me and dad to Frankfurt. We want to get to the airport before there's too much traffic.”

“Right. You don’t want to be late for your flight,” Hanna’s dad said, joining his wife. “Hanna is-”

“Here.”

The second Sebastian spotted her, a smile appeared on his face, but his eyes weren’t filled with the usual joy. Because it wasn’t a joyful moment.

“Can I speak to Hanna privately?” he asked.

“Of course!” Hanna’s parents retreated to the kitchen.

Hanna extended her hand. “Come to my room for a second.”

“Let me just take my shoes off.” He managed to do it without unlacing them.

Feeling a lump in her throat, Hanna led them to her room. Once they were alone, she wrapped her arms around Sebastian’s torso and buried her face in his shoulder.

She expected him to say something like: there, there, I’m not dying. But he just embraced her without a word.

Seconds were passing like drops leaking from a broken mug.

“I will miss you,” he said before pressing his lips to her forehead.

He smelled of an aftershave she had bought for him. But most of all he smelled… like Sebastian. It was a scent she couldn’t buy or bottle up to save for later.

“I have bad feelings,” she said, her voice quivering.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m worried that something bad will happen to you.”

“On the plane?”

“No, during the race.”

“Accidents happen, but they aren’t really dangerous. Racing cars are crash-tested. I’m safe inside the cockpit.”

“Either way, be careful.”

“I will.” He grasped her chin to tilt her head up. And for a sweet while, as they were kissing, Hanna was feeling good and warm.

“I have to go.”

Cold. Cold and worried again.

She got seriously choked up when she was walking him to the door.

“Good luck, Sebastian,” Hanna’s mom appeared as he was putting his shoes on. “And have a safe journey.”

Sebastian hugged her mom and dad while Hanna was trying not to burst out crying.

He noticed it when their eyes met. He smiled delicately and said: “I love you.”

In her parents’ presence! He’d never said that in other people’s company before.

Hanna’s throat closed with emotion, tears streaming down her cheeks. “I love you too.”

As soon as Sebastian left, she ran to her room. Sniffling, she watched him walk to his dad’s car. He couldn’t see her, but he waved to her anyway, his lips pressed together in a cute, slightly uncomfortable smile.

 

*

 

 

_Today_

She was so looking forward to talk to Sebastian. Such a shame she couldn't get home in time.

She decided to type in a message for him: I’m sorry we couldn’t chat. I had to stay at school, because-

The little icon next to his name turned green.

“Hallo, _Hasi_!” he reached out as if to touch the screen.

Hanna barely kept herself from jumping around the room with happiness. “I thought you were sleeping!”

“No, I was taking a shower. The jetlag’s giving me a hard time.”

“What happened to your hair?”

He touched his fluffy hairdo. “The humidity makes it frizzy. Don’t you like my afro?” he chuckled.

“I love it,” Hanna admitted, wishing she could touch it or press her lips to it. “So… how’s the city?”

“It’s incredible. So huge! Looks amazing especially after dark. Unfortunately, I didn’t have much time for sightseeing. Just a little when I was doing the track walk with my engineers.”

“Is the track easier or harder than the one in Monaco?”

“More or less the same.”

Hanna felt heaviness in her stomach. Sebastian’s last race in Monaco didn’t go too well. “Are you alone?”

He cocked an eyebrow. “Why?”

“I’m just wondering where your dad is.”

“He was sleeping when I was working. So now he’s completely awake. I think he went to buy some food.”

“In the middle of the night?”

“It’s Macau, princess, not Heppenheim.”

“But aren’t you worried about him? He doesn’t speak English.”

“He just points with his finger and they sell him whatever he wants,” Sebastian laughed. “Our room is next to Robert’s. He already raced here a few times so he showed me around.”

“Robert?”

“Kubica. When I was driving for Mücke Motorsport in Formula 4, he was in their Formula 3 team. He’ll be a test driver for BMW Sauber next year.” The boy adjusted the camera. “You look pretty. How was your day?”

“It was okay,” Hanna forced herself to smile. “I had to stay at school because of the paper. I had an argument with a girl who’s always late with articles… and now people say I’m bossy.”

“Well… it’s your responsibility to get the paper printed on time, so… you’re just doing your job.”

“I guess you can’t always be nice.”

“So your day wasn’t okay after all,” Sebastian noticed. “I wish I could hug you.”

Hanna felt warm chills, imagining Sebastian’s arms around her. “You’ll hug me when you come back.”

“I will… and more…” He bit his lip, which meant… yeah, he had naughty thoughts. “I keep thinking about… what you did in Jerez.”

Hanna felt her cheeks heat up. “What did I do?” Haha… She knew exactly what he had in mind. She just wanted him to keep talking about it.

“You know what.” He fidgeted. “Your hand on my…” he lowered his voice, “on my joystick.”

“On your what?”

“That’s a great word for it, isn’t it?”

“I’m not so sure…”

“I surely felt a lot of joy when you were-” Sebastian turned his head. “Good to see you back, dad. Hanna was worried that you’ll get lost.”

“I was only downstairs. Hello,” Herr Norbert waved at Hanna. “You should be sleeping, Sebastian. I mean it.”

“I know…”

“We can talk tomorrow.”

“I’ll try to get in touch.”

“Okay. Sleep well.”

“Goodnight.”

 

*

 

An hour later when Hanna was doing her homework, she suddenly burst out laughing.

“What happened?” her mom asked, ducking her head into the room.

“I just remembered something funny Sebastian said. But I can’t tell you.”

Her mom just rolled her eyes and left.

 

*

 

_The next day_

“She thinks she can boss people around because she’s rich,” she heard a girl say when she was passing by.

Hanna bit her tongue and kept walking. _Maybe I should resign from editing that stupid school paper… Yes, I’m rich. But at least I’m not lazy!_

“Hanna…”

“I’m in a hurry!”

“I just need a second.”

She was so pissed, she hasn’t recognized Ralf’s voice.

“Sorry, Ralf. How are you?”

Sebastian’s classmate looked at her with concern. “You look like you could use a break. Let’s go somewhere quiet.”

They sat on a bench next to a classroom that was under renovation.

“Want one?” Ralf asked, unwrapping a Twix.

“Sure. Thank you.” The chocolate made Hanna feel a bit better. “I’m actually glad that we’re talking, because I need to ask you a favour.”

“Go on.”

“Miss Huber wants an article about Sebastian’s season in Formula 3, but if I write it, some people will say that I’m bragging because he’s my boyfriend.”

“You want me to write it for you? No problem.”

“Thank you.”

“Listen… about the race on Sunday. I know Mathilda invited you to our place to watch it together, but we just found out that mom’s going to work on Saturday night, so she’ll be back from the nightshift.”

“Oh, okay… Come to my house then. We can watch it in my room.”

“That would be great. We’ll bring food.”

“I doubt I will be able to eat. I’m way too nervous when Sebastian’s racing.”

“I’m sure your appetite will come back after the race.”

Hanna fiddled with the strap on her bag. “Maybe I shouldn’t watch it at all…”

“Why?”

“I have this feeling since Sebastian left that something bad would happen. I found a few clips from previous races in Macau and… that track is ridiculous. You know Monaco, right? It’s even worse because there will be thirty cars and they don’t have the skills of the F1 drivers.”

“They also don’t drive as fast as the F1 drivers, Hanna.”

“Yeah… but… I’m still worried. I can’t help it. Don’t be surprised if I throw up when you come to visit.”

“We could go to church before the race and pray for Sebastian’s safety,” Ralf suggested.

Hanna looked up. “That’s actually… not a bad idea. If only we can make it before the race.”

“I think we can.” Ralf rose. “I have to go. Say hi to Sebastian if you’ll talk to him.”

“I will.”

 

*

 

November was Hanna’s least favourite month of the year. The leafless trees looked depressing, it was getting dark early and there was no snow yet.

If only Sebastian was home… the walks from school would’ve been more enjoyable.

He was great at keeping her hands warm. Now she was rummaging in her bag to find some gloves. She had to stop walking to fish them out. It got strangely quiet, no cars passing by as if the street next to the park was closed.

As she was putting the gloves on, she felt someone watching her.

She looked around. There was a man standing next to the fountain that she had passed a while ago. He was wearing a hoodie under a black leather jacket so she couldn’t see his face, but she could feel his stare.

Hanna dropped a glove. Without picking it up, she walked away fast.

An instinct told her not to run, but to look for other people and try to avoid empty streets.

_Maybe I should call dad… Or maybe I should at least pretend that I’m calling someone…_

When she was passing a group of people, she glanced over her shoulder. The sidewalk behind her was empty. So was the sidewalk in front of her when she finally reached the street she lived on.

She suddenly remembered that nobody was home, because her mom was at work and her dad went to the dentist with Timmy.

_Don’t drop the keys!_

Her hands were cold and shaking, but she managed to slip the key into the keyhole at the first attempt.

She got inside and locked the door.

_Okay, Hanna, get your shit together. Nobody was following you. The guy was just standing there. Maybe he was waiting for someone. Stop freaking out._

She took her shoes and coat off and went to her room.

Home alone. See you on Skype? she wrote to Sebastian and was about to unpack her bag when her phone rang.

“Hi, the Internet’s not working again,” Sebastian said. “How was your day?”

“It was… normal,” she said, feeling like a liar. “I was a bit annoyed with some stuff, but I spoke to Ralf and he made me feel better.”

“What stuff?”

“School related. Nothing important.” _Don’t mention the man in the hoodie! You will only make him worried._ “Ralf and Mathilda will visit me on Sunday and we’ll watch the race together.”

“Good. Keep your fingers crossed for me.”

“Always. How are you doing?”

“I’m okay. I mean… it sounds like fun, all those racing events and fan meetings, but it’s exhausting. Sometimes I just wish I could sit in silence for an hour and not do anything. I sneaked out to Robert’s room last night because he couldn’t sleep either and we played on his laptop… Dad was furious when he woke up. I just… I need a moment to relax when nobody is telling me what to do. I’m not like my dad. Turns out, he can sleep whenever he wants. He just lies down and a few minutes later he’s asleep. And I keep thinking about the car, about the race, about the track and all the things that I have to do… I often think about you and wonder how are you doing and if you need me…”

“I’m doing fine,” Hanna cut in. “Don’t worry about me.”

“I’m not worried. I mean, I know that you can take care of yourself, but I miss seeing you and being close to you. If I’ll ever get to drive in F1, will you travel with me?”

“Yes! I will!” Hanna exclaimed, her voice louder than she intended. “I’ll follow you and support you wherever you will go.”

 

*

 

After the conversation ended, Hanna stretched out on her bed, staring at the ceiling. She missed Sebastian even more than before he had called.

She recalled his words: I know that you can take care of yourself.

 _Can I?_ she wondered. _Today I wish you could take care of me._ _I need you to make me feel safe again._

_But you’re too far away._

 

*

 

_20 November 2005, Sunday_

“I’m still cold,” Hanna said, switching the TV in her room on.

“I think the air in the church was colder than outside,” Ralf added, reaching for a croissant.

“I was praying so hard I felt warm inside.” Mathilda stepped up to a shelf where Hanna kept a few toys from her childhood, mostly teddy bears. “I knew you were going to pray for Sebastian’s safety, so I figured… someone should pray for him to win the race, right?”

Hanna smiled. “I’m glad you covered that. You can have my croissant, if you want to. I’m too stressed to eat.”

“It’s not healthy to skip breakfast,” Ralf said.

“I’ll eat something once the race is over.”

“Yes, you will. Leave the croissant, Mathilda. Hanna will eat it later.”

“I already touched it.”

Ralf sighed.

“There’s more food in the kitchen. Oh, is that it?” Hanna asked after finding the Eurosport channel.

“Hello and welcome live to Macau,” said the commentator. The cars were already lined on the grid.

Hanna put the remote control on the table and huddled on her bed.

“Which one’s Seb?” Mathilda asked.

“Yellow nose.”

“Ah, right!”

“There’s so many of them,” Hanna noticed.

“It’s not that bad. At least it’s not raining. Hey, relax,” Mathilda sat next to her and grasped her hand. “He’ll kick everybody’s butt. You’ll see.”

“I just want him to be safe.” As the warm-up lap began, Hanna’s heart was already racing.

“Looks like Sebastian’s friend Robert is second,” Ralf said.

“Yes, he has more experience, because he already raced there.”

The commentator started to read the names and Hanna, despite the anxiousness, felt very proud to see Sebastian’s name on the screen.

There were 27 cars in total.

“So, Sebastian was P12 in the qualifying race yesterday, and he managed to go four places up. I think he should try to do that again,” Mathilda said.

Hanna sighed. “It’s easy to say…”

“That track is really terrifying,” Ralf added.

“I agree.” Hanna cringed at the view from the onboard camera of the pole-sitter, Loic Duval.

“You’re two chickens,” Mathilda commented. “Go, Seb! Go! Oh... sorry, I hope your brother’s not sleeping.”

“Not anymore…” Hanna laughed. “Okay. Here we go.”

The race started. Hanna was squeezing Mathilda’s hand as they watched Sebastian overtake two cars at the start.

 _Please, don’t crash. Please, don’t crash_ , she was chanting in her mind when the cars were approaching the Lisbon corner where the track was getting very narrow.

The cameras were showing a queue of cars following each other.

“Where is Seb? Where is he?” Mathilda frowned.

“I think he’s sixth,” Ralf guessed. “Nobody crashed. That’s quite impressive.”

They had to wait until the end of the first lap to see Sebastian’s yellow nose.

“He’s fourth!!!” Mathilda jumped forward as if she wanted to grab the TV set. “He did it! Four positions up already!”

Hanna couldn’t believe her own eyes, but Sebastian was really racing in fourth position behind Loic Duval, Robert Kubica and Lucas Di Grassi.

“Let’s hope the guy behind him is not too ambitious…” Ralf said.

“Oh, boy, so close to the podium!” Mathilda added.

Hanna frowned. _Yeah, that’s exactly what Sebastian must be thinking right now._ But he didn’t seem fast enough to challenge the guys ahead. At least not at the moment…

The race leader was already building himself a nice gap; he seemed way faster than the rest.

Meanwhile, Lucas Di Grassi managed to overtake Robert Kubica.

“Now Sebastian’s following the guy he was hanging out with for almost a week,” Hanna said. “They raced each other on Robert’s laptop…”

“Now they do it for real,” Ralf added.

Hanna’s concern was the guy behind Sebastian; he was uncomfortably close.

A massage popped up on the screen: Loic Duval – Jump start – Drive Through Penalty. Loic Duval was the super fast race leader.

“Yes!!!” Mathilda raised her hands in a celebratory gesture. “Sebastian’s going to be third! We’ll see him on the podium!”

“Calm down, Mathilda, or you’ll wake up the entire neighbourhood,” Ralf said. “And stop jumping… I can’t see a thing.”

Mathilda grabbed a pillow and hugged it, rocking back and forth. “Ooooooh… it’s looking good.”

Yeah, it was looking good. Beyond Hanna’s expectations. Probably beyond Sebastian’s expectations as well.

Sebastian’s friend, Robert managed to re-take the lead from Di Grassi while passing a backmarker. Sebastian was right on Di Grassi’s tail with the rest of the field comfortably away behind.

But then someone crashed and the Safety Car was deployed and… all the advantage Sebastian had was suddenly gone.

“I don’t like this Oliveira guy,” Hanna grunted, still keeping an eye on the guy behind Sebastian.

“Don’t worry, Sebastian can fend him off,” Ralf said.

Hanna started to get as nervous as she was at the start of the race.

The moment the Safety Car was gone, the Oliveira guy closed the distance to Sebastian’s car.

“I can’t watch this…” Hanna covered her eyes, shaking with nerves. The last thing she saw was Oliveira side by side with Sebastian.

“Yes!” Mathilda and Ralf shouted together.

“He outbraked himself and nearly collided with his teammate. Seb’s safe. You can look now,” Mathilda tugged on Hanna’s sleeve. “He’s okay.”

Her boy was fine. Running in third, just as he was before the Safety Car period.

“Only two laps left. He can do this,” Ralf patted Hanna’s shoulder.

“Yes, he can,” Hanna smiled, tears coming to her eyes.

Di Grassi and Kubica were still fighting for the lead. Sebastian was following them like a hawk, ready to take advantage if they crashed or made a mistake.

Di Grassi crossed the finish line first, Kubica second, Sebastian third.

When Hanna saw him boxing air with joy, she burst out with tears. Mathilda hugged her so vigorously, they nearly fell off the bed.

“Sebastian Vettel is thrilled to pieces,” the commentator said.

“We’ll see him on the podium!” Mathilda grinned, making Hanna’s heart leap with even bigger joy.

_I will see him. My everything. His happy eyes. His beautiful smile. His fluffy… or rather sweaty hair…_

She couldn’t wait.

_Will he think about me? Maybe he’ll give me a sign? Does he know how proud I am?_

The celebratory lap seemed longer than the entire race.

The cameras were just showing the race winner out of the car, hugging someone.

“And that is it from Macau,” the commentator said. “We hope you enjoyed the Eurosport’s live coverage… There is your winner, Lucas Di Grassi, we’ll see you soon.”

“What the fuck…” Ralf said before pressing a hand to his lips. “Sorry.”

“It’s just a commercial break, right?” Mathilda turned to Hanna.

“Looks like they’re not showing the podium ceremony,” Hanna replied, trying to push the disappointment away. “Let’s enjoy the result. Sebastian must be really happy now. And nothing bad happened to him. I was wrong.”

“We should call him,” Mathilda proposed.

“He’s kind of busy right now,” Hanna laughed. “He promised to call me as soon as he can. So… let’s wait. And while we do that, I need to eat something.”

 

*

 

The conversation with Sebastian was loud (Mathilda!) and short (Sebastian had to go and change for the final prize giving ceremony).

“Dad was recording me on the podium,” he said, his voice vibrant with joy. “We can watch the whole thing after I come back home.”

 

*

 

_21 November 2005, Monday_

There was only one word to describe Hanna’s state of mind at school – distracted. She couldn’t wait to finish her classes and leave.

She secretly hoped Sebastian would be waiting at her outside; even though she knew his flight from Pekin was delayed.

On her way home she checked her phone: no new messages.

After coming home, she sat down to do her homework. Right when she finished, her mom called her for dinner.

After the meal, she came back to her room – still no messages.

She approached the window; it was dark outside and it was raining, so she had to turn off the light to see anything.

_Maybe I could take a warm bath…_

Thinking about Sebastian while being immersed in hot water was one of her favourite things when he was away.

_I’ll see him tomorrow, for sure._

She was just about to grab her sleeping clothes when her phone rang. It was him!

“Finally! I was so worried!”

“Are you home?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“Would you like to go for a ride?”

“You mean… now?”

“I’m waiting outside.”

“Give me a minute.”

She was wearing a large green sweater, brown leggings and pink socks, but she didn’t want to keep Sebastian waiting, so she just quickly brushed her hair.

“Mom? I’m going out for a moment. Sebastian’s outside.”

“Tell him to come in.”

“He’s in the car.” Hanna looked her mom straight in the eye. _You know what’s up, mom. Don’t investigate. Just let me go._

“Okay, but remember that you have school tomorrow.”

“I remember. Thank you!”

She grabbed a pair of navy blue slip-on shoes and put them on. _I look like a clown_ , she realized. Luckily, Sebastian’s fashion sense was almost non-existent.

After putting a wind jacket on, she ran out of the house and approached the Golf parked in front. The engine was on; Sebastian chose to stay inside.

Hanna opened the passenger door.

“Here’s my happy bunny,” Sebastian said, grinning from ear to ear. He had no jacket on, just a dark turtleneck.

Hanna wished she could get rid of her wind jacket too. Not only was it warm and dry in the car, but also… Sebastian was there. He knew how to keep her warm. Or even to make her too hot…

“I missed you so much!” She threw herself in his arms.

“I missed you too…” His voice was thick with emotion. “Sorry I didn’t call. My phone died-“ He glanced at her lips.

_Yes… exactly…_

They kissed delicately. As if they’d forgotten how to do it. It was a nice thing to re-discover though. The softness of Sebastian’s lips… the sweet taste of his mouth… the loving warmth in his eyes…

“Let me drive us somewhere more private, okay?”

Hanna fixed her jacket and reached for the seat belt. “Remember our first real kiss? We should go there.”

“Okay.”

 _I should definitely take this damn jacket off or I’ll start sweating!_ It wasn’t easy with the seat belt on, but she gave it a go anyway.

“We’re almost there… Don’t undress yet,” Sebastian laughed.

“I’m hot.”

“Yes, you are.” His gaze shifted to her sweater. Boy, she was already covered in goose bumps even though he wasn’t touching her. Yet.

“When did you come home?” she asked, trying to keep her voice steady.

“Two hours ago… something like that. I had to take a shower and spend some time with my family. Fabian is always very emotional when I come back after a long trip.”

“Did you sleep on the plane?” Hanna reached to the nape of Sebastian’s neck to caress his curly hair.

“Yes, a little… God, I missed this… no fantasy can ever compete with your touch…”

“That’s nice to hear. Where would you like me to touch you next?”

“Slow down, woman. I need to focus on the road!”

Hanna smirked. “What? I was just asking…”

“You were asking me to think about things I would prefer not to think about while driving.”

“But you like talking.”

He didn’t reply, so she kept caressing his neck even though her arm started to hurt from keeping it up.

Finally there was nothing but darkness around them and the sound of rain tapping against the roof of the car.

Hanna covered her head with her jacket, got out of the car and sneaked back in through the backseat door.

“Should I put some music on?” Sebastian asked.

“No.” Hanna reached down to take her muddy shoes off. “Come over here. What are you waiting for?”

“For you to undress first.”

“I’m just taking my shoes off because I don’t want to ruin the seat.”

“I kind of hoped you would take that sweater off… It’s quite big. We could use it as a blanket.”

Hanna pulled her feet up. “It’s a nice sweater. It’s warm. It’s close to my skin… unlike you right now…”

Sebastian bit his lip and kept staring at her.

“Why are you doing this?” Hanna asked, pouting.

“Because… I like the anticipation.”

Hanna barely kept herself from grunting. _Okay, I can do this. I’m not desperate. I can wait a few more minutes…_

“Were you a good boy when you were in China?” she asked, narrowing her eyes.

“I was a busy boy.”

“Did you do anything naughty?”

“Yes, I had an argument with my dad about the amount of sleep humans need to function.”

Hanna sighed. “Are you aware that I’m trying to flirt with you?”

“Yes.”

“Stop grinning you monster… I need you here. I thought you wanted me to touch you…” She ran a hand down the fabric of her sweater, drawing his attention. Then she shifted her hips.

“Okay… that’s enough…” he said.

The next thing she knew, she was sat astride his lap, kissing his lips and ruffling his hair. His hands found their way under the sweater and were caressing her back. For a moment she was sure he would undo her bra, maybe he even thought about it, but decided against it.

“You smell like Summer,” he whispered, nuzzling her cheek, his lips brushed her ear, making her shiver.

“I wish you weren’t wearing that turtleneck…” she said.

He immediately pulled it over his head, exposing a white t-shirt. “What turtleneck?”

“That’s better…” Hanna kissed his neck, her hand sliding up and down his torso.

“I wish you weren’t wearing that sweater…”

Hanna froze. She should’ve expected that.

“Of course that’s only a suggestion,” Sebastian added after a moment of silence. “We could also share it. Seems large enough…”

“You can take it off me,” Hanna said.

Sebastian looked into her eyes one more time before grasping the fabric and slowly exposing her hips, her belly and ribs…

Hanna’s eyes landed on her crotch and to her horror, she noticed the fabric of her white panties peep through a tearing in her leggings. “Oh no…” She quickly put a hand between her legs.

Sebastian was too distracted by her bra to notice, but now he seemed really concerned. “What?” He looked down. “Did I do something?”

“No…” Hanna felt her cheeks burn with embarrassment. “It’s just a wardrobe malfunction.”

“Is it serious?”

“It’s my leggings… I swear there were no holes in them when I was putting them on.”

“Happens with clothes,” Sebastian said, his voice still tense. “Maybe it’s a sign,” he added, leaning forward to press their lips together.

As they kept kissing, their tongues brushing lightly from time to time, Hanna forgot about her leggings. But Sebastian didn’t.

Feeling his fingers seeking the tearing in the fabric and slipping underneath it, she broke the kiss and gasped. “Oh my God…” She clenched her fingers on his shoulders, melting under his touch.

“Are you comfortable like this?”

“Yes.”

“Can I tear it a bit more?”

“Yes.”

He was calm and focused. Determined to make her feel good. He didn’t feel discouraged even if she kept correcting the positioning of his fingers. He seemed to coordinate the pace of his caress with how fast she was breathing and it turned out quite right.

She was close for a long time, but couldn’t quite get there.

“Would you kiss my neck?” she asked.

“I need to fix the situation in my pants first or I’ll hurt myself…” he said, taking his hand away. Wincing, he unzipped his trousers.

Hanna blinked, throwing a glance down. It was too dark to see any details, but his underwear was definitely white and stretched.

“Can I help?”

“Let’s focus on you first,” he said, pulling his t-shirt down to cover his bulge.

“But I really want to touch you right now,” Hanna insisted.

“Okay…”

Hanna slipped a hand under Sebastian’s white t-shirt and felt his erection pressing against his underwear. Sebastian’s briefs were tight and she couldn’t grasp it the way she wanted.

It would’ve been much easier with no underwear involved, but Hanna felt comfortable with this level of intimacy.

She could hear the fabric of her leggings tear a bit more…

Sebastian resumed the intimate massage and immediately hit the sweet spot.

“Yes… right there…” Hanna breathed. “Oh… Lord…”

It was crazy good, such a small movement, having such a huge impact on her.

“Hanna… Look at me.”

Fragile… vulnerable… small… naked despite wearing clothes…

She looked him in the eye. “S-so… good…”

There was a part of her that was worried… Maybe she wasn’t at all attractive at that moment? What if she will make an ugly face? What if she’ll look funny?

He picked up the pace, reading her perfectly.

“Seb!… Sebi…” When the big wave hit her, she only managed to keep eye contact for a second before squeezing her eyelids shut.

 _High heavens… look what you did to me… Again._ “Oh… Sebi…”

“I’m here… And I love you… I love you, my pretty angel…”

It wasn’t a fantasy, he was really there. She could smell him, she could hear him and feel him with her whole body. She could meet his hungry eyes, eager to catch every glimpse of her reaction. And now he seemed very satisfied with what he did to her.

She felt his hand on hers… showing her where and how to touch him.

“I don’t need much,” he breathed. “I just…” A sweet moan escaped his lips.

She only realized he wasn’t helping her at all when it was over and she wasn’t sure if she should just slow down or stop completely.

She liked the way he seemed disoriented and lost right after his orgasm, staring at her with his big eyes as if she had all the answers. And she did.

“Welcome home.” She leaned forward and kissed him gently.

He blinked. “I didn’t expect this…”

“Me neither,” Hanna admitted. “I blame it on my wardrobe malfunction.”

Sebastian laughed, pulling her into his arms.

Hanna felt happy and relaxed and ready to face everything that life would throw at her. “You were third in Macau, but you’re definitely a winner when it comes to making me feel good,” she said.

“I am?” he sounded surprised. “Your body is still a mystery to me… in some ways.”

“Same as yours to me,” Hanna confessed. “But… I like where we are.”

“You’re not talking about my sister’s car.”

“No…”

Sebastian laughed softly before kissing her forehead. “Baby steps.”

 

*

 

It was almost midnight when Sebastian and Hanna kissed goodbye.

It was still raining, so she put up the hood and got out of the car.

Macau was Sebastian’s last race that year. Now they finally had the chance to spend more time together. They already made plans to visit the Christmas Market in Heidelberg.

Smiling to herself, Hanna approached the door to her house. Something was lying on the doormat; Hanna bent down to pick it up.

It was the glove she dropped in the park.


	21. Hero

Hanna picked the glove up.

Up to that point she had no proof that the guy from the park was following her. She hoped he was just waiting at someone. But now she was holding an evidence that not only did he followed her, but also knew where she lived.

Hanna threw a glance over her shoulder. As always, after driving her home, Sebastian wouldn’t pull away until she was safe inside her house.

_I’ll tell him tomorrow. One day won’t change a thing._

 

*

 

When she was leaving for school in the morning, Sebastian surprised her at the door.

His smile was blindingly radiant, but not radiant enough to keep her from noticing the dark circles under his eyes.

“Didn’t you want to take a day off? You just came back from China,” Hanna noticed.

“I had a day off flying home.”

Hanna stepped up and kissed him. It was a nice start of the day. She felt ready to face all the annoying people the world could throw at her.

“You look sleepy,” she said.

Sebastian took her by the hand. “I fell asleep quickly. I… aroused some fresh memories, felt warm and happy and before I knew I was sleeping like an angel.”

“Like an angel… sure.” Hanna realized it was a good decision not to mention the glove. She wished whoever was following her could see her with Sebastian.

“And how was your night?” he asked.

“Short.”

They kept walking until they were close to the fountain. “Could you hug me?” Hanna asked. “We’ll have to wait for after school for another occasion.”

“A wise suggestion,” he agreed.

After they hugged and shared a few kisses, they continued walking.

 

*

 

At school Hanna witnessed another heart-warming moment.

Just as she and Sebastian parted their ways, Sebastian stumbled across Mathilda. The girl threw herself on his neck with a wild squeal as if he came back from the dead.

Some girls from Mathilda’s class were giggling as she kept hugging him and repeating how impressed she was with his race.

 

*

 

After her classes Hanna had to work on the school paper. She was in the computer classroom with Markus when Sebastian found her. Markus was actually Sebastian’s classmate. He was also one of the best students, so the teachers were letting him use the classroom when it was empty.

“Can I use a computer?” Sebastian asked him.

“Go ahead.”

Hanna had to force herself to ignore Sebastian. She felt tempted to check what he was doing, but on the other hand she didn’t want to waste Markus’s time.

“When will you get the rest of the articles?”

“Tomorrow, I hope. They should fit on one page. Leave one empty, we’ll worry about it later.”

“Is this announcement still up-to-date?”

“Yes. Just change that ugly font.” Hanna couldn’t help herself and glanced at Sebastian.

He quickly looked away, pretending as if he weren’t staring at her at all.

 

*

 

“Why were you staring at me?” Hanna asked. “For a second I was sure I had something on my teeth…”

Sebastian opened the school door for her. “I like when you’re giving orders.”

“To other people,” Hanna added.

“To me as well. You're so strong-minded and self-confident.”

“You’ll change your mind when I ask you to do something you won’t like.”

“You’re not supposed to ask but to order.”

“As you wish. I order you to take a day off from training.”

“Great. So where shall we go? My place or your place?”

“We’re going to a café.”

Sebastian pouted. “I would prefer to get cosy in a locked room…”

“It was an order,” Hanna added, unyielding.

Sebastian looked at her and bit his lip.

 

*

 

Hanna ordered two pieces of sponge cake with chocolate frosting.

“You’ll have to help me to burn those calories,” Sebastian said before he started eating.

“You’ve done enough burning in Macau.”

“But I haven’t lost any weight.”

“We can go swimming. But not today. Maybe on Friday…”

Sebastian nodded, stuffing his mouth with cake.

Hanna ate her piece, studying the boy’s delighted face.

“I need to tell you something,” she said after he emptied his plate. “Last week I was walking across the park and I stopped to take gloves out of my bag. I noticed a guy standing near the fountain and staring at me. It was dark, he was wearing a hoodie so I couldn’t see his face. But I got so scared I dropped a glove. I didn’t pick it up, I just rushed away. I think he followed me, but I wasn't sure until last night. After you drove me home… I found that lost glove on the doormat.”

The frown on Sebastian’s forehead deepened. “This is seriously unsettling.”

“It is.”

“Maybe it was a boyfriend of that girl you had an argument with? You know, about the paper…”

“What would she want to achieve by sending her boyfriend after me? It doesn’t make any sense.”

“From now on I will be walking you to and from school.”

“That’s nice of you, but… You have your training and other responsibilities. You’re at home now, but in January it’ll change. I need to be able to take care of myself. I had some time to think about it and… if that guy wanted to hurt me, it would be easier if I didn’t know about him. So why would he return my glove?”

“He’s messing with you. And I seriously want to beat the crap out of him. I’ve never been in a fight, but… I won’t hesitate.”

Hanna sighed. “Hopefully, it doesn’t come to that.”

 

*

 

_Heidelberg, Christmas Market, Saturday evening_

Everything was lit up and festive, the atmosphere magical as Hanna and Seb strolled down the _Hauptstrasse_ in Heidelberg. They were holding hands since they got out of the car, pulling each other toward every stand that caught their eye.

“Let me know if you feel cold,” Sebastian said as they stopped to watch children riding a merry-go-round.

“I’m hungry,” Hanna confessed. “Look at that little boy. He’s going to cry…”

“Where?”

“In the red car.”

Sebastian made a concerned face. “Let’s wave at him.”

At first the little one didn’t notice them, but as he went around, they waved again and he turned his head. The third time he smiled.

“What do you want to eat?” Sebastian asked as they were walking toward the _Anatomie Garten_. “I’ve seen some great looking bratwurst.”

“I would prefer crepes.”

“With chocolate!”

“With whatever you want.”

They ended up at the University Square bathed in festive brightness.

“This place has become infinite times more beautiful since you got here,” Sebastian said.

“Thank you,“ Hanna replied. “And being here with you makes me infinite times happier.”

They sat at a wooden table to eat their crepes with cinnamon apples and chocolate.

“I want to buy you a Christmas gift, so I think we should split for a while,” Hanna suggested.

The carefree look disappeared from Sebastian’s face. “It’s easy to get lost.”

“I already see the booth I want to check. It won’t take long. You can stay here, eat another crepe.”

“Tempting…” Sebastian reached out to grasp Hanna’s hand. “I’m just worried because of that guy who’s following you. I actually got you something.” He took a small plastic bottle out of his pocket. “It’s filled with tear gas. Keep it at hand whenever you go out.”

Hanna took the little container. “Thank you. Can I go and buy that present now?”

“Yes. I’ll be here. Eating.”

 

*

 

After Hanna bought Sebastian a brown winter scarf, she spotted some cute trapper hats. There was a mirror hanging at the booth, so she started checking one hat after another.

 _It might not be cold enough for trapper hats this winter_ , she thought. _I better check some berets._

A few minutes later someone put a hand on her shoulder.

“Okay, I wasn’t peeking until I got worried and I saw what you were doing.” Sebastian grabbed a beret and put it on his head.

“I’m sorry. I thought you were still eating.”

“I can’t eat that much.”

“Let’s go and check some other booths,” Hanna said, taking the beret off his head and putting it back where it was. “I want to buy something nice for Timmy. A toy or maybe something sweet. And some candles. And maybe a small painting for my aunt.”

“We should also buy some jewelry for my perfect girlfriend. I’ve heard that you’re an expert. Could you advise me on what would make her happy?”

“I could. But maybe you should pick something yourself.”

“She wouldn’t like it. I really need your help. Pretty please…”

 _Gosh, those pretty eyes…_ She just couldn’t say no to them.

“Okay, I’ll help you,” she said before giving him a delicate kiss on the lips. “Your lips are chapped,” she noticed. “We should get you some lip balm.”

“Boys don’t wear lipstick.”

Hanna sighed. They had had this conversation before. No argument could force Sebastian to put any product on his lips unless it was medicine.

“You don’t seem to mind when my lipstick transfers onto your lips when we kiss.”

“It’s the cost I’m willing to pay.”

“Well… pay then.” She fished a Nivea lip balm out from her pocket and coated her lips.

“Smells nice,” Sebastian said, leaning closer. “Like blackberries.”

“Tastes nice too.”

“It does?”

It was a funny kiss, it reminded Hanna of the old days when Sebastian was still wearing braces and they were only kissing with their mouths closed.

“It does taste good.”

Hanna glanced at his lips; they looked slightly better. “Good,” she said. “Now let’s go jewelry shopping.”

 

*

 

After Hanna chose a gift to herself, they went ice skating on the most beautiful ice rink they have ever seen.

“I would love to make a few fast rounds,” Sebastian said, glancing around. “But there’s too much children.”

“Yeah… let's not scare them,” Hanna agreed, glad that she could keep holding his hand.

After they left the rink, they went for a cup of hot chocolate. They checked a few more stalls until their legs started to hurt.

“Mathilda will love the porcelain reindeer,” Hanna said, putting the bags full of Christmas gifts on the back seat. “She told me she wants to be a vet.”

“Really? Does she like horses? Melanie could take her to the riding school.”

“That’s a good idea.”

Sebastian turned the engine on. “Mathilda the vet..." he snorted. "No wonder she was so fascinated with boars when we were in Schwarzwald."

 

*

 

_A few days later,_

It was snowing, the streets empty. Hanna was walking home alone for the first time since she had told Sebastian about the glove.

She patted her pocket nervously until she felt the bottle with tear gas. She wasn’t even sure how to use it. She had a tendency to get clumsy in stressful situations. She would probably drop the container the same way she had dropped the glove… But at least she had a chance to defend herself.

The moment she entered her house she fished her phone out to let Sebastian know that she was safely home.

Turned out the battery died.

Hanna took her shoes and her winter coat off and went to her room. Her neighbours were installing some Christmas decorations in front of their house. They just plugged the Christmas lights in; Hanna approached the window to check them out.

A man in a hoodie was walking down the sidewalk. Only when he paused, Hanna recognized him; it was the guy from the park.

He was following her again!

As the neighbours appeared outside, the man fixed his hood and walked away.

Hanna lunged to her phone. She had to wait a few minutes until there was enough energy to make a call.

“Pick up, pick up…”

“Hello, my lady,” Sebastian seemed in a good mood.

“I just saw him. He stopped in front of my house.”

“What? Where are you?”

“In my room. He was looking at my house before my neighbours accidentally spooked him away.”

“I’ll be at your place in five minutes.”

“Okay…” Her hands shaking, Hanna put the phone away. She wasn’t sure why she needed Sebastian to come. Her parents were home and the guy was already gone.

Her phone rung. It was Sebastian.

“Yes?” _Just don’t tell me you can’t come…_

“I have an idea. But… it’ll be risky.”

Hanna sat down on her bed. “Okay, I’m listening.”

“I’ll send you a signal once I’m on your street. Go for a walk. But don’t forget the tear gas. I'll be following you discreetly. You just walk, stop next to the fountain and make a fake phone call. The longer you’ll manage to stay there the better. If I see the guy, I’ll confront him.”

Hanna felt a cold chill on her back. “Confront…”

“I’m not going to let some guy stalk you. It has to stop. Do you want it to stop?”

“Yes.”

“Then wait at my signal.”

“Just please, be careful.”

“Don’t worry. It’ll be over soon.”

 

*

 

Everything was shaking in her as she walked down the street, her hand clenched on the plastic bottle.

_Slow down… don’t pace. No, don’t even try to glance over your shoulder._

The only thing she could do was to listen, but she couldn’t pick up anything specific. The town seemed quieter when it snowed.

_Wait a second. The guy knows that I know about him. So it won’t be suspicious if I look around._

She spotted a silhouette on the other side of the street. It was Sebastian pretending to admire a florist window display.

Hanna felt encouraged at his sight.

She wasn’t far from the park. Soon, she would see the fountain.

It was about time to think about the fake phone call. Hanna wasn’t a big fan of pretending. Maybe it would be better to call someone for real? Amy? No, Amy would’ve noticed that something wasn’t right just from the sound of Hanna’s voice.

Hanna grabbed her phone and pressed it to her ear. “Hi, honey. I’m actually coming to see you. Ah, okay. I’m not far from home. I can go back. Right. When will you know?” She stopped by the fountain, cold wind making her shiver. “I don’t know. Probably in the drawer at the bottom.”

 _I’m getting better at this_ , she thought. She stood a while in silence, trying to guess what Sebastian was doing. The visibility was poor because of the snowfall. She needed to give him more time to search the area.

“I’ll wait five minutes tops. I don’t want to freeze my bu-“

She heard a scream. Someone started cursing… It was Sebastian!

Hanna shoved the phone into the pocked and grabbed the tear gas. She didn’t like what she was hearing… She didn’t like it at all…

As she spotted two figures fighting, she picked up the pace.

“I’m going to kill you, you… fucker!” Swearing and fuming with rage, Sebastian landed in the snow, blood dripping from his nose. A guy jumped at him, aiming a punch.

“Stop!” Hanna screamed. “Leave him alone!”

She ran up to the assailant, yanked him by the hood, ready to spray the shit out of him. But right when she pressed the nozzle, Sebastian launched an attack and dived right into the cloud of tear gas.

“Shiiit!” As he was coughing and rubbing his eyes, the guy punched him so hard, Sebastian lost his balance and fell.

The guy dropped onto his knees, clenched his left fist on Sebastian’s jacket, aiming to punch him again.

Hanna dropped the bottle. “Stop! Stop it…” She kicked the guy on the back as hard as she could.

Growling, he jumped away.

_Now what? I can’t fight him…_

When she found herself face to face with the guy, she recognized him.

It was Roger!!! The guy she dated in London.

“What are you-”

He quickly covered his face and ran away.

“What the hell…” Hanna whispered to herself. _Not now. Leave it._

Panting, she kneeled down on the snow. “Seb… Sebi… Are you okay?”

“I can’t see a fucking thing…” Sebastian’s nose and lips were stained with blood. “Where did that fucker go?”

“He’s gone. We need to rinse your eyes immediately,” Hanna said, helping him up. “Should I call an ambulance?”

“No… I’m okay… just… Fuck!” He grabbed a handful of snow and started rubbing it into his eyes.

“You’re bleeding.”

“That’s nothing, but… My eyes…” His voice broke. “Shit, it smarts…”

Hanna studied him helplessly. “I don’t know what to do…” she said desperately. “Tell me what to do!”

“Call a taxi. And take me home.”

 

*

 

 “You should go to the police,” the taxi driver advised, as Hanna was helping Sebastian out of the car.

“Thank you, we’ll manage,” she replied.

After she led the boy to his house, he handed her the keys and Hanna opened the door.

“To the bathroom.”

They proceeded without taking their shoes off. Hanna turned the bathroom light on.

“Oh my God…” she winced, looking at Sebastian’s face. “I’m so sorry…”

“Where’s the sink?”

“Here.”

“What is going on?” _Frau_ Vettel appeared.

“I’m a fucking loser, that’s what happened…” Sebastian grunted and started rinsing his eyes.

“That’s not true,” Hanna protested, unbuttoning her coat.

"Watch your language, son." Sebastian's mom looked at Hanna's hand. "Is that blood?"

“Yes… It’s…” Hanna glanced at her fingers. “I was trying… to help…” She felt like a little girl again. Helpless. And useless.

“Were you in a fight?” _Frau_ Vettel stepped up to Sebastian and made him turn his face to her. “Oh, honey…” she winced. “What happened to your eyes?”

“Tear gas…”

“Keep rinsing them. I’ll get you some ice.”

 

*

 

Ten minutes later Hanna was sitting on Sebastian’s bed, gently pressing a cold compress to his eyelids and cheeks.

“Don’t do that,” she said after he touched the cut on his bottom lip with the tip of his tongue. “It’ll start bleeding again.”

Sebastian blinked a few times. “I can see again,” he said. “But it still hurts,” he added, closing his eyes.

Hanna pressed the compress to the swelling on his cheek. “I’m so sorry.”

“No, stop… It wasn’t your fault. We’re not good at violence. Both of us. He was too strong. Too quick. And he came at me out of nowhere. I was looking for him, but turned out… he found me first.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Yeah, he was behind me. I wasn’t following him. He was following me.”

Hanna took the compress away. “I saw his face and… I’m not sure but I think I know him.”

Sebastian opened his eyes and looked at her.

“He looked like a guy I used to know when I was in London. His name was Roger.”

“Roger? The guy you dated?!”

“Yeah, but… it doesn’t make any sense.”

“It makes all the sense in the world. He’s in love with you!”

“No… there wasn’t really any chemistry between us, because… I was in love with you.”

“He would probably disagree.”

“But… why couldn’t he just talk to me instead of following me like a creep?”

“Maybe because he is a creep.”

“No… you don’t know him.”

“Now you’re defending him?”

Hanna opened her mouth, but found herself unable to reply. There was something really hurtful and unfair about the whole situation. She felt guilty even though she knew she didn't do anything wrong.

_Wow, great. And now I’m going to cry like a baby…_

“Hanna…” Sebastian sat up. “Stop. I’m not mad at you. It was my idea… Don’t cry. Please.” He put and arm around her and pulled her into his embrace.

The warmth of his body and his scent calmed her down. She immediately stopped crying.

Sebastian kissed her temple. A short hiss came out of his mouth.

Hanna leaned away to check what was wrong. His lower lip was bleeding again.

“Lie down, I’ll take care of that.” She took a tissue and pressed it to the cut. “You’re my hero, Sebi,” she whispered, leaning down to kiss Sebastian’s forehead.

“I was only defending myself… and I lost…”

“But you were ready to defend me. You made me feel safe,” she added, pressing gentle kisses to his eyelids.

He winced a little. There weren’t many spots on his face to kiss without causing him pain. “Can I lie next to you?” Hanna asked.

“Of course.”

Hanna snuggled up to her boy, nuzzling the skin right below his ear. “I’m glad you’re okay.”

The way he sighed when she started kissing his neck was music to her ears. She wished he had no sweater on… She wished she could kiss his bare shoulders and his chest… and…

“Can I be your painkiller?” she asked, putting a hand on his lower belly.

She could see the need in his eyes… the hunger… but also some hesitation.

“The door’s unlocked,” he said, his voice low.

“I’m not… going to do anything. I just want to rest my hand there.”

The room shrunk, the rest of the world drifting away…

“Okay.”

The fabric of his jeans was cool as she subtly brushed it with her thumb. She hoped her hand was distracting enough to make him forget about the pain.

Sebastian went silent, but not for long. “Oh… Before I forget again, if you hear that I might be gay, please don’t be alarmed.”

“What?” Hanna welcomed the change of subject, especially since she was able to detect a bit of amusement in Sebastian’s voice.

“ _Herr_ Sommer finally showed us how to put a condom on a banana. It was huge. The banana, not the condom. Well, the condom as well… but… It was fun. A few years too late, in my opinion, but still fun.”

“What does it have to do with you being gay?” Hanna asked.

“Because I ate it. The banana.”

Hanna started to laugh. “You’re such a clown sometimes…”

“ _Herr_ Sommer wanted to throw it away. A perfectly good banana! Well... the peel was a bit ruined.”

“I can imagine.”

“Wouldn’t you eat it? I mean, not in front of the entire class, of course.”

“Are we still talking about bananas?”

Sebastian chuckled. “It’s funny, because you’re hand-“ he trailed off, his eyes getting a bit unfocused, as Hanna moved her thumb again.

“What about my hand?” she asked, studying her boy’s face.

“I like how heavy it is…”

“It can be heavier, if you want.”

“No, it’s perfect.”

Hanna nuzzled Sebastian’s neck again. “I need to go home. My parents are probably worried…”

“No… don’t go yet. I haven’t even touched your boobies…”

Hanna smiled. “Okay… I’ll stay a while long-“ she trailed off as his hand gently squeezed her breast.

“I wish you could stay…”

Hanna needed a moment to collect her thoughts. “Same,” she said before losing herself to another pleasant shiver.

 

*

 

The next day her dad handed her a letter. “Looks like this one’s for you. No stamp on it. A bit strange.”

Hanna didn’t open it until she was alone in her room.

She started to read:

_Hi,_

_First of all I wanted to apologize. I wish I didn’t run a way. The thing is… I was sure that guy was following you. I thought you were in danger. I had no idea you two know each other. I’m really, really sorry._

_You’re probably wondering what I’m doing in Germany. I moved to Frankfurt last Summer. Since October I’m studying art history at Goethe University. I remembered that your hometown is close to Frankfurt. From what you told me about Heppenheim, it seemed like a charming little town. So I decided to see it with my own eyes._

_You can only imagine my reaction when I suddenly saw you in the park. Even though it was dark, I recognized you straight away. And… I realized something I was trying to hide from myself since you left London._

_I’ve never met a more perfect girl than you. And I love you._

_I followed you home that evening. I had to make sure it was really you. I saw you a few times after that but I was too nervous to approach you. I still am. I know I used to be bland and awkward around you. But I think I have a lot more to offer now. I just need a second chance._

_I don’t want you to think that I’m some kind of a creep. I’m just stunned with the intensity of my feelings to you. You look even more beautiful than I remember. I felt very protective of you when I saw that guy following you. Is he your boyfriend? I hope he’s okay._

_I’m leaving you my new number and my email address. Please, give me a chance. But if you don’t call, it’s fine. I apologize for the mess and I promise never to bother you again,_

_Roger._

Hanna grabbed her phone and typed Roger’s number. ‘His name is Sebastian Vettel and I love him. I wish you well. Hanna,’ she wrote and clicked ‘send’.


	22. Welcome to adulthood [2006]

_January, 2006_

Hanna pressed a phone to her ear. “Hi, Amy!”

“Hi! I just wanted to let you know that we’re finally back in London. The drive from the airport was a nightmare. Anyway your birthday party was great. Howard recorded Seb and Mathilda when they were singing karaoke. We keep rewatching that video. Especially the part when Seb is playing the trumpet.”

“Without a trumpet,” Hanna added. “I had fun too. I’m happy that we managed to celebrate together.” Hanna ran a hand through her hair. “Have you seen the photo I sent you?”

“I’m checking it now. Wow! You finally did it! You look gorgeous.”

“My mom doesn’t like it.”

“Why? Doesn’t she bleach her hair as well?”

“She wants to have the fairest hair in our family,” Hanna explained. “But mine is pretty light right now.”

“You look like a princess. What was Sebastian’s reaction?”

“He doesn’t know yet. He’s taking me on a date tonight. It’s a part of his gift for me. I’m a bit anxious about it, because I have no idea what to wear.”

“He’s probably taking you to a restaurant,” Amy guessed. “Or maybe he got you two a room in a hotel?”

Hanna felt warmth on her cheeks. “Well… I’m eighteen now, so… I guess I can spend nights wherever I want.”

“Maybe tonight is the night for you two.”

“What? No! We haven’t even spoken about it. He would’ve asked first. That’s not… something to improvise.”

“But you’re dating almost a year and a half now. You’re perfect for each other. Don’t you wish it… finally happened?”

Hanna waited a few seconds in silence. “I don’t know. I’m surely more prepared than I was a year ago. But I still think that Sebastian would have discussed it with me before making any plans.”

“Gosh, I’m sorry. I forgot you don’t like talking about intimate things. I’m sure Sebastian prepared something nice. And he’ll love your blond hair without a doubt.”

“Thank you, Amy. Say hi to Howard from me.”

“Have fun!”

 _Fun, okay._ Hanna was slowly turning into a bundle of nerves. She had a few hours to prepare herself, but she wished it was already evening.

 

*

 

Hanna put a brown coat on. It wasn’t pretty, but it was long and it had a big hood. She managed to hide her dress and her hair underneath it.

“You look lovely,” Sebastian said, when she greeted him at the door.

“You too,” she replied, though she couldn’t see much of his outfit either because he was wearing a  winter jacket. But judging from the fancy trousers, it was an elegant date. Despite the ugly winter boots he had on.

“Are my shoes okay?” Hanna asked, drawing Sebastian’s attention to her black stilettos.

“Very sexy. You ready to go?”

“I am,” she said, grabbing a purse.

Her dad had shovelled a path through the snow on the driveway, but it was slippery. Hanna held onto Sebastian’s arm as he led her to his dad’s car. He opened the door for her and closed it as she settled into the passenger seat.

“Okay, pull the hood down, because I need to do something,” he said after getting into the car as well.

“No!” Hanna clenched a hand on the fabric.

“Why not?”

“I don’t want you to see my hair yet.”

“Oh… Okay. I have a surprise for you too, but I don’t want you to see it before we get there. So… could you please… cover your eyes?” He handed her a sleep mask.

“Fine, but look away for a second.” Hanna grasped the blindfold and carefully put it on, trying not to ruin her hair. “Okay, it’s on,” she said, fixing the hood.

“I’ll kiss you now,” Sebastian said.

It was exciting to anticipate a kiss without knowing when it would exactly happen.

“Love you my pretty bunny…” Sebastian whispered, rubbing their noses together. “I’m hoping you’ll like what I’ve planned.”

“I’m very excited right now,” Hanna admitted. “Is it far?”

“No.” Sebastian switched the engine on. “If you feel sick, let me know.”

“Ah, right…” Even though she was never sick with Sebastian behind the wheel, she wasn’t sure how her body would react with the blindfold on. It turned out a bit uncomfortable, but she decided to suffer through it. The last thing she wanted was to ruin Sebastian’s surprise.

Luckily, it really wasn’t far.

“We’re almost there,” he said, slowing down.

She could hear and feel the snow screeching under the tyres.

“Don’t move.” Sebastian turned the engine off and got out of the car.

Hanna waited patiently until she heard the passenger door open.

“There’s a lot of snow on the ground. But I’ll carry you.”

Now she understood why he was wearing winter boots.

She was always impressed by how easy it was for him to pick her up.

“Careful…” She held the hood in place as he was carrying her.

Finally, he stopped. “Okay, you can look now.”

Hanna pulled the sleep mask down. The first thing she noticed was a small building wrapped in Christmas lights. There was nothing else around, just snow and trees. Looked like they were in the middle of a forest.

Hanna blinked a few times as Sebastian continued walking toward the building.

“Is that…” she gasped. It wasn’t a building!

“Yeah, our old camper,” he said, clearly delighted with her reaction. “My dad sold it to a friend who lives nearby. I asked if I could borrow it for a few days.”

“It looks beautiful… though now I see that it’s actually a lot smaller than the new one,” Hanna noticed.

The door to the camper opened and a grinning Mathilda appeared. “Hello and welcome to our lovely couple!”

“Hi…” Hanna barely hid her surprise. “I didn’t expect company…”

“We’re just here to serve you dinner,” Mathilda extended her hand to help Hanna climb the steps.

“We? Ah, hi, Ralf.”

Sebastian’s classmate was there too, and the inside of the camper smelled delicious.

The table was covered with a white cloth and set for two. There were candles on the table and on the shelves.

“Let me take your coat, miss,” Mathilda said.

Sebastian just got inside and closed the door.

Hanna pulled the hood down… Sebastian was whispering something to Ralf and wasn’t looking at her.

“Wow!” Mathilda’s eyes grew big. Hanna handed her the coat, Mathilda didn’t notice and it landed on the floor.

But at least the girl’s reaction drew Sebastian’s attention.

“Wow indeed…” he said, stepping up to Hanna.

“You like it?”

“You look like a Barbie!” Mathilda commented.

“She wasn’t asking you…” Ralf gave his sister a not-so-discreet signal to get out of the way.

Mathilda picked Hanna’s coat up and joined him in the small kitchen complex.

Sebastian cupped Hanna’s face, staring at her so intensely, she started blushing. “You’re not a princess…” he said. “You’re a goddess.”

“You should see it in daylight.”

“I love it,” Sebastian leaned to press their lips together. “And I love your dress too,” he added, grasping her by her waist.

“You look nice too,” Hanna said, reaching out to touch Sebastian’s black tie. “Very elegant.”

“It’s a serious date.”

Something in Hanna’s stomach twitched. Everything seemed very serious. Maybe Amy was right?

 

*

 

Ralf prepared the meal, Mathilda served it. The main dish was lasagne with a béchamel sauce.

“You can have some wine,” Sebastian offered. “I need to drive back… so…”

“No, I’m good. I’ll drink whatever you’re drinking.”

“That’ll be water.”

“That’s okay.”

Mathilda and Ralf left Hanna and Sebastian as much privacy as they could, but the camper was too small to ignore their presence.

“Ready for dessert?” Mathilda asked, picking up the plates.

“Actually… I’m full at the moment,” Sebastian confessed.

“Me too,” Hanna added.

“Maybe you could put it in the fridge? I don’t want to keep you here too long.”

Mathilda bowed her head. “I understand, sir.”

When she stepped away Sebastian whispered to Hanna: “I want to be alone with you, that’s the truth.”

“I think she got that.”

“Should we leave the dishes here or…?” Ralf emerged from his kitchen corner.

“Yes. Leave everything where it is. I’ll take care of it tomorrow.”

“Okay, then.”

“How are you going to get home?” Hanna asked, as their friends were putting winter jackets on.

“The same way we got here,” Ralf smiled. “In our mom’s car.”

“I had no idea you had a driving license.”

“I do. Since yesterday.”

“Congratulations!”

“Thank you.”

Hanna rose to give Mathilda a hug. “Thank you, sweetie.”

Mathilda winked at her. “Have fun.”

“Don’t forget about the dessert,” Ralf said.

“Everything was delicious. Thank you.”

“It was my pleasure.”

Sebastian rubbed Hanna’s shoulder. “I’m going to leave you alone for a second, okay?”

“Put the coat on.”

“Ah, right.”

Even after turning the light off, it was still hard to see anything through the window. It looked like Ralf had a bit of trouble pulling away because of the snow. He managed eventually and the car disappeared in the darkness.

Sebastian returned inside. “Finally…” he huffed, taking the coat off. “My initial idea was to prepare the meal by myself, but it was too risky.”

“Ralf is a great cook and Mathilda… is Mathilda,” Hanna said.

“Are you warm? The heating is not perfect here…” he looked at the table, then at the fridge. He seemed nervous.

“Come, sit next to me,” Hanna shifted a bit. “Or actually…” She stopped him before he could sit down. “Can I sit on your lap?”

“Take a guess.”

“That should keep me warm,” Hanna said, settling in Sebastian’s lap.

The moment they started kissing, he put a hand on her hip. As their tongues brushed, Hanna felt a jolt of pleasure in her underbelly that turned into a wave of prickling heat.

“I love you so much…” she whispered, shivering as Sebastian’s hand shifted to her belly.

“I love you too…” He kissed the tip of her nose. “You’re so beautiful. I can’t believe I have such a beautiful girlfriend.”

“You’re beautiful too. If only you could see yourself through my eyes…”

“I would probably masturbate a lot.”

“My lovely idiot. Can I play with your tie?”

“Yeah… you can start with my tie.”

“It’s pretty warm right now, isn’t it?”

“Too hot in some places…”

“Really? Where?”

“You know where.” Sebastian rested his hand on Hanna’s inner thigh and looked her in the eye.

“Don’t you want to eat the dessert first?”

“You’re my dessert.” His voice changed…

Hanna understood it completely. She was losing her head too thinking of the things that were supposed to happen. The things that could happen.

They started kissing again. At first Hanna was sure that Sebastian would slip a hand under her dress… she surely wouldn’t mind. But he chose to cup her breast. The harder he was squeezing it, the more fidgety she was getting…

At some point, he broke the kiss and grimaced.

“Are you comfortable?” Hanna asked.

“Are you?”

“It doesn’t hurt.”

“No, it doesn’t.”

“We can move to the bed, if you want to…”

“Not yet.”

“Okay.” Hanna touched Sebastian’s hand. “Just keep doing that… I really love it.”

“I love it too. By the way…” he cleared his throat. “Remember when you came to this camper to cheer me up after the entire school saw my willy?”

“How could I forget.”

“I had this idea… that maybe we could… do it again… I mean not the part with my willy, but…”

Hanna felt heat on her face.

“Your heart is hammering,” Sebastian noticed. He could feel it, he was holding her heart in his hand…

“I don’t have a sweater,” she said, shyly.

“It’s fine. Maybe some other time. I already feel blessed that I can touch you like this…”

“No, wait.” Hanna grasped his hand. “I don’t mind doing it. I just… need to figure out how.” She rose, feeling a bit lightheaded. “I can use the coat. It has buttons… Just unzip my dress, please.” She turned her back at him, feeling like a drunk… a happy drunk…

She put the coat on her shoulders for a bit of cover, pulled the bodice down and took her bra off. Her nipples were hard, probably because of the cool air. She quickly buttoned the coat and turned back to Sebastian.

The boy was checking something on his phone… Wait, no. He was just pretending. The same way he had been pretending to read a magazine when she had visited him that magical day.

 _This is silly! I don’t remember what I said_ , Hanna realized, stricken by panic. But then she thought about Sebastian’s hands and how much she wanted him to touch her.

“I can’t even imagine how it must have felt…” she said, sitting down next to him. “To be exposed like that in front of other people… I’m sorry that it happened, but I also appreciate it. I appreciate your courage.”

“The thing that worried me the most,” Sebastian looked up, “was that you would consider me a loser.”

Hanna frowned. “Why?”

“Because I lost. I was on the floor with my undies down… and kids were laughing… like something was wrong with me.”

“I’m sure many kids would laugh at my tiny boobs as well,” Hanna said. “That’s what kids do. But you know what? Our bodies are just ours and ours only. We love them and we show them only to those we choose.” She reached to the lowest button. Her fingers started shaking a little. “I choose you,” she whispered, feeling the cool air on her ribs again.

All the buttons undone, she shrugged the coat off her shoulders. For some reason she couldn’t look at her own breasts as if worried that they suddenly got ugly… She kept staring at Sebastian who seemed completely stunned.

She saw him lick his lips; it was beyond arousing.

 _Now he’ll look at me and ask if he can touch me…_ Hanna remembered.

Sebastian looked up.

Hanna nodded before he asked the question.

“Can I?”

She nodded again.

She couldn’t remember the last time her heart was beating so fast…

His hand was shaking too.

“Remember Floyd?” he asked, touching her collarbone.

Hanna smiled, drowning in pleasant shivers, but her smile disappeared in an instant.

Sebastian got serious as well. “Are you hearing it too?”

A dog was howling nearby, as if Floyd’s ghost was trying to play his part.

“It doesn’t sound right…” Sebastian judged. “I think he’s in pain.”

Hanna cringed, an image of an animal hit by a car flashing through her mind.

“Stay here, I’ll check it out,” Sebastian decided.

“We can’t split!” Hanna hurried to button the coat up. “Don’t you watch horror movies?”

“But… you don’t have proper shoes…”

“Don’t leave me, please.”

The dog howled again. It had a very high-pitched voice, so either it was small or very young.

As Sebastian was looking for a flashlight, Hanna put the bra back on and fixed her dress.

“God, I can’t listen to that…” she grimaced as the dog yelped.

“Hurry up.”

They left the camper.

“I think it’s coming from that direction,” Sebastian pointed the flash light toward the forest. “Hold my hand.”

Hanna promised herself not to make a sound, even though after a few steps through the snow, she couldn’t feel her feet.

“It’s getting quieter,” Sebastian noticed.

“Maybe we’re going the wrong way…”

“Or the dog’s getting weaker. We don’t have much time.” He pointed the flashlight down for a second. “This is ridiculous. I don’t want you to lose your feet!”

“It doesn’t hurt.”

“That’s how freezing off works… Hold the flashlight.” He picked Hanna up without any effort. “You’re already shaking.”

“I’m okay…”

Sebastian made a step forward. “Which way?” The forest was completely silent.

“Maybe he’s just lost and he’ll come to us if we call him?”

“Hey, buddy! Where are you? Bark!”

“There’s something moving over there!”

“I can see it!” Sebastian ran through the snow. “Oh my God…”

“Put me down.” Hanna felt a lump in her throat at the sight of a small dog tied to a tree. He seemed to have used up all of his energy.

“Someone left him here to freeze to death…” Sebastian carefully approached the animal. “Hey, buddy. Don’t bite, please.”

“He’s just scared.” Hanna turned the light away from the dog. “Can you untie him?”

“Already done. I’ll try to pick him up.”

“Use your jacket.”

The dog either trusted them or was too exhausted because he didn’t resist when Sebastian was wrapping his jacket around him and picking him up from the snow. “Good dog… Don’t worry. You’re safe now.”

Hanna felt tears coming to her eyes.

“Sorry I can’t carry you now…” Sebastian said.

“I’m okay.”

“I’ll walk back slowly, because I don’t want to scare him. Take the car keys from my pocket. Go ahead and turn the heater on. It’ll be warmer inside my dad’s car than in the camper.”

Heat, yes! Hanna needed it too. She hobbled back to the camper, trying not to scream. Her hands got so numb, she dropped the keys.

“Come on, Hanna!” She finally unlocked the car, got inside and closed the door.

_Be tough, don’t cry. A bit of cold won’t kill you._

She turned the heater on with a sigh of relief. Her limbs began to smart as the heat was coming back to her body.

Sebastian wasn’t far behind. He carefully put the dog on the backseat. “Would you keep an eye on him? I’ll go and grab some food.”

“Should I sit next to him?”

“Yeah, but be careful.”

Hanna moved onto the backseat. The dog was shaking like a leaf.

“You’re safe, puppy. We heard you. So good that you called us.” She slowly reached out and touched the dog’s head. “It’s okay.”

The animal moved its muzzle.

 _That’s probably a proper way to introduce myself_ , Hanna thought, letting the dog sniff her hand. She was ready to yank it away in case the dog would have unfriendly intentions. But he only licked her finger.

“You’re not going to eat it, right?”

The dog licked her skin again and looked at her with… gratitude?

“All is fine.”

There was something in his eyes that made Hanna feel confident enough to slip a hand under the puppy’s belly and pick him up.

She was holding him in her arms when Sebastian came back and sat next to her.

“He stopped shaking,” she said.

“Found some leftovers of the lasagne. It’s probably better than tiramisu straight from the fridge. Let’s see if he’s hungry.”

Sebastian put a bit of food on the palm of his hand and passed it to the dog’s muzzle. The little black nose twitched.

“I got some delicious food for you, buddy. Try-“

The dog snapped free from Hanna’s embrace, jumped to Sebastian’s hand and devoured the entire portion. “Oh, okay. No worries, we have more.”

The dog was so hungry, he was swallowing chunks of food without chewing.

“I’m glad we found him in time,” Hanna said. “Even though he ruined our plans.”

Sebastian smiled. “Welcome to adulthood.”

 

*

 

Once his belly was full, the dog fell asleep on Sebastian’s lap.

Hanna rested her head on Sebastian’s shoulder, staring at the boy’s thumb caressing the animal behind its ear.

“I can’t keep him,” Sebastian said. “We travel too much. And my sisters are rarely home… Melanie used to volunteer at an animal shelter. Maybe she’ll know someone who would take care of him.”

“My mom doesn’t want animals at home,” Hanna said. “We should go to the police first. Someone left him here to die. It’s a crime.”

“I don’t get how people can be so heartless…” Sebastian said, his voice breaking.

“I don’t get it either.” Hanna shifted to kiss Sebastian’s lips. “Luckily, there are also good people in this world. And you’re the best of them.”

She managed to cheer him up a little, but they both were too preoccupied with the dog to simply continue their date.

 

*

 

_A few days later_

Sebastian parked the car and turned the headlights off. “It’s that house with the white fence. I know it’s dark and you can’t see much, but there is a kennel inside, but no dog.”

Mathilda, who was sitting on the back seat, rubbed her hands. “Let’s avenge Howard!”

“Howard?” Hanna turned to look at the young girl. “You named the dog Howard?”

“It’s a nice name. Very elegant. And he’s an elegant dog. Thank you for letting me take care of him.”

“No, thank you. He’ll have a happy life with you and Ralf,” Sebastian said. “So… I showed you the house, now you tell me the rest of the plan.”

“Are you sure that house belongs to the person who left… Howard to freeze to death?”

“We’ve been spying on him for two days, Hanna,” Mathilda said. “Remember how Sebastian found a bag of trash next to the tree where you found Howard? We went through that trash and found a receipt from a store nearby. And three empty bottles of Carolus Doppelbock. We had luck because two days ago when we were checking that store with Sebastian it was a trash day.  We checked a few bins… before the garbage truck arrived. And guess what we’ve found in one of them? Carolus Doppelbock!”

“Okay, but… what if other people like the same beer?”

“Sebastian had the same doubts. So I decided to talk to the guy who lives there,” Mathilda said. “I waved toward the house next to his as if I knew his neighbours and then casually asked him what happened to his cute little dog. He said it got sick and he had to put it down. He wasn’t a particularly good liar…”

“Are you convinced?” Sebastian asked.

“If he’s innocent, he’ll have to forgive us,” Hanna concluded.

“We’re not going to smash his windows, are we?” Sebastian asked.

“No… too much noise.” Hanna reached to her purse. “Put these on,” she said, handing Sebastian and Mathilda two pairs of thick rubber gloves. “And pop the trunk up.”

They got out of the car and approached the trunk.

“What’s in the rubble bags?” Sebastian asked as they put them on the ground. “Doesn’t feel solid enough for rubble…”

“It’s a gift from Melanie’s friends,” Mathilda chuckled.

“How come she knows what we’re going to do and I still don’t know?” he protested.

Hanna grinned. “It’s horse shit, Sebi. Let’s go and repaint this jerk’s house.”

 

*

 

_Ten minutes later_

“Drive, drive!”

Sebastian was a good getaway driver. Before the alarmed house owner stormed out of his freshly painted house and stepped into a pile of horse shit that Sebastian had left on his doormat, Hanna, Mathilda and Sebastian were already far away.

They were laughing loudly, full of adrenalin.

“I wanted to write ‘dog killer’ on the front wall, but horse shit is not a good paint,” Mathilda said. “I only managed to write DOG. You think he’ll get it?”

Sebastian and Hanna burst out laughing.


	23. Exams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that I kept you waiting so long. When I had free time, I couldn't motivate myself to write, and now I'm more busy than usual, but I guess this little chapter will add a few new elements to the story. :) Thank you for sticking with me! Don't hesitate to share your thoughts. Every comment is very precious to me. It's often the only reward I get for writing.

_14 February 2006_

“Such a shame we can’t spend Valentine’s day together,” Sebastian said over the phone.

“We’re talking so… we’re kind of together,” Hanna said. “Are you alone?”

Sebastian chuckled. “I like when you ask that question. Yes, I’m alone. My roommates are playing table tennis downstairs.”

“How is the camp? What do you do beside skiing?”

“We haven’t got to skiing yet. We’re spending most of the time at the gym. They showed us some new equipment and new exercises. The first morning I was so sore, I couldn’t get out of bed. But now it’s better. I’m getting stronger, though they said that I’m still not fit enough to drive a race distance in an F1 car. But they’ll prepare a personalized training routine for me to follow throughout the season. And then they’ll evaluate my progress.”

“You’ll be ready when the time is right,” Hanna said. “Don’t forget about finishing the school first.”

“Right…” Sebastian grunted. “Ralf just texted me. I failed the last week’s test.”

“The one about Expressionism?”

“Yeah… So many questions about Kafka and ‘ _the Trial_ ’… and I just couldn’t focus…”

“You didn’t read it.”

“I tried!”

Hanna sighed. “You don’t have much time left.”

“I know, I know… It feels like a waste of time anyway.”

“That’s life, Sebastian. Sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to do.”

Sebastian was quiet for a while. “And sometimes we can’t do things that we want to do…” he added. “What are you wearing?”

Hanna smiled broadly. “My winter pajamas.”

“Sexy. You’re going to bed early.”

“I’m already in bed, _Schatzi_. It’s Valentine’s day. I’m thinking about you all the time. And the most comfortable place to do it is my bed.”

“Stop teasing me.”

“And in the bathtub. Actually, I just took a nice hot bath. My skin still smells of oranges and chocolate.”

“Chocolate… mmhm…” Sebastian sighed. “I can’t remember the last time I had chocolate.”

“There was a bit of chocolate on the tiramisu we ate in the camper,” Hanna remembered.

“Yeah, right. In the camper.”

“It was a really nice date.”

“It was.”

Looked like Sebastian was only able to repeat after her… She didn’t mind. He was clearly letting her lead the conversation. “Was it your plan all along?” she asked.

“What?”

“That little reenactment of my silly yet successful attempt to make you feel better when we were kids.”

“I might have thought about it, but I was sure you wouldn’t agree. You told me once that you don’t like pretending.”

“It wasn’t pretending. We just gave it another shot, but… well, maybe third time will be the charm.”

“By the way…” Sebastian cleared his throat. “They’re beautiful.”

Hanna felt heat coming to her cheeks. “It’s nice to hear that…”

“Much bigger than they used to be.”

“Yeah… Thank God,” Hanna laughed nervously. “Since we’re talking about that date… Can you tell me what else did you plan?”

“I wanted you to sit on my lap while I would feed you the tiramisu. But I fed the dog instead.”

“Okay… But if there was no dog, what do you think would happen?”

“We would have moved to the bed, I guess. Though I’m not sure you would’ve liked it. It reeked of cigarettes. I brought a few blankets from home to cover it and some scented candles, but I could still smell it.”

“I’m sure you would’ve found a way to distract me.”

“Sure… the usual way.”

“Just the usual way? Nothing more… serious?”

“No. Because I had no condoms. I wouldn’t plan something like that without talking to you first.”

Hanna smiled. “Just as I thought. Thank you.” She heard silence on the other end of the line. “Sebastian? You still there?”

“Yes. Can I be honest with you?”

“You should.”

“Everything about you is so… hot. Even when we just talk I get aroused. I need to learn to control myself before we... I mean, I don’t want our first time to end after five minutes.”

“It won’t. I’m sure of that.”

“I’m not so sure...”

“What if that’s normal?”

“What?”

“We won’t become the masters of sex all of a sudden.”

“It has to be perfect.”

“It will be. Don’t worry. But before we get to that, we need to practice the usual stuff more.”

“We do,” he agreed, his voice slightly more relaxed. “Though I doubt I will ever get used to your hotness.”

“You’re hot too. And the things you do-“

“Shit, the guys are coming back. I’ll call you tomorrow, okay? Love you.”

“I love you too.”

Hanna put the phone away. She was glad they talked. She recalled what Sebastian had said about the bed in the camper. How it smelled of cigarettes. It really wasn't the best setting for their first time.

_I want a big bed with fresh satin sheets… I want to take a shower in the morning… together. I want quiet and peace. But most of all I want Sebi to feel comfortable and confident._

 

_***_

_March 2016_

“Ralf is spending so much time with Sebastian lately, it almost feels as if they were dating,” Mathilda said, handing Hanna a bowl of dough. “Keep mixing.”

“Sebastian needs all the help he can get. He has to pass those final exams for his own sake.”

“He’s a smart dude, but he keeps getting distracted.”

“Tell me about it…”

“We need more cocoa.”

“Maybe we should call them?” Hanna asked.

“What did I just say? You will distract him. You’re both the same! Baking chocolate and banana cake does require focus too.”

“Sorry…”

“I’m kidding. He always drives Ralf home, but when? Who knows. Ralf is a tough tutor.”

“I know… Sebastian’s either studying or working out now,” Hanna said, trying not to sound too disappointed.

“He should study while working out, if you’d ask me,” Mathilda suggested, preparing the baking tin. “When does the new season start?”

“The same week as Sebastian’s last written exam,” Hanna said. “The second week of April.”

“At least the first round is in Hockenheim.”

“Yes, and he’ll be home on Easter. To be honest, this year his schedule doesn’t look too bad. Maybe we’ll even manage to go on vacation together.”

“That’d be great! We should prepare a huge banner for Hockenheim. I need to ask Ralf for help.”

“Your brother has already helped enough.”

“Okay… the dough is ready,” Mathilda said. “Do you want to hear a few tips about heating up ovens?”

Hanna grabbed a pen and a notepad. “I do.”

 

***

 

_5 March, 2006, Wednesday_

“I’m so nervous I think I’m going to puke,” Sebastian said.

Hanna fixed his tie.

Ralf just appeared in the school corridor, wearing a suit as well. Hanna knew that Sebastian’s classmate was well prepared for the exam. He was only worried because of Sebastian.

“Hi,” he smiled shyly. “We better hurry up. Everyone’s already inside.”

Sebastian’s face was white like paper, his hands sweaty.

“Good luck, honey.” Hanna climbed on the tips of her toes to kiss him on the cheek.

 

***

 

Hanna sat on a bench outside the classroom where the exam was being held . She had some articles to correct, but couldn’t focus. She kept imagining Sebastian chewing on a pen…

He was smart. He only needed help in revising because he was so busy during the first semester. Ralf was actually impressed with the amount of information Sebastian remembered during the last few weeks.

“He practically did the entire semester in a month,” Ralf said once to Hanna. “He’ll never understand poetry, but he has a good memory. And when it comes to math or physics, his brain is better than mine.”

His brain… For some reason thinking about Sebastian’s amazing brain was turning Hanna on.

_Focus, girl!_ She scorned herself. _If there’s a telepathic bond between you two, he doesn’t need to feel aroused right now. He needs focus._

Half an hour later, to her surprise, Sebastian’s dad showed up.

“How’s he doing?”

“Still writing.”

“No bathroom breaks?”

“No… I haven’t seen anyone leave.”

“He spent the entire morning on the toilet. And I just discovered that he left his juice in the car. You have to drink when you have diarrhea. Everybody knows that.”

Hanna barely kept her face straight. “He has a bottle of water with him.”

“Ah. Okay then.” _Herr_ Norbert looked around. “Schools make me nervous. I’ll wait in the car.”

 

***

 

The students who finished earlier were leaving the classroom one by one. Every time the door opened, Hanna was looking up, hoping to see Sebastian.

When she saw Ralf, she stood up and approached him immediately. “Was it hard?”

“No. Sebastian’s still writing. The topics should be good for him.”

“That’s great.”

Ralf loosened up his tie. “That’s probably the last time we’re here together,” he noticed.

Hanna frowned. “It is.” She never thought about it. Even if Sebastian had missed a lot of school days, it was nice to know that he would come back eventually and smile at her across the corridor or to wait at her to walk her home. “Mathilda told me that you’re moving out to Stuttgart.”

Ralf nodded. “I’m hoping to study Nutritional Management and Dietetics there. It’s just a two-hour drive… I wouldn’t mind driving back and forth, but the gas is too expensive.”

Hanna nodded. “You would need to find a part-time job.”

“I need a job anyway. How about you? I know you still have one year of Gymnasium left.”

“I do. I will start looking later this year.” Hanna started to feel nervous as usual when someone asked her about her future. She had promised Sebastian to follow him wherever he would go. But how was she supposed to do that while being in college?

The classroom door opened ajar.

Ralf glanced at his watch. "Time's up."

Sebastian was the last student to leave.

“I need a beer,” he said, taking the tie off.

“How did it go?” Hanna asked.

“It doesn’t matter. I’m not doing it again.”

“You still have two oral exams left.”

“With _Frau_ Kunz on the board. She likes my smile.”

Hanna rolled her eyes.

“So, are we going for that beer or not?” Sebastian put an arm around her. “Are you coming with us, Ralf? Why are you so sad?”

“We will never sit in a classroom together again…” Ralf said.

“Come on, buddy. We’ll sit together in our living rooms when we’re old and rich!” Sebastian put the other arm around Ralf.

“I just remembered that your dad’s waiting in the car…” Hanna said as they were walking down the corridor.

“Should we take him with us?” Sebastian chuckled.

“I wouldn’t mind,” Ralf said.

But before they caught up with _Herr_ Norbert, Sebastian got a message from his mom.

“My new racing suit just arrived! Do you want to see it?”

“I do,” Hanna said. Ralf just nodded.

“Okay, dad will drive us home.”

 

*

 

“It’s going to be my year,” Sebastian said before taking another gulp of beer. He was still wearing his new racing suit, even though it was quite warm in his room. “Now that Lewis is in GP2, my toughest opponent should be my teammate, Paul Di Resta.”

“Is he good?” Ralf asked.

“Not as good as Lewis.”

“If you win the title, will you race in GP2 next year?” Hanna asked.

“I hope so. If I do well, I could be a test driver for an F1 team too. Same as Robert.”

“I think you should apply for a college, just in case,” Ralf said.

Sebastian winced. “In case of what?”

Ralf looked down. “I don’t know… In case something goes wrong.”

Sebastian patted him on the shoulder. “Nothing will go wrong. It’s my year, I can feel it in my guts.”


	24. Third time is a charm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you can watch the races mentioned in this chapter (the commentary is in Russian):  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NuxFlz7Nb14  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1pAuGUbvoAo (Seb's first win in F3, check out the cute celebration at the end).

It was supposed to be his year, but it didn’t start well.

To his first Formula 3 race in 2006 Sebastian qualified seventh, meanwhile Paul Di Resta was on pole.

“It’s a shame,” Sebastian said to Hanna when they caught up in the paddock after the qualifying. His entire family was there and everyone was trying to cheer him up. “The car doesn’t feel right, but I’ll see what I can do,” he said, probably wanting to demonstrate that he was able to stay optimistic.

Hanna had only a minute to talk to him in private. But words weren’t what he needed. She knew nothing about his car and the specificity of the track. But she knew him.

“Stay safe,” she whispered. They kissed, Sebastian’s tongue brushed hers.

“I’m feeling positively charged now,” he said, looking her deeply in the eye.

Hanna licked her lips, tilting her head to kiss him again before they got interrupted by a mechanic.

 

*

 

The race was long and nerve-wrecking. Hanna spent it in Sebastian’s garage, together with his family.

All the men who were working in the garage or just passing through, kept glancing at them. Well, mostly at Hanna, Stefanie and Melanie. One of the mechanics kept dropping things, making Melanie giggle.

It seemed that Sebastian’s sisters were used to watching him race. They seem quite chill.

Because of all those people watching her, Hanna felt the need to pretend she was calm. It was exhausting.

She bottled up her emotions so well that when Sebastian crossed the finish line fifth, she didn't know what to feel.

Was it good or bad? She wanted to see him and to hear his opinion, but almost immediately after the race he went to work with his mechanics.

“He knows they can do better tomorrow,” his dad said, seeing Hanna’s disappointed face as they were leaving his small changing room; the scent of his sweat still hanging in the air, but no sign of him apart from the dirty overalls.

“My friends from England are coming to the race tomorrow,” Hanna said. “I will sit with them.”

“I would love to get you all into the garage, but I’m afraid it’s already too crowded. But I could get you some free tickets.”

“That would be nice. Mathilda and Ralf wanted to come too.”

“That’ll be four tickets?”

“Ehm… Five. If it’s not a problem.”

“Not a problem at all.”

 

*

 

“I hope you will see the banner Mathilda made for you,” Hanna said to Sebastian the next day over the phone. “Howard already agreed to hold it with her.”

“What’s on it?”

“Go, Vettel!”

“I’ll look for it. I hope you’ll all have fun together. I wish you could stay in the garage, but-“

“I think I’ll feel better in open air.”

“My mechanics were asking about you. They thought you were my sister,” Sebastian chuckled.

“Did you tell them the truth?”

“I did. They didn’t believe me.”

“Maybe we should kiss in front of them.”

“Maybe we should… or actually… I don’t think I want them to see us kissing,” he confessed. “Am I weird? Does it mean that I’m possessive or something?”

“No. I get it. I don’t like to be the centre of attention. That’s why I don’t mind sitting in the grandstand with Amy and the rest where I can be just a fan of yours.”

“We’ll catch up after the race.”

“Of course.” She didn’t want to hang up, but she knew he was busy. “Good luck and be safe, _Schätzchen_.”

“Thank you. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

 

*

 

He was starting from P4. A corner later he was already second.

Hanna nearly lost her hearing because of Mathilda’s screams. Her heart was galloping.

“Go, Vettel!” Howard exclaimed.

Hanna lost the cars from her sight for a moment and when they re-appeared Sebastian was leading!

“Holy cow!” Mathilda squealed.

Hanna grimaced, seeing smoke coming from Sebastian’s tyres as he locked up at the hairpin. He lost the lead. To Paul Di Resta, his main rival.

“Gosh, but Seb’s so much faster…” Amy noticed.

“He can do it, he just needs to stay calm,” Ralf said.

Lap after lap, Sebastian was on Di Resta’s tail, but not close enough to try to pass him. Turned out he didn’t need to! On lap four the race leader spun out of the track in a cloud of white smoke. And Sebastian was leading again!

“I wasn’t praying for that… not that all,” Mathilda smirked at Hanna.

Hanna exhaled slowly. _Let’s try again. Keep calm and go as fast as you can. You’re the fastest. You know that._

“Di Resta’s out of the race. Which means he’ll get zero points,” Ralf said.

Sebastian was probably aware of that. But it didn’t matter as much as the fact that he was about to get his first win in F3. The win Hanna had wished for in Schwarzwald.

_There are still so many laps left…_

Hanna cringed after Sebastian made another mistake under braking. And another one a lap later, nearly losing the lead to Kobayashi.

“Is that normal?” Amy asked.

“No!” Hanna, Mathilda and Ralf said at the same time.

“His tyres might be cold,” Howard guessed.

_Yes, meanwhile his head is too hot._

He had to defend for a few corners before the gap between him and Kobayashi started growing again.

“We’re half way through the race,” Ralf said.

“I wish it ended already,” Hanna groaned.

“Can you imagine Seb leading an F1 race?” Mathilda blushed with excitement. “It would be three times longer!”

“You better start learning some effective calming techniques,” Howard snorted. “Because he will race in F1 sooner or later.”

 

*

 

Sebastian didn’t repeat his mistakes. When he crossed the finish line, Hanna and their friends started jumping for joy and hugging each other. She was so ecstatic, she accidentally bumped heads with Ralf. It hurt, but she couldn’t stop grinning.

After the victory lap Sebastian parked the car and got out.

“He’s so happy, look at him,” Mathilda tugged Hanna’s sleeve. “I see Melanie, over there,” she pointed with a hand. “Don’t you wish you were there to congratulate him? Oh, and Stefanie’s there too!”

Sebastian took his helmet off and went to hug his sisters while a cameraman recorded the scene.

“No… I’m good. I’ll hug him later,” Hanna said.

When she saw Sebastian on the podium, lifting his hands in a victorious gesture, she felt so happy she couldn’t fend off tears.

It was worth it. Everything. All the lonely weeks when he had no time to see her, all the hard training and diet. All the stress and tension she had felt since the season started. It was worth it for this moment of pure joy.

“Wow, his hair is long,” Amy noticed, as Sebastian took his cap off before the national anthem.

He put a hand on his hip, his eyes scanning the stands.

Hanna doubted he was able to spot her, but she knew he would know that she was proud of him.

 

*

 

 _Herr_ Norbert told Hanna to wait near the family camper. She took Amy, Howard, Mathilda and Ralf with her. Sebastian’s entire family was already there.

When he finally showed up, everyone wanted to hug him and congratulate him personally, so Hanna couldn’t talk to him privately. It didn’t feel right to hide inside the camper with him while everyone else waited outside.

So they just hugged, as everyone else.

“I’m so proud of you,” Hanna said, looking up.

“I finally fulfilled your third wish,” he said quietly. “Remember?”

“Of course I remember.” Hanna pecked his lips, painfully aware that his relatives were staring.

“It was really close. I made a lot of mistakes. I need to work on that,” he said, turning to his friends. “I could see the banner when I was on my victory lap. Thank you!”

“You should thank Mathilda, because she made it,” Ralf said.

Sebastian approached the girl and pulled her into a bear hug.

Mathilda started blushing. “Howard helped me hold it…” she mumbled. “You’re welcome… Okay, people, stop staring at me..."

“It was a great performance,” Howard extended his hand to Sebastian. “Really impressive, despite the errors. You kept your cool.”

“Barely,” Sebastian admitted. “My tyres were cold…”

“Yeah, we figured that out.”

“We should all go and celebrate now,” Sebastian looked around. “There’s a nice restaurant nearby. Dad will show you the way.”

 

*

 

Not just Sebastian’s relatives and friends took part in the celebration. He also invited a few team members. They kept talking about the car, its performance and the next races and it felt like a briefing.

She spent the evening watching Sebastian and absorbing his every smile and laugh. She was loving him from a distance, because that was the only option available.

They didn’t talk much, but she noticed how his eyes were scanning the restaurant every time she went to the bathroom or to chat with someone outside.

They held hands under the table. Not because they were ashamed or too shy to show affection. But because their love was their private thing. And they cherished it like a secret.

“Do you still have that history test tomorrow?” Sebastian asked, leaning slightly to her.

“Yes. But it should be okay.”

“You’re such a good student… I can’t even… Such a smart lady…”

“Are you drunk?”

“No… I’m tired.”

Hanna patted his hand. “It was a tough day.”

“Yeah, but I wouldn’t mind it to repeat,” he smiled. “Do you have any plans for tomorrow evening?”

“I do, but… They can be changed.”

“How about a little date?” As his eyes sparkled, he didn’t seem so tired anymore.

“What should I wear?”

“Something comfortable. If you know what I mean. ”

Hanna looked down, feeling warmth on her cheeks. “I think I do.”

 

*

 

_10 April, 2006, Monday_

It was five past eight in the evening when Sebastian’s car appeared in the driveway. _Herr_ Norbert’s car, to be exact, because Sebastian still didn’t have his own.

“I’m going out,” Hanna said to her mom. “With Sebastian.”

Her mom just nodded without taking her eyes off the magazine she was reading.

The second Hanna left the house, she felt cold breeze on her bare knees and thighs. She was wearing a mini skirt and a pair of knee high socks to keep at least her calves warm. She also had a shirt on – easy to unbutton – and a jacket.

She liked to look nice, but when it came to going out with Sebastian, her choices were purely functional.

She got into the car and leaned to kiss Sebastian on the lips.

“Good evening, my lady,” he said. “You smell nice.”

Hanna blushed. She was sure he would mention the skirt first. “Hi, how was your day?”

“Boring,” he admitted, turning the engine on. “But I didn’t mind. Of course I was looking forward to the evening.”

“Me too.”

“How did the test go?”

“It went well.”

“That’s good. I mean… I didn’t expect anything else. You always get good grades.” Sebastian pulled away and turned left.

Hanna reached to the back of Sebastian’s neck. “Is your hair damp?”

“Yeah, I had to take a quick shower,” he said. “Because I was working out.”

“You never stop, don’t you?”

“It’s not like that. I usually feel extra motivated after a good race.”

“And?”

“And I ate too much at the party,” he confessed with a funny smile. “I like your skirt.”

“Thank you. Do you like my tights too?” she asked, grasping his hand and putting it on her knee.

He grinned. “Your non-existent tights, you mean? Did you put any under-“ he trailed off, taking his hand away.

“Okay, better focus on the road,” Hanna said to change the subject. “People were asking about you at school. They hoped that maybe you’d show up. They wanted to congratulate you.”

“Thanks. I still get angry at myself when I remember how I locked up for the third time…”

“You won. That’s all that matters,” Hanna leaned to him, they shared a small kiss.

In silence, Hanna studied Sebastian’s clothes. He was wearing a hoodie and dark sweatpants.

“I noticed you were tired yesterday evening,” he said, throwing a glance at her, so she quickly looked away.

“Tired?”

“I know you don’t like crowds and… the smell in the garage probably makes you sick, but… I’m glad you were there with me.”

“It wasn’t that bad. I had fun. And I’m happy that I could see you win. I won’t be able to follow you to every race.”

“I know.”

Sebastian turned into a forest road. The trees weren’t in leaf yet, so it was difficult to find a secluded spot. But he kept driving. Maybe he had a specific place in mind or maybe he just wanted to get as far from the main road as possible.

“Should be okay, it’s almost dark,” he said after finally stopping the car. He pushed the seat forward, making more room on the backseat. Hanna undid her belt and did the same.

 _Why does it feel so weird? It’s arousing and exciting, yet still a bit stressful._ She felt green and nervous as if it was their first date.

 _I should take my shoes off_ , she thought when she was closing the backseat door behind her.

“Would you sit on my lap?”

“Okay.”  _Yes, thank you. Tell me what to do._

“Feel free to take your jacket off. I’ve got a blanket,” he added.

“Oh, that’s nice.” Hanna took her shoes off and pulled her feet onto the seat. She fixed the skirt in a modest gesture.

Sebastian was busy putting the blanket on her shoulders. He wrapped them both.

“It’s not that cold,” Hanna laughed.

“But now it’s cozier.”

She looked at his face from up close. She could see his big eyes in the dusk.

“Besides… if you’re hot, you can always take your shirt off,” he added, he voice low.

“I’ll do that,” Hanna said, studying the beautiful shape of his lips.

She leaned forward and kissed him delicately, feeling his arms close around her.

When she ended the kiss, he studied her face.

“I love your cute nose,” he said. “And your cheeks…”

“And my big forehead?”

“And your big forehead.”

“You were supposed to say that it’s not that big.”

“But I love it!”

Hanna smiled. “And I love your hair.” She lifted her hands and raked Sebastian’s hair, gingerly brushing his big ears.

“I’m getting goose bumps when you do that,” he half-whispered.

“I know. Your head and your ears are your erogenous zones.”

Sebastian’s eyebrow went up.

“And your neck,” Hanna added.

“And my private parts,” he chuckled.

“Obviously,” she giggled as well. “Do you want to know where I like to be touched?”

Sebastian got serious. “Can I guess?”

Hanna nodded.

“Your neck is very sensitive. But also your back. And your thighs.”

“Okay… I’m impressed.”

He reached to a button on her shirt.

Hanna planted a kiss to his temple, hoping to give him a hint that she wouldn't mind if he undressed her a little.

But he decided to cup her face with both his palms. They started kissing.

Hanna closed her eyes, shivering all over. Her heart was beating fast now, her skin was getting warmer. When their tongues brushed for the first time, she fidgeted.

“Too fast?”

“No… not at all.” Hanna licked her lips. “I just… I love doing that.”

“Me too.”

They resumed kissing. And they kissed and kissed, and kissed…

They weren’t even touching, yet Hanna’s vision was already blurred with arousal.

“Okay… I’m starting to sweat,” Sebastian confessed, leaning away.

Hanna took a deep breath to clear her head. Her lips were tingling.

“Me too,” she said, helping the boy to pull the hoodie over his head. To her surprise he wasn’t wearing any t-shirt.

Once again, she was expecting him to undo her shirt, but he reached to her thighs.

“So smooth…” he whispered, pushing the fabric of the skirt to uncover more skin. “So… soft… and sexy…”

Hanna bit her lip to keep herself from making any sounds. The shivers were like an army of ants marching down her body.

She had a bruise on her left thigh after bumping into a chair, but since the only source of light was the moon, it was barely visible.

“That’s your erogenous zone, isn’t it?” Sebastian whispered, his fingers warm and gentle. “70% of sensitivity here…” he said, getting ever closer to her crotch. “80% here… More like 90%, right?”

His hand disappeared under the skirt.

“Oh God…” Hanna grimaced. She felt so weak, her body seemed two times heavier… 

She had pictured those sweet moments differently, but it felt good to follow Sebastian’s lead. She slightly parted her knees to give him a sign of approval.

Sebastian’s fingers brushed the fabric… the wet fabric that was about to get much wetter. It was so thin, Hanna wondered if he could feel exactly what was underneath it… He probably did, judging by the precision of his caress. Or maybe he was simply watching her reactions… Remembering the spots which when touched made her gasp or sigh or hiss or grimace.

“How’s your breathing?” he asked.

Hanna blinked hazily and looked him in the eye. “Good… I guess…”

“You won’t suffocate if we kiss a bit?”

“I won’t… I think…” Her brain wasn’t working properly. Not with Sebastian fingers between her legs.

She only needed a few seconds of kissing to get so close, she was sure she would come. She let out a soft moan barely keeping herself from grasping Sebastian’s wrist… if only he would pick up the pace… just slightly…

He broke the kiss, his hand stopped moving, resting heavy against her pulsating wetness. “I’m playing with you,” he said with a beautiful smile.

“I love it…” Hanna confessed. Her body needed release, but she knew that delaying it would increase the pleasure.

“We’ll get back to this later, I promise.” He took his hand away, studying Hanna’s face.

“I feel drunk…” she admitted, fixing her skirt.

_Why is he not taking my shirt off? This is ridiculous… Should I do it myself?_

She rested a hand on Sebastian’s chest. “How’s your… self-control?”

“Pretty good, because you still have your shirt on.”

“I was just thinking about taking it off.”

“Go ahead. I’ll watch.”

“Okay…” Hanna undid a few buttons before looking up.

Sebastian was staring at her fingers as if she was about to uncover a world’s miracle.

She had a pretty bra on, but it was too dark to see the details. “Maybe we should turn the light on?”

“No. Someone might spot us.” Sebastian put an arm around her and kissed her hard.

Hanna felt his fingers gently brushing the bra cups as if he attempted to feel what he couldn’t see.

“Take if off…” she whispered straight into his mouth.

He leaned away and looked her in the eye.

“Third time is a charm,” he said, reaching to the strap on her back. He fiddled with it before backing off.

“You need help?”

“No… I just… I don’t feel worthy to-“

“Seb, come on.” Hanna rolled her eyes and undid the bra herself.

Sebastian chuckled. “I’m kidding. The truth is I have no expe-“

Hanna took the bra off in a hurry.

“Oh… hello…” Sebastian said, staring at her exposed breasts.

Hanna bit her lip, pleased with his reaction. "You better touch me before someone or something interrupts us again.”

In an intense silence Sebastian carefully cupped her breast. His hand was pleasantly warm and delicate. “Can your body be even more perfect?”

“Yeah… I need to exercise more because my hips-“

“No. You’re so soft. So… sensual…” His thumb brushed Hanna’s hard nipple.

“Oh… God…” she sighed, feeling a response between her legs.

“Here goes my self-control,” Sebastian grimaced. “Could you move you sexy bum a little…”

Hanna blinked. “What?”

“My joystick is stuck.”

Hanna shifted. “You want help?”

Sebastian shoved a hand into his sweatpants. “Nah, fixed it.”

“Do you want to lie down?”

“There’s not enough room… Come here,” he patted his hips.

Hanna sat astride his lap. “Move a bit forward. I want to cross my legs.”

“Is that okay?”

Hanna shifted closer feeling the boy’s erection against her thigh. “You tell me…” she smirked before rocking her lips just a little.

Sebastian grimaced. “Perfect… for me. But…” He put an arm around her waist and pressed their hips even harder together. “It needs to be perfect for you too.”

Hanna grasped his hand and placed it on her boob. “Do your magic…” she whispered.

The most pleasant part of the date was about to begin. Everything about it was making Hanna crazy. Sebastian’s lips and his tongue… The way he was caressing her breasts. It was so pleasant it almost hurt. And on top of the kissing and touching, Hanna’s hips setting the rhythm and Sebastian’s arm keeping their bodies close to get the best friction possible.

When he started kissing her neck, she slid a hand between their crotches.

“No…” he protested. “That would be too intense… And you’re not ready yet.”

“I am…”

“Go faster then.”

Hanna worked her muscles, pressing their foreheads together. She used to be embarrassed by their loud breathing, but now it was turning her on.  _That’s actually a serious exercise_ , she thought. _I will never get tired of it._

Sebastian leaned back, his eyes locked on Hanna’s boobies. “You look so hot.”

She could already feel the growing tension between her legs. _I could finish it myself_ , she realized. _But…_

“Do you want my hand?”

“Yes!”

Sebastian pulled her skirt up, exposing her underwear.

Her body was so ready, a few brushes of his fingers nearly did the job.

“Harder… Oh, my…” What she meant was faster, but… He got the message.

She squeezed her eyes shut.

“There you go… my princess…” Sebastian kept touching her gently through her orgasm and afterwards. He kept touching her with such perfection, the aftershocks weren’t fading at all.

“Sebi… I love you…” she breathed, struggling to catch a breath.

She felt tears in her eyes _. Why do I always cry?_ she wondered, slowly regaining composure.

She blinked, trying to focus her vision on Sebastian’s face. “What do you need? Just tell me…”

“Could you move the way you were moving?” he asked, pulling her closer.

She remembered the moment when he asked her to go faster. So as soon as they coordinated their moves, she picked up the pace.

“Oh, that’s good…” he moaned.

Hanna gasped, feeling Sebastian’s manhood right where it still tingled. “God, I’m close again…”

She could see Sebastian’s satisfied smile before an orgasm twisted his features. “Fuuuck…!”

Hanna kept working her muscles… So close, just a bit…

Sebastian started gasping and moaning… the sound of it pushed her over the edge. It was a long orgasm; not as intense as the first one, but in a way it was more enjoyable, because her brain didn’t shut down completely.

“That was soooo good,” Sebastian was still shaking, a post-orgasmic grimace on his face. “So… fucking good…”

“It was…”

"Sorry..."

"For what?"

"Bad language."

"I don't mind. In this circumstances." Hanna groped the backseat to find the blanket. The windows were completely fogged up and she could feel the sweat on her thighs and belly.

When she put the blanket around them, she looked Sebastian in the eye and smiled. “You don’t even know how much I needed this.”

He smiled back. “It was my pleasure.”

"Mine was double."

They cuddled in silence. Hanna loved the feeling of her naked breasts pressed to Sebastian’s chest.

“We need to find a way to do it in a bed…” Sebastian said. “So that I can be on top.”

“If we go on vacation together, just the two of us, it shouldn’t be a problem.”

“You’re right. We could stay in bed day and night… do the usual stuff and try other things…”

 _Other things._ “Whatever we want,” Hanna agreed.

“So… where do you want to go?” he asked. “And when are you free to go?”

“Italy?”

Sebastian grinned. “Great choice. I’m free in June. Well… except the last week of June.”

“School’s not over until the last week of June… How about July?”

“Ehm… I have four races…”

“August?”

Sebastian narrowed his eyes, surely trying to recreate his schedule in his mind. “I’m free between seventh and seventeenth.”

“That’s enough, right? And it’s better not to wait until the end of August.”

“Right.”

“Do you want to pick the hotel?”

“We should look for something together. Check some offers…”

“See if the beds look nice and cosy,” Hanna added.

Sebastian hugged her tightly. “I can’t wait.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your time and support. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!


	25. What's it like to be his girlfriend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope it's not too chaotic. It took me that much time mostly because I needed to mention a lot of things. I felt like it was better to fast-forward a bit to some more interesting events, but I still wanted to mention the accident at Spa and other things. So here it is.  
> There are some pictures, as always, dedicated to this chapter on my blog under the 'tough cookie fic' tag.

It was the last day of school. Hanna threw a glance at the Gymnasium, looking forward to not seeing it for two months.

Three girls just ran through the door, screaming.

“Free at last!”

Hanna recognized Mathilda’s voice, so she waved at Ralf’s sister.

“Hey! Hanna! We’re going for ice cream. Do you want to join us?”

Hanna studied Mathilda’s classmates - two girls buzzing with excitement and joy. _Somebody needs to keep an eye on them or they’ll destroy this town_ , she thought. “Okay, let’s go.”

Mathilda clearly told them a lot about Hanna and… as often happens with young girls, they were very straight forward.

“It must be awesome to be Sebastian’s girlfriend,” Katharina, a blonde with braces said. “He’s so funny!”

“He is,” Hanna agreed.

“And famous.”

“Well… Fame is not what makes him a good boyfriend.”

“Doesn’t it make you proud?” the other girl asked.

“It does… but… Racing is what he wants to do. It’s his dream job. But it doesn’t change who he is as a person.”

Mathilda cleared her throat. “You guys think it’s all moonlight and roses, but it’s not. Sebastian’s always busy. He has no vacations. And he’s often away.”

“But he’s so funny!” Katharina repeated, her eyes sparkling. “So what’s it like to be his girlfriend?”

Hanna opened her mouth, but didn’t know how to begin. It was a simple question yet somehow difficult to answer.

“Don’t answer that,” Mathilda intervened. “It was way too personal, Kath.”

The blonde shrugged her shoulders. “I was just curious.”

Mathilda grinned at Hanna. “We call her Curious Kath.”

 

*

 

The last month was one of a kind. Sebastian had a lot of free time, so Hanna was either studying or spending time with him.

They were cycling, running and swimming together. Each time one of them was home alone, the other one would show up as soon as possible to make a good use of it.

 

*

 

One day while they were jogging, they bumped into Ralf.

“Have you checked the links I sent you yesterday?” Sebastian’s ex-classmate asked.

“Not yet.”

“What links?” Hanna joined the conversation.

“I found a few courses. Sebastian told me he’s interested in mechanical engineering. There’s a lot to choose from-“

“I’m not applying for college, Ralf. I would rather go and clean go karts.”

Ralf scowled at Sebastian. “You’re better than this. But I can’t force you, can I?” He checked his phone. “Sorry for interrupting your training. Have a nice day,” he added and walked away.

Hanna sighed. “Why couldn’t you just check what he sent?”

“I already told him that I’m not interested. He thinks that racing is not a real job.”

“When did he say that?”

“He didn’t, but it’s obvious. He doesn’t believe I’m good enough to do it for a living. I finished fourteenth at Oschersleben, so maybe he has a point.”

“Di Resta was twelfth.”

“Yeah, he’s always ahead. And he won the first race while I was-” he trailed off. “This whole conversation makes me doubt in myself. And that’s not the right attitude. So… can we go back to running?”

“Yes. We can.”

 

*

 

When at the beginning of July Sebastian was racing in Great Britain, Hanna and her family were visiting the aunt in London. Since Brands Hatch circuit was just an hour away, all Hanna’s British relatives went to watch the Sunday race. It was flattering and nerve wrecking at the same time. Especially since Sebastian was aware of their presence. After finishing on the second step of the podium on Saturday, he had high hopes.

But the race didn’t go as planned and he finished only seventh. Hanna barely kept herself from crying. Not because she was disappointed, but because her relatives couldn’t witness how talented Sebastian really was.

They only met for a few minutes because he needed to catch a plane to Spain.

“He’s going to do some testing for an F1 team called BMW Sauber,” Hanna explained to her aunt, but the aunt didn’t seem to get how huge it was. She kept asking about Sebastian’s education. It was so annoying Hanna lied that he was going to study mechanical engineering.

 

*

 

_28 July 2006, Friday_

“When’s the race?” Amy asked over the phone.

“In an hour. Gosh, it’s so hot… I’m glad nobody’s home. I think I’ll undress to my underwear…” Hanna replied, fanning herself with a magazine.

“Your parents aren’t watching?”

“They’re on a trip with my brother.”

“What about Mathilda and Ralf?”

“They’re out of town too… By the way, Sebastian’s still not talking to Ralf. It bothers me a lot. Sometimes he’s so stubborn I just… it makes me want to scream.”

“Such a shame. Ralf’s a nice guy. And helpful.”

“Sebastian says that he’s making him doubt himself.”

“Sebastian is a dreamer, Ralf is more realistic.”

“You don’t know how Sebastian’s mind works. It’s complicated,” Hanna said, well aware that she wouldn’t be able to explain it even if she tried.

“You haven’t been to Italy yet, have you?” Amy asked. “I remember you mentioning Rimini.”

“It was just Sebastian. He was there for a race. He’s taking part in that other series now. It’s called World Series by Renault. Not sure what’s that about, because it started in April and he only joined two weeks ago. He did very well and was even promoted to first after the second race because the winner, Maldonado, was disqualified. It boosted his confidence a lot. He really wants to win the title this year. At the moment it’s very close between him and Di Resta… Well, Paul is slightly ahead. The last two weeks were intense. Last weekend he was at Norisring with the Formula 3 team and now he’s in Belgium for another round of the World Series by Renault.”

“That’s the race you’re about to watch?”

“Yes. He called me this morning. It’s raining. And Spa is a very fast circuit. He seemed excited. Meanwhile I should probably open a bottle of wine because I hate wet races.”

“Wine is always good,” Amy chuckled. “So, going back to Italy, have you chosen a specific destination?”

“Yes. We’re going to Sardinia. We’ll be staying in a small hotel close to the beach.”

“Sounds nice.”

“We both like swimming, so…” Hanna realized she started blushing. Luckily, Amy couldn’t see her. “Sebastian has to take part in a race called Ultimate Masters of F3 at the beginning of August, but as soon as he’s back, we’re flying off to Cagliari.”

“How long will you stay there?”

“Ten days.”

“Nice.”

“I wish it was August already,” Hanna said, feeling warm tingling in her belly. “Do you want me to send you a postcard?”

“That would be nice.”

“Okay. It was great talking to you, but I better prepare myself for the race.”

“You mean you haven’t opened the wine yet.”

“You know me well.”

“Okay, we’ll talk later. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for Sebastian.”

“Thank you. Bye.”

 

*

 

Instead of grabbing a bottle of wine from her parents’ collection, Hanna took a large bucket of ice cream from the fridge. She needed something that would cool her down, not to make her more emotional.

“What the fuck is that?” she said to herself when the race coverage began and she saw the puddles on the tarmac. She didn’t like cursing in other people’s presence, unless she needed to express her anger in an effective way, but when she was alone… sometimes she sounded just like Sebastian. He would smile if he could hear her.

Spa was one of Sebastian’s favourite tracks. He was always getting excited while watching the F1 cars flying down and up the Eau Rouge.

He was starting from fourth position. Usually, at this point Mathilda would ask Hanna to hold her hand and pray for Sebastian’s safety (“and for other stuff”).

“God, keep him safe,” Hanna whispered. The conditions were so traitorous, two cars didn’t even make the grid.

Feeling her stomach knot, Hanna put her feet on the sofa and hugged her knees. _That’s not a Formula 3 race_ , she reminded herself. _Di Resta’s not on the grid to take points away from him. So calm down…_

3… 2… 1… The race has started.

 

*

 

The first thing she heard was the roar of engines. She cringed as her ears started to ring.

_Where am I?_

Blinking, she looked around. She was lying on the living room’s floor, the TV was on, shattered glass everywhere.

She sat up, a strong headache making her nauseous. She lifted a hand to touch her temple and noticed blood on her fingers.

_What the heck…_

_Just breathe. Don’t panic._

She studied her hand; there was a small cut on her palm. Small bits of glass still embedded in the skin. Blood never bothered her much, so she just carefully got rid of the glass and looked around for something to press to the wound.

 _Jesus Christ…_ The glass coffee table next to her was destroyed. A bucket was lying on the rug, melted ice cream dripping out.

Hanna grabbed a few tissues and pressed them to her palm. She looked up at the TV, frowning with confusion.

Before she had the chance to collect herself, her phone rang. It was somewhere in the room, but she couldn’t spot it. She stood up, grimacing until the room stopped spinning.

 _I must’ve tripped or something_ , she realized, trying to locate her phone.

Finally, she found it on the floor behind a large flowerpot. She checked the caller ID. It was Sebastian’s sister, Stefanie.

Suddenly, it started coming back to her. She was watching the race. The two first laps were completed behind the safety car, then the real race got underway. Soon after there was a crash between two cars that brought out the safety car again. At that point Sebastian was right on the leader’s tail. She wasn’t sure what had exactly happened, but it looked like he was caught out by a pool of water and started to slide. He went off-course and struck the tire barriers. There was debris flying everywhere, the other car closing in rapidly…

She pressed the phone to her ear, her hands shaking. “Stefanie? Hi.”

“Are you watching the race?”

“I… was…”

“I just spoke to dad. Sebastian’s being taken to a hospital.”

Hanna stomach dropped. She sat down. “I think I passed out… I was watching the race, I remember that he crashed into the barriers and then nothing. Is he conscious?”

“Dad said that he nearly fainted when he saw the blood.”

“Blood…” Hanna looked at her hand. “I don’t feel well… Could you… come over? My parents aren't home.”

“Don’t panic. I’ll be right with you.”

 

*

 

Stefanie arrived a few minutes later. “Oh, honey…” she pulled Hanna into a hug.

“Are there any news?” Hanna asked, wiping the tears off her cheeks. “Is he conscious?”

“You already asked that. The problem wasn’t the crash itself. A piece of wreckage from the crash hit his finger, cutting through the bone. Dad said that it was a mess.”

Hanna swallowed. “Cutting through the bone? Which bone?”

Just as Stefanie opened her mouth to explain, Hanna’s phone rang.

“It’s him!” she pressed it to her ear. “Hi.”

“It’s me, I’m fine.” Judging by the sound of his voice he wasn’t fine at all. “I thought that you might be worried.”

Hanna sat down on the sofa. “You thought right.”

“I’m slightly high from painkillers,” he said. “I’m at the hospital. Alone. Dad went back to the circuit to get mom and Fabian.”

“I’m afraid to ask, but… do you still have all your fingers?”

He laughed shortly. “Kind of. I lost a tip of my index finger, but the doctors sewed it back. They brought me in the ambulance to the hospital, the ambulance driver was probably crazier than all of the racing drivers together. I was put into a wheelchair, even though there was nothing wrong with my legs. They gave me this funny dress like an old woman's dress.”

Hanna smiled through the tears. “I wish I could see you.”

Sebastian chuckled. “I’m wearing a huge cast which makes my right hand completely useless… An injury like this takes a few weeks to heal.”

“You can skip Zandvoort,” Hanna said. _And we could go to Italy a few days earlier!_

“No, I have to go there. Even if I won’t be able to race.” He was silent for a moment. “I need to call Ralf and apologize… After I jumped over the barrier and the adrenaline started to wear off, I felt the pain and it was so intense, so paralyzing, I was sure my fingers were crushed beyond repair. And the first thought in my head was: why couldn’t you just apply to college, you idiot!”

“Yes, call him. He’ll be glad.”

“I missed a call from Mathilda, so I guess they know about the crash.”

“They will be relieved to hear from you.”

“I better do it before mom’s back. She’s so shaken up, I get emotional when I see her. And my eyes are already swollen enough.”

“We’ll talk later. Get better, _Schnuckiputzi_.”

 

*

 

Stefanie was relieved to hear the news. “I wish he came back home and rested a bit, but there’s the F1 race at Hockenheim the day after tomorrow and he’s been invited to the BMW Sauber’s garage.”

“I know. He’s probably looking forward to it,” Hanna said. “And to spend some time with Michael.”

“Do you want to go to see the race? There’s an empty seat in my car.”

“Thank you, but… I think I need a break from racing. And… could you not mention to anyone what happened here?” Hanna looked at the glass on the floor. “I’m such a klutz… I need to learn how to control my reactions.”

“It gets better,” Stefanie said. “I remember him having a huge accident when he was a little boy. Seven or eight years old. It was heart breaking. There’s nothing worse than to see a child in pain. But it didn’t scare him away from racing. He was actually throwing tantrums because the doctor forbid him to race for a month. You should’ve seen his face when dad finally let him take the go kart out of the garage.”

“Looks like he’ll be out for at least a month again,” Hanna noticed.

Stefanie cracked a smile. “I wouldn’t bet on it.”

 

*

 

“Gotta get rid of this thing. I have trouble unzipping my trousers,” Sebastian said on Monday after they finally caught up. They were cuddling on Hanna’s bed, trying to keep it decent since Hanna’s dad was home.

Hanna looked at the cast on Sebastian’s hand. “I can help.”

“With the cast or with the unzipping?”

“Can’t do much about the cast,” Hanna said, trying to make a flirtatious face, but it felt weird.

“Okay… I actually need to pee right now, so…” Sebastian stood up and fixed his jeans with his left hand.

“You want me to go with you?”

“No, unzip it here.”

Hanna bit her lip. The zipper was super tiny, but even if it weren’t, she intended to be clumsy on purpose and fiddle with it more than she needed.

Sebastian was staring at her hand with a delicate smile. “Fabian’s better at this,” he said.

Hanna rolled her eyes.

“Can’t wait for Italy,” he said all of a sudden. “Though it’s a real shame that I won’t be able to use my hands the way I wanted.”

“That’s not a problem,” Hanna finally pulled the zipper down and looked up. “I have a cut on my hand too,” she lifted her palm.

“Yeah, about that. You haven’t told me what happened.” He grasped her wrist, studying the bandage on her hand.

“I tripped and fell on glass… You know how clumsy I am.”

Sebastian frowned. “You’re not clumsy at all.”

“It’s nothing serious. It’ll heal in a few days. Did you call Ralf?”

“I did. He’ll visit me tomorrow. I’m hoping to prepare a few college applications.”

“That’s good. Now, let’s apply another portion of the best medicine to each other.” Hanna leaned forward to kiss Sebastian on the lips.

“My zipper is still down… could you-“ his words turned into a soft moan as Hanna rested her hand on his crotch.

 

*

 

Before the visit at a local clinic, Sebastian got rid of the cast. The doctor wasn’t too happy about it, but he checked the stitching and decided to put a simple dressing on the finger.

“The nail or rather what’s left of it, is completely black,” Sebastian said.

“Does it hurt?” Hanna asked.

“If I press hard, yes. I don’t use that much force while shifting gears, so it should be okay.”

“You really want to drive in Zandvoort? You were supposed to be out for weeks. It’s been six days since the accident!”

“We’ll see. If it’s too painful or if I’m too slow, I won’t participate.”

 

*

 

He did participate, finishing in sixth place. He also set the third-fastest lap time, and it surprised his ASM team boss Frédéric Vasseur, who said: "I was impressed for sure, because at the beginning of the week I was sure he wouldn't race! But he showed good pace from the first practice session. I can't imagine he's hundred per cent but at least we know we can be competitive in the next F3 Euroseries round at the Nürburgring – that's important."

 

*

_7 August, 2006_

“Will this one be okay or do you want the bigger one?” Hanna’s dad asked as he entered Hanna’s room with a red luggage case.

Hanna threw a glance at the clothes on her bed. “The bigger one.”

She had the entire Monday to sort her luggage out. Sebastian wasn’t back from the Netherlands yet.

“What time do you want to leave for the airport?”

“At four in the morning. Sebastian’s dad can drive us if it’s too early for you.”

“Norbert’s almost as busy as Sebastian. He deserves some rest.”

“Okay, I’ll let Sebastian know. Thank you.”

 Her dad left to get the bigger suitcase.

 _How much clothes do I really need?_ Hanna wondered. _A few shirts and skirts… a bathing suit… the new white lingerie set…_

When she heard a car pull into the driveway, she took a peek out the window. Sebastian was just parking his sister’s Golf.

Hanna’s heart made a few jumps at his sight. She checked if the lingerie set was well hidden and ran to open the door.

“You’re back so early!” She leaned to give him a kiss.

The look on his face made her worry.

“Can we talk in your room?”

“Of course. Come in.”

Once he threw a glance on her bed, his expression became even more uneasy. “I just got a call from Mario. You remember Mario Theissen?”

“Of course. The motorsport director of the BMW Sauber team.”

“They were racing in Hungary yesterday…” He sat down at the edge of her bed, hesitant. “I don’t even know where to begin.”

Hanna sat next to him. “Take your time.”

“Jacques Villeneuve won’t race for BMW anymore. Robert Kubica replaced him last weekend. You remember Robert? He's their test driver this season. Well… their race driver now. And they want me to take his role!” His smile didn’t reach his eyes.

“That’s amazing!” Hanna exclaimed, rubbing his forearm. “Is it not?”

Sebastian looked at his hands, his eyes filling up with tears.

“What’s wrong?”

“If I take the job, I would have to start immediately. Like… tomorrow.”

Hanna sat up. Now she understood why he couldn’t look at her. And why he was crying.

“That’s really… unfortunate,” she said, tearing up as well.

“I don’t know what to do,” he sniffled. “This is all I ever wanted… going on vacation with you… just the two of us, finally alone. On the other hand, you know me. You know how big this offer is.”

He finally mustered some courage to turn to her. He grasped her hands and sniffled again. “We should go. If that’ll mean that they will hire some other driver, that’s fine. I’m still young. I have a championship to win and I might still have other offers if I do well in GP2 next year.”

Hanna studied Sebastian’s face, his big eyes glistening with tears. She never loved him more, even though… it wasn’t easy.

She recalled the moment when Mathilda’s classmate, Curious Kath, asked: what’s it like to be his girlfriend? No wonder she had hesitated and couldn’t come up with a response. It was way too personal and way too complicated to put into words.

She grabbed a box of tissues and handed them to Sebastian. She took one as well. They blew their noses at the same time.

“I’ll call Mario and tell him that I’ll pass. He likes me. He’ll still give me a chance next year,” Sebastian said before taking a deep breath as if a burden was lifted from his shoulders.

“Are you crazy?” Hanna asked, feeling a strange wave of emotion that pushed the sadness and disappointment away. “You can’t say no to an offer like that! That’s a perfect team for you, Sebastian. Mario loves you. Robert and Nick are great guys. Of course I’m sad and a bit angry because… we had such awesome plans, but… we can go on vacation some other time.”

Instead of cheering up he started crying again. “This is so unfair.”

“It’s okay,” Hanna took a clean tissue and started drying up his cheeks and lips. “I love you. I know how much Formula 1 means to you and it would be really selfish to keep you from signing that contract.”

“I love you so much and I’m so sorry.” He grasped her wrist and gently pressed his lips to her hand.

She could feel his love and gratitude; it was warming her soul.

“You better call Mario straight away or he’ll think you’re not interested,” she suggested.

“I need to go home. I haven’t even unpacked yet. Thank you again. You can’t even imagine how much this means to me.”

“I think I can.”

 

 *

 

“What was that about?” Hanna’s dad was smart enough not to ask until Sebastian was gone. “Couldn’t find the red one, but this one’s the right size, isn’t it?” he asked, bringing a black luggage case.

“I won’t need it,” Hanna said, her voice breaking.

“What do you mean?”

“We’re not going to Italy…” She wanted to be strong, but the tears kept streaming down her cheeks anyway. “Sebastian was just offered a contract from BMW Sauber. He’ll be their third driver. And he’s needed at the factory.”

Her dad’s face hardened. “I don’t know what to say.”

“And I don’t want to talk about it, so if you could just take the luggage cases and leave-”

“Okay. But if you’ll need anything, just… tell me, okay?”

“I’m fine. I just need to… process some things in my head.”

She tidied up her room, crying a little. It was hard to let go of the amazing things she was looking forward to. The beach, the tasty Italian food, the sun, her precious Sebastian night and day.

What was it like to be his girlfriend? Not all moonlight and roses. Mathilda was right.

 

*

 

_A few days later_

“Are you home?”

“Yes… just got out of the shower.” Pressing the phone to her ear, Hanna reached for a bathrobe.

“Look out the window.”

Hanna put the bathrobe on and approached the window. Sebastian was standing next to a nice new BMW.

He waved at her. “They gave me a car!” he exclaimed, his voice filled with pure joy. “It’s my car!!! Want to go for a ride?”

“Sure! Let me just put some clothes on.”

“No hurry. I actually need to talk to your dad first.”

“About what?”

“I’ll tell you after I talk to him.”

She put on a pair of slippers and went to open the door. It was already late, her dad was watching the news.

“Why do you want to talk to him?” Hanna whispered, letting Sebastian in.

“Because I do,” he said, a cheeky smile on his face.

Hanna pursed her lips. She wasn’t curious at all… They rarely did anything without discussing it first and now she seemed to be out of the loop.

“Dad, Sebastian wants to talk to you.”

“Oh, good evening.” Hanna’s dad sat up, his face tense. He was probably as anxious as Hanna was.

Sebastian shook his hand. “As you’ve probably heard, I signed a contract with BMW Sauber. I will be spending a lot of time in their headquarters in Hilwil. I wondered, if you could help me to find a nice flat near Zurich.”

Hanna’s dad seemed relieved. “Of course! You want to buy something or just rent?”

“I don’t know… depends on what you’ll find.”

“I would need to know how much money do you want to spend.”

“Ehm… I need to check my account and discuss it with my dad.”

“That’s okay. Give me a call when you know all the details.”

“I will. Thank you.”

“Do you want to see Sebastian’s new car?” Hanna asked, knowing that Sebastian wouldn’t brag about it.

 _Herr_ Prater cocked an eyebrow. “You got a car?”

“That's how you get paid in F1. You get a car first… it’s a BMW X3.”

“I need to go and check it out.”

“And I’ll go and change,” Hanna gave Sebastian a quick peck on the lips and ran to her room.

When she was putting a skirt on (obviously), she could hear Sebastian’s voice. He was praising his new car. Someone opened the door and closed it a few seconds later. It got silent.

 _Dad’s probably checking the interior_ , Hanna thought, putting a shirt on. Out of curiosity she approached the window. Sebastian turned the engine on… No, it wasn’t Sebastian. It was her dad! Her dad was just pulling away while Sebastian was in the passenger seat.

“Hey!”

Sebastian turned his head, an apologetic smile on his face. He lifted his hands as if saying: Nothing I can do, it’s your dad!

They drove away. Hanna let out an irritated groan… But she couldn’t feel angry for long. She loved the idea of Sebastian and her dad spending time together. And she loved the idea of Sebastian owning a flat in Switzerland!

She lunged to her laptop, typed ‘apartments near Zurich for rent’ and clicked ‘search’ , smiling at the screen.


	26. I exist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by Hanna's appearance in the F1 paddock during the Italian GP 2006.

Since Sebastian started his F1 carrier as a testing driver, Hanna couldn’t keep herself from Googling his name. She was up to date with everything that was happening to him, because they were talking over the phone almost every day. But still, she was curious about other people’s opinions.

That morning, as she was reading an article about Sebastian’s ‘adventures’ in Turkey, she couldn’t stop grinning.

 

> _BMW Sauber test driver Sebastian Vettel made a fine start to his Formula One career by finishing fastest in Friday's practice for the Turkish Grand Prix. The German, 19, clocked one minute 28.091 seconds, 0.073 seconds quicker than Ferrari's Felipe Massa._
> 
> _Vettel stepped up to become BMW Sauber's test driver as part of the reshuffle which followed Jacques Villeneuve's departure._
> 
> _He was fined £500 in morning practice for pit-lane speeding just nine seconds into his debut. But the teenager ended up third before topping the times in the second session._
> 
> _"I am surprised at this result," said Vettel. "It has been difficult for me as I didn't know the circuit and have had only one proper Formula One test. My second session was a lot quicker, and on top of that I learnt two Formula One lessons on my first day. In the first session I forgot to press the pit lane speed limiter, which is going to be expensive, and after the second session the system chose me for a drug test."_

Sebastian had already told Hanna about the drug test and how he couldn’t stop peeing even though the container was already full.

Hanna kept searching for more news. She found a link to a fan forum so she clicked on it and started reading.

 

> _“That new BMW driver is super cute,” a girl named Samantha wrote. A photo of a smiling Sebastian was attached to the post._
> 
> _“Yes! His name is Sebastian Vettel. He’s 19,” someone by the username Aku90 replied._
> 
> _“Does he have a girlfriend?”_
> 
> _“No idea. But I hope he doesn’t. His eyes are so pretty.”_
> 
> _“Maybe he’s gay.”_
> 
> _“Shut up, you’re gay.”_
> 
> _“Hi, I know someone from Heppenheim where Vettel lives,” another person joined the thread. “She could ask around if he’s single.”_
> 
> _“Please do!” Samantha seemed very curious._
> 
> _“I don’t care,” Aku90 commented. “Doesn’t matter unless he’s married.”_
> 
> _“Can you post more pictures of him? I love his hair!”_
> 
> _“Check my blog.”_

Hanna checked the blog. _Yes, he is pretty_ , she thought, scrolling down the photos of Sebastian from the paddock. There was so much happiness in his eyes and in his smile, Hanna knew he was exactly where he belonged.

 

*

 

After coming back from Turkey Sebastian stayed at home for two days. Now that he had his own car, it was easier for Hanna and him to get some privacy.

“I have so much to tell you,” he said as they were cuddling on the back seat. “But there’s also so much that I want to do… and we have only a few hours”

“Let’s start from talking,” Hanna proposed. It wasn’t dark yet and she was always worried that someone might see them... do stuff.

“I had a chat with Michael.”

“I saw a photo of you standing in front of his car on the grid. _Sebastian Vettel with a grid girl._ ”

"What?"

"That was the capture."

“I don’t remember any grid girl… but I guess there had to be one next to the car.”

“I started reading those fan forums and…” Hanna frowned, hoping not to spoil the mood. “You seem to have a lot of young fans.”

“Probably because I’m young too.”

“Female fans, I meant.”

He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “That’s not unusual.”

“I know, I’m not surprised. I’m a girl and I’m crazy about you. Other girls have eyes too.”

“So… what’s the problem?” he asked, leaning away to look her in the eye. “I don’t know if that’s even necessary to say, but you have nothing to worry about.”

Hanna leaned forward to give him a delicate kiss. “I’m not worried. I know what it’s like.”

“You do?”

“Every time I’m in Italy with my parents, I get a lot of attention from Italian boys… _Ciao, bella_  and so on. I think they like my hair…”

“Your hair, sure…” Sebastian’s gaze moved down Hanna’s body.

“My point is that I totally get why other girls are interested in you. But they were also curious if you had a girlfriend.”

“I’m sure I mentioned you in one of the old interviews. I can do it again, but what if it’s not enough? People will only get more curious. They will want to know who you are and what you do.”

“But at least they will know that I really exist.”

“I’ll try to make my relationship status clear at the first opportunity,” he assured her.

They’re rubbed their noses together, teasing each other by keeping their lips as close as possible without kissing.

“Or you could accompany me to the paddock in Monza,” Sebastian said, moving away.

Hanna looked him in the eye. “We wanted to keep our relationship private.”

“But not the fact that it exists, right?” he shuffled on the seat, his eyes filling with excitement. “I could introduce you to Robert and Nick. And Michael! And some other friends. There won’t be another chance this season unless you want to fly to China or Brazil.”

“Right… I forgot we won’t see each other for over a month.”

“I’m flying to Italy from Spain, so you would have to get to Monza by yourself. But we could stay there for a few days after the race and spend some time together before I disappear.”

“All sounds great, but you forgot one little thing,” Hanna said, fixing Sebastian’s collar. “I have school.”

Sebastian sighed. “Next year then.”

“I could get to Italy on Saturday. Or even Friday later in the evening… I’ll ask dad if he could drive me to Frankfurt. What’s the best way to get to Monza from the airport?”

Sebastian’s eyes filled with hope. “I’ll ask Mario if they could send someone to pick you up.”

“Is that okay? I don’t want to be a burden.”

“No! That’s not a problem. I’ll take care of everything.”

Hanna smiled. “I made you happy, didn’t I?” She rubbed their noses together again, but this time Sebastian stole a kiss from her.

“Very happy!”

 

*

 

They decided that Hanna will appear in the public area only once, on Saturday morning. Sebastian was sure it would be enough. He was more excited about introducing her to his friends and colleagues.

After the plane from Frankfurt to Milan touched down, Hanna pressed a hand to her stomach. It always hurt when she was stressed. She still had the entire night to get used to the idea of an official appearance in the F1 paddock, but she knew her anxiousness would only grow. She was stressed about everything: her hair, her clothes, her skin…

When she turned her phone on, she noticed that Sebastian was trying to call her four times.

She called him back. “I’m already at the airport. As soon as I get my luggage, I’m going to look for the driver.”

“Yeah, about that. There’s been a change of plans. I cancelled the driver.”

“What?” Hanna stopped and people following her nearly bumped into her.

“I wanted to tell you, but you turned your phone off. Michael’s wife, Corinna, was on your flight. She should be waiting for you near the baggage carousel. I gave her your number just in case.”

 

“That’s really nice. Will we see each other today?”

“I don’t think so… We’ll meet in the paddock tomorrow morning.”

“Okay, have a nice evening then.”

“You too.”

Hanna slipped the phone into her pocket.

She couldn’t spot Michael’s wife in the crowd, so she grabbed her small luggage and stepped away from the carousel. As she watched other passengers leave with their bags and suitcases, she felt someone’s stare. She turned her head. It was an elegantly dressed blond woman. She was wearing huge sunglasses that were covering almost a half of her face, but Hanna managed to recognize her.

After Hanna walked up, Corinna took the sunglasses off and smiled. “As pretty as I was told,” she said, opening her arms. “Nice to meet you.”

“Likewise,” Hanna said, kissing Corinna on the cheek. “I hope I’m not bothering you.”

“No, not at all. My driver’s waiting outside. Are you ready to leave?”

Hanna nodded.

 

*

 

The driver took their baggage. Corinna and Hanna took the backseat. After the man sat behind the wheel, Corinna had a short conversation with him in Italian. The man turned some quiet music on and focused on driving.

Corinna turned to Hanna. “Sebastian told me about your plan. I think it’s a good idea. Even if you’re a shy or a private person, it’s important to let Sebastian’s fans know that you’re part of his life.”

“I never know how to behave when people are photographing me… I don’t even know what to wear tomorrow. How warm will it be in the morning?”

“The key is to feel comfortable. Be yourself. If you like mini-skirts, wear a mini. If you prefer jeans, put your favourite jeans on. People will always have their opinions even if something is not their business.”

“I’m trying to get used to Sebastian’s female fans…” Hanna said, fiddling with a bracelet on her wrist.

“It’s tough at the beginning. Because everything looks and sound suspicious or even wrong. You will see photos of him smiling to girls and hugging girls and joking with girls. Every time he will say something funny or nice to a girl, people will call it flirting and even cheating. There’s no way to avoid it. But you have to remember that it is just how the ‘gossip’ media sees it, because they need something to write about. It’s their reality, not yours. Not Sebastian’s.”

“I know. He already explained it to me. He gets a bit shy around pretty girls and starts acting funny, but there’s nothing wrong with it. It’s the same with me when I meet someone attractive.”

Corinna smiled. “I see you already talked about it with Sebastian.”

“Yes… we talk about everything.”

“That’s good. And very important.”

The car stopped, stuck in traffic. Hanna was glad, because she still had a lot of questions.

“Can I ask you a personal question?”

“Of course.”

“This year is my final year in Gymnasium, but I still haven't decided what to do afterwards. Sebastian’s looking for a flat in Switzerland. I would love to move in with him, but… I want to study in Germany. Let’s say I’ll pick a University… I will most likely live on campus. Since I don’t have a driving licence not to mention a car, we will barely see each other at all and it scares me. I feel tempted to forget about the studying… I could find a job in Switzerland and travel with him…”

Corinna started shaking her head when Hanna was still talking. “F1 drivers are busy men. You can spend your life waiting for them to come back from their voyages, or you can have your own life. You need to focus on your education, make friends, gain experience and learn. He has a job that is his passion, you need to find yours. For me it's horse riding and taking care of animals in general. I'm not mentioning children because you probably don't think about having your own family yet. Before you get there, you will feel lonely from time to time, but so will Sebastian. Luckily, we have phones and the Internet now. You’ll find a way to keep in touch. You have to learn how to make your relationship work, because that’s how it’s going to be for the rest of Sebastian’s carrier. At some point you might even decide that it doesn’t work for you. And that’s okay-“

Hanna couldn’t even imagine that scenario without getting painfully anxious. “Sometimes I feel like he wants me to travel with him, but he wouldn't dare to suggest it because it would be a huge sacrifice for me.”

“There’s no time for family and friends during race weekends, Hanna. It might sound harsh, but it’s true. Our presence is distracting more often than not. What our loved ones need is to know that we love them and that they make us happy.” Corinna put a hand on Hanna’s shoulder. “Obviously, it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t travel with Sebastian at all. If you have some spare time, you should invite your friends to travel with you. Or go with your family. See new places, eat new food. Have a nice trip while staying close to Sebastian. He won’t have time for you during the day, but he’ll be grateful that he’s able to cuddle up to you at night. Especially after a difficult day.”

Hanna played with her bracelet again. _He’s my whole world_ , she thought. _I never expected it to be a bad thing._

Corinna studied her with a friendly smile. “Young love is intense. I don't mean it in an offensive way but... it’s the hormones. They make everything ten times more pleasant and ten times more scary. But there’s nothing to be worried about. Sebastian’s a good boy. And you seem like a reasonable girl. Once you figure out what you want to do with your life, you can think about moving in together.”

They stopped on a parking lot next to a small hotel. Hanna looked out the window. It was her hotel. But Corinna wasn’t staying there.

“I’m going to be in the paddock only on Sunday. If you need anything, call me,” she said after giving Hanna her number. “Marco will drive you to the track tomorrow morning. He’ll be here at nine.”

“Thank you for all the advice,” Hanna said, giving Corinna a kiss on the cheek. “I still have so many questions.”

“I know that Michael invited Sebastian to visit our ranch after the season’s over. You should come with him.”

“I would love to. Thank you again.”

“Not a problem. Have fun and… good luck to you and Sebastian.”

“Thank you. All the best to your family as well.”

 

*

 

The next morning Hanna was so nervous, she couldn’t eat. She was planning to put a dress on, but it felt too cold, so she chose a pair of dark brown trousers and a taupe shirt that suddenly felt way too tight. She could see the outline of her entire bra.

The necklace Sebastian had given her on their first date was lying on the cabinet, but she still had to pick a bracelet.

 _Be yourself_ , she remembered Corina’s advice. _No makeup then. Maybe a bit of mascara._

Hanna studied her reflection in the mirror. She just woke up so the skin around her eyes was a bit puffy. And thanks to her dad’s genes, she always had a bit of a shadow under her eyes, which now looked terrible.

_I should probably hide those big ears of mine… And my forehead!_

She kept her hair loose and put a pair of sunglasses on to cover her eyes.

_I hope the freckles on my nose won’t look like breakouts._

Just in case, she powdered her nose and cheeks.

_I could as well put some blush on… God, my hair looks so flat!_

She started getting annoyed with herself. The driver was already waiting. She put a pair of sandals on, grabbed her bag and left.

 

*

 

There was a small crowd gathered at the entrance to the paddock. Some people were waiting in the line to get in, some were just waiting for the ‘celebrities’ to show up.

Hanna approached the line, realizing she had no pass. Sebastian was supposed to bring it, but he wasn’t around yet.

She had left the hotel in such a hurry, she forget the jewelry!

Nobody was recognizing her. _Yet_ , she thought, starting to have some second thoughts.

But when she spotted a slender figure of her shaggy boyfriend, all she wanted was to run up to him.

He stopped near the security guards at the entrance and looked straight at her, as if he could feel her stare.

He waved his hand, inviting her in. It felt wrong to skip the line, but nobody was protesting. Just the opposite, people started grabbing their cameras. A few fans approached Sebastian asking for his signature.

A guard was already checking the pass Sebastian had given him.

“Have a nice day,” he said to Hanna, giving her the pass and an official race bulletin.

“Hi,” Sebastian looked at her while signing a poster. “Did you sleep well?”

“Yes,” she said, because there were people around listening and she didn’t want to sound like a whiner.

Some other people were approaching, but they turned as soon as a white Mercedes pulled up the gate.

“It’s Kimi,” Sebastian said, dropping a marker. The owner picked it up and ran to the gate, probably sniffing a chance to get Raikkonen’s signature.

“Nobody will pay attention to us now,” Sebastian laughed. “You look lovely, as usual,” he added, giving Hanna a light kiss on the lips.

“And you look sleepy,” Hanna said, studying his face.

“Yeah… I went to bed very late…” Sebastian led the way toward the BWM hospitality. "Can I take a look?"

Hanna handed him the bulletin. “Are you sure that’s your shirt?”

“It’s too big. I know. The trousers too, but I saw Kimi wearing a similar pair yesterday, so maybe it’s a trend.”

Hanna looked him up and down. He was leafing through the bulletin, but seemed barely awake. His hair was a mess, yet he was freshly shaved.

“How did your meeting with Corinna go?”

“She’s amazing! I had a nice chat with her. I still have so many question, but I’m sure we’ll talk in the future.”

“Questions?”

“Maybe we should hold hands… I don’t see any photographers… Are you sure we’re doing it right?”

Yawning, he looked up. “Don’t worry. That’s the right way. I’ve already seen Christian Klien with his girlfriend and Rubens with his wife…”

A group of girls in miniskirts and cropped tops walked by. Sebastian looked up, his eyes sparkled. Hanna followed his gaze. He wasn’t looking at the girls, but at some men dressed in red.

“They work with Michael,” he said before approaching the Ferrari team members.

Hanna was surprised by how many people he knew in the paddock, but also by how many people knew him. He seemed to have something to chat about not just with the people from his own team, but also many others.

She noticed that he was trying not to ignore her, but it was hard for her to join the racing related conversations. He introduced her only to a few people. He said she was from Heppenheim and wanted to see the paddock and that was it.

Once they got to the BWM hospitality, they met Nick Heidfeld. His hair looked as messy as Seb’s.

“Nice to meet you,” he said, shaking Hanna’s hand. Sebastian looked super tall next to him, unlike when he stood next to Robert Kubica.

“Hi, nice to finally meet you,” the tall Pole extended his hand to Hanna. “Sebastian told me a lot about you.”

“Just the nice things I hope,” Hanna grinned.

Robert smiled. Hanna liked his friendly face. “Only good things,” he confirmed with a strong accent. “He said you love Italy. I hope you’re having fun.”

“Oh… I just got here, but I like the atmosphere.”

 

*

 

After a small breakfast, they went to look for Michael, but he hasn’t arrived from his hotel yet. Someone else showed up instead – Sebastian’s dad.

“We should probably go and take our seats,” he said to Hanna.

Hanna nodded. “When will I see you again?” she turned to Sebastian.

“An hour or two after the qualifying,” he said. “I’ll do my best to talk to Michael. Maybe we could all hang out later in the evening.”

“That would be awesome.”

 

*

 

“He seemed in a hurry, I didn’t want to bother him,” Sebastian explained when they met in a cafeteria. “He’s a Ferrari driver and we’re in Italy. I should’ve known that he’ll be busy.”

“Corinna said that we can visit them at their ranch during the winter break,” Hanna said.

“I haven’t seen her in the paddock yet.”

“She said, she’ll only visit tomorrow.”

“That’s weird because she usually avoids the biggest crowds.”

 

*

 

Soon enough, it became clear why Corinna wanted to join her husband on Sunday. And why Michael was so busy. He won the race. Hanna was sure Sebastian was really happy about it, especially since Kimi Raikkonen finished the race second and Sebastian's 'teammate' Robert was third.

Hanna was on her way out from the grandstands when Sebastian’s dad showed her his phone. “He’s retiring. That’s official.”

Hanna frowned. “Who?”

“Michael. He’s retiring at the end of this season. That was his last Italian Grand Prix. Sebastian won’t like it. He always believed that one day he’ll race against Michael. That dream is gone now…”

 

*

 

Hanna was flying back to Germany on Sunday evening. Sebastian borrowed a car from someone from the BMW team and offered to drive her to the airport.

“He told me a few weeks ago,” he said after Hanna mentioned Michael’s retirement. “I hoped he’d change his mind, but… he didn’t.”

“I’m sure he had his reasons.”

“There’s more to life than just racing.”

Hanna studied Sebastian’s face. Was that a quote or his own words?

“I agree with that, but… Formula One won’t be the same without him.”

Hanna put a hand on Sebastian’s shoulder. “I’m really sorry…”

Sebastian sighed heavily. “Not sure why it bothers me. He’ll be around after all. And from what I heard, Kimi might be his replacement. I wouldn’t be surprised. Kimi is very fast.”

Hanna smiled. Seb had a new idol.

 

*

 

Waiting for her flight, Hanna once more went through the photos on her phone. Sebastian was right. Even though she couldn’t see any photographers, someone took their photos as they were walking down the paddock.

Filled with curiosity but also anxiousness, she found the link to the fan forum. Looked like the fans had already discovered her pictures.

 

> _“Is that his girlfriend? She looks old.”_
> 
> _“Nice body! Way too hot for him.”_
> 
> _“I think that’s his sister, guys. He’s not really into her. Just look at their body language. He’s focused on reading. She’s basically talking to herself. ” The user named Aku90 was clearly in denial._
> 
> _“Her name is Hanna. He mentioned her in an interview two years ago.”_
> 
> _“Two years? Wow.”_
> 
> _“They look cute together!”_
> 
> _“I like her outfit. Very modest for an F1 paddock.”_
> 
> _“They’re not even holding hands. I really think that’s his sister.”_

With a heavy sigh, Hanna turned her phone off and promised herself not to check the fan forum ever again.


	27. Walchwil

Before Sebastian left for China, they had been seeing each other almost every day. They were chatting and kissing on the backseat of Sebastian’s car.

One time they were making out five hours straight. Hanna kept reliving that memory. It was nearly a torture. Sebastian’s kisses were so stimulating, her body gave up even though he was only touching her breast. The pleasure was so sharp she needed a while to recover. Meanwhile… he waited patiently, flushed and turn-on. He waited until she was in control of her body again so she could slip a hand down his sweatpants.

Sebastian said that thanks to all the travelling he no longer had problems with packing his luggage. He was becoming more self-dependent every day. He was even doing his own laundry. As Hanna was stroking his wet underwear, she understood why.

Since he left, they were Skyping as often as they could, but it obviously wasn't the same. If during a Skype session Sebastian was sitting behind a table, it meant that his roommate was nearby or could come back anytime. If Sebastian was sitting on a bed with the laptop on his lap, it meant that he was alone. Sometimes as they would whisper sweet nothings to each other, Hanna would unbutton her shirt. She would tell Sebastian how much she missed his touch and he would ask for spicy details.

She was always the one to say “goodnight” first because she didn’t want him to lose the precious hours of sleep. Wearing a fierce blush on her cheeks, she would turn the laptop off and rest on her bed, staring at the ceiling and waiting for the arousal to dissipate into nothingness.

 

*

 

From China to Japan. From Japan to France where Sebastian could finally race again.

Hanna expected to see even a bigger smile on his face than the one he was wearing in the F1 paddock. But he looked tired and grumpy. The race results weren’t uplifting at all. P9 on Saturday. P9 on Sunday. Meanwhile Paul won the first race and finished sixth in the second one.

“I was third, but then I made that stupid mistake,” Sebastian said to Hanna the evening after the race. “Very stupid…”

“It was a good effort for someone who just got back from the other side of the world and can’t sleep because of that,” Hanna said.

He shook his head. “I don’t think I can do this, Hanna. I need at least 14 points to beat Paul…”

“There’s still the last round at Hockenheim. I’ll be there with our friends to support you. Your whole family will be there. We believe in you, Sebastian.”

“I’ll do what I can,” he said, but he sounded like he’d already given up.

He needed a distraction. Luckily Hanna had something up her sleeve. “I had a nice dream. Do you want to hear about it?”

He nodded.

“We were in an unfamiliar apartment and you came back from somewhere. I was greeting you… completely naked. There were other people around and I didn’t want them to see me, so I was hiding in a room with the light off. I had so much fun, I started to giggle. You looked at me with surprise and took me in your arms. It felt nice to press my body to yours… I felt safe. And comfortable.”

Sebastian bit his lip. “So… what did we do next?”

“Nothing. We were just hugging. I remember your hands on my butt and that’s all.”

“Sounds like something we should try soon.”

“I agree.”

“Without other people around though.”

Hanna smiled. “Have you checked the property offers my dad found for you?”

“I did. I like two of them. But I won’t make any decision before seeing the flats with my own eyes.”

“Have you checked the one in Walchwil? I think I like it the most. The view is amazing. It’s close to the lake. And there’s a train station nearby.”

“It’s an hour away from the factory.”

“I know, that’s quite far. And it’s unfurnished.”

“That’s actually good. I have very specific needs when it comes to furniture.”

Hanna’s eyebrows went up with surprise. “What needs?”

“I need a huge bed. Once this season’s over I’m going to sleep twenty four hours straight.”

“Oh… I thought you had something else in mind.”

Sebastian smiled, not a trace of sadness left in his eyes.

 

*

 

From France Sebastian travelled to Brazil.

“I don’t know if we’re here for the racing or the partying,” he said to Hanna when they were Skyping on Friday. “There are parties every night. Everyone’s going to the end of the season party on Sunday. Everyone except me because I need to get back to Europe for the last round of Formula 3.”

“I thought you didn’t like parties,” Hanna said.

“I don’t. But I would make an exception for this one. After a long, exhausting season everyone deserves to get drunk.”

“We will get drunk together after Hockenheim.”

“That would be a waste of time. There are far better things we can do together.”

“What things?”

“For example we can go furniture shopping.” Sebastian grabbed his laptop.

As he was walking, Hanna could see the closet in the hotel room, his running shoes on the floor by the bed.

“Nick and Robert are out for some promotional stuff, so I’m alone at the moment,” he said. “They should be back in two hours.” He lied down on the bed and put the laptop on his ribs. “Mario thinks I’m taking a nap…”

“If you want to rest, we can talk tomorrow.”

“I’m resting. Did you have any new dreams recently?”

Hanna glanced at the door in her room. Her parents were probably already asleep.

“I did. We were on a tropical island and you were climbing coconut trees.”

“I hope I wasn’t naked…”

Hanna laughed quietly. “No, you had white shorts on. But they were kind of transparent.”

“What were you wearing?”

“I… I think I was topless.”

“Oh… good…” Sebastian sighed. “Go on.”

“That’s all I remember.”

She expected to hear his disappointed growl, but he kept silent.

“What are you thinking about?”

“I’m glad that we can talk, but… I still miss you. I miss being close to you.”

“I miss you too,” Hanna said.

It’s been almost a month since the last time they touched but it felt like a year.

 

*

 

_Hockenheim, 28 October 2006, Saturday_

“It worked, my prayers worked!” Mathilda exclaimed, completely not bothered by the people sitting around them. Some of them could have been Di Resta’s fans. And Di Resta had just received a drive through penalty for jumping the start.

At least a few people shared Mathilda’s enthusiasm. Hanna, Ralf, Amy and Howard among them.

“He can do it,” Ralf kept repeating.

Hanna recalled the beginning of the season and Sebastian’s first victory in Formula 3. He knew how to do it.

Soon enough he overtook Buemi and was running second.

Even though Hanna was really nervous, because she knew how much was at stake, she preferred this race over the one in Spa that she had watched alone at home. Whenever something scary was happening, Mathilda would grab her hand. Whenever she was getting worried, she would look at Ralf and he always knew what to say to calm her down.

“Push, push, push!” Hanna could hear Howard’s voice coming from the seat behind her.

Sebastian pushed so hard, he outbraked himself and lost a place. He nearly lost two!

“Okay, take it easy…” Howard changed his mind.

“There’s still time,” Ralf said.

There was, but Sebastian didn’t seem to make any progress. If anything, he had to defend to keep the third place.

But the championship leader Paul Di Resta had his own share of trouble. After running wide he ran off the track and lost one position.

“Paul is P10 now,” Mathilda noticed. “Is the championship fight still on?”

Hanna shook her head, her heart breaking in million pieces. “If it’s stays like this, Paul will win the title.”

Every time Hanna could see Sebastian’s car, she was trying to imagine his face. What was he thinking?

_How can I make him feel better? How can I help him get over this huge disappointment?_

The race ended. Sebastian finished on the podium, but P3 wasn’t enough to keep his championship hopes alive for tomorrow’s race.

“Crap…” Mathilda moaned as they watched Di Resta’s family and crew celebrate the special moment. “Look at that banner! Ours was way better.”

“Sebastian will need our support now,” Ralf said. “Hanna… are you okay?”

She couldn’t see anything trough the veil of tears.

“It’s okay, he’ll be fine,” Ralf said.

Mathilda whispered something to him.

“What?”

“Hug her.”

Hanna accepted Ralf's hug. “I’m okay,” she said with conviction. “I’m just sad, because I know how much it meant for Sebastian.” She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. “Thank you,” she said to Ralf. “Hugs are always great.”

 

*

 

Hanna wasn’t surprised when Sebastian sent her a message that he would be busy until the late evening. He asked her if she could take care of their friends.

“He must be devastated,” Mathilda said. “But I guess he doesn’t need our pity.”

“It’s not pity,” Ralf protested. “It’s support. He needs to know that we don’t care about his racing achievements. We care about him.”

“Yeah, but HE cares about his achievements so…” Mathilda argued.

Hanna chewed on her bottom lip. “I have an idea. I just need to call Sebastian’s dad.”

 

*

 

“I’m surprised that they let us all in,” Howard said as _Herr_ Norbert was leading them upstairs to Sebastian’s hotel room.

“I got the key from Sebastian’s teammate,” he said, glancing at his watch. “He should be back soon.”

When _Herr_ Vettel unlocked the door, Hanna felt slightly nervous. They were about to enter Sebastian’s hotel room without asking his permission. She wasn’t sure if she wanted Howard and Amy to see Sebastian’s unmade bed or maybe even some dirty clothes on the floor?

She entered first and looked around. The room was so tidy and fresh as if no one was staying there.

“Who’s Seb’s teammate? Buemi?” Mathilda asked. “Are all French boys so neat? I think I want a French boy.”

“I think we should hide and jump out once Sebastian’s gets into the room,” Hanna suggested.

“Ehm… good idea, but the only hiding place is in the bathroom,” Ralf noticed.

Nobody was small enough to fit under the beds. Well, maybe Mathilda, but she wouldn’t be able to get out of there quickly enough to surprise anybody.

“Let’s at least turn the light off,” Amy said.

“And we should be quiet,” Howard added.

“We still have time. We should organize the snacks and beverages first.” Hanna put the bags on the table opposite the beds.

As Mathilda approached her and grabbed a couple of plastic cups, the door to the room suddenly opened and Sebastian appeared.

He looked around, his mouth agape.

“Surprise?” Mathilda said, lifting the cups in her hands as if they were some greeting props.

Sebastian’s face lit up. “Hi, guys! How did you get here?”

“Does it matter?” Hanna stepped up to him and gave him a hug. “We’re here to celebrate your season.”

He looked her in the eye. “Nothing to celebrate… I just lost the title…”

“I’m sorry,” Hanna said, leaning forward to kiss his lips. “It’s a shame, but it’s not the end of the world.”

Sebastian received hugs from everyone, even Howard.

“You’re a Formula One test driver, dude,” the Brit said. “Fuck the GP3 title. You don’t need it. You already achieved what Di Resta’s still hoping for!”

Sebastian smiled. “I did…”

“You have the superlicense. You still have all your fingers. And a new car!” Mathilda added, handing Sebastian a cup of juice.

Ralf cleared his throat. “And you earned your Abitur with respectable grades.”

“Thanks to you,” Sebastian said, patting his friend’s shoulder before looking around. “It’s not a secret that I feel bad about losing the title, but… you’re all right. This year was full of small victories and small achievements. I have a BMW 330i, I have a job at BMW and… you probably don’t know this, because even Hanna doesn’t know, but I just bought a flat in Switzerland.”

“You did?” Hanna had to put her cup down, because her hands started to shake with excitement. “Which one? Tell me it’s the one in Walchwil.”

“Walchwil,” Sebastian said at the same time.

She threw herself into his arms. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I wanted to make you a surprise and take you there, but… It felt right to mention it.”

“Congratulation!” Mathilda started a new round of hugs. “Expect our visit as soon as we get your new address.”

“I need to buy some chairs first,” he chuckled.

 

*

 

_A few days later_

Hanna recognized the building from the photos. Sebastian’s new flat was on the top floor.

They left Sebastian’s car in his new garage and were heading to the entrance.

“This is so surreal,” Hanna said, slowing down to cherish the moment. “You have your own place!”

“From down here you can’t see how huge the terrace is.”

“Have you met your neighbours?”

“Not all of them. Just _Frau_ Hilde Krist. She lives on the same floor.”

“Just one person? What is she like?”

Sebastian grinned. “You’ll see yourself. She let me use her bathroom when mine was being renovated. She wanted me to call her Hilde, but I refused.”

“Why?”

“She’s probably my grandma’s age!”

“So what?”

“I don’t know… it doesn’t feel right. Maybe if I were thirty…”

When they reached the top floor, Sebastian took a key out of his pocket with a pretty keychain in the shape of carousel attached to it.

“This is so cute!” Hanna exclaimed.

“And it rotates,” Sebastian added, handing her the key. “It’s yours.”

Hanna looked up, feeling slightly emotional. “Thank you. Can I?” she asked, pointing at the door and making an unlocking gesture.

“It’s not the right key if you want to get inside _Frau_ Krist’s home.”

“Oh… sorry…” Hanna turned to the opposite door. She slipped the key into the hole and grimaced. “It… stuck…”

Sebastian quickly stepped up to help.

Hanna grinned. “Just kidding.” And she unlocked the door.

There was no furniture in the corridor apart from a simple coat rack.

“Leave your shoes on,” Sebastian said.

“Okay…”

“The bathroom is over here. That’s the only ‘room’ that’s fully equipped.”

“That’s… sensible.”

“Let’s go to the living room first. I call it ‘living room’, but I think it was originally a dining room. Because there’s a kitchen annex attached to it. But it’s the biggest room and it leads to the terrace and the windows are so big… I think I will be using it as a living room.”

“It is big, I agree,” Hanna said.

“Partially because it’s unfurnished,” Sebastian laughed. “But check out my small kitchen! It took a while to carry the fridge upstairs, but it’s finally here. And there’s even some food in it!” He opened the fridge. “Mostly milk.”

“I can see that.”

“I open the fridge and I feel like home.”

“That’s a nice oven,” Hanna approached the cabinets. “I wonder if Ralf and Mathilda would like to put it to the test.”

“Do you want to see the view from the terrace?”

“Of course.”

As Sebastian had mentioned, the terrace was really big. All their mutual friends could sunbath on it together.

“Wow… this is breath-taking,” Hanna said, looking at the lake and the surrounding mountains. “Is that Mount Rigi?”

“Yes, the Queen of the Mountains,” Sebastian added, hugging her from behind.

Hanna closed her eyes, feeling warm shivers all over her skin. She forgot about the view and everything around her, because Sebastian’s arms were so warm and loving.

Someone coughed. Hanna’s eyes snapped open. She turned her head and spotted an old lady on the terrace next to them. She was looking at the lake as if she didn’t want to violate their privacy, but at the same time, she wanted to make sure they knew she was there.

“ _Guten Tag, Frau_ Krist. We were hoping to bump into you,” Sebastian said. “This is my girlfriend, Hanna.”

Hanna approached Sebastian’s neighbour and shook her hand. “Nice to meet you, _Frau_ Krist.”

“Nice to meet you too, Hanna. Sebastian told me a lot about you. Would you like to come for a coffee or a tea?” the old lady asked.

Sebastian smiled politely. “Maybe some other time, we have a lot of work.”

“Just let me know in advance so I can prepare something delicious.”

“I will let you know. Thank you. Have a nice day.”

“You too, my lovelies.”

Sebastian grasped Hanna’s hand and pulled her inside the apartment.

“You think she’ll be spying on us?” Hanna whispered.

“I doubt it. The Swiss are very discreet.”

Hanna looked around the empty living room. “There are still two rooms that I haven’t seen. I guess one of them is your bedroom. What’s in the other one?”

“A gym.”

“Of course.”

“Nothing there yet.”

“Show me the bedroom then. But don’t tell me you have no bed yet…”

“I have. Kind of.”

Hanna frowned.

They entered the bedroom. It was full of cardboard boxes.

“Hanna…” Sebastian got down on his knee. “Will you do me the honour of assembling the Ikea bed with me?”


	28. Making plans

On Saturday, around midday, Hanna returned home.

“You’re back already?” her mom greeted her at the door.

“Sebastian wanted to visit his parents and then he has to drive back. It’s four hours of driving.”

Her mom looked her up and down as if something was wrong with her outfit.

Just in case, Hanna checked herself in the mirror. “My whole body hurts…” she confessed. “I slept only a few hours.”

She noticed more tension on her mother’s face.

“What is it?” she asked, anxiously.

“Nothing… I just… We didn’t have a chance to talk before you left and… there are some things I wanted to remind you of…”

_Oh, no…_

Hanna turned to hang her coat on the rack. She could clarify that she was on her period and that she and Sebastian had spent the night assembling furniture. But she decided not to explain herself.

_If mom’s thinking that we had sex, good for her. At least I won’t have to ‘inform’ her when it actually happens._

“I have good memory, mom,” she said, trying to make her voice sound firm.

“Are you sure you know what I’m talking about?”

“Yes. Sebastian and I, we don’t want kids. Yet.”

“It would be nice to think about a wedding first.”

Hanna looked her mom straight in the eye. "At the moment we’re thinking about other things. Things like education and work.”

“Good. Just be cautious. You can’t always rely on men in those matters.”

Hanna frowned. “Sebastian’s very responsible. You know that.”

“It’s not that difficult to lose your head in certain situations…”

“Don’t worry. I won’t get pregnant,” Hanna said, feeling slightly irritated with the conversation.

“That’s all I wanted to hear.”

 

*

 

Only after she returned from school on Monday, she realized something: Sebastian wasn’t living in Heppenheim anymore. She got used to the fact that even though they weren’t seeing each other at school, she could always jump on a bike and pay him a visit. But now he was living in a different town. In a different country.

 _I better focus on my Abitur_ , she thought. _Sebastian should focus on training. I can always get to Walchwil for weekends._

Get to Walchwil? But how? By a train? She recalled how convenient it seemed that Walchwil had a train station. The problem was that the travel from Heppenheim to Sebastian’s new home town would take her seven hours.

 

*

 

Sebastian called on Monday evening. “I ordered the rest of the furniture that we had chosen together through Internet. They don't need me at the factory at the moment, so I’m sitting at home.”

“You probably slept well tonight. Alone in a king size bed.”

“I slept on your side.”

“Both sides are yours.”

“Don’t say that. A half of this bed is yours and you should use It as often as you could.”

“Mom thinks that we-” Hanna cleared her throat. “She asked me to be cautious. She said she doesn’t want me to get pregnant before we get married.”

“Wait, what?”

Hanna snorted. “I hope she won’t comment on my intimate life ever again.”

“I had the talk with dad after my eighteenth birthday. He seemed to have similar concerns, although he didn’t mention marriage. He was just trying to explain that my carrier demands a lot of focus and I need to make sure to be able to fully commit to it. Having a family is amazing, but it's a huge responsibility. I felt tempted to ask him if he ever heard of condoms…”

“You think it will be enough?” Hanna asked, her voice trembling a little. “I can ask my gynaecologist for pills… because it would probably be good to see a gynaecologist after we… start having sex.”

“I’m not a specialist, but… I think condoms are enough. We don’t even live together.”

“You’re right. I was just thinking… a year ago my gynaecologist wanted to prescribe me some pills to regulate my period. You probably remember the pain I had to suffer every month. But… I didn’t want to take pills at that time. And my last period wasn’t painful at all. Maybe because we were together and we were busy with the furniture.”

“Whatever you choose, I’ll support it. I’m not allergic to latex. Well, even if I were, I can buy latex-free condoms. Anyways, I’m fully supplied in case you were wondering.”

“That’s good.” Hanna’s cheeks started to heat up. “I was thinking earlier today that it’s about time to get a driving license. I don’t want you to waste time driving me back and forth.”

“But I like being your chauffeur. Especially since we made the playlist.”

Hanna grinned. Not so long ago Sebastian was too shy to sing out loud in her presence, but now they had their personal playlist and were singing their favourite songs together in the car. “And I like being your passenger. But I could still use a driving license.”

“I can give you a few lessons. There’s a lot of abandoned roads here.”

“You want me to drive your BMW?”

“Why? Too big?”

“Nope… I think I can handle it. But only if you’re my instructor.”

“I can’t say no to that, can I?” Sebastian laughed. “I only have one free week before leaving for China. If we can’t meet this weekend, the next chance will be at the end of the month.”

“Ah, right… The Macau race,” Hanna remembered. “I have no plans for this weekend, so if you’d be so nice to come and get me…”

“I’ll wait at you at the Gymnasium.”

“But we’ll still have to go home to get my bags.”

“Then we’ll go.”

“I need to decide what to pack…”

“Don’t take too much stuff with you. Friday evening we could go to a restaurant. If you won’t be too tired.”

“Why would I be tired?”

“Well… after a whole day spent at school and four hours in the car.”

“I finish my lessons at one in the afternoon, Sebi. Friday’s my shortest school day.”

“Can I book a table for us then?”

“Yes. What else have you planned?”

“Nothing. I prefer being spontaneous. What will be, will be. Unless you have some ideas.”

“We could watch the rest of the first season of Prison Break.”

“Good idea. We’ll test the sofa and the new TV. By the way I bought you a set of towels. And maybe I should change the bedding every time you visit? I could use something more… luxurious. Also we should buy some plants on our way to the flat. And some other decorations.”

“We can go shopping on Sunday. Unless… we’ll prefer to stay in bed.”

“That’s a possibility.”

“I just realized it’s only Monday…” Hanna sighed.

“And I just realized that I have no iron!”

 

*

 

The next couple of days Hanna was constantly restless. Not because of their plans. She just couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened with their Italian vacation and how they had to cancel everything because of Sebastian’s new contract. And now, every time her phone rang, she was sure it was Sebastian calling to apologize because something came up and they would have to postpone their plans for a few weeks.

“Ralf called, asking if I’m free this weekend because he wanted to drop in with Mathilda,” Sebastian said over the phone on Wednesday. “I told him that I'll be busy.”

Hanna sighed with relief. “I’ll help you prepare a party for all your friends once we choose a date.”

“I don’t feel like thinking about it at the moment,” he admitted. “Friday evening I will turn off my phone and I won’t care about anything. Apart from you.”

 

*

 

_10 November 2006_

It’s been a while since the last time Hanna had such difficulties with focusing at school. She was trying to listen to the teacher and be active, but her thoughts were constantly going back to the luggage in her room.

She’d spent the most time choosing an outfit for the dinner. It was hard to decide on sleeping clothes. Even though it was already November, Sebastian’s flat was warm and cosy, so in the end she opted for a sleeveless top and shorts. After packing a sweater, she changed her mind and replaced it with a sweatshirt.

_If Sebastian will want to go for a walk or if we’ll need to go shopping, the pair of jeans I have already on, should be enough._

During the last hour, it occurred to her that she needed another pair of trousers to wear at home. She couldn’t parade in the pyjama shorts all day long… Or could she?

_Sebastian won’t even notice._

She was starting to get annoyed with herself for worrying too much.

The second the bell rung, she darted from the seat.

Rushing down the corridor, she heard a familiar voice.

“Hey, Hanna!” Mathilda caught up with her. “Would you like to go for a walk with me and Howard tomorrow afternoon?”

“Howard the dog?”

“Of course. The other one is in London.”

Hanna hesitated. “I’m leaving for the weekend.”

“Oh... Is that your famous boyfriend over there?” Mathilda narrowed her eyes, staring at the main entrance. “Oh my God, he’s taking you to his new flat, isn’t he? Now I get why he told Ralf that he’s busy.”

Sebastian looked around with wonder as if he hasn’t been in the Gymnasium since ages.

“I’m sorry about that. We already made plans a while ago,” Hanna explained, her eyes locked on Sebastian as he was shaking hands and even hugging a few old teachers.

“I totally understand. Just be careful,” Mathilda winked at Hanna. “He’s in a very good shape.”

“I can handle him,” Hanna smiled. “And his… shape.”

“I can imagine that.”

“Please, don’t.”

“ _Hallo_ , girls!” Sebastian finally noticed them.

Mathilda gave him a hug. “Nice to see you, but I need to go. Have fun you two!”

“Ehm… thanks.” Sebastian’s gaze followed the younger girl as she was sprinting away. “You told her?” he asked, extending a hand to Hanna.

“I told her that we made plans a while ago.” Hanna took Sebastian’s hand, but since too many people were staring at them, she decided to leave the kiss for later.

 

*

 

“I couldn’t decide what to pack,” Hanna confessed in the car. “I have a dress for tonight’s date, something to sleep in, something to wear indoors and the things I’m wearing right now…”

“Look, _Hasi_ … I told you not to take too much stuff. We’re going to be alone,” Sebastian said, a delicate smile on his face, his eyes focused on the road. “Also, I bought you a bathrobe.”

Hanna licked her lips. “Do you want me to stay naked all weekend long?”

“You won’t be the only naked person in the flat.”

“Sounds fair.”

This time, he threw a glance at her. She liked the look on his face.

“We can always use a blanket if it’s too chilly. And in the bedroom… I doubt we will feel cold.”

“Aren’t there any long walks by the lake in your plans?”

“Only if we get bored.”

“That means no.”

Sebastian smiled. “I filled up the fridge. And I’ve got fresh fruit and vegetables in the trunk.”

“Are you going to cook for me?”

“I could. But… I would prefer to focus on my other talents.”

Hanna bit her lip. She loved their suggestive conversations. They were making her look forward to the four hours in the car.

“I was worrying about my luggage since I woke up, but you know what? I don’t care anymore,” she confessed when Sebastian parked the car in front of her house. “I’ll just grab my things and we can go. Actually, I better use the bathroom first.”

“Me too.”

 

*

 

Hanna’s dad was home. While she was collecting her things (she had to check if she had packed the special lingerie), Sebastian was asked a series of question about his new flat.

At least there was no personal questions (only because Hanna’s mom wasn’t there).

“You didn’t have to come. I could drive Hanna myself. I would love to see the flat and how you settled in,” Hanna’s dad said.

“I wanted to see my mom. Dad’s going to China with me, so we’ll spend a week together, but mom was already missing me.”

“Did Hanna tell you that she started taking driving lessons?”

“I might have mentioned,” Hanna said, appearing in the corridor. “Already peed?”

“Not yet…”

“I’m going first.” After locking herself in the bathroom, she tried to eavesdrop, but the two men lowered their voices significantly.

Hanna looked around the bathroom. She already had her toothbrush and her towel in Walchwil, but maybe she should pack a hairdryer?

When she left the bathroom, Sebastian and her dad suddenly stopped talking.

Sebastian grinned at her.

“Are you going or not?” she asked, keeping the bathroom door open.

“Yes. Thanks!”

Once Sebastian was gone, Hanna studied her dad’s face. “Were you talking about me?”

“What makes you think that?”

“The look on your face.”

“What look?”

Hanna knew her dad well enough to know that additional questions were a waste of time.

 

*

 

Hanna scanned her room for the last time.

_When I return, I won’t be a virgin anymore._

As the thought crossed her mind, she felt a small stomach cramp. But it was more pleasant than painful. On the one hand, she wished it was already evening, on the other, she loved the anticipation and the way the tension was slowly rising. She loved the fact that everything was planned. More or less. She loved that they had two days and two nights to enjoy. And that they had their private little place in Walchwil where nobody would disturb them.

“Ready?” Sebastian appeared at the door.

Hanna smiled at him. “Yes, I’m ready.”


	29. You're the best that ever happened to me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. Thank you for your patience and support. I hope you'll enjoy this chapter. Don't forget to leave your feedback, I need it!

_Friday evening, Restaurant 'Zugersee Lido', Walchwil_

Hanna’s hunger was satiated yet she wasn’t full. She could still feel the sweet taste of the _Zuger Kirschtorte_ , a local specialty.

“It’s pouring,” Sebastian noticed helping her with the coat. “And I forgot the umbrella. Wait here. I’ll get the car.”

Hanna had nothing against getting a bit wet. She had no makeup on (she wanted her skin to be clean and natural – ready for Sebastian’s kisses).

When he opened the door, the voices of the people in the restaurant mixed with the sound of rain.

Hanna fixed the strands of hair that got stuck under the coat, her eyes scanning the room. It was a nice dinner. They had chatted about everything and nothing in particular. Sebastian was joking and making her laugh, but it was hard to ignore the tension between them. After all, the dinner wasn’t the highlight of the evening.

“Come back soon,” Bruno, the Chef and co-owner of the restaurant said to her.

“We will. Thank you."

Sebastian just pulled up to the exit. Once Hanna left the building, he jumped out of the car and ran to open the door for her.

“You should’ve stayed inside.”

“I’m already wet anyway.”

Hanna got into the car in a hurry, only a couple of drops hitting her face.

By the time Sebastian settled into his seat, his hair was dripping. “Such a romantic weather,” he said, pulling away.

“Did you like the food?” Hanna asked.

“Yes, although I wasn’t able to enjoy it the way I wanted.”

“Why? Was something distracting you?”

“Yes. My empty stomach.”

Hanna smiled. “It will be a nice place to visit in the summer. The view from the terrace must be great.”

“And it’s within walking distance.”

Sebastian stopped the car at _Zugerstrasse_ 94\. “Run inside. I’ll put the car in the garage.”

Sebastian’s garage was close, but still too far for someone who didn’t have an umbrella.

Hanna was a dozen steps away from the entrance to the building, but the wind still managed to get under her dress. Shivering, she climbed the stairs.

She unlocked the door. The air inside smelled of novelty; it was a mixture of fresh paint and new furniture. It was quiet like in the middle of the night, even though it was only past nine.

Hanna took the coat and the stilettos off and headed to the bathroom. As she was washing her hands, she looked into the mirror. Her lips were fiercely red.

She decided to use the opportunity and get rid of the tights. Feeling the cool tiles under her bare feet, she remembered the scene from the dream she had had a few weeks earlier.

Her heart skipped a beat.

Yes, that was what she wanted! She had to turn the dream into reality. She was sorry about the pretty lingerie she had bought for the occasion, but she could always use again some other time.

Hanna ran out of the bathroom and stormed into the bedroom. The smell of the scented candles that they have bought on their way to Walchwil was wafting through the air. It was a real challenge to reach the zipper on her back, but she managed to undress.

When she heard Sebastian enter the flat, she quickly tossed the dress into the closet so that he wouldn’t notice any clothes on the floor.

“I’m in the bedroom, but don’t come in yet,” she said, loudly.

“Okay, I’ll be in the bathroom.”

Hanna took the lingerie off and put it into a drawer. Her heart was beating so fast, she started to feel lightheaded.

They had bought a lighter together with the candles, but where did Sebastian put it?

She checked the drawer on Sebastian’s side of the bed. Tissues… a wrist watch… a pack of condoms… there it is!

Hanna started lighting one candle after another. As she looked at her naked body reflected in the mirrored closet doors, she felt warmth on her cheeks. In the candle light her soft curves looked even softer. The tan lines were almost invisible. Her nipples and pubic hair seemed darker than they actually were.

Hanna hid behind the open door. “Okay, I’m re-“

Sebastian just flushed the toilet. “Did you say something?”

“I’m ready.”

While Sebastian was washing his hands, Hanna kept shifting from one foot to the other.

Finally, the bathroom door opened.

“Let me guess. You have something sexy on,” Sebastian said, walking down the corridor.

Hanna didn’t reply because she didn’t want him to know where she was hiding.

The boy entered the bedroom and approached the bed. "Are we playing hide and seek, my pretty bunny?"

“Don’t move!”

The sound of her voice startled him, but he didn’t turn.

Hanna approached him from behind, making quiet steps on the rug.

“Please, don’t tickle me.”

Hanna smiled, stopping right behind the boy.

“Turn around and hug me tight,” she whispered.

Sebastian turned slowly. Their eyes locked for a second before he looked down, his mouth opening with surprise. “Oh… my…”

“I said: hug me.” Hanna clung to him with all her strength. He smelled so good, she wanted to bathe in his scent.

“You’re naked.”

“Great job, Sherlock.”

They both chuckled.

“It’s like in my dream, but better, because we’re alone,” Hanna added.

Sebastian’s embrace loosened.

“Don’t let go yet.”

“If I remember correctly, in your dream my hands were on your butt.”

Hanna swallowed, feeling the air around them crackle with electricity. “That’s correct.”

“I can see it in the mirror. And your perfect legs…” Sebastian’s fingers followed the line of Hanna’s spine, her brain overloading at the attempt to process the shivers. “Can I touch it now?”

“You can do whatever you want.”

When his warm hands squeezed her bum, Hanna took a shaky breath. Leaning away, she threw her arms around Sebastian’s neck and lifted her chin to reach his lips. As they were kissing, she kept climbing onto the tips of her toes, loving the way her naked body was rubbing against his clothes. He was pressing their hips together, making the experience even more pleasant.

“I’m so turned on I can’t remember my own name,” he confessed.

“It’s Sebastian,” Hanna whispered before pressing her lips to the sensitive skin on his long neck. “Sebastian…” She let the air from her mouth tickle his ear.

Their eyes met for a moment.

“I’m sweating…” he said, his voice raspy.

“Oh, my poor baby… Let me help.” Hanna reached to the buttons on his shirt. As she was unbuttoning it slowly, she could feel the boy’s stare on her breasts. As her hands moved south, the boy could get a glimpse of the lower parts of her body. The study got interrupted as he was taking the shirt off.

Hanna immediately reached to the belt in his waist. She unclasped it and focused on the zipper. Which got stuck half-way down…

“Not a problem.” Sebastian was slim enough to slip the trousers down without unzipping them. He had grey boxer shorts underneath. She took the trousers off together with the socks and left them on the carpet.

“What now?” Hanna asked, grasping his hand.

“I don’t know. There’s so many things I want to do…”

“Choose one and do it.”

He led her to the bed. She sat down, pressing her knees together, trying to guess his intentions. His stare was a clue, his pupils dilating as he eyed her boobs.

As he kneeled on the carpet, Hanna extended her hand to touch his hair.

When the boy’s plump lips closed around her nipple, she let out a soft moan. Daydreaming didn't prepare her for this. She could feel Sebastian’s breathing on her skin. The gentle sucking he applied and the tickling of his tongue were beyond delightful.

“Do you like it?” he asked, his thumb making Hanna’s other nipple hard.

Hanna nodded, mesmerized by the look of bliss on his face.

“I like it too.”

“Yeah… I can see that…”

The boy’s head shifted to caress her other breast.

Hanna closed her eyes. She wished he’d never stop, but other parts of her body were starting to demand attention. Also… she wanted to give something back.

She shifted away and gently pushed the boy on the bed.

As she bent to press kisses to his neck and collar bones, he was trying to keep her hair from covering her face.

“I know what you want,” she whispered resting next to him.

“Oh, really?” He looked her in the eye and swallowed hard.

“I see you can read my mind.” After caressing the dark trail of hair on his underbelly, she slipped a hand down his boxer shorts.

Sebastian gasped. “Your fingers... cold…”

“Sorry.”

_Give them a second. Since you’re radiating hotness…_

She grasped his manhood and pulled it out of the underwear.

“Hello…” she uttered, studying it with her fingertips.

Sebastian’s gaze kept shifting from her face to her hand, the blush on his cheeks deepening.

Hanna took her time, watching his reactions. After playing with the curly hair between his legs, she closed her hand around his manhood and started sliding it up and down.

Sebastian frowned. “I can’t…” he licked his lips. “That’s too good…” he grasped Hanna’s wrist and pushed her hand away.

Hanna kissed him delicately on the lips and sat up to help him get rid of the boxer shorts.

_Finally naked. Nothing between us._

They rested next to each other and started kissing.

“My little hot volcano…” Sebastian whispered before gently biting the girl’s bottom lip while his hand slipped between her thighs.

Up and down, his fingers caressed her skin, ever closer to the most sensitive spot. He was teasing her, pulling away at the last moment. He knew how impatiently she waited for his touch… The first direct touch without any fabric involved.

She spread her legs, invitingly.

“Hot on the outside…” The boy’s hand found the way. “And even hotter inside.”

Hanna tensed, but only for a split second. Sebastian’s touch was so delicate and careful she had no trouble relaxing. Even when she felt his finger deep inside her body, deeper than she ever dared to reach herself.

“You’re smooth like silk…”

“It’s because I want you.”

Even the slightest movement of Sebastian’s hand was making her toes curl.

The boy watched her reactions, but more often he was looking at his hand. He kept shifting to get a better view like a diligent scholar studying a new mysterious device.

“Why am I thinking about the _Kirschtorte_?” he asked.

“Maybe you’re hungry…”

“More likely because your body looks so… delicious and soft… You make me drool.” The finger slipped out, but the studies weren’t over. As his fingertips touched Hanna’s swollen wetness, her hips twitched up. He didn’t leave her time to recover, brushing the same spot again and again, until it felt as if blood was boiling in her veins.

“Now you’re sweating too…” he said.

Hanna blinked. The skin on her belly was indeed glistening. Her gaze shifted to Sebastian’s hardness.

“We could… give it a try.”

Sebastian nodded, his face changing. He looked focused and collected as if he was getting ready for a race.

He snatched the pack of condoms from the drawer. “I already practiced this part…” he said, tearing the wrapping.

“On bananas.”

He grinned. “Not only.”

He looked like he knew what he was doing, though his hands weren’t completely steady.

Seeing him stick his tongue out, Hanna laughed softly.

“What?”

“What do you need that tongue for?”

“Precision.” Smiling, he looked up, his eyes filling with fondness. “Thank you,” he whispered, leaning to kiss Hanna’s lips.

“For what?”

“That you’re being yourself.”

They got up to fling the duvet off.

“Relax, okay?” Sebastian whispered, resting on the sheet next to Hanna.

“I am relaxed.”

“I was talking to myself.”

When she giggled, he playfully bit her nose. And when she tried to push him away, he grabbed her wrists, pinned her to the bed and sucked on the skin on her neck.

Hanna moaned, getting limp under his caress. Sebastian kissed his way up to her mouth, locking their lips together. His kisses were naughty, it was hard to keep up with him.

“Sebastian… I really want you… now…”

They were both breathing hard, their lips swollen, eyes burning with lust.

Sebastian moved his hips, Hanna spread her legs, following his gaze.

He grasped his erection and shifted closer.

Slowly, carefully… Hesitantly…

_Should I help?_

Hanna glanced at the boy’s face and saw his tongue out again. He noticed her stare, realized what he was doing and burst out laughing.

“I love you so much…” she said, an unexpected wave of emotion hitting her hard.

“I can’t control it.”

“I know.” She reached between their bodies to give him the help he needed.

And suddenly they didn’t feel like giggling.

Sebastian glanced into Hanna’s eyes. “Okay?”

She nodded so he pushed a little deeper into her.

She trembled, feeling a pinch of pain that disappeared before she could feel uncomfortable. “All good…”

There was a frown on his face as he laid on top of her. His expression softened once their eyes met. She didn’t need to say a thing. He knew her. He could tell if she was in pain. And right now she was as far from pain as it was physically possible.

She knew they would have to move at some point but at the moment, she just wanted to rest and relish the new sensation. Sebastian’s erection stretching her body in a perfect way. Hard heat surrounded by soft fire. She could feel his pulse and it made sense. His love was filling her from the inside out. She was his, with body and soul.

He gently kissed her lips before turning his head. Hanna followed his gaze and saw their reflection in the mirror. The boy’s buttocks tightened as he worked his hips.

Hanna moaned… A wave of raw, newly discovered pleasure, turned her mind into nothingness. The boy pushed in and out again. Hanna threw her head back, trying to collect her thoughts. But all she could think of was the hardness inside her.

She rocked her hips in an attempt to match the boy’s movements. It didn’t feel right. Unable to find the right rhythm, Hanna stopped moving, her body getting rigid with anxiousness.

“It’s okay,” Sebastian said, stopping as well. “Let’s try again. But… you go first.”

Hanna took a few deep breaths and gently rocked her hips, feeling Sebastian’s stare on her face.

“There you go,” he whispered, encouraging her with a loving smile.

This time it was easy. When she found the rhythm that worked for her, Sebastian countered her movements. The pleasure started to rise as their bodies rocked together.

“This is good…” Hanna nodded after Sebastian changed the angle of thrusts. “Yes… oh… perfect.”

Hanna picked up the pace, the tension building inside her.

“Oh, God…” grimacing, she dug her fingers into Sebastian’s back, trying to hold onto something, but his skin was too slick.

Their movements became erratic and out of control. And then time slowed down.

The air vibrated with Hanna’s warm moan… She could feel Sebastian’s fingers lace with hers, his grip was strong.

He pushed in a few times more before getting completely still. Flying high, Hanna forced herself to open her eyes just to see the love of her life gasp with ecstasy.

A few seconds later he collapsed onto her body, still shaking with after-shocks. Only then she could feel his weight, but he was no burden.

“I love you so much…” she murmured, embracing him tightly. Wishing to have him close like this forever.

 

***

 

Sebastian was without a doubt fitter than Hanna, yet it took him longer to recover. It’s been a while since he shifted to rest on his side next to her and he still haven’t uttered a word. He was just staring at her face and blinking in slow motion.

“I always thought we would… get emotional and start crying,” Hanna said.

“I felt so many strong emotions that I’m currently overloaded,” he confessed. “Can I leave you for a second? I need to go to the bathroom.”

“Okay. Don’t take too long.”

The boy got up. As he was leaving, Hanna eyed his naked body, her eyes lingering on his buttocks.

Once he was gone, she threw a glance at the sheet. It was wet, but she couldn’t see any blood.

She blew out the candles, spread the duvet on the bed and slipped underneath it.

Sebastian returned. Looked like he got rid of the used condom.

“What are you smiling at?” he asked, slipping under the duvet next to her. “Never seen a naked man before?”

“Let’s stay naked tomorrow,” she said.

“Don’t you want to check the new bathrobe I bought for you?”

“Do you want me to wear it?”

“No.” He put an arm around her and pulled her into a kiss.

As her lips were brushing his, she recalled all the caresses they shared, the usual ones and the new ones.

“What are you thinking about?” she asked after the kiss ended.

“Guess.”

She studied his pretty eyes. “About sex being your new favourite thing.”

Sebastian chuckled. “No. I was thinking about you and how lucky I am.”

Hanna swallowed down a nod in her throat.

“You make me so happy,” he added.

Hanna blinked, her vision blurring. She wanted to say something, but couldn’t find the right words, so she just pressed her lips to Sebastian’s. As they were kissing, she started hearing a song in her head. She had heard it on the radio many times and it always made her think of Sebastian.

“ _Du bist das Beste was mir je passiert ist_ …” She started singing, so softly that the melody was barely there. “ _Es tut so gut wie du mich liebst. Vergess' den Rest der Welt wenn du bei mir bist. Du bist das Beste was mir je passiert ist. Es tut so gut wie du mich liebst. Ich sag's dir viel zu selten, es ist schön, dass es dich gibt._ ”

Sebastian’s eyes brimmed with tears.

Hanna shifted to kiss his wet eyelids.

“No, no… don’t stop. Keep singing.”

“ _Ich habe einen Schatz gefunden und er trägt deinen Namen..."_


	30. Are you eatable?

She woke up from the most beautiful dream imaginable. She fluttered her eyelashes and realized that it wasn’t a dream.

A discreet patting of the rain turned into drumrolls when the wind changed and huge drops started hitting against the window. Hanna wouldn’t want to be outside. Even if the weather would change and the world turned into a paradise, she would still prefer to stay exactly where she was: in bed with Sebastian, her biggest treasure, the centre of her universe. The first and the only boy she ever loved.

The wind died down and Hanna heard Sebastian’s calm breathing. Carefully, she turned her head. He was lying on his side, one hand under the pillow. His face was serene, his lips slightly parted…

_Those loving lips…_

An intense shiver ran down Hanna’s back when she recalled the way they brushed her skin. And the crazy kisses that had prepared her so well for their first time.

Almost as if Sebastian had done it before. He seemed way more experienced than she was. Hanna had already discovered many years ago that he was learning fast, especially when it came to… precision-requiring operations.

_It will get even better. God, how could it be better if it was already perfect?_

Hanna felt her pulse quicken. _We’ll do it again… But when? In the evening so that we can fall asleep once we get tired? Or maybe in the afternoon, after we eat something tasty and catch up with the Prison Break? Or better… right after breakfast? Or… as soon as Sebastian wakes up?_

Waves of heat coursed down her skin. The sexual satisfaction she’d felt before falling asleep, has vanished.

_It’s similar to food. I’m hungry again._

_And Sebastian’s closer than the fridge._

It wasn’t the first time she’d be thinking about sex while looking at him. But for the first time she knew what sex felt like. What if tasted, smelled and sounded like. Her hunger was no longer an eagerness to experience the unknown, but more like the hunger of an addict. A multi-sensory craving.

_I should be grateful that he’s close and that I can look at him. For the most part of the next year it’s not going to be possible._

On the one hand, she didn’t want to wake him, but on the other… it had been a while since the racing season ended and Sebastian had more than enough time to catch up with sleeping. Had she been in his shoes, she would want him to wake her up as soon as possible.

Hanna extended her hand and put it into the curly hair right above Sebastian’s ear, her fingertips tickling his hot skin.

He took a deep breath, opened his eyes, blinked three times and froze.

Hanna could imagine what was going through his mind. He just recalled everything that had happened last night and was trying not to literally burst with happiness.

Hanna frowned. “Breathe,” she whispered.

Sebastian quickly sucked a gulp of air into his lungs.

Hanna laughed, a strong affection filling her from the tips of her toes to the top of her head. And it was still growing. She had to find a way to let it out otherwise her body would start to crack… She had to express it, all those oceans of feelings that he was able to churn up with a single unexpected behaviour. Like forgetting to breathe…

Hanna leaned over and pressed a delicate kiss to Sebastian’s cheek. “Good morning, my sleepy puppy…” she purred before kissing the tip of his nose and then his eyebrow and his forehead… darting from one spot to the other so he wouldn’t be able to react and stop this loving ‘shower’.

“This is awful,” he lamented.

Hanna leaned away, concernedly, but the look on his face stilled her. “What is awful?”

“I wanted to wake up first and surprise you with delicious scrambled eggs.”

“I can pretend to be asleep.”

“And on top of that,“ he cut in, “I have an erection.”

“This is just devastating,” Hanna said. A part of her had to fight back a giggle, but a different part (the bottom half) was already heating up and getting ready for action.

“Maybe I should go cool down on the terrace for a minute or two?”

Hanna licked her lips, realizing that her mouth was dry. “I think the view might be too stimulating for poor _Frau_ Krist.”

Sebastian narrowed his eyes. “Are you trying to turn me off?”

“Isn’t that what you want?”

Sebastian heaved a deep sigh. “The thing is… I’m hungry, but I don’t feel like getting up.”

Hanna touched her forehead in a theatrical gesture. “Tragic!”

“Could’ve been worse.”

“How so?”

“If I needed to use the bathroom.” The mischievous smile tugged at the corners of his lips as he inched closer. “Are you perhaps eatable?”

Hanna felt warmth flushing her cheeks and neck. A couple of breath-taking visions flashed through her mind, making her heart pound.

The boy’s breath tickled her nose. “Are you or not?” he whispered, his lips close to hers, making her dizzy.

“I am…” As if there even was a different answer. He could do whatever he wanted to her.

Their lips latched together. Hanna wrapped her arms around the boy’s back, wanting to pull him on top of her. Yearning to feel the weight of his body on her hips. But he had something else in mind. He ran his fingers down her thigh before grasping at the bend of her knee and pulling it up to hook her leg over his thigh. Hanna felt the hard muscle of his thigh press against her wetness. It made the kissing even more enjoyable.

She had no awareness of how long they were making out like that, shifting from time to time to find a better friction. Their fingers wandered over the hot skin, stroking, brushing, caressing every body part within reach.

The duvet slid down the side of the bed, revealing images Hanna was still not used to see.

Sebastian broke the kiss, his lust-filled eyes scanning her naked body. “God, you’re hot…” he croaked, reaching over her hip to grab her buttock.

“Harder.”

“What?”

“Squeeze it harder. Oh… yes, like that…” Hanna started gently rocking her hips.

She could feel the tension building up. Sebastian’s flexing thigh muscle was perfect to rub against. She kept sliding effortlessly with all the wetness her body already produced. Sebastian seemed to enjoy a similar hot friction by pressing his erection to her belly.

But that was not what Hanna wanted.

“Sebi…” she whispered. She was about to ask him to put a condom on when an intense grimace twisted his face.

“Fuck…” he whimpered.

It was too late for condoms.

He crushed her in his arms, trembling with ecstasy. Hanna latched onto him with all her strength. The smell of his come hit her nostrils, intimate and one of a kind, her private aphrodisiac.

“I’m sorry…”

“Don’t speak. Just enjoy…” Smiling with content, she lulled him in her arms.

A while later, when his breathing finally evened out, he sighed shakily. “I’m glad it didn’t happen yesterday.”

“What do you mean? Are you tired?”

“Well… I’m a bit drowsy, but it’ll pass.” When he slipped out from Hanna’s embrace and eyed her glistening body, his gaze wasn’t drowsy at all. “What a mess…”

“Yeah, we could use a shower.”

“Later.”

What happened next was one sensual blur. Sebastian’s caresses turned Hanna into a trembling wreck. He told her not to move a finger, meanwhile his fingers were touching, pressing, rubbing, tickling, pinching… His focus was constantly shifting, making Hanna more and more aroused and sometimes even frustrated.

But she surrendered to him, patiently. She knew he would get her exactly where she wanted to be. She was already quite close, stars flashing before her eyes…

“Okay, I’m ready for… another round. If you’re up for it.”

Hanna blinked, ready to beg him to keep doing what he was doing… But then her brain rebooted and she understood what he meant.

“Yes, yes, yes…”

Her eagerness made his eyes sparkle. “Give me a second.”

Hanna assumed a comfortable position on her back, while Sebastian quickly put the condom on.

“If you will feel any pain-“

“I won’t. I’m sure of-“ She didn’t manage to finish the sentence and he was already slipping inside, steadily, but decisively.

She moaned, a raw pleasure spreading inside her like a wildfire. The ultimate pleasure.

“Oh… this feels so good,” he groaned, but she could barely hear him through the roar of blood in her ears.

He could surely feel her inner muscles clenching around his hardness as the orgasmic waves were hitting her, one after another.

“That was fast…” he chuckled.

Hanna laughed as well, but when Sebastian worked his hips, her laughter turned into a weird choking sound. She was still recovering from her orgasm and yet she could already feel new flames ignite.

“You okay?”

“You’re killing me…”

It wasn’t the right answer, but a deep look into her eyes told him everything he wanted to know.

It felt differently than last night. Sebastian was controlling the pace and the rhythm. He experimented, just a bit, keeping an eye on Hanna’s reactions or asking straight away if she enjoyed what he was doing.

She didn’t need to wait long for the second orgasm. Sebastian came right after.

Panting, they cuddled on the wet sheet until the world around them was sharp and clear again.

“Now we really need a shower,” Sebastian said, fixing the wet curls stuck to his forehead.

Hanna let out a deep satisfied sigh. “You go first.”

“How about we go together?”

“Okay, but… not yet. I need a moment.”

She could feel his stare on her face. “You know what?” He kissed her on the forehead and sat up. “Take a rest. I’ll go first and then I’ll make you a breakfast.”


	31. Sacrifice [2007]

_A year later_

> "Sebastian Vettel will replace American Scott Speed at the Toro Rosso team from the Hungarian Grand Prix, the Italian outfit has confirmed. Vettel was released from his contract with the BMW Sauber team earlier today, and he will join Toro Rosso for the remainder of the 2007 season.” 22 July 2007

_August 2007, Walchwil, Switzerland_

The water in the pot started bubbling. Hanna opened a packet of spaghetti. Sebastian had assured her that he’d be home at four in the afternoon. It was already twelve minutes past four.

_He’ll show up in a minute. I’m sure he’s hungry._

Hanna added the pasta into the boiling water and stirred. Over the last year Mathilda had taught her to cook many great dishes. And to bake delicious cakes. But the cooking lessons were about to end because Hanna was moving to Nagold to study textile design.

The necessity to leave her childhood home was making her anxious. She wasn’t like Sebastian who craved and loved new challenges, new people and new places. She preferred familiar things. On the upside, she was moving to study something she was interested in which was fashion. And Nagold was only three hours away from Walchwil. Since her parents had gifted her a car for her Abitur, she was now able to drive herself to Sebastian’s flat.

Smiling, she remembered the moment when her dad gave her the keys to her new car. Right before she grabbed them, Sebastian let out a relieved sigh. Turned out he had known about the gift (her dad told him the day Sebastian stopped by to pick her up before the best weekend of their lives), but her dad made him promise to keep it secret.

Hanna was sure that having a car would allow her to see Sebastian more frequently. The issue was that his schedule was as tight as last year. At the beginning of the 2007 season, apart from being a test driver for BMW Sauber, Sebastian was racing in the World Series by Renault. With his F1 race debut in the United States (after Robert Kubica’s serious accident in Canada), Sebastian had impressed the boss of Toro Rosso, Franz Tost.

Hanna still remembered the conversation she had with Sebastian before he changed the team.

“They aren’t getting along with Scott and they want him out, but for now they’re waiting for my decision.”

“What about your contract with BMW? Mario is so fond of you.”

“He won’t be happy to see me go, but he’ll understand. I just… I need to think everything through. My future carrier is on the line. BMW is the third fastest team on the grid behind Ferrari and McLaren. But I’m only a testing driver which is fine because I’m not ready to handle such a powerful car. Remember how I felt after Austin? It hurt so much I was sure I broke something in my neck… I can stay at BMW as their third driver and keep training to be ready to replace Nick or Robert, but neither of them will be willing to let go of his seat anytime soon. Meanwhile, there is a seat for me at Toro Rosso right now. The trouble is that it’s Toro Rosso and I will most likely be a backmarker. But I will race and get experience.”

“Something tells me that you’ve already made up your mind.”

“We will have to cancel our Summer plans again.”

“Look… You were never hiding your intention to become an F1 driver. I knew what I was getting into. So, putting my college and other things aside, our lives will from now on revolve around an F1 calendar. We’ll make it work. Even if you decide to move to Italy.”

“I’m not moving anywhere. I like Walchwil.”

Hanna stirred the pasta again.

Having signed the contract with Toro Rosso, Sebastian had made a decision to withdraw from the World Series by Renault even though he was leading in the classification. Now his full focus was on the team from Faenza. Hanna was sure that during his current visit at the factory he was trying to memorize all the names of his new co-workers. She had no doubt that he was going to enjoy his new work environment. He was also particularly proud to have a Ferrari engine in his racing car.

Hanna went out onto the terrace to take a look at the road, hoping to spot Sebastian’s BMW. The ringing of her phone forced her to come back inside.

“HI! I just started cooking the pasta.”

“Ehm… I’m still in Faenza. Riccardo didn’t show up at the factory yet… You remember Riccardo Adami, my new race engineer? I called him a few times, but he’s not picking up. I should probably try again. I would feel really stupid it if turned out that I mixed up dates and the meeting is next week.”

Hanna looked at the clock on the wall, keeping in mind that Sebastian needed at least 5 hours to get to Walchwil. “How long will it take?”

“I have no idea. But as soon as I’m free, I’m jumping into my car and driving straight to you. I should be home for a late dinner.”

“Very late…”

“I’m sorry. Remind me next time not to change teams mid-season.”

“I’ll keep that in mind."

*

Hanna finished preparing the spaghetti, put it onto two plates and covered them with foil. The flat was tidied up and ready for Sebastian’s return. She had nothing to do beside reading.

Sebastian had asked her to go with him to Faenza but she declined. He wouldn’t have time for her anyway, and she preferred to wait for him in a familiar place. She was regretting that decision now. She hated the idea that he would feel tempted to go over the speed limit while rushing home.

*

An hour later Hanna’s dad called. “I found a beautiful bedsitter for you in Nagold. I told the owner that we’ll check it out on Tuesday. Let’s hope nobody beats us to it. The location is perfect, you’ll see for yourself.”

Hanna opened her laptop to take a look at her schedule. Or rather Sebastian’s schedule.

_Should I ask him to go to Nagold with me? Better not. Someone might recognize him... On the other hand: I will be living there and I would love him to visit. Should I tell my new friends about him? Will I even have new friends?_

She still had her old friends. One of them, Amy, just sent her an email. It was mostly about Howard (Amy and Howard were going through a rough patch in their relationship).

“How can he not see what is happening? I keep making compromises while he’s not even trying to meet me half-way. We’re both so bored with everything we do, but whenever I come up with a new idea, he’s immediately against it or… which is even worse, he takes control of everything and before I know it, he’s even planned my outfit! I’ve been letting him decide on so many things that I’m starting to wonder if he even cares about my opinion. Does he even know what my opinion is? Does he know what I think? Or who the real Amy is?”

Hanna heaved a deep sigh. She didn’t want to sound condescending, but the compromises Amy was referring to sounded silly in comparison to what Hanna was going through.

“Love is compromise,” Hanna said some time ago, after her friend had brought up the matter over the phone. “Do you love him or not?”

“You wouldn't understand because you’re not like me. You have a different nature. You enjoy living in Sebastian’s shadow and making sacrifices. It’s convenient for him. If I were you, I would make sure he’s not using it to his advantage.”

*

Sebastian called again after five. Hanna darted to her phone, bubbling with hope.

“And?”

“I’m really sorry, but I’m afraid I won’t be back until tomorrow morning,” he said. “I’ll wake you up and make it up to you, I promise.”

“Are you in a bar?” Hanna asked. At the sound of a woman laughing in the background, something cold and heavy started growing in her stomach. _I can't be jealous. I won't!_

“One of my new mechanics invited me to his birthday party. I couldn’t refuse. Riccardo is here as well and some other guys… I’m very sorry that you had to be alone today. I hope you’ll find something enjoyable to do.”

Hanna felt tears coming to her eyes. “I’ll try. Have fun and... drive carefully.”

”I will. See you tomorrow. I love you.”

“I love you too.” The sweetest words in the universe left an ashy aftertaste on her tongue.

*

She woke up at dawn. She was tossing and turning in the bed for an hour before she decided to watch a movie.

After turning her laptop on, she discovered another message from Amy.

“You must be tired of me whining. I’m sorry. I love Howard, I still do. But I know that if we don’t change our approach, this relationship will turn into hell. I wish I were as selfless as you. I hope Sebastian knows how precious you are. To be honest, I envy you. You and Seb complete each other in a perfect way.”

_We complete each other, yes. He’s busy all the time, and I have nothing to do. He’s constantly surrounded by people and I’m sleeping alone in his apartment._

_But I won’t talk about him behind his back. I won’t complain. It wouldn’t be right. What I need to do is to be honest with him._

Still, the need to vent was strong. But instead of sharing her thoughts with Amy, Hanna decided to write to herself.

She double-clicked on a diary file that she had created after returning to Heppenheim from the best weekend of her life. That night she couldn’t sleep either, but from a different reason.

Instead of writing, Hanna started to read:

> _13 November 2006, Monday_
> 
> I love him, I love him, Iove, love, love!
> 
> I can’t sleep, so I just turned my laptop on and decided to create a new diary file.
> 
> A few hours ago I returned home from the best weekend of my life.
> 
> It doesn’t matter how tightly I wrap the duvet around myself, it won’t substitute the comfort of Sebastian’s arms.
> 
> Sebastian. My Sebastian. I keep whispering his name, loving the sound of it. I’ve been whispering it many times, my voice trembling and thick. I’ve been murmuring it straight into his ear. Sebastian… my universe, my air, my everything.
> 
> The memories are still vivid in my mind and even though I miss him already, I smile as I’m writing these words. I’m happy. He fuelled me with happiness.
> 
> It makes me laugh every time I remember how stressed I was when I was packing my bags on Friday. On Saturday the only thing on me was the bathrobe…  well, and Sebastian.
> 
> He can make the best scrambled eggs on the planet! He wanted to serve the breakfast in bed, but I got bored waiting so I went to the kitchen (it’s not really a kitchen, just an annex in the living room) to check on him. He was naked, but put an apron on.
> 
> “Safety first,” he joked. “I thought we were going to stay naked today.”
> 
> “Take the apron off and I’ll lose the bathrobe.”
> 
> We decided to eat at the table; it kept our private parts hidden, but Sebastian had trouble focusing on his meal anyway.
> 
> He could stare at my body for hours. I keep having goose bumps every time I remember the moment when I hid behind the door and then told him to turn around and to hug me… He looked at my naked body, it took only a second, but I shivered all over. Back then, I was still unsecure. I needed to be sure that he liked what he saw, that I met his expectations. But later on he expressed his admiration. His lips and hands complimented me tenderly.
> 
> God, I don’t even know how many hours I spent lying on the carpet or the couch or the bed while he was just staring… Almost as if he wanted to remember all the details of my body, up to the tiniest beauty mark. We talked about everything and nothing in particular. I could tell that he was distracted and sometimes the things he was saying didn’t make much sense. Words were coming out of his mouth while his mind was occupied with something else. At some point a lustful hunger would appear in his eyes and he would yearn for more than just visual stimulation.
> 
> I love satiating his hunger. Over and over again.
> 
> In the afternoon, while tidying up the bathroom, he ‘accidentally’ stumbled upon a bottle of massage oil. We spread towels on the couch to prevent stains, but… silly me, I had to leave an oily palmprint on the wall.
> 
> The moment it happened… well, I was out of control. It started as a make out session, Seb on the couch, me kneeling astride his lap. If I lifted myself slightly up, he could play with my nipples as long as he pleased. He made me want him so badly. There was that painful void inside my body and I was aching for him to fill it. He asked if I want to stay in his lap. I did. I couldn’t wait to see how it would feel. Me on top. Finally, I felt confident enough.
> 
> I might not be perfect, but who is? In his eyes I’m the sexiest woman in the world.
> 
> Sebastian had that blissful expression on his face. He was doing his best to last as long as possible. But looking at me, seeing me working my hips wasn’t helping. No wonder he kept closing his eyes.
> 
> When he grabbed my hips and we picked up the pace, it felt surreal, ridiculous even… but if felt so good. I wanted to steady myself, so I pressed a hand to the wall. I hope Seb will get rid of that palmprint before someone asks about it.
> 
> We played backgammon naked! Sebastian set the board on the carpet. I asked him to quickly go over the rules. He was pretty annoyed with himself because every time I moved a hand over my thigh or lifted an arm to fix my hair, he couldn’t focus on counting. A puzzled Sebastian is such a turn on. I love watching him rack his brain. Once he realized I wasn’t as clueless about the game as I wanted him to believe, he was determined to beat me. Dad loves backgammon, so I had my fair share of duels, but the only strategy I can use is counting on luck. And that day luck wasn’t on my side. Sebastian was already removing his checkers, while one of mine was still on the bar.
> 
> I stretched myself out on the carpet. “Wouldn’t you prefer to play on this board?” I asked, running fingers down my neck before gently cupping my boob. “We can win together and everyone will be happy.”
> 
> “Nice try,” he said, his eyes back on the board, darting from one checker to another as if he was considering a move.
> 
> “It’s my move now,” I pointed out, slipping a hand between my legs.
> 
> “Are you looking for these?” he asked, extending a hand with the cubes. Still in a joking mood, but his ears were already turning red as usual when he’s aroused.
> 
> I spread my thighs to improve his viewing experience. Didn’t expect him to resist so long. He did put the cubes away but made no move toward me.
> 
> “I need you here,” I whispered invitingly.
> 
> “You look like you know what you’re doing.”
> 
> “All right then…” I pretended not to care. I relaxed and kept touching myself, eyes closed, hips rocking to the rhythm of pleasure. Finally, I heard him move. He wouldn’t stay away. It wasn’t his nature.
> 
> We had fun on the carpet, taking it slowly. We stopped touching to focus on our mouths and tongues. Sebastian’s tongue would be the death of me… It always pushes me closer to the edge. And since at that point I was already close… I just couldn’t keep myself from coming. The touch of Sebastian’s fingers increased the pleasure… He kept caressing me, giving me all the time in the world to recover. He was putting the same effort into making me feel good before my orgasm and after it.
> 
> “Girls are lucky. Always ready for more,” he said after I suggested we moved to the bed.
> 
> “Only with a good lover,” I said.
> 
> It was more comfortable in bed. We turned the music on and made love until we got tired.
> 
> I woke up from a nap with an empty stomach. Sebastian was hungry too. We fixed ourselves some porridge with bananas and ate it straight from the pot.
> 
> Before we took a shower, Sebastian warned me that his neighbours could hear us. I hope the sound of the running water was loud enough to drown our giggling. And the other noises that I made, because… as if out of spite, the pleasure was so intense, I just couldn’t hold myself back. Sebastian didn’t seem to mind.
> 
> On Sunday I woke up sore. I told Sebastian about the pain. We spent the morning snuggled in a blanket, watching Prison Break and wondering what to eat for lunch.
> 
> This time I was the cook. I put the apron on. Sebastian offered to help (he just wanted to stare at me, even though his favourite parts of my body were covered), so I told him to chop some carrots. When I bent down to snatch a plate from a bottom cabinet, I heard him hiss.
> 
> “Hand me a towel…”
> 
> I turned to him, a smug smile on my lips… Silly me! Turned out he cut his finger. The cut wasn’t deep, but the blood was already sipping through.
> 
> Instead of handing him that damn towel, I darted to him, grabbed his hand and put the bleeding finger in my mouth. I’m used to dealing with small cuts on my own. You don’t always have a tissue at hand. And while you’re looking for it, there’s no need to leave a trail of blood. The sight of blood never bothered me. I forgot that Sebastian had different experiences. Especially after the accident at Spa, where he nearly lost a finger.
> 
> My cheeks smarting, I straightened myself up. My saliva slowed the bleeding down. I could feel the taste of Sebastian’s blood on my tongue.
> 
> “I’m sorry.  I wasn’t thinking…” I said, wrapping a paper towel around his finger.
> 
> “Why are you sorry? You didn’t cut me, I cut myself.”
> 
> I tried to catch his eyes, but he was averting his gaze. “I forgot you don’t like blood.”
> 
> “I wasn’t thinking about blood when you-“ he trailed off, blushing. We made eye contact, it was short but it was enough.
> 
> I felt relieved, but still didn’t know how to react. I would be a liar if I said that I had no oral sex related thoughts when I pushed his finger into my mouth. So I wasn’t surprised that he thought about it too, I just didn’t expect him to openly admit it.
> 
> “I’m sorry if I made you uneasy,” he said, my lovely mind-reader. “We don’t have to talk about it.”
> 
> “I’m not… uneasy,” I said, stepping up to him. “I feel tense, but in a good way.”
> 
> “It was hot,” he blurted out. “Because your lips are so soft and beautiful and your mouth… is hot…” HOT, HOT, HOT! That was my favourite word too.
> 
> The air between us felt electric. I looked Sebastian deeply in the eye to make sure he felt the same way. Ha-ha, I’m kidding. I just looked at his penis. “Do you want to have sex?”
> 
> He pulled a face as if going through his options.
> 
> “Sebastian…”
> 
> Laughing, he took me in his arms. “Mind my finger, though.”
> 
> It was our last time before we got back to Heppenheim. To my pleasant surprise, the morning soreness was gone. Or maybe I just couldn’t feel it.
> 
> “I’ll do it, one day,” I whispered, kissing Sebastian’s fingers. “I promise.”

Hanna closed her laptop, her cheeks smarting. Trembling with arousal, she pulled the duvet over her head. A minute later she started suffocating so she flung the cover off. The memories of passion were making her heart throb. She missed Sebastian’s touch and kisses.

_He’s on his way. I’ll wait for him. It shouldn’t take long, just a few hours._

Sebastian wouldn’t mind if she masturbated fantasising about him. They had already talked about it and neither of them minded. He said that intense physical activity was partially relieving his sexual tension, but Hanna wasn’t an athlete.

_I should just do it… make myself feel good. Maybe I’ll fall asleep afterwards._

Hanna licked her lips, stroking the inside of her thigh.

_If he came back right now… that would be perfect…_

She would ask him to sit on the bed before kneeling in front of him to unzip his trousers…

Hanna jumped on the bed, startled by her phone ringing a few centimetres away from her head. She snatched it, trying not to think about car accidents and hospitals. She couldn’t think of any positive reason for Sebastian to call her at that hour.

“Hello? Are you okay?”

“Sorry for waking you up… Just got back to the hotel. I feel a bit drowsy… They dragged me into a nightclub and I had a few beers. Like... two and a half. Can’t drive, obviously. I’m really sorry.”

Hanna tried to swallow. The fire that was burning inside her just a few seconds ago died in an instant.

“Hanna? Are you there?”

“Yes.”

“If it’s not a problem, I would prefer to stay here until Monday. I could use the opportunity to talk to the engine guys. Do you have any plans for Tuesday? I'll be free on Tuesday.”

“Dad found a bedsitter for me. I wanted to check it out.”

“Can’t you take care of it on Monday?”

“I don’t know.”

Sebastian sighed. He sounded annoyed. Almost as if she had done something wrong.

"Listen, _Mausi_ … Help me out here. I would like to stay in Italy, if that’s okay. But if you have anything against it, please let me know.”

Hanna blinked, her eyes welling up with tears that burned like an allergy. “It’s okay…” she spoke, her voice flat. “If that’s what you want.”

“That’s great. You’re the best-“

Hanna quickly hung up before he could hear her crying. “No,” she sobbed, burying her face in the pillow. “It’s not okay.”


	32. Shooting star

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: dark clouds ahead.

Hanna’s eyes started filling with tears. She tried to blink them away, but the road ahead kept blurring. She pulled over to the side and reached for a new pack of tissues, throwing a glance at the bags on the backseat. She had packed all her personal belongings, leaving in Walchwil only the things that Sebastian had personally bought for her.

 _You’re such a drama queen_ , said a cynical voice in her head. _Moving out is a huge overreaction._

Hanna blew her nose. Her heart was breaking every time she imagined Sebastian coming back from the Toro Rosso headquarters just to discover that all her things were gone.

An overreaction? No, it was about time he realized that something was out of order. She was unable to explain it, but she believed that a few days of avoiding him would be a good illustration of what she’d been through, especially during last weekend.

Not everything in her life was revolving around Sebastian, right? She needed to take care of the bedsitter and then maybe see around Nagold.

Sebastian had said he had two and a half beer. Enough to get him hammered. He probably lost control not only of his words, but also his actions…

He was making friends and it looked as if he was willing to make big sacrifices just to keep them happy.

 

*

 

Sebastian was trying to call her in the afternoon, but she decided not to pick up.

 _He’ll think I’m driving or that I went for a walk and left my phone in the flat_ , she thought.

_One missed call shouldn’t create much suspicion._

Two hours later he was calling again.

 _Should I take it or not?_ Hanna stared at her phone. _And what would I say? I’m not going to sob over the phone…_

Before she could decide, the phone went silent. A minute later she received an sms.

“You okay?”

_Is he worried or annoyed? Because I’m starting to feel irritated._

She had trouble to come up with a reply. It wouldn’t be fair to pretend that she was okay. She didn’t want to lie, but on the other hand she didn’t want to alarm him just yet. First, she needed him to return to Walchwil and to discover that all her stuff was gone.

_Then he’ll have some time to think everything through and to understand my point of view._

“Can’t talk right now. Have a nice day.”

Sebastian replied with a sad emoticon. “You too,” he added later.

 

*

 

She was convinced he wouldn’t try to get in touch until the next day, but she was wrong. She was just about to go to sleep when her phone started ringing again.

Hanna sighed heavily. She had no excuse to be busy so late in the evening. She hoped Sebastian would think that her phone was already on mute while she was asleep.

The ringtone played four times before Sebastian gave up. Not for long. Two minutes later he was calling again; this time he waited for the voicemail.

“Hanna? I just got back home and… where are you? Why couldn’t you message me that you were leaving? I was driving with a hangover… You said you would be busy on Tuesday, didn’t you? I know I was still a bit drunk but I remember what you said. I left the factory as soon as I could. Why didn’t you call? I would’ve planned my day differently.”

He paused.

“I have a feeling that you’re angry with me. Is it about the nightclub? I didn’t even want to go… anyway, can’t change what happened. So… I don’t know what to add. I’m a bit disgruntled right now because an empty flat is not what I was expecting, so… I better hang up before I say something stupid.”

He was quiet for a while, while Hanna’s heart pounded achingly in her chest.

“Goodnight,” he added, his voice thick as if he were close to tears.

And he probably was. Hanna knew him backwards and forwards and she knew he tended to tear up when things weren’t going his way. Like a little baby…

Hanna put her phone away, waves of anger crushing against her. One second biting like frost, the other making her blood boil.

_Why didn’t you call? I would’ve planned my day differently._

He learned nothing. Now he was the victim because she wasted his time.

 

*

 

She couldn’t sleep that night.

The only thing she wanted was to give Sebastian a firs-hand experience of what it feels like to get stood up by someone you love. But his reaction was different from what she’d expected. _How are we supposed to fix this problem if Sebastian doesn’t even see it exists?_

 

*

 

_Tuesday, somewhere on the road between Heppenheim and Nagold_

“You’re awfully quiet today.” Hanna’s dad studied her face when they were waiting for the lights to turn green.

It was still early in the morning, but he knew her too well to know that she wasn’t just sleepy.

“Are you sick? Maybe you should drive?”

Hanna shook her head. She remembered how back when she was younger she used to pour her heart to her dad about the problems she had at school. He was full of good advice.

“So… is Sebastian back in Walchwil?”

Of course he knew what was eating her.

“He came back yesterday. Late in the evening.”

“And?”

“And he was disappointed with me for not letting him know that I left.”

“You told me he wouldn’t return until today.”

“Because that’s what he said. I guess he changed his mind.”

It took her dad three kilometres to come up with a comment. “You won’t like what I’m about to say, but being together is exactly what it says: being together. Spending time together. You can’t do it over the phone. I’m not sure if it’s going to work for you too. You’ll be living in Nagold, Sebastian in Walchwil or even in Italy, who knows…”

“He said he’ll stay in Switzerland.”

“Well… as long as he’s in Toro Rosso, but where will he be in a few years? This boy has a clear goal in his life and God bless him for that, but… it’s your happiness that matters to me most. I don’t want you to spend your best years chasing after a shooting star.”

Hanna’s eyes smarted. At this point she was seriously and unpleasantly surprised she hasn’t run out of tears.

It was supposed to be a lesson… An attempt to fix things and make their relationship stronger. But now the wall of ice she built around her to keep her boyfriend temporarily away has turned into an iceberg. And their ship was steering straight at it.

“You probably can’t imagine your life without Sebastian, but believe me… There are things I couldn’t have imagined myself, but they still happened. You get used to them. Things change. And sometimes they even change for the better. The only-“  

“Dad, stop!” Hanna closed her eyes, trying to ignore the dark feelings hitting her like an avalanche. She was barely holding on, trying not to think about what would happen if she’d let go and hit the bottom.

“I’m sorry. I just need time to sort things out,” she said, her voice polite. The last thing she needed was to have an argument with another person she loved.

“Okay. And once you do, talk to Sebastian. And be honest,” her dad advised.

Hanna nodded, sparkles of hope illuminating the darkness of her sorrow. At the moment she wasn’t sure if she would be able to explain the situation to Sebastian as candidly as she wanted. But she promised herself not to beat around the bush.

 

*

 

For the next few hours Hanna’s thoughts were focused on the bedsitter her dad had found. It was still available and Hanna liked it a lot. It was on the third floor of an old half-timbered building, two windows overlooking a pizzeria on the other side of the street.

Nagold was as picturesque as Heppenheim; it felt familiar. Hanna found out that there were other students living in the building, currently on vacation. But she was the only person who wasn’t sharing a flat and had her own parking spot. She needed a half an hour to get to the Academy on foot, much less if she were to drive.

“Will you finally tell me how much is the rent?” she asked her dad when they were approaching their family home. All the way back to Heppenheim he kept changing the subject.

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Are you going to tell me or not?”

“We can afford it. You focus on acquiring knowledge, keep the bills to me. Investing in children always pays off.”

Hanna leaned forward to kiss her dad on the cheek. “I love you, dad.”

“I love you too.”

The babysitter was sorted, now she had time to think about her relationship. She checked her phone; no messages from Sebastian. It was nice of him to give her some space.

Her dad stopped the car in front of the house, his expression changing. “Speaking about love… Sebastian’s here.”

Hanna turned her head. Sebastian’s BMW was parked nearby, its owner sitting inside and waiting.

 _I’m not ready_ , Hanna thought, her heart clenching with anxiety.

_Why didn’t he let me know that he was coming? Was it to take me by surprise and give me no time to prepare?_

_Or maybe, unlike me, he had enough time to think everything through? Maybe there are flowers waiting on the passenger seat? Maybe he’ll approach me with eyes full of tears to ask for forgiveness?_

Hanna undid the belt, feeling her dad’s stare.

“Be brave,” he said, once again proving how well he knew her.

Hanna nodded and got out of the car.

Sebastian was still sitting in his BMW. Waiting.


	33. No surrender

Hanna's feet rooted to the ground half-way between her dad's car and Sebastian's BMW.

_Why isn't he getting out?_

She felt like turning away and running home. She wasn't ready for that conversation. She was afraid that she would yield to Sebastian's point of view just to avoid further argument.

If only she could leave her own body and push it toward Sebastian. She imagined herself doing that and it worked.

_Maybe he wants to take me to a place where we can talk in peace?_

Hanna approached the car, opened the door and got inside clumsily as if she were thirteen again.

"I started to think that I'm invisible." Sebastian's voice was tense. He crossed his arms around his chest and even though he turned his head, he didn't really look at her.

_He's not going to take me anywhere_. Hanna closed the door, a claustrophobic feeling swooping over her. "I didn't know you were coming," she said, looking at her hands.

"Now you know the feeling."

Hanna frowned. Was he using her tactics by trying to teach her a lesson? "I hope you know why I left Walchwil."

He knitted his eyebrows, eyes locked on the steering wheel. "Of course I know. Because I didn't ask your permission to go out for a beer with my new colleagues."

Hanna opened her mouth, shocked. Yes, she was sometimes jealous, especially in the past, but she was trying her best to control the impulses. She had taken Corinna's words to heart and trusted Sebastian's judgment. She couldn't believe that he was using a weakness of hers to discredit her actions.

"You say one thing while thinking something completely different," Sebastian continued. "Even if I could read your thoughts, as we often joke, how am I supposed to know what you really want?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I asked if you had something against me staying in Italy and you said 'no'. Why couldn't you just say that you want me to return to Walchwil?"

"Wasn't my preference obvious? I came to Switzerland for you. To spend time with you. I can read books at home where I have family to talk to and share meals with!" She raised her voice. She didn't want to but it happened.

"Why couldn't you tell the truth? That's why I asked."

"It wasn't a fair question. If I said that I want you back, your 'new colleagues' would say that I'm possessive and unsupportive." Hanna's voice started to tremble. "I know how precious your time is. I understand why we had to cancel our trip to Italy... two times. In some situations your career is a priority, but not in this case. You didn't need to spend the entire weekend in Faenza. You just wanted to. You've chosen potential career gains over me."

To her surprise, he didn't interrupt. Maybe he was finally getting her point?

Hanna threw a sidelong glance at the boy. He was shaking his head, hands clenched on the steering wheel as if he wished to drive away. "I begged you to come with me," he said.

"You didn't beg, you just asked. And we both agreed that it wasn't the best idea because you wanted to come back home as soon as possible anyway."

"And that's exactly what I did!"

Hanna let out an exasperated sigh. "It's not about that one day... You really think I'm that petty?"

"What is it about then? The last time we saw each other you were a happy bunny. So when exactly did you start feeling unhappy? Because I have no idea what I did wrong. I always tell you everything. I consulted with you all the major steps of my career. I might not be the best boyfriend in the world, because I'm tied up with work, but I warned you about it when we first started dating. I always felt lucky that you were willing to ignore the drawbacks. I guess my luck has run out. I'm sorry if you imagined our future differently... but I'm not sure if I can fix it. I am who am I."

"It's not about my visions or you as a person. It's about your actions. You can change the way you act, it's entirely up to you."

"Or you could change your expectations."

"You really think I'm the problem here?"

"Well... I haven't changed. I just made a step forward in my career. And if it makes you feel marginalized than maybe you need to reconsider being with someone like me. It'll only get worse. Just to give you a heads-up."

"So... you're saying that I should break up with you?"

"I'm sure you'll find someone who will dedicate their full attention to you. And who will be at you service night and day."

"How can you be so mean? I did nothing wrong. I told you that I need to go and check the bedsitter. I'm starting college soon. It might not be a big thing by your standards, but I could really appreciate a bit of help."

"See? That's your problem. You want two things at once. You want our relationship to remain secret and at the same time you're angry with me for not going with you to Nagold. How am I supposed to know what you want if you don't know it yourself? Pick one thing and stick with it."

"I feel like you're trying to make me break up with you."

"You started it!"

"Do you really want us to break up?"

Sebastian's expression softened. He got quiet which felt more ominous than an angry reply. "Maybe that would be better for you."

Hanna felt as if he pushed her away in a physical way. Suddenly it all became clear. He wanted to split. That's why he had preferred to stay with his new buddies in Faenza. It had nothing to do with work. He was never going to listen to her arguments because he'd already made up his mind.

"You're treating me like a burden..." she said, her voice pained.

"It's the opposite. You deserve someone better... so... go and find him."

"I don't want someone better."

"Yes, you do. I heard what you said."

"How can you know what I want if-"  _If I don't know if myself?_  She fell into his trap. "You know what? I'm tired of this conversation." She yanked the door handle, the world blurring before her. "Goodbye."

She wished he stopped her. She wished he said something. Anything. Like: we'll talk tomorrow, I'll call you after I'm back from China, I need more time to think...

But the second she closed the door, Sebastian turned the engine on and pulled away.

Hanna staggered toward her house. Overwhelmed, dazed and hurting.

_What just happened? How? Why?_

*

Twenty four hours of checking her phone (minus five hours of a restless sleep).

She couldn't fathom the idea that they had really broken up. There were no issues with their relationship before that unfortunate trip to Faenza, and yet suddenly everything was wrong.

Hanna's thoughts were coursing back and forth, her emotions all over the place. She was angry and then heartbroken and then depressed and then angry again.

There was a moment when she regretted her stance and was willing to take the blame, but it passed.

Sebastian had asked her to change her expectations. He basically wanted her to accept the fact that she had become an accessory to his life. She couldn't agree to do that. Not because she considered herself such an important figure, but because she believed that it was beneath Sebastian's dignity to treat her like that. His priorities were askew. Despite his claims, he did change; the lovely Sebastian from a few years ago would've never given up on her just to chase his dream.

*

Her heart leapt when she got an email from Sebastian.

"Could you send me the updated copy of my schedule? Thanks in advance. I will handle it from now on. Have a nice day. S."

Hanna felt as if someone punched the air out of her lungs.

Sebastian didn't want her help.

_So we really did split. At least from his point of view. Or maybe it's just a temporary break?_

She spent hours arguing with Sebastian in her head, trying to find a common ground. She could recall his exact words but struggled to follow his logic.

_Maybe he met someone in Italy? How long until he starts dating someone else?_

_Am I single now?_

What difference was it making? Hanna's heart was in pieces and she didn't feel like letting anyone near it.

Hanna recalled what Amy had written in her last email. Her friend was right. Hanna was making too many sacrifices. Hoping that Sebastian will make it up to her turned out vain. He preferred getting rid of her as if she were only a ballast.

"You deserve someone better... so... go and find him."

_Very selfless of you. It must be nice to finally be able to focus on the only thing you really love: Formula 1,_ Hanna imagined herself saying to Sebastian.

In her imagination he was selfish and cruel. As if she were subconsciously trying to justify what had happened. Because surely she couldn't be with someone like that. He gave her no choice. And she didn't miss him... Not at all.

While browsing the web, she 'accidently' stumbled upon a photo gallery from the Italian Gran Prix.

_Let's see how the new liberated Sebastian is doing_ , she wondered.

First picture: Jennie Raikkonen with a dog. Second picture: Piero Ferrari. Third picture...

Hanna gasped.

Sebastian with a charming grin and very short hair posing with two blond girls. One of them, pretty like a doll, was resting a hand on his shoulder.

Sebastian knew Hanna loved his curls. The fact that he decided to get a haircut right after their argument was no accident.

_Well, congratulations_ , she thought.  _Now that you finally liberated yourself from me, you can do whatever you want with your hair. You can also pose to pictures with every girl in the paddock without worry that silly Hanna might get hysterical._

Scrolling down the gallery Hanna discovered some photos of Sebastian walking down the paddock, no one else in frame. There was a weird, exaggerated frown or more like a grimace on his face. And since his hair was so short... he looked... bad.  _Like a little troll._

As soon as the thought crossed Hanna's mind, a voice in her head burst out laughing.  _If he's so ugly then why are you jealous? Why were you even looking for his photos?_

Hanna clenched her jaw and closed the browser.

*

"Hi, Amy... I don't know if you already heard, but I'm not with Sebastian..."

_No, that doesn't sound right._

"Hi, Amy. What's up? Any changes in your life? Because mine looks..."

_Different? Weird? Crappy?_

Hanna highlighted the text and hit delete.

It's been a while since Amy's last email, but they often had pauses in their exchange, sometimes even months long. So Hanna's silence wasn't suspicious yet. But once Amy would find out about what happened between Hanna and Sebastian, she would be really surprised that Hanna kept it from her.

_That's what friends are for, right? To be able to rant to them and get things off one's chest._  Amy was constantly sharing her thoughts with Hanna. Oversharing, actually...

Hanna kept staring at the screen of her laptop.

There was a huge chance that Amy had broken up with Howard.  _Or she will break up when she hears the news_. Why should she even try to patch things up with her boyfriend if 'the perfect couple' couldn't make it?

*

One Sunday, when Hanna was going to the bathroom, she caught her dad watching the race. As soon as he spotted her, he switched the channel. Her first instinct was to ask him to flip it back, but she decided to pretend that she didn't notice.

She used the bathroom, went back to her room and turned her own TV on to continue watching the same race. In secret, because she had a feeling that if her parents found out, they would feel sorry for her.

Sebastian wasn't doing too well.

He finished 19th in Italy. Had to retire on lap 9 in Belgium because of a handling problem (he didn't get much TV time, so Hanna didn't even see the collision that apparently led to the issue).

And then there was the race in Japan.

Hanna hadn't set up the alarm, but she woke up anyway. Filled with anxiousness since the crack of dawn.

It was her last morning in Heppenheim. After the last breakfast with her family she was leaving to start a new life in Nagold.

It was still early, her parents and brother were sleeping.

Hanna couldn't stop thinking about Sebastian's frame of mind. How much their argument was influencing his ability to focus? Was he even thinking about her? Did he have someone to vent to? Was he moody or grumpy? Did he miss the affection and the comforting she was always giving him after bad races?

When she turned the TV and saw the conditions at Suzuka, she felt dizzy with nerves. The cars were circling behind the SC while Hanna was praying for the red flag. She couldn't stop thinking about Sebastian's accident at Spa.

But as the race went on, Sebastian suddenly became a third car behind the SC, with just Hamilton and Webber in front of him. Hanna couldn't believe her own eyes. She felt confident about Sebastian's skills, but... there were real champions in way faster cars sliding and spinning and crashing out... and yet he survived all the madness and now was in front of them.

_He's going to be on the podium! In such a shitty car!_

She started celebrating too early.

On lap 45 Sebastian crashed into the rear of Webber. He just couldn't see Mark and didn't manage to slow down in time. Mark was cursing over the radio.

Hanna kept staring at the screen, her heart in her throat. Sebastian's car was still going, although it was too damaged to continue the race.

_But he's safe. Unharmed. Physically at least._

A few laps later the cameras showed Sebastian in his garage crying. He was hiding his face, but everybody could see that he was shaking with tears. Terrified because he cost points both his team and Red Bull.

_He needs love... Someone... please, make him feel safe._

The embarrassment, the shame that Sebastian must have been going through... they pierced Hanna's heart like a spear. Almost as if she shared a body with him.

She wished she could be next to him right now. She wished she could stand between the cameraman and him. She would push the guy away. She would forbid anyone to approach Sebastian. Especially Webber.

She grabbed her phone.  _He won't pick up, don't even try..._   _Even if he does, what will I say to him? What if I make him feel even more embarrassed? He'll probably think I pity him._

Hanna put the phone away.

*

Hanna watched his dad arrange her bags in the trunk. She was more than capable to do it herself, but she had a feeling that by accepting his help she'd improve his mood. Her parents were taking her departure very emotionally. Her weekend-long excursions to Walchwil didn't prepare them for this moment.

"Is that all?" her dad asked, straightening himself up. "I think I've seen more bags in your room."

Hanna opened her mouth. She wanted to tell him that she can always come back, Nagold wasn't that far. But before she could speak, she heard a familiar voice.

"Hi, Hanna. Hello." Ralf with Howard (the dog) on a leash approached Hanna's car.

"Hi!" Hanna exclaimed, crouching down to greet the dog first before she stood up to give a hug to its owner.

"I'm glad that I managed to catch you before your departure." A delicate blush rose on Ralf's cheeks.

Hanna glanced over her shoulder; her dad was gone, he probably went to check for more bags in her room. "How did you know I was leaving?"

"I was just guessing. I needed to walk Howard anyway..."

Hanna and Ralf looked at the dog that decided to sit down almost as if expecting a longer stop.

"It's been a while since we last spoke. How's Mathilda?"

"She caught a stomach bug and stays in bed since Friday."

"Poor thing... Such a shame I didn't know, I would've paid her a visit yesterday."

"She might be contagious."

"She didn't make you sick."

"Not yet..."

"I'll call her later."

Ralf fixed his sleeve. "She'll be happy to hear from you, just... if I can ask a favour. She doesn't know that you and Sebastian... you know... had a fallout. It'll be better to tell her later, after she recovers."

"But you do know, as I see," Hanna said with a serious note. "Have you talked to Sebastian?"

"I was at his place last weekend. I was going to call you, but then I got busy."

Hanna tried to imagine Sebastian and Ralf spending time together in Walchwil. They must've had a great time. Sebastian loved making Ralf laugh, and Ralf loved acting as Sebastian's older brother, a brother with less courage but a lot more common sense.

"I have no idea what Sebastian told you, but... I hope you're aware that there are two sides to every story."

Ralf studied her; it was a really long and intense gaze by Ralf's standards. "Actually, he didn't want to talk about it. Even after a beer."

Hanna felt something inside her melting. Was it possible that Sebastian was ashamed of what he did? Maybe he realized his mistake and didn't want to look like a fool in front of Ralf?

"There's only one thing on his mind, you know him. He's utterly absorbed by this new team. Head over heels," Ralf added, killing Hanna's hopes before they had a chance to bloom. "It's not good for him. I told him that. There's too much lottery in racing. Remember how I had an argument with him about those college applications? And then he nearly lost a finger at Spa. I was certain that he learned his lesson."

Hanna reached out to put a hand on Ralf's shoulder. "You don't even know how relieved I am hearing your words. For a moment I was sure I lost my mind."

"What do you mean?"

"Since he moved to Toro Rosso, he can't stop working. You know how he always has a precise plan of what he needs to achieve and takes every opportunity to move ahead. I never wanted to slow down his progress. The problem is that just a year ago he couldn't wait to get home after a race and now... he can't wait to get back to work."

Ralf nodded. "I tried to make him understand. But he said that his dreams require a lot of sacrifice. According to him I will never get it because my life goals are different."

"He told me that we should split for my own good," Hanna said, her throat getting tight.

Ralf rolled his eyes. "He's making the same mistake again. He needs a backup plan."

"I don't want to be his backup plan, Ralf. I want to be his personal life. He got such a good advice on that from Michael and he stuck with it until recently..." Hanna was struggling to control her emotions. Ralf seemed more tense as well.

Howard (the dog) picked himself up and yawned. Once he noticed Hanna looking at him, he wagged his tail.

"Do you still love him?" Ralf asked.

Hanna closed her eyes. Her heart was heavy as a stone, but it still ached. A living, bleeding stone crushed by conflicting emotions. "Don't ask me to think about my feelings, Ralf. Not now. I'm about to leave my childhood home... You know what it's like. There's too much emotional load on me already. And I need confidence to make a good impression during my first week in college."

"I'm sorry," Ralf let out a deep sigh. "I'm only asking because... if you don't love him, there's no point in discussing the matter."

"I want to hear your opinion, regardless of my feelings," Hanna said.

Ralf looked up at her. "What's Sebastian's biggest flaw?"

"He's stubborn."

"Exactly. He's defending his position out of stubbornness. And your surrender made him convinced that he's right."

"I didn't surrender. Just the opposite. Lowering my expectations would be a surrender."

"I'm not saying that you should agree with him. I'm saying that you should keep fighting for him. He might be stubborn but he loves you. How do I know? Because he genuinely believes that you deserve someone better."

"It sounded a bit sarcastic when he said that," Hanna recalled.

"Not when I spoke to him. Look, I'm not here to find excuses for him, but... I think you need to make him change his mind."

Hanna shook her head. "He should've known better if he considers himself such a responsible and capable person. I'm not saying that his actions are unredeemable, but he'll have to figure it out by himself."

"I get your point, but going back to how stubborn he is, all my hopes are in you. Have you seen today's race?"

The grimace on Hanna's face was a sufficient reply.

"Right... Sebastian could use your support right now. There are huge changes in your life as well... and you're about to face them alone. That was always one of the things I admired the most about your relationship. The way you supported each other in difficult situations."

"Our last conversation was a devastating experience, Ralf. I don't want to go through it again."

Hanna's dad appeared outside. He was carrying a bag, but it wasn't Hanna's. Most likely her mom had decided to pack her more food.

"I understand... and I apologize for bugging you," Ralf said. "I should go."

" I'm glad we could talk."

"I really hope things work out between you and Sebastian. So... good luck."

"Thank you." Hanna hugged Ralf and then petted Howard's head.

The look on the dog's face brought her back to that distant night when she and Sebastian heard him in the forest and saved him from freezing to death. She smiled remembering how they found the guy responsible and how Mathilda suggested to throw horse shit all over his house.

"Let Mathilda know that I'll call her later."

"Okay, just... remember that she doesn't know about you and Sebastian. Sorry for asking you to lie, but I just want her to get better."

"I understand. And... could you call Sebastian today or tomorrow? He could use a friendly chat."

"Do you want me to pass a message from you?"

Hanna thought a while. "No. But you can tell him that we talked."

*

She had spilled so many tears in the recent weeks that when she was saying goodbye to her parents and brother her eyes were completely dry. Her first day of college was going to be more of a challenge.

She smiled to the rear view mirror, seeing her family wave after her as if she was going for war.

_Off I go to my new life_ , she thought, looking at the road ahead.  _Let's see how tough I really am._


	34. Single

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for language errors. Sometimes a have a feeling that I'm not exactly correct but I prefer to move forward because writing in English is already slow enough as it is for me. Thanks for all your positive comments, guys. They mean a lot.

New beginning. New surroundings. New friends.

Well, not friends yet. More like new faces.

Everyone seemed nice, helpful, creative. Well dressed. Especially guys.

During the first days of college Hanna kept catching herself on staring.

Men in suits, men with meticulously styled hair, men who strutted up and down the corridors, leaving a trail of cologne behind.

Hanna liked sitting in the first row. First row was good for shy people. Because if you needed to say something or ask a question, the only person you were forced to face was the professor. And the rest of the class could only see your back.

 _I’m almost as busy as Sebastian_ , Hanna thought, bending under the weight of new textbooks.

She cringed immediately.

Sebastian kept sneaking into her thoughts without invitation. Everything seemed related to him, even the most random things. When Hanna spotted an interesting bird, she remembered Sebastian saying that he wished he had wings. When she was pouring water into a glass, she remembered how he always carried a small bottle with him and was freaking out whenever his water supply ran out. When she saw a handsome student with a nicely trimmed beard, she wondered if Sebastian’s stubble would ever get thicker.

The images of other hairy parts on Sebastian’s body filled her mind; she felt like hitting herself in the face with a textbook.

New beginning. Nobody knew her. She was no longer “that rich girl who thinks she’s better than us”. She was no longer “Sebastian Vettel’s girlfriend”. She wasn’t “Sebastian Vettel’s ex-girlfriend” either.

 

*

 

Every day after getting back to her place, Hanna would organize her notes and do some reading.

“Providing beautiful lustre, hemp fabric is best for making apparel which can withstand harsh conditions and last longer,” she read, trying to memorize as many details as possible. “UV protected apparel fabric have an insulative quality that allows clothing to be cool in summer.”

When her mind would refuse to absorb any more information, she would close the books and go for a walk. More often than not she would end up in the pizzeria across the street. It had a real Italian chef. He seemed slightly older than Hanna (less than ten years older, for sure), and the clients at the pizzeria could watch him prepare their meals.

Hanna discovered that observing the Italian at work had a calming effect on her. Partly because he was handsome and very focused. She always found it extremely attractive in men - the ability to zoom in on something so intensely that the rest of the world would seize to exist.

That day, Hanna visited the pizzeria for the fifth time since she discovered it. She settled behind her favourite table across the kitchen and ordered cannelloni with ricotta and meat.

The Italian was just working on pizza dough. Hanna admired his dexterity. It wasn’t the first time she could watch him stretch and rotate the dough, yet she was still amazed. She imagined that he was doing it with the same finesse even when no one was watching.

As he kept stretching the dough, Hanna’s gaze shifted from his long fingers to his face.

 _So focused… so into it._ When he gently bit his lip, Hanna gasped. _So beautiful_ , his dark-chocolate eyes fixed on the fast rotating disc. He was like a god admiring his creation.

And then the god blinked, turned his head and looked straight at her.

Hanna averted her eyes.

_Damn it. Why must I always stare…_

She reached for her phone, acting or rather trying to act as if nothing happened.

_Oh my God, Hanna… Why do you think there’s a huge window into the kitchen? You’re free to look at him. Calm down._

She looked up shyly. The Italian was sorting through pizza toppings, he didn’t seem bothered, but there was a hint of blush on his cheek. And it was deepening.

 _I distracted him_ , Hanna realized. _But why is he blushing? Maybe he’s shy?_

_Or maybe he finds me attractive?_

Just to be safe, she turned her chair so he could work in peace. And prepare her cannelloni. He was probably aware who’s order that was.

A few minutes later, Hanna looked at her plate. To her disappointment there were no hearts written in sauce or any other secret messages. But still, when she took the first bite… her mouth filled with… love…

She closed her eyes, trying to process the ideal harmony of tastes.

“You like it?” someone asked.

Hanna managed to swallow without choking.

The Italian was studying her with a warm smile.

“I… d-do,” she admitted. “The best Italian food I’ve ever tasted.”

“Happy to know,” he said, keeping the ‘h’ silent. “I’m Marco, by the way.”

“Hanna.”

“Nice to meet you, Anna.”

_I can be Anna, no problem._

“Enjoy your meal now,” he added before returning to his work.

 

*

 

“Are you sure you don’t want to come home for the weekend?” Hanna’s mom sounded so hurt as if Hanna had just renounced her family.

 _Phone conversations are the best_ , Hanna thought. _Nobody sees you eyerolling._

“I want to go out with some friends. You keep asking if I met someone new. How am I supposed to do that if I’m either studying or in Heppenheim?”

“You could at least drop in on Sunday.”

“I don’t know what time I’ll be in bed… or if I’ll be fit to drive.”

Hanna couldn’t believe her own ears. She just suggested to her mom that she’s planning to get drunk, instead of telling the truth – that she wanted to watch a race in peace.

As for ‘going out', she indeed had made some plans, but they had nothing to do with ‘some friends’. She was going to stop by the pizzeria.

Since it was Thursday and the F1 weekend already started, after ending the phone call, Hanna turned on her laptop to check the photo gallery.

 _I’m stalking him_ , she thought, scrolling down the pictures. _I can check what he’s up to, but he has no clue about my adventures. He doesn’t know about the elegantly dressed guys from the Akademie… He doesn’t know about Marco and his herb-scented hands…_

Well, to be fair, she had no clue what he was doing privately either. She fidgeted in her seat, trying to think about something else.

A close-up of Sebastian’s face pushed the irritating visions away. His hair was slowly growing back. His skin was clean. He didn’t seem downcast even though since the last race his ratings in the paddock were at the all-time low.

Another photo of him.  _Ugh, those stupid sunglasses…_ He knew Hanna didn’t like them. Was he taking a dig at her again?

She felt annoyed but got over it once she saw Sebastian’s trousers. The legs were so long it was a miracle that he was able to walk without tripping.

 _Who’s going to hem them now?_   It used to be Hanna’s job (Sebastian had weird requirements when it came to trousers; usually the pairs with perfect length weren’t loose enough in the crotch.)

_Well… his mom could do._

_He looks so… youthful. So inexperienced. Surrounded by packs of highly competitive alpha-males. A rookie in the world of no second chances._

_What if he got there too early?_

Hanna recalled all the arguments that convinced Sebastian to join Toro Rosso. He wanted to gain experience. He wanted to learn. But after the amateurish crash that excluded him and Webber from the race in Japan, his new job was more about crisis management than learning.

 

*

 

Friday afternoon, once her college duties were over, Hanna checked the results of the free practice sessions and searched for new photos.

A few shots of the drivers in helmets. Sebastian had the prettiest eyes, nobody else was even close.

She found one more photo in which Sebastian and Massimo Rivola, one of his new ‘buddies’, were returning from a meeting with the FIA stewards. It must have been about the previous race, because from what Hanna had learned, Toro Rosso had filed a petition to investigate Lewis Hamilton’s erratic driving behind the SC which, in their view, forced Mark Webber’s heavy braking that led to Sebastian driving straight into him.

Sebastian’s new team was standing up for him. Hanna felt respect for them. They weren’t only the new buddies dominating his life, but also protectors.

She took a quick shower, put her favourite cardigan and a pair of jeans on and headed to the pizzeria.

 _Why am I so excited?_ She wondered self-critically.

It was about time she admitted to herself that she was interested in Marco. When she was dating Sebastian, she sometimes stumbled upon guys she felt physically attracted to, but even if she interacted with some of them, chatted or joked or just smiled, it was momentary, it didn’t mean anything. It wasn’t leading to anything.

She struggled to grasp the idea that she wasn’t restricted in her interactions with Marco.

The closer she was to the door, the faster her heart beat.

_Whatever happens, Marco needs to make the first step. I will never have enough courage to do it myself._

'Her' table was occupied. She had to move to the corner with a limited view of the kitchen. She could only see Marco’s sleeve and his butt and frankly…

That wasn’t Marco, but some other guy. Looked like the Italian had a day off.

 At least Hanna could evaluate the other guy’s skills and find out whether Marco was really such an amazing chef or there was something special about the food served in this place.

Waiting for her tortellini with spinach, she discreetly looked around. She was the only person sitting alone. _It doesn’t have to mean anything_ , she thought. _If I were dating Sebastian, I would eat alone as well. Being with Sebastian meant spending most Fridays alone. Between Friday and Saturday there was always a lot of work in the garage. And even more work between Saturday and Sunday…_

_Why the hell am I thinking about him again?_

She snatched the phone out of her pocket. No new messages. She still couldn’t get used to it. Writing to Sebastian used to be a consistent element of her everyday life. And reading his replies. And waiting for his calls. And Skyping with him.

 _If we’d still be dating, we’d probably be on Skype right now._ Sebastian would’ve been preparing to go to bed in his hotel room. Alone in the room… Hanna would’ve made sure he’d fall asleep with a blush on his cheeks…

Hanna reached for a glass of water and emptied it in two long gulps.

“The next round’s on me,” she heard.

Marco’s accent was easily recognizable. He was standing behind her chair. He wasn’t wearing any kitchen attire and didn’t smell of herbs but of sandalwood and something fresh like mandarin.

“Can I offer you some wine?”

“Only if you join me.”

“I’m already late for a birthday party… Next week? I’m free on Monday evening.”

“Same hour, same spot?”

“Same hour, but I’ll get us a better table.”

Hanna nodded. The waitress just delivered her tortellini.

“Let me buy you that glass of wine,” Marco insisted. “I know what will go well with this,” he pointed at her plate.

“Okay.”

Not only did he buy her a glass of wine but also asked her to take a sip in his presence.

“It’s delicious,” Hanna said, hoping he was able to look past her timidity because she genuinely loved it.

“I need to get going. Have a nice evening.”

“You too.”

“See you on Monday.”

“Monday… yes.”

On Monday… which meant that to avoid looking desperate, Hanna needed to keep herself from visiting the pizzeria on Saturday and Sunday.

 

*

 

Sunday morning Hanna settled on her bed with a bowl of cereal, ready (not really, she was never ready) to follow the Chinese GP. The moment she turned the TV on, her stomach twisted with anxiety. She sighed and put the food away.

The conditions on the circuit were better than the last race, but still demanding.

Sebastian had endured a lot of critique. Many people had stated that he was simply too young to drive a Formula 1 car. He had to prove them wrong.

 

*

 

Two hours later the cereal was gone even though Hanna couldn’t recall eating it. The race was nerve wrecking, but the result! Pride was lifting her like an invisible balloon.

Sebastian finished fourth, a record highest position for Toro Rosso. His teammate finished sixth collecting additional points.

The team from Faenza was in full celebration mode, the champagne bottles popping open. For such a small team it was an equivalent of a victory. And who made it happen? Sebastian! The young driver who just a few hours earlier was considered too young to drive in Formula 1.

And now he was taking a long, sticky champagne shower. He was being hugged and kissed. Loved and appreciated. The way he deserved.

Hanna couldn’t take her eyes off the boy’s overjoyed face.

The champagne dripping down his chin… his racing suit soaking wet… the underwear probably as well… the saltiness of his skin mixing with a cool, bubbly sweetness…

A picture of Sebastian’s naked body flashed in her mind. The sex was so good when he was in an amused state. When he was grinning and giggling and… doing everything to make Hanna laugh… finding ridiculous ways to kiss her and talking to her body parts… tickling her in a non-annoying way… until her face twisted with a grimace that despite being a visual opposite of a smile, was a sign of crazy happiness.

Hanna felt wetness growing between her legs, her pulse increasing with the stimulating visions.

God, she missed Sebastian’s touch so badly… She missed his tenderness. There was so much unresolved tension in her… he used to be the one to release it. Even if it wasn’t as frequent as they would’ve wanted, it was always worth the wait. And now… there was nothing to bring her relief. Well… apart from her own hand.

Hanna left the TV on and went back to her bed, her skin prickling with arousal.

 _Such a good decision to stay here_ , she though. She could relax and take as much time as she desired.

But despite the fact that the risk of anyone barging in on her or overhearing her was non-existent, she felt a pinch of uncertainty.

_I’m not with Sebastian anymore. Maybe I should think of someone else…_

She imagined Marco’s fingers sliding up her inner thigh…

_Nope. I don’t know him well enough._

Hanna cringed.

 _Isn’t it pathetic_ , she wondered. Sebastian just proved that he was able to withstand an enormous pressure. He didn’t buckle, despite the embarrassment. People’s judgement bared heavy on his shoulders, but he pushed back with even more strength.  _The deeper the fall, the higher he'll rise._

If only he cared about her enough to do the same for their relationship. If only he had the same attitude toward the obstacles between them.

It was weird, but Hanna’s frustration increased her arousal. A while later she climaxed, her thoughts clinging to Sebastian almost against her will. Almost…

A few minutes later she was lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling. Her body was relaxed and satisfied. But her heart was full of confusion.

 

*

 

_I don’t want to let go of him. It would be easy to say that it’s because I love him… I do love him, but that’s not the point. I don’t want to let go of him because I’m a coward._

_I’m afraid to move on. I’m not sure if I’m liking what’s ahead. It feels like I’m in London again. Single but not free._

_My head is full of him. My heart is full of him. My dreams, my fantasies…_

_He makes me mad._

 

*

 

The next morning Hanna looked at herself in the mirror. After the crying attack she had had in the middle of the night, her eyelids were puffy. She pressed a wet towel to the swollen skin, hoping the puffiness would go away before anyone notices.

Staying home for the weekend was a bad idea. She would’ve been better off with her family around. Instead, she spent three days moping around and feeling bad for herself. She thought that the first days after the breakup were the worst, but it turned out she was wrong.

The worst was now. She needed to do something about it, but every possible action felt wrong. Every scenario was tragic.

When she was brushing her hair, she remembered about Marco and their date. Was it a date?

 _That’s it. The way out_ , she realized. Finally, there was something she was looking forward to.

 

*

 

Marco had said he would get them a better table. But it wasn’t a table in some private room, but one of those in the pizzeria that were always occupied, probably because it was the farthest from the kitchen, well sheltered from the noise.

“You pick something and I’ll prepare it for you,” he said.

It didn’t look like a date. He wouldn’t have taken her to his workplace if it were a date.

“But first, let me show you my kitchen.”

“I hope your boss won’t mind…”

Marco grinned. “I’m the boss.”

“You mean… literally?”

“Literally. I own the place.”

Hanna found a safe spot to stand and watched the Italian prepare a pizza. Marco wasn’t too chatty during work, but he shared a few tips with her.

It didn’t look like a date because even though they spent almost three hours chatting, Marco was not suggesting or insinuating any romantic motives. And he didn’t ask any intimate questions. He was simply… nice and friendly. Similar to a married male friend you can be comfortable around because you know he’s not nurturing any “hopes”.

It was a nice chat. Exactly what Hanna needed. She wasn’t ready for flirting or suggestive jokes, or holding hands or wondering if she should kiss him after saying goodbye.

They were speaking in English, because Marco’s German wasn’t too good. He was convinced that Hanna was British. She told him about her parents, her mom’s language school even about her aunt’s hotel in London. She didn’t mention Sebastian once, which wasn’t that hard – after all, she was used to keep their relationship secret.

Marco told her about his family. He was from Milan. To Hanna Milan was like Mecca; it combined two things she loved: Italy and fashion. She told him immediately about the fashion show she once saw.

Marco’s sister had tried her hand in clothing industry but she switched to jewellery.

“Ceramic jewellery is her thing. Nothing too extravagant. She set up a small manufactory in her basement, a few employees. The online shop is doing great. I’m very proud of her.”

“Your business seem to be doing great as well.”

 

*

 

Could she call him a friend?

Now she was spending even more time in the pizzeria. She was taking her laptop with her and studied in the pizzeria. She was reading books in the pizzeria. And Marco was serving her cappuccino or hot chocolate (the autumn was getting colder).

No surprise that she gained weight. When she confessed it to the Italian, he didn’t check her out as some guys would probably do.

“If you’re worried about it,” he said, “You should join me tomorrow morning. A half an hour of jogging is a good start of the day.”

So they went jogging together. Marco, unlike Sebastian, wasn’t talking while running. Hanna’s fitness was still superb, so it was possible that the Italian was quiet because he needed all his energy to keep up with her.

Marco didn’t have a lot of free time, but even when he was working, Hanna liked being able to sit a few steps away with her laptop. It felt as if they were spending time together, even though each of them was busy with their own stuff.

 

*

 

It took a lot of perseverance but she managed to keep herself from seeking Sebastian’s photos from the Brazilian GP. She wasn’t going to watch the final race of the season either. Instead, she went to the cinema with a few girls from her year.

She was so proud of herself. Instead of sweating with nerves, she could indulge in gossip and chit chat about fashion, studies and men in general.

She would’ve considered the evening a success, if it weren’t for a short visit at a club across the street from the cinema. Firstly, she drank too much (too quickly), secondly, her friends were in a flirty mood. They spotted a bunch of guys in their taste, but before ‘the hunt’ began, one of the girls remembered that she had a boyfriend.

“I have a boyfriend too,” Hanna lied. “And actually… I should be going.”

She walked home on foot, doing her best to move like a sober person. She got lost and walked in circles before she recognized a café she had visited once.

Shaking with cold, she entered her tiny flat. At least she sobered up.

She took a hot shower, dark clouds gathering in her mind. Or rather smokescreens, surrounding her from every side, hiding sneaky ‘revelations’ ready to jump on her without warning.

_Sebastian…_

_No, I’m not going to look for any photos._

She went to bed, but couldn’t sleep. After three hours of trying, she got up and, cursing under her breath, reached for her laptop.

_I’ll only check if he’s okay. You never know with this sport…_

Looked like Kimi, Sebastian’s idol, was the new Formula 1 world champion.

Hanna started scrolling down a pre-race picture gallery.

_There he is…_

Sebastian fixing his balaclava, his eyes closed, two magnificent fans of long eyelashes on display. And his plump lips… Covered in blisters.  _Ouch._ _The HSV1 says hello._

It wasn’t a tempting view.

Hanna immediately recalled the New Year’s Eve when Sebastian had welcomed her wearing a mask on his face. He didn’t want her to see the disgusting blisters on his lips. But she could handle it. And she proved it when she lightly kissed him goodbye. He was so surprised!

The same night… she was suffering from period cramps. Many times after that he used to put a hand on her belly when she had her period. And just… kept it lying there. A warm loving hand…

When they first started dating, he used to go out of his way to make her happy. And she loved him for it.

_He got bored with me._

Hanna clicked on a link to the newest photos.

Red Bull End of Season Party. Blonde models in tight tops (with fake looking boobs). Exotic dancers wearing weird lingerie.

Hanna stopped breathing.

Sebastian in a black turtleneck (Hanna wasn’t sure what he wanted to achieve with that outfit, it was giving him a very innocent vibe. As of a virgin). He looked like he wondered over to the party by mistake. (To be frank, people his age weren’t allowed into nightclubs.)

Some girl next to him… An Asian beauty… _Who is she? Is she his date?_ No… her name was Ako Nozumi and she was also a racer.

_Well… she would be a perfect girlfriend, wouldn’t she?_

People holding drinks. People dancing. People sweating.

_I wonder how much he had to drink… I wonder if he was dancing with somebody…_

_Or maybe he lied that he had a girlfriend just to have an excuse to leave._

 

*

 

She woke up with a stuffed nose and sore throat. She was in no condition to go to the Akademie.

“You have a fever?” Marco asked when she called to cancel her dinner at the pizzeria.

“I don’t know. I have nothing to measure it.”

“I’ll send someone to your place right away. I’m working until we’re closed, but I can stop by tomorrow morning.”

Hanna took a second to think. _The sooner he sees me at my worst, the better._

“Okay."

Ten minutes later she received a pizza delivery with a thermometer attached to the box.

The next morning Marco brought her freshly made sandwiches. And made no comments about her dishevelled hair or her red nose.

“Please, don’t take it the wrong way, but I don’t feel like talking…” Hanna said, accepting the food.

“No problem. Get well soon,” he said before turning to the door.

“No, no! I didn’t mean I want you to leave. I just don’t want to talk because my throat is giving me hell. Can we watch TV or something?”

“Yes, we can,” he smiled. “By the way, I want to see you eat, 'Anna'. Sick people need to be cheered on in their eating efforts…”

Hanna snatched a sandwich out of the paper bag. “I like your food. Even when I’m sick,” she said, feeling warmth spreading inside her body.

Someone was carrying about her again.

 

 

*

 

 

_A week later_

"Since I’m finally well, I want to pay you back.” Pressing the phone to her ear, Hanna looked out the window. The lights in the pizzeria were already on, even though it was only seven in the morning.

“Repay for what? You don’t owe me anything.”

“What about the checks for all those delicious meals you sent me over the last week?”

“They got lost somewhere…”

“Listen, I’m serious. I need to… talk to you. Do you know any nice cafés in the town? I’d like to have a chat somewhere more private. Not in your pizzeria. You can’t stop thinking about work when you’re there.”

“Actually… I too have something to talk to you about.”

Hanna’s heart skipped a bit when she heard a change in Marco’s voice.  _It’s happening. We’re making a step forward._

“Maybe we should prepare something to eat together?”

“I said not in the pizzeria, Marco.”

“Actually, I was thinking… about my flat.”

It got silent. Hanna needed to say something, but processing her feelings was taking too much time.

_Yes, I want it. I trust him._

“Sounds good. But I have a feeling that my cooking skills will only slow you down…”

“It’ll be fun. You’ll see.”

 

*

 

_The next evening_

It was a light meal. Suitable for occasion. Because the mutual friendliness they got so used to seemed a bit stretched.

Hanna could guess the reason why. If their intentions and desires were in sync, the friendship could turn into something more meaningful. But Hanna couldn’t be sure that Marco wanted to talk about romantic feelings. It was possible that she misread his intentions.

He was giving an impression as if he was worrying about the same thing.

“So… what did you want to talk about?” Hanna asked, once they settled behind the table in Marco’s dining room.

“Let’s eat something first.” The Italian opened a bottle of wine and poured small portions into two round glasses. He knew  that Hanna liked drinking alcohol in tiny sips.

“Maybe you’re right…” she agreed.

It was already dark outside, but Marco’s flat was well lighted. The blinds were still open; the neighbours had a good view of what was going on in the room.

“I just realized that judging by my friends I should be studying food instead of fashion,” Hanna said. “Have I told you about Ralf and Mathilda? Ralf’s studying Nutritional Management and Dietetics in Stuttgart. I’m sure you would like him. His sister too. She’s very… straightforward.”

“I would love to meet them. You should invite them to Nagold. I could make a special pizza.”

“Couldn’t you just sit on your butt and chat with us instead of working?”

“But I like cooking.”

“I know… And you’re very good at it. Ralf would be pleased to meet you…” Hanna imagined Ralf and Mathilda admiring Marco’s skills… Only after a moment she remembered that Mathilda still had no clue about her and Sebastian. Even if Hanna would’ve introduced the Italian as a friend, Mathilda could have a hard time accepting him if she knew that Hanna was single. _She would learn to like him eventually. He is likeable._

“Something’s wrong?”

Hanna felt Marco’s studying gaze on her face. “All good.”

“I’m sorry for being so secretive. The last thing I want is to make you anxious…”

Hanna shook her head. “Don’t worry. I totally get it. Sometimes you need to wait for the right moment.”

Marco narrowed his eyes. “Maybe you should tell me what's on _your_ mind?”

“Let’s finish the meal first.”

Marco smiled before turning his attention to his plate.

They ate in silence for a while.

“I would prefer if you said your ‘thing’ first,” Hanna said.

Marco nodded. “I agree… even though…” He frowned, seeking her gaze, but she looked down almost immediately. “You know what? I better say it…” He wiped his hands over a tissue, rolled it into a ball and dropped onto his plate.

Hanna put the fork down, her pulse accelerating.

“First I want to make a confession… I really like spending time with you.”

 Hanna rested her cold (nerves!) hand next to her plate. She needed Marco to grasp it and to make it warm again.

“You’re truly a remarkable-“ He got interrupted by a phone ringing.

“I’m so sorry…” Hanna darted from her seat. “Let me just turn it off.’

_No need to panic._

At least Marco had a chance to think of what to say next.

Hanna fished her phone out of the pocked of her coat, took a look at the screen and… froze.

It was Sebastian. Sebastian was calling her. After almost three months of dead silence.

_What should I do?_

_Reject the call or take it, it’s easy. Reject or take!_

She couldn’t move. Even though her perception of time was twisted and every note of her ring tone was buzzing in her ears separately, she just couldn’t make a decision.

_Sebastian…_

_Why now?_

The Italian fidgeted in his chair. “You should take it. We’re not in a hurry.”

The phone stopped ringing.

Hanna swallowed, her throat tightening as if she were about to vomit.

The phone stuck to her palm – or rather froze to it.

“Are you okay?” Marco lifted himself up.

_No, I won’t faint. The pain is keeping me awake._

The Italian approached her, frowning. “Come, let’s sit down…” he extended his hand. A big, warm hand…

Hanna felt tears coming to her eyes. “I’m so sorry, but I need to call someone back.”

“No problem. I’ll wait in the kitchen.”

He was so sweet. He had no idea.

Hanna went back to the table, sat down and chose Sebastian’s number, her fingers shaking. She pressed the phone to her ear.

He answered after a single beep. “Hi, are you home?” He sounded shaken up.

“Ehm… no.”

“But you’re not driving?”

“No, I’m sitting at a table.”

“Okay… I just got a call from Ralf.”

“And?” She had a bad feeling. A very bad feeling.

“It’s about Mathilda.” A short silence. Just to give her time to brace herself before the blow. “She’s dying with cancer.”


	35. I can see the future

“Forgive me for abandoning you so suddenly.” Hanna shoved the phone in her pocket.

“I would have to be a monster to hold it against you,” the Italian said, his eyes following her as she rushed to the door.

“Keep the rest of the wine for when I’m back in Nagold.” She threw on her coat. “I’m glad I only took two sips.”

“I don’t think you should drive anyway. You’re clearly shaken.”

“I’ll be alright.”

“Let me drive you to… wherever you’re going. You could use some support.”

“I won’t be alone. And it’s only two-hour drive.” Hanna grabbed her bag and turned to Marco. He looked worried. He was frowning as if trying to come up with a good reason to make her change her mind.

 _I can’t accept his help_ , Hanna thought. _My debt to him is already big enough._

But his face… No other man, beside Sebastian and maybe Ralf, has ever looked at her with such pure concern.

“I need to get going. Thank you for everything.” She approached the Italian. _I want to kiss him_ , she realized when she was right in front of him. But she didn’t make her intentions clear enough and he turned his head. The kiss landed on his cheek.

“Take care,” he said.

“I will.”

A taxi took her to her place where she changed her clothes. After putting on a pair of jeans and a warm sweater, she grabbed her bag and car keys and she was out again.

_Why Ralf couldn’t call sooner? Was there any attempt to treat Mathilda’s cancer? What if I don’t make it in time? She’s dying. She’s going to die. If not tonight, it’ll be soon. What should I do? What should I say to her? What should I say to Ralf?_

Marco was right – Hanna was shaken. Once she left Nagold it started to rain and the visibility got bad, forcing her to slow down.

When she was waiting for the green light, she grabbed her phone and chose Sebastian’s number.

“Can you talk?” she asked, turning the speaker on and placing the phone on the passenger seat.

“Yes.” Judging by the sounds in the background, Sebastian was driving as well. “When do you leave?”

“I’m already on my way.”

“Both hands on the steering wheel?”

“Of course…” _You idiot_ , she thought all too aware that they were too distant to use offensive words as terms of endearment. “I need to focus on the road, but my own thoughts keep distracting me.”

“I’m struggling to keep a cool head too. Ralf wasn’t in a talkative mood. I get it… It must be hard to talk about something like this. And from what I’ve learned, the entire family is on his shoulders now because their mom is depressed.”

“Jesus Christ… They must’ve been as shocked as we are now.”

“Ralf lives in Stuttgart so he was seeing Mathilda only once a few weeks. He didn’t notice anything. You know Mathilda, she’s always busy. Even if she was in pain, she never mentioned it. But one day she caught a stomach bug-“

“I remember,” Hanna cut in. “It was the weekend before I moved to Nagold. I called her, but our conversation was short, because she didn’t feel well.”

“She was dizzy and vomiting. But it wasn’t stomach related. The doctors suspected an ear infection so they CAT scanned her head and discovered three tumours in her brain. Glioblastoma multi-something… Multiforme. Impossible to remove, for some reason.”

“Maybe the tumours are too big? You can’t just remove brain fragments…”

“Some bits are unremovable, I guess. I don’t know.”

“But… is it normal for tumours to grow so quickly?”

“Even if she would’ve been diagnosed sooner, it wouldn’t have changed much. This type of cancer is untreatable.”

“Shit… I’m going to cry…”

“You can’t. Focus on the road. Maybe… maybe we shouldn’t talk about it.”

“But I can’t think about anything else!”

“Ralf said that she’s sleeping most of the time,” Sebastian continued. “She’s not in pain and she doesn’t have much opportunity to worry because she’s only awake for a short periods of time. The nurses are doing their best to keep her comfortable. I’m worried about Ralf more… I don’t even know what to say to him.”

“So… how much time does she have left? A day?”

“It could be two days, but it could also be only hours… If we won’t make it, we can at least be close in case Ralf needs us.”

“You’re right. Mathilda’s probably semiconscious. She might not recognize us at all.” Hanna held on to Sebastian’s words. He knew what to say to comfort her. He was probably trying to comfort himself as well.

“By the way…” he added after a moment of silence. “I’m not sure if you’re aware, but Mathilda still doesn’t know about our… argument. I think we shouldn’t let her know. It would only ruin her last moments.”

“We’re going to lie to our dying friend…” Hanna shook her head in disbelief.

“I’m not proud of it, but I think it’s the right thing to do.”

“I hate everything about it,” Hanna added. “But I hate the alternative even more.”

 

*

 

Hanna spent twenty minutes driving around Darmstadt and looking for the right hospital. Once she found it, it turned out that she had already driven past the parking so she needed to drive around the entire complex once again.

Luckily, there were many empty parking places. Visiting hours were already over, but Sebastian insisted that they can still go inside.

She locked her car and headed to the entrance. Her right hand clutched on the umbrella handle got stiff from cold after only a couple of steps. Hanna picked up the pace, her eyes scanning the area left and right. Sebastian’s car was not there yet.

_I wish he was already here…_

She’d rather wait at Sebastian before entering the hospital. Even though he didn’t have more experience in coping with similar situations.

Hanna entered the building and closed her umbrella. Silence reigned inside as if she found herself in a dream. There was nobody in sight to ask for directions. Hanna felt like an intruder. She was too loud, too ostentatious, too alive…

She sat on the edge of a bench, clenching the wet umbrella in her hand.

“I’m downstairs. Can you come and get me?” she wrote to Ralf.

The temperature in the building was higher than outside, but Hanna was still cold.

_Maybe Ralf’s not here? Maybe it’s too late? Maybe he turned his phone off?_

At the sound of footsteps she turned her head. She recognized her friend from afar even though he was only a shadow of the Ralf she had seen a little less than two months ago.

He stopped once she got up from the bench and headed in his direction. As if he didn’t want to get farther away from Mathilda’s bed than it was necessary.

“I’m so sorry,” Hanna said. Nothing else came to mind. Maybe these were the only correct words?

Ralf nodded and accepted a strong but short hug.

“I wanted to call sooner…” he said, leading Hanna to the stairs at the end of the corridor. “Mathilda…” his voice broke. He cleared his throat and continued, “She insisted on keeping it from you as long as possible because… well, because she’s Mathilda. Since she found out, she keeps worrying about mom and me more than about herself.”

Hanna studied her friend. She wanted to say something but in her head everything sounded like a cliché. Words seemed weightless, inadequate to express the load of her grief.

“It’s tough…” Ralf said.

“I don’t even know what to say,” Hanna confessed. “I should probably think of something before I talk to Mathilda. I don’t want her to worry about me too.”

“I’m not sure if we’ll manage to wake her up.”

“Maybe we should wait for Sebastian before we try?”

“My mom’s sitting at the bed for almost twenty hours. If you would take her place, maybe I could convince her to leave and eat something warm.”

“Let’s try that,” Hanna nodded, strengthened by the idea of being helpful.

 

*

 

Mathilda was sleeping. She looked so fragile Hanna was afraid to touch her.

Ralf said that Hanna needed to keep shaking his sister’s hand until she’s awake. He managed to get his mom out of the hospital. Hanna assured him that she’s fine staying alone with Mathilda but now she was standing by the bed, frozen and scared to breathe.

_It can’t be true. It must be a nightmare. I want to wake up…_

_I want Sebastian to be here with me._

Hanna sat down on a chair next to the bed, reminding herself that she doesn’t need to be quiet. Just the opposite, she needed to make some noise if she wanted Mathilda to wake up. But there was something in the air… Something threatening and crude, ready to pounce the second she utters a word.

Hanna reached out and touched Mathilda’s fingers. The girl’s skin felt nicely warm to the touch but it was just an illusion because Hanna’s fingers were cold as ice.

Mathilda didn’t react, so Hanna gently squeezed her hand. “Mathilda?” Her own voice sounded foreign to her ears. “Mathilda, wake up…” she said a bit louder.

No reaction. Hanna took her hand away and sighed.

_Maybe Sebastian will be more successful…_

She spent a few minutes studying the sleeping girl’s face and trying to convince herself that Mathilda wasn’t afraid and – most importantly – wasn’t in pain.

Her phone started beeping, loud and alarming as if a truck was reversing in her brain. She quickly fished it out from the pocket. It was a message from Marco. “Are you okay?”

“Already at the hospital. Thanks.”

“Good. I can go to bed now. Be strong.”

“Thank you. Have a good night.” Smiling, Hanna was about to put the phone on a small table by the bed, when she felt Mathilda’s gaze.

“Was that Sebastian?” the girl asked, her voice as feeble as her body.

Hanna hesitated. “He’ll be here soon.”

Mathilda smiled. “Good. Haven’t seen him in a while.”

A lump formed in Hanna’s throat. _Pull yourself together. Don’t cry. Be strong!_

“How long have you been sitting here?” Mathilda asked.

“Not long. Five minutes?”

“I sleep like a log. And I dream a lot of nice dreams.”

“Sounds good.” Hanna attempted a smile. “Will you share some details?”

“I don’t know if I should… I think I can see the future. Not mine, obviously, but… Ralf’s and yours and Sebastian’s. Maybe it’s just my visions… I always wanted us to live in the same neighbourhood. Maybe in Walchwill. Switzerland is so beautiful. But not in an apartment building. Sebastian’s going to be very rich in the future… So you’ll have a big house. A castle… maybe. Ralf too. Ralf’s a culinary genius.”

Hanna was positively surprised that Mathilda had so much to say.

“I just don’t know what do to with Howard… Ralf said that I shouldn’t worry about him, but… he’s my dog.”

“Your mom will take care of him.”

“I’m not so sure about that… He’s a young dog, he needs a lot of attention.”

“I would love to adopt him, but I can’t keep a dog in my place in Nagold.”

“I need to ask Sebastian, maybe his parents would be willing to take him? Fabian could take care of him.”

„We’ll find him a good home. He’s a good dog thanks to you. He won’t cause any trouble.”

“Well… he has bad days and he’s hungry all the time. Mom’s going to overfeed him. Same as she overfed Ralf when he was little… I’m glad he lost weight recently. But someone needs to keep an eye on him and motivate him to eat healthy. He’s in shock for now, but-“ Mathilda trailed off, her gaze flitting to the door. A joyful smile lit up her face.

Hanna turned her head; Sebastian appeared at the door. He was wearing blue jeans, a light blue sweatshirt and a grey jacket that looked like borrowed from an older brother. His hair was damp.

 _Does he even own an umbrella?_ Hanna wondered.

“The prince has arrived,” Mathilda laughed.

Sebastian approached the bed, his face tense.

 _We need to act like we’re still together_ , Hanna remembered.

“Hi,” he leaned to her.

She inhaled the scent of his skin, his deodorant and his wet hair… “Hi.” She tilted her chin up.

It was supposed to be just a brush, but their lips met and parted with a juicy smack. Hanna shivered, glad she had long sleeves and nobody could see her goose bumps.

 _Breathe… But not too deeply!_ The air was filled with Sebastian’s scent. With the scent of something that didn’t belong to her.

Hanna shifted her chair to make room for the new visitor.

Sebastian stepped closer to the bed and bent to kiss Mathilda’s head. “Good to see you… but I wish the circumstances were different.” He grasped Mathilda’s hand and moved his thumb over her skin. Affection was so natural to him; it was his normal way to communicate with people he cared about.

Hanna studied his hand… He was biting his nails again. His skin was tanned.

“Wait a sec, I’ll just take my jacket off.”

_Oh no…_

When he grabbed a chair for himself and put it next to Hanna’s, his scent in the air intensified.

“We were just talking about Howard,” Mathilda said.

Sebastian grasped her hand again. Hanna noticed a twinkle in Mathilda’s eyes. That touch was pleasant. She needed it. And she got it without asking.

“Howard the dog?”

“Yes.”

“How’s he doing?”

“I’m looking for a new home for him. My mom never wanted a dog. She only agreed to keep him because I promised to take care of him.”

“I’m sure she got attached to him by now.”

“He’ll remind her of me…” Mathilda’s voice trembled.

“Exactly,” Hanna agreed.

Mathilda shook her head. “That’s the problem. He’ll be missing me and mom will have to look at it…”

“We’ll help your mom and your brother as much as we can. I promise,” Sebastian said in a solemn voice.

Mathilda’s face puckered. “I won’t cry, I’ll be okay…” she whispered; it seemed as if she was talking to herself. “Ralf’s so strong, but… he’ll need time to recover. I just don’t want him to start overeating. And he always does when he’s unhappy… I want him to be healthy and confident. He was doing so well… Have you seen him? He looks good. Maybe he’ll meet a nice girl. Soon. I want it so badly…”

“We’ll take care of him. He can stay with me in Walchwill,” Sebastian suggested. “I’ll have more free time now, since the season’s over. So I will keep an eye on him. You have my word.”

Mathilda sniffled. “Thank you. That’s all I wanted to hear.”

Hanna attempted to discreetly wipe a tear off her cheek.

“Sorry for making your cry,” Mathilda said.

“I’m not crying. I’m just very sad.” And as it often happens, the second she said that she wasn’t crying, her eyes brimmed with tears.

“I have a hand for you too,” Sebastian rested his left hand on her knee, palm up, waiting for her to grab it.

“I need a tissue…”

”There’s a box on the table behind you,” Mathilda said. “Unless mom emptied it.”

Hanna could feel Sebastian’s concerned stare on her face. She needed to blow her nose and wipe her hands before touching him.

“You know what really sucks?” Mathilda continued. “The fact that I won’t be able to tell you that I’m fine. Once I’m gone. I wish I could communicate it somehow so you could stop worry. Right away.”

“You’ll find a way. We’ll be looking out for… sings,” Sebastian said.

“I’ll ask God for stuff for you and Ralf.”

Hanna didn’t manage to stifle a sob. “I’m sorry…” _Jesus Christ, stop making it worse!_ “I need a moment…” she added, getting up.

“No, don’t go. It’s okay. Crying is normal,” Mathilda assured her.

Hanna felt Sebastian’s hand on her back. His fingers moved, sending warm shivers down her spine. He had a touch of a healer. She’d always known that.

“If dog heaven really exists, I hope I’ll get access,” Mathilda relaxed and looked at the ceiling. “What was the name of your old dog, Sebastian? That Dalmatian you loved so much?”

“Floyd.”

“I’ll look for him. Maybe he’ll tell me what you were doing as a kid when nobody was watching,” Mathilda giggled. Her tears were gone; Hanna admired her perseverance. “I have a feeling that there’s something really interesting on the other side…”

Sebastian turned to Hanna and lifted his eyebrows. He was asking if she was okay. Looking into his eyes was a strange experience. There was no one in the universe that Hanna would know as deeply as she knew Sebastian, but there was something new in him… an uncharted territory and the fact that she couldn’t explore it was infuriating.

“I’m glad I don’t have a boyfriend.” Mathilda’s words drew Hanna’s attention. “It would suck to leave him behind. On the other hand… I don't have many regrets, but I do regret that I never kissed a boy…”

Hanna’s gaze moved to Sebastian’s lips. She knew what was going through his mind. She was reading his thoughts again.

“Close your eyes,” he said, getting up from the chair.

Mathilda looked at him, frowning. Hanna could see the change in Mathilda’s breathing.

_If love could heal…_

Mathilda closed her eyes, her eyelids quivering. Sebastian leaned down and pressed his lips to hers. He leaned away a bit, parted his lips and kissed her again. It was a real kiss, delicate but too tender to call it friendly.

Finally, Sebastian straightened up. Two rosy stains appeared on Mathilda’s cheeks. She shyly averted her gaze.

 _I know the feeling_ , Hanna thought.

“I haven’t felt this nice in a long time…” Mathilda whispered, blushing even more.

A warm smile appeared on Sebastian’s face.

Hanna couldn’t take her eyes off him, a storm of emotions raging in her heart.

_I fucking love him. Because… I can’t un-love him._

“Would you mind if I take a nap? I feel a bit tired…” Mathilda said.

“Sleep. We’ll stay here a bit longer and then we’ll look for your brother.”

“Good. Tell him that we had a nice chat.”

Sebastian kissed Mathilda on the forehead again. "Sweet dreams."

She smiled without opening her eyes. “You bet.”

Sebastian settled back in his chair. A deep frown appeared on his forehead as he was studying the sleeping girl. Hanna remembered what he had said over the phone: at some point waking Mathilda up will become impossible.

Was that the last conversation they would ever have with her? Maybe Mathilda’s last conversation at all?

_I haven’t felt this nice in a long time…_

Hanna tried to swallow down the lump in her throat. She managed to put a dam to her emotions but it was getting stressed to the point of breaking. The last thing she wanted was to interrupt Mathilda’s dreams with her miserable sobbing.

“I need some air…” She got up and slipped out of the silent room into the empty corridor. Wrapping her arms around her she approached a window, just to see a reflection of Sebastian following her.

“Hanna?”

She felt his hand on her shoulder. Her body reacted instinctively. She turned and slipped into his arms.

“You’re shaking.”

“I’m cold…”

His embrace tightened.

Hanna closed her eyes and burst into tears. She cried and cried, and cried while he held her tight.

“We’ll get through this,” he was whispering. “You’ll see. Everything's going to be fine. I promise.”

Hanna knew that his promises were just wishful thinking, but they soothed her anyway. They calmed the storm, gave her strength and put her back together.

“Take as much time as you need.”

Hanna sniffled. The fabric on Sebastian’s shoulder was damp with her tears, but she was finally warm. Even though she was exhausted and sleepy and unable to think clearly, she felt calmness washing over her. “I’m glad you’re here.”

“I would have never had the courage to enter that room without you,” he said.

“What are you talking about?” Hanna leaned away to look at Sebastian’s face. And she regretted it straight away. His eyes were wet too, a huge tear slowly sliding down the plump curve of his bottom lip… “You were amazing. She fell asleep with a smile on her face.  Meanwhile all I could do was to weep like a child.”

Sebastian’s eyes scanned her face, her lips, her nose, her eyes and forehead. “I forgot how beautiful you are…”

Hanna frowned and took a step back. “This isn’t the best moment…”

Sebastian reached out his hand to her as if trying to keep her close. “What if this is the only moment we’ll ever have?”

Hanna glanced at the door to Mathilda’s hospital room. She heard footsteps coming from the stairs. A while later Ralf appeared.

Sebastian cleared his throat. “Hey, man…” He went forward and greeted his best friend with a strong hug. “I kissed your sister and now she’s asleep. You need anything?”

Ralf gaped at him confusedly, a few seconds later he shook his head. “Sorry… it’s so late I can’t think straight. Thanks for coming over so quickly. I managed to put my mom to bed. Maybe she’ll finally get a few hours of sleep. There’s a small hotel across the street, if you’d like to… stay.”

Sebastian nodded. “Sure… I’m worn out.”

Hanna felt Ralf’s gaze on her face. “I think I’ll drive to Heppenheim. I have no sleeping clothes with me…”

“I can lend you a shirt,” Sebastian offered.

“Thanks, but… I’d prefer to stay at my parents’. I’ll be back tomorrow afternoon,” Hanna decided. “I only need to get my bag; I left it by the bed.”

Hanna got into Mathilda’s room and closed the door. She went straight to the chair and bent to pick up the bag and the umbrella. She glanced at Sebastian’s oversized jacket hanging on the coat stand.

How easy it would be to get a room… together… and take a hot shower… and put his shirt on… and to lay in bed next to him… and forget all the bad things that happened…

She wanted it. But at the same time, she knew that it wouldn’t have solved their problems. First they needed to draw some conclusions. First they needed to admit that something had gone wrong; they needed to identify and acknowledge their mistakes. It was the only way to make sure that something similar wouldn’t happen again.

Hanna’s eyes shifted to Mathilda. The girl still had a delicate smile on her face.

 _Sleep, my brave friend… The dogs in heaven will be double-blessed to have you_ , Hanna thought. She took a deep breath and headed out.

Sebastian and Ralf were leaning against the windowsill. They were having a quiet conversation, their sides touching. Hanna knew it wasn’t by mistake. It was Sebastian’s natural disposition to comfort people in action. Ralf could lean against him, he could feel Sebastian’s presence and readiness to share his burden.

“I’ll be going now.” Hanna approached them and opened her arms to give Ralf a hug. ”Hang in there.” She turned to Sebastian next. “Make sure he’ll get enough sleep, okay?”

Sebastian nodded, still leaning against the windowsill.

 _You don’t seem to care that much after all…_ Hanna thought. Marco had expressed more concern when she was leaving Nagold.

“I’ll be going.” _You already said that._

Hanna headed down the corridor. Aware that Ralf and Sebastian were staring after her, she tried to walk as straight and possible, but her feet didn’t comply. She was very tired. Unfit to drive.

_I need coffee._

For a second she was sure she got lost (nice start!), but as she followed the signs on the walls she eventually found a way out.

The temperature dropped, but at least it wasn’t raining anymore.

As she walked past Sebastian’s BMW, Hanna’s stomach tightened. She recalled the last time she had seen this car… That awful moment when she got out of it and Sebastian didn’t follow… He just drove away.

Hanna quickened her pace, wishing she was already home. As she walked, she put a hand in her bag, searching for the keys.

“Hanna! Wait!”

She looked over her shoulder and saw Sebastian running toward her.


	36. The notebook

She wanted it didn’t she? She wanted him to run after her. Then why was she feeling so bad?

“I don’t want to bother you, but…” Sebastian started talking while still running. “You look tired. Can we at least grab a coffee before you leave?”

“I want to be home and get some sleep as soon as possible, Sebastian.” It had to be the exhaustion that made her sound so emotionless.

Sebastian stopped short in front of her. Startled by his sudden closeness, Hanna dropped the umbrella. He picked it up and held onto it. “I understand why you don’t want to talk to me. I made no effort to contact you for two months and now, suddenly, I started to care, right? But it’s not what it looks like.” He fished something out of his pocket; it was a small notebook. “Please, read it after you get some rest.”

Hanna grabbed the notebook. “Can I have my umbrella?”

“Yes, of course." He looked like he just realized that he was holding it. "Are you sure you’re fit to drive?”

“The longer we’re standing here, the more tired I get, so please, let me go.”

He lifted his hands. “Fine, just… drive carefully.”

Hanna finally fished the keys out of her bag. She unlocked the car, tossed her things on the passenger seat and got inside. After closing the door, she put the key in and turned the heating on. When she glanced out the widow, she could see Sebastian dragging his heels to the BMW.

Hanna turned the light on and studied the notebook, the stains on its back and its ragged edges.

_I hope it’s not poetry…_

She took a peek inside.

> “Hanna, Hanna, Hanna, Hanna, Hanna…”

Her name was repeated all over the first page. The first twelve words were written in a neat handwriting, the rest a little less so.

Hanna turned the page. The next one was filled with her name as well.

> “Hanna, Hanna, Hanna…”

And the next one and the one after that. It was evident that Sebastian was changing pens which meant that he was probably writing her name down in different places, sometimes in a hurry, sometimes with bold letters, deep as if he was trying to carve the letters in paper. There were coffee stains and grease stains on some pages.

Hanna turned another page. The next one looked different. There was a date on top.

> "6 September, Monza."

Hanna frowned. Monza was in September, right after they broke up and Sebastian had already managed to produce twenty pages of Hannas!

> “I’m thinking about you all the time. Too stressed to call atm. I want to be better, I want to be the man you deserve, but I haven’t figured out how to do it yet. Got a haircut to shorten my morning routine but I’m still late for everything, can’t keep up with my schedule, can’t organize myself without you.
> 
> Today I gave an interview to a girl who reminded me of you. Just a bit. Her eyes weren’t as unique as yours. And she seemed too loud, too straightforward. I said in an interview that I like wild girls, but… I think my definition of wildness is quite specific. I don’t like insatiable, unpredictable girls. I don’t like girls who are adrenalin junkies. Maybe that’s why I love YOU so much. Because your wildness is… under your control. You were my tower of strength, my calm anchor in times of trouble. And when I was inside, I was safe. I could surrender to my wildest desires without any risk of harming myself or you. I want it back. I need it. Shit, what am I writing… What if someone finds it-”

The entry ended as unexpectedly as if begun. A few pages of Hannas followed.

Hanna slowly leafed through the notebook, trying not to miss a note. Sebastian’s thoughts turned out completely different than she imagined.

_Yes, another one! No date though._

> “I don’t want you to think that I only need you after I fuck something up. Although I do need you right now and I did fuck up. It was the most difficult race I’ve ever experienced and it was going great… until it wasn’t. I rammed into Mark like a total amateur, taking us both out. No wonder people are dragging me through the mud. I totally deserve it. But that’s not the worst part. The worst part is that I cried my eyes out in the garage and they showed it on live TV. You are the only person who can watch me crying without me feeling ashamed. I need to hear your voice, but I don’t want to put you on the spot. Sometimes I feel like I’m nine years old. And you don’t need a child, you need a man. I’m so immature.”
> 
> “Every time I think of you, I write down your name. Looks like an obsession. I know I should call you, but I’m afraid to do it. I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that we are not a couple. I often wonder what you’re doing. I’m sure you can take care of yourself. You know what you want (I said the opposite, I know). Maybe you already started dating someone else… Fuck, I hate these thoughts. I hate comparing myself to other guys because… it makes me wonder. What could a beautiful girl like you see in such a ugly troll like me?”

_Troll?_ Hanna frowned. It was exactly the same word that had appeared on her mind when she found that photo of short-haired grimacing Seb.

“You idiot…” she grunted under her breath. How could he be so cruel to himself? She was sure they had settled this argument once and for all. She thought he understood that his face and his body were perfect in her eyes. No matter if he was grimacing or if he had blisters on his lips or how short his hair was.

Hanna turned the page.

> “Fucked up again. Packed the wrong trousers (looooong legs) and those sunglasses you hate (I hate them too). I look awful and I guess that’s a good image. Because I feel awful too. I’m pretending that I’ve put that embarrassing incident behind, but the truth is I’m still ashamed. It’s always on my mind.”
> 
> “Hanna, Hanna, Hanna…”
> 
> “I finished P4. Would love to know if you’ve seen it. I had a dream that we talked on the phone and you said that you’re proud of me. It was just a dream. The truth is I neglected you and even the biggest success in racing won’t erase that failure.”
> 
> “Hanna, Hanna, Hanna.”
> 
> “Okay. That’s enough. Fixed my reputation in the paddock, now I’m starting to work on my character.
> 
> Yesterday, I paid a visit to Aki Hintsa. He’s a doctor who works for McLaren (used to work with Kimi, he’s a Finn too. Turned out he lives in Walchwill! Can you believe it?). I told him about you. He helped me figure out what my problem is. I can’t build my life on hope that I will become Formula 1 world champion. It’s my goal, but it’s not what I really want from life. I don’t want fame and all those privileges that famous people have. I want a normal life, I want to have a family and to provide for it.
> 
> Aki said that happiness that comes from success in sport is temporary and hard to achieve. There’s always a new season and you have to start from the beginning again. You need to constantly recharge your batteries. And if I won’t have a happy life outside my work, I won’t have where to draw the energy from.
> 
> Aki asked me many important questions that I never asked myself before. Who am I? What are my goals? What are my interests? When do I feel the happiest? It took me a while to respond, but not because I didn’t know. I was just surprised that I couldn’t see it earlier. My goal is to make myself and you happy. Because I’m the happiest when I’m coming home and you are there.
> 
> I know what I did wrong. I assumed that you were willing to put up with everything I do, because I’m the only person who can make you happy. I was sure that you would never leave me, no matter what. I can’t believe I could be so selfish and stupid. I don’t know if you still love me. Maybe you forced yourself to forget about me for your own good. Maybe someone else is making you happy.
> 
> I have another meeting with Aki tomorrow. We’ll talk about stress and recovery. He wasn’t too happy when I told him how much I train. He said that I will burn myself out. I need to learn to rest and relax, and I should sleep more. I loved sleeping with you…”
> 
> “I had a dream that I was in Heppenheim. I searched the entire town, looking for you. The weather was bad and I kept spotting you in different places, but you kept disappearing like a ghost. Finally I saw you in the park, next to the big fountain. I ran, calling your name, begging you to wait for me. You saw me, but you disappeared again and I felt in my heart that you didn't love me anymore.”

Hanna looked away from the page, shaking despite the heating running on high setting.

_No. That sounds wrong. So wrong._

When she looked out the window, it turned out that Sebastian’s car was still parked. And Sebastian was inside. Waiting.

Hanna took the keys out of the ignition. The chilling wind yanked on her clothes when she got out of the car. She paused, seeing that Sebastian got out of his BMW as well.

The wind was pushing her toward him. She didn’t resist.

They met halfway. Hanna’s face was damp with drizzle when she stood in front of Sebastian. He looked terrified. His feelings had to be similar to what he felt in that nightmare. But Hanna had no intention to dissappear.

“You should’ve just called. The day after we had the argument.”

“I know. I’m sorry.” Tears sparkled in his eyes, or maybe it was the drizzle. “It took me a while to understand. You were right… I treated you unfairly.” His voice was thick with emotion. “I got carried away with success… I let it go to my head…” He took a step forward. Hanna let him take her hand, his fingers were cold too. “Please, forgive me.”

The sight of suffering and regret on his face hurt her to the bone.  _His happiness is in my hands. And mine in his._

“I forgive you,” she said, feeling the warmth of tears on her cheeks. “But don’t you ever get radio silent on me again. No matter what. Do you understand?” She clenched hands on his arms and shook him gently.

He nodded, his eyes large as teacups.

Hanna sighed, finally able to shrug the frustration and anger off her shoulders. “You hurt me badly, Sebastian,” she said, stepping closer to him. “But I never stopped loving you. Not even for a second,” she added, slipping into his embrace.

He let out a relieved sob.

Hanna closed her eyes, a feeling of calmness washing over her… calmness and joy. And order emerging from chaos. Familiar and renewed.

They clung to each other, the way they used to when they first started dating, squeezing each other tightly until it hurt.

_Our private wrestling competition…_

Sebastian gave up first. He leaned away and cupped Hanna’s face with both hands. “Love you so much.”

Hanna stood on tips of her toes, demanding a kiss. She didn’t have to wait long. Their lips met so impetuously, their teeth clattered.

“Ouch…”

“Sorry…” The air from Sebastian’s mouth tickled Hanna’s nose.

They tried again. Carefully. Warming each other up with love.

Sebastian kissed Hanna's nose and her forehead, before hugging her once more. “Get in the car. Let’s check that hotel Ralf mentioned.”

“What about my car?”

“I’ll take care of it.”

Hanna returned to her car to pick up her bag (and the umbrella), feeling like a different person. Light-footed Hanna. Happy Hanna. Hanna who had everything she needed at hand. Even though she had no clothes to change.

 _Maybe I would’ve managed to set up my life without him_ , she thought. _I was actually on the right track. But… he’s the one I want. He’s my soulmate._

Sebastian held the door for her. Hanna settled in the passenger seat of the BWM; never before had it felt so comfortable.

“What’s Ralf doing?”

“He’s watching over Mathilda. Didn’t want to leave her alone.”

Hanna’s head dropped back against the headrest, her eyelids heavy with tiredness. Thank God she didn’t have to drive to Heppenheim.

 

*

 

Sebastian took her keys and went to re-park her car.

Hanna grabbed a t-shirt he had found for her and went to the bathroom. A hot shower made her even more sleepy. She wiped herself with a towel and put Sebastian’s t-shirt on. He said it was fresh, but since it was folded together with his other clothes, it smelled as if he’d been wearing it.

Hanna put the underwear and the socks back on and left the bathroom. The bed was attracting her like a magnet. She dived under the duvet and pulled it up to her nose, her mind fogging up slowly.

She didn’t hear his return. When he rested next to her, he was smelling of citrus fruits and toothpaste.

“Hanna?”

Hearing him whisper to her ear felt wonderful.

“If you’re hungry, there’s a Snickers bar on the table.”

Hanna babbled something unarticulated in response, shifting closer to him.

“Hanna?” His lips brushed her forehead, his fingers gliding down her earlobe, making her shiver. “I love you.”

Hanna smiled without opening her eyes. “Hmm-glad…” She found Sebastian’s hand under the cover and laced their fingers together.

She was convinced that he would have more to say, but he remained silent. It was an intense day for him too.

 

*

 

A beeping sound woke her up. It wasn’t the alarm clock. It wasn’t her phone either.

Sebastian was sleeping like a log. The sudden realization of his presence filled Hanna with a sense of joy. Everything was back to normal; she couldn’t wait to start another day as Sebastian’s girlfriend.

The ringing stopped. Hanna needed a bit of gymnastics to reach Sebastian’s phone without touching its owner.

 _Is it okay if I check his phone?_ It was blocked anyway, but at least she managed to find out that it was a message from Ralf.

_What would Ralf want at seven in the morning?_

Hanna’s stomach twisted with anxiousness when a few possibilities appeared on her mind.

“Sebastian…” She gently shook Sebastian’s shoulder. “ _Sch_ _ӓ_ _tzen_ …”

He blinked, his long eyelashes drawing her attention. Once his gaze focused on her face, his eyes brightened up as if sun was rising in his head. “Hello, beautiful…”

Hanna greeted him with a delicate kiss.

He quickly realized something was off, deep lines appearing on his forehead. “What’s wrong?”

“Ralf sent you a message.” Hanna handed him the phone. “I have a bad feeling…”

Sebastian unlocked the phone. Hanna took a look at the screen.

> “Mathilda passed away at 5.40. I was with her. It was very peaceful.”

The room was completely quiet for a few seconds, until Hanna heard Sebastian’s shaky gasp.

She turned to look him in the eye. No words required. She knew he was feeling the same pain. And similar to her, he had no clue what to do with it.

Hanna shifted closer to him. He opened his arms and they cuddled in silence, letting the tears run freely. Hanna wasn’t really crying. She wasn’t sniffling or sobbing… She was unexpectedly calm… almost reconciled.

 _Life’s a tragedy_ , she thought. _But there are things that make it worth living anyway._

Wrapped in Sebastian's warmth like it was an electric blanket, Hanna kissed the fabric on his chest, the closest spot her lips could reach.

_It’s love. Love is what makes the tragedy of life worth living._


	37. What happened in Brazil

After finishing their morning toilet, Sebastian and Hanna got dressed.

“You think Ralf’s in his room?” Hanna asked, grabbing her phone.

Sebastian was just looking out the window. “No, he’s on the parking lot. Looks like some of his relatives have just arrived.”

“They’re late,” Hanna went over to check what he was looking at.

“How are you holding up?” His hand moved up to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear.

“Like there’s a boulder on my shoulders, but I’ll be fine.”

“Should we go downstairs and offer our condolences?”

Hanna nodded in agreement.

A while later, they were walking down the corridor holding hands. Right when they approached the stairs, they spotted Ralf climb up toward them. He slowed down and looked at their joined hands.

“We’re very sorry,” Sebastian said when they stood face to face.

Hanna stepped up to give Ralf a hug; Sebastian joined and they shared an awkward three-way embrace.

“I’m so happy that you made up,” Ralf said. “Though I probably don’t look like it…” He glanced at his shoes, shaking his head.

”Hang in there, buddy. Just tell us what to do. We’re here to help.”

“My aunt took mom home. I’ll have to start organizing the funeral, but first I need to go back to the hospital.”

“We’re coming with you,” Hanna offered.

 

*

 

Around ten in the morning they persuaded Ralf to have a late breakfast.

“I feel like I aged ten years,” he confessed. “I don’t think it got to me yet. I was talking with her like a few hours ago…”

Hanna and Sebastian exchanged looks. Talking about Mathilda was painful, but other topics seemed insignificant.

“The key is to keep oneself busy, right?” Ralf continued. “It worked well, at least so far.”

“I heard that it gets better in time,” Sebastian said. “I had to deal with loss in my family a few times already, but losing a grandpa or an old aunt is not the same as losing a sister. I can’t even imagine what I would do if Fabian got sick.”

Hanna thought of her own brother, terrified at a mere thought of something similar happening to him.

“She had all her life worked out ahead,” Ralf’s eyes locked on some undetermined spot on the table. “Maybe she could feel that something bad was coming? Maybe that’s why she lived her life through in her imagination?”

“She said we’ll live in the same neighbourhood. Maybe even in a castle,” Hanna smiled recollecting Mathilda’s words. “I was sceptical because it was before Sebastian and I made up. But now… I think it was a prophecy.”

“I can’t think about distant future at the moment,” Ralf said. “I need to stay with mom. At least for a couple of weeks. We’ll have to figure out what to do with Mathilda’s clothes and other stuff. Not yet, but soon.”

“She was worried about your dog,” Sebastian added. “Should I ask my parents if they want to take care of him?”

“No way. Howard is family. He’ll be missing her like crazy. It would be cruel to put him through even more stress. He should stay where he is.”

“Just as I thought,” Sebastian nodded.

 

*

 

A quarter or so later, they exchanged goodbye hugs on the parking lot in front of their hotel.

Hanna and Sebastian watched Ralf pick a yellow leaf from the windscreen of his car. “Thanks for sticking around.”

“No problem. Take care.”

When he pulled away, Sebastian grasped Hanna’s hand and slowly led her toward her car. “Are you going back to Nagold?”

“No. I think I’ll stay in Heppenheim until the funeral.”

They stopped in front of Hanna’s car; Sebastian’s BMW was parked next to it. Hanna turned to the boy and took his both hands. She didn’t want to part with him. She just got him back.

“Do you have any plans for later today?” he asked.

“Not yet.”

“Could you come over to my old place? My parents will be happy to see you. Besides, I have so much to tell you.”

“Sounds great. See you soon then.” After giving Sebastian a little kiss on the lips, Hanna got into her car.

As Sebastian approached the BMW, something on the windscreen grabbed his attention. A huge, yellow leaf. He picked it up and scanned the area around. There were no trees in the vicinity, but the night was windy, so maybe the leaf was from a different street.

“I just remembered what Mathilda said about letting us know that she’s fine,” he said, waving the leaf.

Hanna’s windscreen was clean. Well, not exactly clean, but for sure there were no leaves on it. “Maybe she’ll visit us in our sleep,” Hanna said. “You go first. I won’t be able to keep up with you anyway.”

“No. I’m going to drive behind you and stare at your rear end.”

“No way. You’ll stress the hell out of me.”

“All right, fine…”

Sebastian pulled away first, but he was driving so steadily, Hanna could stick with him. She was so focused on driving, she didn’t even notice how beautiful the weather was. The sun was shining on a cloudless sky. There was no traffic and all the lights were green.

Hanna opened her mouth to yawn and shut it immediately, her eyes growing big. Something clung to the windscreen on the passenger’s side. A yellow leaf like an open hand. The lights ahead changed to red; Hanna started braking, glancing at the leaf. It glided down the glass and lodged itself behind the wiper.

 

*

 

Visiting the Vettels was a bitter-sweet experience. Everybody wanted to hug her as if she just got back from war.

“We’re glad to see you again,” Sebastian’s mom said. “Seb’s been miserable without you.”

It was nice to see that Sebastian’s entire family missed her and was happy to see her, even if their smiles were dimmed and they voices lowered. Mathilda’s passing left a deep mark on them as well.

Sebastian took Hanna to his room; it was nice and tidy, probably because he was rarely using it.

“Look at this!” Hanna took a magazine out of her bag; she had hidden the mysterious leaf inside.

Wide-eyed, Sebastian stormed out of the room and returned with ‘his’ leaf in hand. “Identical! Ooh, I’m having goose bumps,” he wriggled. “You think it’s a sign from Mathilda?”

“Maybe?”

“That would mean that she’s fine.”

 

*

 

Sebastian turned his computer on. Hanna sat on his lap and they started looking through the photographs of the places he had visited.

He told her about each race, his voice excited and full of passion even when he was talking about that time when he crashed with Mark.

“I’m glad that you’re able to speak about it with a smile on your face,” Hanna said.

“It was just a race. Real life is here.” He grasped Hanna’s hand and caressed her fingers. “Some things are finally becoming clear to me. When you lose a race or two, or even when you make mistakes that ruin your career… it’s not the end of the world. I would get over it and start doing something else. But illness… and death of a close relative… that’s a real challenge. Or losing someone you love… because of your own stupidity…”

His voice got so sad, Hanna didn’t want to listen. She stopped him from talking with a kiss.

He was quite passive, so she leaned away and looked him in the eye. Something seem to be bothering him.

“I need to tell you about Brazil…”

Hanna frowned, her stomach twisting into a knot. There was only one thing that would make him so anxious. He had an adventure with another girl and he knew that Hanna wouldn’t be happy to hear about it.

“What happened in Brazil?” she asked, trying to convince herself that she was ready for everything, but… she was unsettled in a serious way. Because there were some thoughts, mere thoughts that were making her skin crawl. Thoughts that haunted and tormented her. For example a thought of him making love to another girl…

“It happened during the End of Season Party.”

 

***

 

_21 October 2007, Sao Paolo, Red Bull End of Season Party_

Sebastian’s eyes pause on a plate at the entrance. ‘You must be 21 or over to enter’.

The bouncer stops him, brows furrowed. Sebastian bites his lip and turns to the guys from his team. _Help!_

Laurent Mekies comes to the rescue. “He’s a Formula 1 driver. I know he looks young, but no worries. We’ll keep an eye on him.”

“That’s not a problem,” the bouncer says. “Just… teach him to dress properly.”

Everyone’s staring at him and his light, baggy trousers and his black turtleneck.

“It’s his first time.”

“I can see that.” The bouncer finally moves out of the way.

 

*

 

It really is his first time in a huge night club. He recognizes some men. Doesn’t recognize any women.

It’s loud and crowdy. Hot like at midday. He starts sweating.

The boys drag him from one room to another.

“I see you’ve dressed up to pick up girls,” Adrian Sutil shouts into his ear. He is wearing an elegant shirt and a jean jacket, no trace of sweat on his face. _Vampire or what?_

“I’m thirsty,” Sebastian says.

“Come on, I’ll get you a drink.”

 

*

 

He just wanted to refresh himself. But now he’s standing by the bar with an empty glass in his hand.

 _I shouldn’t have drunk the entire thing at once._ The worlds starts spinning.

_Yeah, I’m wearing a turtleneck, so what? At least I’m original. And you can’t see how much I sweated._

He puts the glass away.

“There you are! We were just looking for you. Want a drink?”

“I just had one.”

“You’ll get another one.”

He doesn’t protest. But this time he remembers to take only a small sip.

Just like Hanna. She always drinks alcohol in small sips. She knows exactly when to stop, never wakes up with a headache.

The memory of the girl makes his stomach knot.

 

*

 

He feels relieved every time he spots someone familiar. And even more when someone he knows approaches him for a chat. The conversations are nice. He feels appreciated, he’s getting compliments from older drivers. They’re a bit drunk but he doesn’t mind.

He enjoys the party as long as it is about Formula 1. But there are rooms where girls are almost naked and their high-pitched laughter pierces through the music.

Pretty, dark-haired Brazilian girls. Models. Girls from Formula Una. Young, but… probably still older than him. Relaxed, having a good time. Party girls.

From time to time he can spot one of the guys from his team standing very close to those giggling girls. They have that half-intoxicated look on their faces… Drunk or horny? Maybe both?

He backs into a corner. Doesn’t feel like joining them. Even though he craves intimacy… He misses sex. He misses love.

His eyes move from one girl to another. He can’t help himself. He stares at their long legs. Their low-cut dresses.

One of them has light hair. Hanna’s shade. She’s wearing a white dress, quite modest. And has a cute little nose, just like Hanna’s.

Sebastian’s heart skips a bit when her eyes lock with his. _No, I’m imagining things._ So far no girl has even noticed him.

He doesn’t look away. She neither. A cute smile appears on her face, a smile that turns her into a Hanna lookalike.

Sebastian starts blushing. He quickly averts his eyes.

_No, what are you doing!_

He fixes his mistake immediately and smiles back at her.

“Oh, I can see someone caught your eye,” his trainer appears out of nowhere and waves to the girl who smiles even wider before turning to her girlfriends. “Pretty. And I think she likes you. Go and talk to her.”

“I don’t want to bother her. She seems busy.”

“She just looked at you again. Girls like innocent boys.” The trainers chuckles. “Come on, I’ll help you out.”

 

*

 

He can’t believe it. She really is into him.

“You look very professional,” she teases with a smile. “Like a young handsomer Steve Jobs.”

The trainer disappears discreetly, but Sebastian still feels watched.

“Wanna dance?” the girl grabs his hand.

“I’m not a good dancer.”

The girl studies him with such intensity he feels hot waves on his skin. “I think you’re lying, Steve.”

“My name’s Sebastian.”

“Nice to meet you, Sebastian.” She shakes his hand and finally lets it go.

He’s thinking about his sweaty fingers. He would love to wipe his hands over his trousers, but doesn’t want the girl to read it the wrong way. Besides, it won’t help.

“Would you tell me your name?” he asks politely.

“Guess!”

“Dave.”

She bursts with laughter. “You guessed the first letter. I’m Dominique.”

“That’s a pretty name.”

“Thank you!” She bites her lip.

_Is she flirting with me?_

She takes his hand again and laces their fingers together. “Please, dance with me. I know a quiet corner with sweet music.”

Sweet music? She doesn’t want to dance. She wants to be in his arms. She wants to press her body against… his long trousers and his black turtleneck.

_Maybe Hanna was right. Maybe I’m not ugly at all?_

He surrenders to Dominique’s will. He’s trying to ignore the thumbs-up from his colleagues as he walks by them.

They go to a different room where the music is slow and the lights are tinted red.

Dominique pulls Sebastian into a crowd of dancing couples. She turns to him and puts her arms on his shoulders.

He steals a furtive glance of her face. Pretty. The pretties girl in the club.

“You’re a bit tense…” she notices. She is leading this dance.

Sebastian tentatively puts his hands in her waist. She’s the same height as Hanna. He can smell her hair.

_I should’ve used more deodorant. That turtleneck was a bad idea._

The girl has narrow hips and Sebastian’s sweaty palms are slipping down the fabric of her dress.

He starts thinking about Hanna’s hips. Wide, but not too wide. They looked the best when she was resting on her side. Naked. And he could trace that perfect curve with his hand, feeling the power of her femininity under his fingers.

He used to believe that girls were fragile creatures that needed protection. But the thought of Hanna’s hips provokes… maybe not fear but surely respect in him. He can’t explain it. Maybe it has something to do with motherhood.

“What are you thinking about?”

“How not to step on your toes.”

It’s a lie. He has a natural gift that allows him to synchronize his movements with his partner. He thought it was just with Hanna, but now with Dominique it goes smoothly as well.

“You’re cute.” It happens so suddenly he has no time to prepare.

The girl kisses him, she tastes like vanilla. “Your lips are so beautiful,” she whispers, lifting a hand to caress his plump bottom lip.

Blood rushes to his head. He’s holding an aroused girl in his arms. And she’s very attractive.

His penis doesn’t need more information.

The girl smiles, her hips are very close to his. “Good thing that your trousers are so baggy.” She’s not embarrassed. She seems comfortable with taking initiative. “Come on, let’s go somewhere private.”

He doesn’t resist. Like a marionette. He can’t shake the feeling of being watched. And photographed, perhaps.

They’re in the corridor. The girl drags him toward the toilettes. She chooses the door with a wheelchair symbol. “Nobody ever uses it.”

Sebastian looks left and right before getting in. It feels wrong, but he doesn’t want to make a scene.

The girl turns the light on and locks the door.

“I had no idea clubs also have toilets like this.” The room doesn’t look unused. There are splashes of water on the sink and on the floor, the trash bin is full of used paper towels. And there’s a used condom on top.

Dominique approaches him, grabbing the fabric of his turtleneck. “Let me get you out of this for a sec, okay?”

“I… I don’t-“ Another moment of paralyze and it’s done.

The girl’s stare moves down his naked torso, eyes pausing on his navel.

He can see her face in bright light. She looks older. And doesn’t resemble Hanna at all.

“Relax, honey. I’ll take care of everything.” She crouches down and unzips his trousers.

He can’t move, blood throbbing between his legs.

“You’ll love it. I promise.”

The girl is pulling his underwear down. The stimulating friction of the fabric makes him wince.  

 

***

 

“Okay, stop!” Hanna shifted away from the boy. “I don’t want to hear the rest. I don’t even want to think about it…” She wanted to get off his lap, but he grasped her wrist.

“Let me finish,” his voice was full of begging. “Please. You need to hear the rest.”

Hanna shook her head. _I don’t want to think about it, but I am thinking about it!_

She remembered that day when Sebastian cut his finger and she put it in her mouth to stop the bleeding. He confessed to her about his thoughts. He wanted to be open about it. She appreciated his honesty and even promised him. _One day I'll do it._ She could still remember the excitement she felt in that moment.

_It was supposed to be me. I was supposed to be the first and only girl to ever do that._

Hanna closed her eyes.

“I was searching for you in her appearance, her behaviour… Hoping to trick myself.” Sebastian was quiet for a moment giving her time to process her emotions. “Can I continue?”

It took a lot of courage, but she nodded.

“She pulled my underwear…”

 

***

 

She pulls his underwear. He can’t believe it's really happening.

_Is this who I am? Is this who I want to be? Is this what I want?_

He’s about to get exposed in front of a woman he met ten minutes ago. She’s on her knees and her intentions are clear.

_No, no, no._

_Not like this. And not with her._

“Stop!” Sebastian pushes Dominique’s hands away and quickly zips up his trousers.

“Oh, honey… Was it too fast for you? We can just kiss.”

“I only wanted to talk…” He picks up his turtleneck and pulls it over his head, felling like a moron.

“You could’ve stopped me sooner, you know.” The girl gets up and fixes her dress.

“Yeah, I need to work on that.”

She looks at him, clearly perplexed.

“I’m sorry. You’re very pretty, but…” _But what? I have a girlfriend?_ The truth is that Hanna’s lips are the only ones he wants. And he needs to become a better man to get her back.

“But you want your first time to be special, I get it,” Dominique finishes the sentence for him.

He clears his throat. “Something like that.”

The girl lets out a deep sigh. “Shame… you really are cute.”

“Ehm… thank you.”

“You’ll leave first. Splash you face and your trousers with a bit of water. And try to look satisfied,” she instructs. Now she’s looking even older. 25 perhaps.

Sebastian frowns.

“I’m sure your friends are waiting outside. You don’t want them to think that something went wrong, do you?”

 _They’re all convinced that I’m a virgin…_ The thought amuses him.

 

 

*

 

The moment he steps out of the toilette he feels someone’s hand on his back.

“Well, well. You went all in, didn’t you? I told you she liked you.” His trainer hands him a glass. This time it’s just water.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he says before emptying it.

“Sure…” The trainer gives him a wink.

 

***

 

“I wasn’t lying,” Sebastian said, finishing his story. “But I feel guilty. And I want to apologize to you. I should’ve protested right when she kissed me.”

Hanna cleared her throat, slowly recovering from the shock. She wasn’t going to jump for joy, but still… she was glad that Seb’s adventure ended with just one kiss.

“Apology accepted. Especially since technically you were single.”

“I wasn’t. My goal was to get you back, not to use the ‘opportunity’ to go crazy with other girls.” Sebastian studied her. “I hope you’re not too upset about this whole… incident.”

Hanna looked him in the eye. “I panicked a bit. But I’m good now. And… thanks for being honest.”

Sebastian kissed her so suddenly and deeply, she felt tickling in her belly. “You don’t even know how relieved I am,” he said.

“I’m relieved as well. Because I was worried that your story would end differently.”

“With me going all in?”

Hanna nodded.

“Only with you, my goddess… only with you.” He nuzzled her cheek, making her smile with content.

But she couldn’t fully enjoy the moment. Because she also had something to share. “Since we’re talking about our… experiences, I need to tell you about a guy I met in Nagold.”

Sebastian’s expression changed immediately.

“His name is Marco.”

 

*

 

“Nothing happened between us. It was close, but… that’s when you called to tell me about Mathilda. I really liked him, but I can't say that I was in love with him. Probably because I never fell out of love with you.”

Sebastian didn’t interrupt when she was telling him about the Italian. He was keeping a straight face, small frowns escaping him only a few times.

“Sucks to be him,” he finally commented. “I’m not saying that to gloat. I respect him for treating you well.”

“I’ll have to tell him the truth. He’s a good guy and I’m sure he’ll accept it. Still… I feel bad.”

“What if he’ll look for revenge?”

“No, he’s not like that. I hope we’ll still be friend.”

“You want to be friends with a guy who has unrequited feelings for you? Does that sound wise to you?”

Hanna frowned. “No… it sound cruel.”

 

*

 

A while later Sebastian walked Hanna to her car.

There was some unfinished business in her life and she was still in shock after Mathilda’s passing, but Sebastian’s presence was giving her strength and resilience to suffer thought the worst.

You are my rock, my safe heaven, he wrote in his notebook.

Nothing had any sense without him. He was giving her life a meaning.

“I’ll call Ralf tomorrow morning and ask if he needs any help,” he said.

“I’m free to help too.”

“Okay, I’ll let him know.”

Hanna stopped in front of her car to kiss the man goodnight. “I love you even more than before we had that argument,” she confessed. “And I think that’s… amazing.”

His eyes watered a bit. “I wish I could lock myself in Walchwill with you… And forget about the world. Forget about death, illness, racing… everything.”

“We’ll have time to ourselves, but first we need to make sure that Ralf’s okay.”

“Yes, I know.”

“Get some sleep, love.”

When she got into her car she noticed him study the windshield. “I’m just checking if Mathilda’s not spying on us.”

“She would loooove to make us uncomfortable.”

“Great… Now I’m going to imagine she’s watching us when we… you know…”

“Grandpa Rupert didn’t bother you so far.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes. “Do you want me to have… performance issues?”

Hanna grinned. “That won’t happen. Well, maybe when we’re old. But you know what? I think we’ll be even happier than today.”

Her words made him beam with happiness.

She fastened the seat belt and turned the engine on. He was still smiling.

“Let me guess,” he started after she rolled down the window. “You just remember a joke about erectile dysfunction.”

“No. I just wanted to tell you to step aside because I really don’t want to run over my boyfriend.”


	38. Mathilda

_November 2007_

Hiding under a black umbrella, Sebastian and Hanna melted into the crowd at the cemetery.

Seemed as if the entire Heppenheim came to Mathilda’s funeral.

The people were quiet, only the rain and the wind were singing their song.

Hanna leaned against Sebastian.

“You okay?” he whispered.

She nodded. She just wanted to be closer to the man who was shielding her from the tragedy of life.

She couldn’t stop thinking about what Mathilda must have felt like over the last weeks. New things had to occur to her over and over again, things she had to let go of and things she would never experience. Dreams that wouldn’t come true. Places she was never going to visit. Adventures she was never going to live.

Still, Mathilda seemed more worried about her mom and her brother than herself. And now Hanna understood why. Mathilda’s suffering has come to an end, but her mom and Ralf were still deeply affected by her passing and needed much more time to accept it.

Wounds would heal, but the echoes of their pain was going to stay with them forever.

The priest began a prayer.

Hanna recalled the day when Mathilda proposed to go to the church to pray for Sebastian’s safety. Mathilda was the first to realize that Hanna used to be genuinely scared and could barely watch Sebastian race.

The people standing in front of her moved and Hanna saw a glimpse of the coffin. The sight made her dizzy.

Sebastian glanced at her with concern.

She knew that the funeral was going to be a hard experience. But she wouldn’t have thought that the sight of the coffin with Mathilda’s body would be so hard to bare. It was too real. Too evident. It was a hard proof of the tragedy. A proof beyond which there were no positive facts to hold on to. The only thing left was Hanna’s fragile faith, like a raft on a sea of pointlessness. Small raft that was keeping her from drowning. Just like Sebastian right now was keeping her from collapsing.

The prayer came to an end, the coffin lowered into the grave.

Ralf and his mom were accepting condolences. According to Mathilda’s wishes, instead of bringing flowers to the grave, the mourners were giving donations to the animal shelter she used to volunteer for. Sebastian and Hanna joined the queue.

Many people were throwing curious glances at Sebastian and then exchanging whispers with those standing next to them, but luckily nobody was bothering him and all cell phones remained in pockets.

The crowd started thinning out. A man clad in a grey coat approached the grave and put something on it. At the time Hanna figured out that it was a crown made of autumn flowers, the man was already walking away. Something in his step looked familiar.

“Was that Howard?” Sebastian asked.

“Yes! I think that's him.”

They hurried after Amy’s boyfriend.

“Howard? Wait!” Only after they left the cemetery Sebastian raised his voice to stop the Englishman.

Howard looked over his shoulder. He stopped and started searching through his pockets.

As they caught up with him, they spotted a tissue in his hand.

“Teared up a bit…” His eyes were bloodshot as if he’d been crying for hours.

“We had no idea you were coming. Good to see you.” Sebastian gave him a pat on the shoulder.

“Yeah, good to see you too, but… I wish the circumstances were different,” Howard’s voice trembled.

“It sucks, we agree,” Hanna said.

Sebastian was skilfully shielding the Englishman from the people passing by with his umbrella. He hated crying in public as well. “Have you talked to Ralf?”

“Only for a moment.”

“There’s a funeral meal at the restaurant where Ralf’s mom works. We’ve been invited. You should come too.”

“I’m not a family member.”

“Neither are we.” Hanna slipped a hand under Howard’s arm. “I can assure you that we won’t get thrown out.”

 

*

 

It was warm and bright inside the restaurant. People were taking their coats off and straightening up.

Hanna and Sebastian settled behind a small table in the corner. Their full attention focused on Howard; he seemed to need the most comfort (Ralf didn’t need them at that time, he had the rest of his family to support him).

“Amy told you about the funeral?” Hanna sked. “I tried to call her three times, but she didn’t pick up, so I sent her a message.”

Howard gave her a serious look. “You haven’t talked recently, haven’t you?”

Hanna felt so embarrassed, she didn’t even know how to respond.

“I’m not judging you,” Howard added. “Some friendships are just not meant to last. Same goes for relationships. Amy and I… we’re not together anymore. I wish I could say that we’re still friends, but that would be a lie.”

“What happened?” Sebastian asked. “Obviously, you don’t have to share anything if you don’t feel like it.”

Howard sighed. “She fell in love with someone else.”

Hanna and Sebastian exchanged worried looks.

“I’m fine,” Howard assured them. “I wasn’t surprised. We’ve grown distant over the last few months… I guess it wasn’t meant to be.”

“We’re really sorry.”

“It’s okay. That thing with Mathilda… it’s incomparable…” Howard grabbed a paper napkin and started mindlessly ripping it into small pieces. “We’ve been exchanging messages from time to time. She loved pushing my buttons. We had a peculiar connection. I was pretending to be annoyed with her and she was pretending that she didn’t care about my feelings.”

“She was teasing you. I think she had a small crush on you,” Sebastian said.

“On me? You’re kidding, right? Remember that time we were in Schwarzwald together? She was all about her princess, Hanna,” Howard turned to Hanna. “Watching your every move and following you around with sheep’s eyes.”

Hanna laughed. “No, she wasn’t gay. She was just joking. Actually, I’m a hundred percent sure that she had a thing for Sebastian.”

Sebastian shrugged his shoulders, almost as if he was agreeing, but then he added. “I think she was fascinated by people in general.”

“And animals,” Howard added, reaching into his pocket. He pulled out a photograph and put it on the table. It was a photo of him wearing a beautiful flower crown on his head. “It’s the stupidest photo anybody has ever taken of me,” he confessed. “Only Mathilda could talk me into something so stupid.”

“The flower crown you put on her grave was a nice touch,” Hanna said.

Howard nodded, his eyes locked on the photograph. He seemed mesmerized by that side of him that only Mathilda was able to spot and bring to light.

Suddenly it got chilly again.

 _The sadness will keep returning_ , Hanna thought. _Like autumn. Every year. But in a few months it will be warm again._

 

*

 

_Summer break of 2015_

The phone woke her up from a nap. Bruno, resting by her side, lifted his head.

Hanna scowled at the Labrador. “Down!” She was doing all she could to teach him that beds and couches were for humans only.

Bruno jumped off the bed. As a young dog he didn’t need much rest during the day, unless Sebastian was taking him for a jog (sometimes Sebastian was running along, sometimes riding a bike, but it was always enough to wear the dog down).

Hanna glanced at her phone. “Greetings from Sardinia. Not sure if it’s honeymoon or swimming school. Ralf and Chiara.” There was a photo attached of the newlyweds in bathing suits. Hanna’s eyes grew big.

 _Sebastian needs to see this_. _Where is he, though?_

Hanna got onto her feet with a moan and looked at her wrinkled dress. Some of her family members were convinced that her enormous belly (bigger than when Emilie was occupying it) was a sign that she was going to have a son. But similar to her first pregnancy, Hanna had a feeling that it was a girl.

The sun reigned on the cloudless sky. Hanna looked out the bedroom window. Sebastian had mowed the lawn early in the morning. Everything around the house was tidy and trimmed when he was at home. Not to mention that he was taking care of Emilie as often as he could, and tucking her up and circulating between the bedroom and the nursery at night when she couldn’t sleep.

Hanna was looking forward to their second child being born, but not to the second part of the season which would steal the dad away from his not so little family.

Sebastian often played with Emilie on the carpet. He also loved reading her stories (her favourite story that she already knew by heart was about a mouse called Bianca).

The nursery was empty, Hanna proceeded with the search and went to check the kitchen. Bruno followed her like a bodyguard. It paid off because he got a treat from a jar (and Hanna gave herself a treat too – two cookies).

The kitchen window was overlooking the garden and a huge sandbox that Sebastian and his dad had built when Hanna was pregnant with Emilie. For the first half of the year it was Bruno’s kingdom, he was digging ditches and generally making mess like only puppies could. But once Emilie had grown bigger (and stopped putting everything in her mouth), Hanna started taking her to play in the sand. Sebastian loved the place as well.

Hanna smiled ( _one more cookie won’t hurt_ ), watching Sebastian build a sand castle and Emilie demolish his creation with a plastic spade.

Hanna changed shoes, which was quite a feat for someone with such a huge belly. She wanted to secretly take a picture of Sebastian and their daughter. She knew how much he loved looking at family pictures when he was away. Unfortunately Bruno ran ahead and made a lot of noise chasing the birds away from a nearby pond before invading the sandpit, his stolen realm.

Emilie hit the dog’s paw with the spade; he didn’t seem to have noticed. As he was trying to get Seb’s attention, he brushed Emilie’s face with his tail. She didn’t like it and burst out crying.

“Great…” Sebastian found a tennis ball and threw it far away. Bruno ran to fetch it so for a moment he was out of the picture. But Emilie was still putting on a concert.

“There, there,” Sebastian picked her up, walked over to a bench nearby, sat down and put the child on his lap. “Little hands? Intact. Little legs? Intact? Nose? Intact. Tiny ears? Intact. Why is she crying?”

Emilie gazed at him with curiosity before checking her little legs and hands and then looking back at him.

“Look who’s coming!”

Emilie spotted Hanna and forgot about the tears.

“You have the same hairdo,” Sebastian noticed.

It was not a compliment. Hanna’s hair was messed up after the nap and Emilie… well… her dad was supposed to take care of it in the morning and he was so careful not to pull her hair, her ponytail turned out quite loose.

“Ralf sent me a photo.” Hanna took Emilie from Sebastian and handed him the phone instead.

“Wow… nice body.”

“And to think that only a few years ago he wasn’t comfortable wearing shorts.”

“I was talking about Chiara.”

Hanna rolled her eyes, feeling something wet against her knee. It was Bruno offering her the tennis ball he’s been chewing on for a while. Hanna wiped it on her dress and handed to her daughter.

“Throw the ball for the doggie,” she said, letting the little girl stand on the grass.

Emilie needed to focus (sometimes, when she lifted an object over her head, it would slip out of her tiny hand and fall behind her), but the throw was fetchable.

“I’ll keep an eye on her, you sit down and relax,” Sebastian said.

“Do I look that bad?” Hanna joked.

“No! You look amazing.”

Hanna sat down and put a hand on her belly.

Sebastian sat Emilie back in the sandpit, organizing the toys around her.

“What happened to those flowers?” Hanna asked, spotting a bunch of freshly picked flowers on the grass.

“I wanted to make a crown, but I underestimated my skills.”

“Give them to me.”

Since Emilie was happy to play by herself and Bruno was busy somewhere else, Sebastian sat down next to Hanna.

For a while he was just staring at her fingers with a mysterious look on his face as she was making the flower crown. Then suddenly he grabbed her phone and started taking pictures.

When he pointed the camera at her, she covered her face. “You already have enough photos of fat Hanna in your collection.”

“You’re not fat.”

“I’m 10 kilograms heavier than last summer.”

“Because there’s a tiny treasure in your belly.”

“Doesn’t feel tiny at all.”

Sebastian’s eyes filled with fondness. “There is nothing more beautiful in a man’s eyes than the look of a woman who’s carrying his child. You’ll have to take my word for it.”

Hanna looked him in the eye. She believed him. His eyes were telling her things that words couldn’t express.

“You know that my grumpiness is hormonal,” she confessed. “In fact, I’ve never been happier.” The grimace on her face didn’t correspond with her words.

“What’s wrong?”

“She’s kicking again.”

Sebastian pressed a hand to Hanna’s belly. She helped him feel the right spot.

“Can you feel it?”

“You really think it’s a girl? She’s so fidgety… and your belly is huge compared to when you were pregnant with Emilie.”

“Yes! A brave little girl. Very energetic and curious.” Hanna finished the flower crown and looked at it with satisfaction. “Just like Mathilda…” she added, a warm feeling in her chest. “I think she already has a similar connection with animals. Bruno loves sleeping next to my belly. No matter how many times I remind him not to get on the bed, I keep finding him next to me when I wake up”.

Sebastian frowned, something twinkled in his eyes. “Maybe that should be her name. Mathilda. It’s a nice name. What do you think?”

Hanna looked at him, excitement and joy washing over her. “I think it’s a great idea." She felt so happy, she wanted to throw herself into Sebastian’s arms and kiss him all over. But… sudden movements were inadvisable and… in fact impossible.

Sebastian flashed a bright smile too. “I’ll message Ralf! He’ll be thrilled!” he darted from the bench in a hurry, unsettling little Emilie.

“No, wait,” Hanna stopped him. “Let’s keep it between us for now. Just in case I’m wrong and it’s actually a boy.”

 

*

 

_3 September 2015_

Hanna was happy that the pain was increasing. The more it hurt, the closer the end. Or rather the beginning of an immense joy.

She was tired waiting. Her second child was taking her (or his) time coming into the world. Sebastian was keeping her company. He’d only gone away once for a toilet break.

“Go home and pack your bags. You need to be in Bergamo tomorrow.”

“Today. It’s Wednesday already.” Sebastian showed her his watch. “I only need half an hour to pack. No worries.”

The realization of how much time she’d spent in the maternity ward made Hanna anxious _. Maybe something is not right?_ “I hope it’ll be over before three o’clock.”

Sebastian leaned down and kissed her greasy forehead.

Hanna grimaced. “Okay… here we go again…” The contraction was stronger than the previous one. So strong Hanna barely managed to stifle a moan. “Uff, that was a nasty one. Maybe it’s close.”

Twelve minutes later two nurses joined them. It was time to push.

Sebastian, his face pale, grabbed Hanna’s hand. Their fingers were slippery with sweat but they managed to hold onto each other.

Every time Hanna felt like screaming, she would squeeze Sebastian’s hand. With a force she normally didn’t have. She didn’t want to hurt him, but that was the only way to suffer through the worst. And she didn’t want to scream. Screaming wouldn’t help her situation, it would probably only make the atmosphere more tense. After all… she knew she would persist. She was tough enough.

Sebastian was glancing at what the nurse was doing from time to time. For a person who’s afraid of blood, he was keeping on bravely. He had tears in his eyes and wasn’t talking much, clearly humbled by what was going on. Humbled by Hanna’s strength.

After all those long hours spent waiting, Hanna was convinced that the labour would be slow and tiring as well, but she was wrong. It didn’t take long from the moment she started pushing until she heard the newborn cry.

“She’s so tiny…” Sebastian’s voice was trembling with emotion.

She… So it really is a girl.

The nurse carefully handed the little creature to her father. Unwashed and protesting loudly, her little face twisted with crying.

Hanna felt dizzy with exhaustion. Blinking, she tried to focus her vision on Sebastian and the baby.

“Hi…” he spoke softly. “I’m your dad…”

Hanna smiled, tears blinding her for a moment. "She really is small. Why did she need so much room?"

“Have you picked a name?” a nurse asked.

Hanna nodded. “Mathil-“ She needed to clear her throat. “Mahtilda Vettel.”


	39. Why wait?

_Stay cool. Focus on the road. Only a dozen kilometres and you’ll reach the destination. You’ll reach home._

Hanna glanced at the stuffed travel bags on the backseat of her car. She was going to fill the closets in Sebastian’s flat and… keep the piles of her clothes next to the piles of Seb’s clothes forever.

He was unaware that she was already on her way. And Hanna had no intention to let him know, because she wanted to surprise him.

_I wonder what he’s doing? Maybe he’s working out? Maybe cleaning the bathroom?_

_Is he as excited as I am? Does he feel that something really electrifying is about to happen?_

_He probably already put fresh sheets on the bed. And made sure there are enough condoms in the bedside drawer._

Thank God her period was over.

Before leaving Nagold she took a shower and put on new lingerie. She had a feeling that she wouldn’t have time to do it once she’d get to Walchwil. She was still in the car and her sexual excitement was already high. Once she would see Sebastian in his domestic habitat, she would probably jump on him like Elmyra from Tiny Toon Adventures. She would drag him to the bed and then…

Hearing a police siren right behind her, Hanna pressed the brake pedal. But it was already too late.

 

***

 

She parked in front of Sebastian’s garage, trying to decide if she should take any bags upstairs.

She took only her handbag, locked the car and headed to the entrance, hoping Sebastian wouldn’t suddenly feel the need to look out the window.

She quietly climbed the stairs, thinking about the neighbours that lived under Sebastian’s flat. They were supposed to be gone until the end of the year.

As she paused at the door, she heard music coming from the flat.

 _Perfect_ , she thought. _He won’t hear me enter._

Sebastian often listened to the music during his work-outs. Was he sweating his ass off in his small gym-room?

Hanna entered the flat, put her bag down and took the coat and the shoes off.

She barely managed to keep herself from laughing when she heard Sebastian join the chorus. His voice was coming from the living room, the one with the kitchen annex.

Judging by the chopping sound, he was preparing a meal.

Hanna paused behind the door, waiting for God knows what. _Maybe I should undress and send him an SMS from the bed?_

The song ended. Sebastian went silent before letting out a huge sigh. Hanna pressed a hand to her heart. _Is there something wrong or is he simply missing me?_ she wondered. There was only one way to find out.

She entered the room and saw him; he was rinsing something in the sink. He was wearing blue shorts and a white t-shirt. His hair seemed wet, as if he just took a shower.

On the worktop Hanna spotted different vegetables and a pack of feta cheese.

Holding her breath, she approached the boy. But before she managed to decide if she should touch him or say something, he turned and screamed, clearly startled by her presence.

Hanna screamed too which made Sebastian burst out laughing.

“Why are _you_ screaming?” he asked.

Hanna didn’t know. Her heart was hammering and she craved a proper kiss.

“I’ve got a speeding ticked…” She was talking, but her focus was already fully consumed by Sebastian’s cherry lips.

His expression changed as he reached out and cupped her face.

One short kiss, one look in the eye.

“Welcome home…”

 _More._ Hanna wrapped her arms around Sebastian’s neck and kissed him properly, feeling his hands slide down her curves.

They had enjoyed a couple of kissing sessions since they got back together, but she needed much more to feel satisfied.

She slipped a hand under his shirt.

“Speeding ticket, you say…” he said, fidgeting. “You should’ve told the policeman that you’re in a hurry to finally go all the way with your extremely attractive boyfriend. It’s been months since the last time you had sex and you’re a ticking bomb. Only your sexy boyfriend can safely dismantle you… or rather perform a controlled explosion.”

Hanna bit her lip, seductively. “Don’t pretend that there’s nothing ticking inside you.”

“Oh… that’s just the kitchen timer,” he said with a smug face. “I’m boiling eggs for the salad.”

Hanna pursed her lips in a pout. “I thought you missed me…”

“Of course I missed you.”

“You know what I mean…”

He knew. He was just teasing her. And in truth, she didn’t mind.

“It’s been three days since you met with Marco, but I still don’t know how it went,” he said, “I can imagine that you don’t want to revisit the topic. You’ve lost a friend. Who was also a great cook. So I wanted to make it up to you and prepare some food. I had to start with something simple. Like a salad with eggs.”

Hanna pulled up a chair and sat down. “All right then. Let me tell you about my meeting with Marco.”

 

_Three days earlier_

Hanna opened the door to let Marco in, her smile only about twenty percent natural.

“Hi, how are you holding up?” he had an umbrella in one hand and a paper bag in the other, so the greeting proceeded without physical contact.

“Not too bad.”

“So sorry about your friend. I can’t even imagine what her family must be going through.”

Hanna took the bag from the Italian. “What’s that?”

“A bit of my experimental pasta. I want to add some new recipes to the menu and I need someone to be my taster.”

“It smells amazing.” Hanna thought of Sebastian and how he would love to be Marco’s taster. He loved Italian food. He needed to tend his weight, but… tasting is not feasting.

_Don’t even think about that. Marco and Sebastian will never be friends._

“I brought that bottle of wine you told me to keep.”

“Good idea.” Wine was usually helping Hanna to relax and she really needed it right now.

When she was looking for some cutlery and glasses, Marco unpacked the pasta.

“Enjoy my new recipe,” he said after she came back.

Hanna tasted a bit; the composition of spices was otherworldly. It was just pasta, but she haven’t tasted anything like it in her life. “This is soooo good…”

 

(“I wonder how did it make him feel when you moaned like that,” Sebastian chuckled. “If I get interested in cooking, maybe I could reach his level in a few years…”

“Why? It’s his talent. You have a different one. You don’t have to be perfect at everything,” Hanna said.

He was trying to be accepting, but she had already noticed that whenever she would mention Marco’s cooking skills Sebastian would get jealous.

“Besides… no one makes me moan like you do,” she added, knowing it would improve his mood.

And it did. “Okay, sorry for interrupting.”)

 

“You look tired.” Marco ignored her compliment. “It must have been a tough experience, but I’m glad that you managed to talk to Mathilda before she passed away.”

Hanna swallowed. “The pasta is great.”

“If you don’t want to talk about it-“

“I do. I have a lot to tell you and I don’t want the food to get cold…”

“All right then. Let’s finish the meal first.”

Marco didn’t look like he had any clue about what was going to happen. And Hanna wondered if they would ever share a meal again.

“By the way, Chiara’s dropping in for a few days,” Marco said after a moment of silence.

Hanna frowned.

“Chiara. My sister.”

“Ah! Forgot her name.”

“Maybe I haven’t mentioned, I usually call her ‘sister’,” the Italian smiled. “I told her about you and she really wants to meet you.”

Hanna swallowed with difficulty and reached for a glass. _Shit, shit, shit. Another person that’s going to hate me._

Hanna’s stomach tightened, making it hard to enjoy the food. She kept eating to give herself more time to think about what she was going to say. But when she was taking the last gulp of wine to wash down the pasta, she still had no idea how to approach the topic.

_Just tell him the truth! From A to Z. No strategies and no sugar coating._

“Do you remember our last meal and that moment when I got a call and found out about Mathilda’s illness?”

Marco nodded.

“The call was from… my boyfriend. My ex-boyfriend at that time, but we met at the hospital, managed to have an honest talk and patch things up.”

Marco put a fork down, his face hard to read.

“I’m sorry I haven’t mention him earlier. I was waiting for his move. Waiting and waiting and losing hope. But he had good reasons to be quiet and he explained them to me. He’s my first boyfriend… and I care about him a lot. I told him about you. I really like you, Marco and I hope we can stay friends although I’ll understand if you decide otherwise.”

Marco was frozen as if in shock.

Hanna could only imagine the storm of emotions, hurt, disappointment, anger raging inside him; he seemed on top of it, but maybe he was just overwhelmed? Maybe he was about to burst? Maybe he was trying to figure out whether he should respond or grab his things and leave without a word?

“It would be easy to pretend that our previous date was just a friendly dinner, but I remember that before Sebastian, my boyfriend, called, you took my hand and wanted to say something…”

The Italian looked her in the eye. There was no resentment in his gaze. “Sebastian Vettel? The Toro Rosso driver?”

“Yes,” Hanna said, desperately trying to figure out if that bit of information was in any way significant. “You knew? Since when?”

Marco sat up. Hanna managed to catch a glimpse of something that resembled discomfort on his face. “There are many ‘tifosi’ in my family. And I have a good memory for faces. I recognized you the day you entered the pizzeria for the first time. I remembered seeing a couple of pictures of you with Vettel. From the paddock in Monza. You had a different haircut and sunglasses, but I recognized you anyway. Because… there’s something special about your face. Something sweet and natural…”

Hanna frowned. “And that was the reason why you decided to talk to me? Because I was Vettel’s girlfriend?”

“No, I was just being friendly. In fact, after we started hanging out I got a bit uncomfortable that you weren’t mentioning having a boyfriend. Because I wanted us to be friends, nothing more.”

Hanna’s jaw dropped.

Marco looked down. “During that dinner at my place, when I took your hand… It probably looked like I wanted to confess my feelings to you. I realized that you were expecting something more from our relationship but I couldn’t give it to you…” He took a deep breath and looked Hanna in the eye. “Because I’m gay.”

A moment of a confused silence followed.

“Oh my god…” Hanna buried her face in her hands. She felt like crying and laughing at the same time.

_How could I’ve been so blind?_

It wasn’t his tactfulness and respect that kept him from flirting with her. He just wasn’t interested in her in that way. It made sense; the burden of guilt Hanna had been carrying for days disappeared in an instant.

“If there is someone who should apologize, it’s me,” Marco continued. “I wanted to do it at that dinner, but first I needed to get you into a forgiving mood. That’s why I prepared the food and poured wine into our glasses and told you how special you are… I wasn’t trying to seduce you, I was just telling the truth. I should’ve somehow made it clear when we started hanging out.”

Hanna uncovered her wet eyes.

Marco grimaced at the sight. “I’m sorry…”

“Don’t be! I’m relieved!” Hanna laughed, studying him through the tears. He was still the same man. And he was still her friend.

“We’re both lucky,” he said, reaching for the bottle. “I’m glad that you’re back with Sebastian. I only saw a few pictures of you two, but you looked nice together.”

Hanna wiped her eyes and grinned. “Don’t take it the wrong way, but I’m really glad that you’re gay.”

 

***

 

_Today_

Sebastian narrowed his eyes. “I don’t believe him. I think he made that up to make you feel better. And to give himself an opportunity to stay close to you. As a ‘friend’”, he said, making the quotation marks in the air.

Hanna rolled her eyes. “I thought you would be happy! Can you imagine my relief?”

Sebastian looked down at the cucumber he was chopping. “I guess I’ll have to meet him and take a good look at him.”

“If he had ‘gay’ written on his forehead, I would’ve noticed,” Hanna said, stealing a bit of cucumber from the board. “I met his sister Chiara yesterday. Look what I got from her.” Hanna rolled up her sleeve to display a set of five different bracelets on her wrist. “She gave me her jewellery catalogue. All of her designs. I like her style.”

Sebastian only glanced at the bracelets; Hanna’s tight pink sweater seemed to interest him more. As she caught his stare, warm shivers ran down her spine.

“So… our meal will consist in that one salad?” she asked, her voice sounding a bit changed. _He hasn’t even touched me yet and I’m already melting…_

“That’s just a snack. We have some pizza for later.”

_Later. After we’re already satiated with each other._

“Unless you’re very hungry…”

“No, the salad is perfect. I’m only asking because I wanted to know if you need more time here.”

“I need to add the eggs and we’re good to go.”

“Okay. But before we do, could we go and get my stuff from the car?”

“Sure. Help me with the eggs.”

 

***

 

Hanna pushed the bedroom door handle. “Why is it locked?”

“To stop you from entering until I let you in.” Sebastian put her bags on the floor.

“And when will it happen?”

“Let’s enjoy the salad first, okay?”

“Can I unpack a few things first?”

“Later.”

“My clothes will wrinkle.”

“I own an iron.” Sebastian grasped her hand and pulled her back to the kitchen.

 

***

 

The meal was taking longer than Hanna anticipated, because Sebastian had a lot to say. Hanna listened to his monologue, enjoying the delicious salad. She was only nodding from time to time.

He told her about his new work-out routines. Apparently Aki Hintsa invited him to Finland. Sebastian couldn’t wait to introduce her to him, but at the moment the Finnish doctor was on vacation.

The temperature in the flat was perfect for short sleeves and Hanna was still wearing a sweater. She decided to ignore the heat because if she suddenly started to undress, Sebastian would’ve lost his train of thought. And Hanna liked listening to him (she also liked watching him eat, or watching him exist in general).

When he finally got silent and focused on his plate, Hanna remembered about the surprise waiting in the bedroom.

Sebastian knew how to put her in the right mood.bAn hour passed since she entered the flat. They had had a nice, long chat and were about to finish the meal. There was nothing accidental about it. Sebastian made sure they took care of as many things as possible to keep them out of their minds later.

The only downside was that Hanna couldn’t unpack her clothes. Especially since, in her mind, the act turned into some kind of a sacred ritual.

Sebastian swallowed the last bit of salad and put the fork down. “Let’s wash the dishes and then I’ll help you unpack.”

Hanna nearly choked on orange juice. Wasn’t he just perfect?! She loved how he wanted to do everything together even though it wasn’t the fastest way to move forward.

“Unless you have a different idea.” He studied her as she was wiping her lips.

“No, I like yours.”

Ten minutes later the dishes were done. Sebastian’s eyes scanned the kitchen annex as if to make sure everything was back in place, ready to be used again.

Hanna waited on the side, trying to keep her breathing in control.

When she was driving from Nagold, she fantasized that they would throw themselves at each other and run straight to the bed. Something else happened… time was passing and they were still fully clothed. But also really, really turned on.

She thought they would burst into bright flames, like a lightning hits the tree and eventually turns it into ashes. Sebastian had chosen a different approach. Even his mere closeness was making her heart go faster. He was turning her blood into lava. She really did feel like an active volcano. For now, she was only boiling inside, but… the eruption was coming and it was going to be intense.

They left the main room and stopped at the bedroom door.

“Can I carry you over the threshold?”

“I though you only do that after getting married.”

“But I want to do it now.” He unlocked the door and pushed it open, giving her the opportunity to take a peek inside.

The closet was standing in the same place as always, the bed reflecting in the mirrors. After Sebastian turned the light on, Hanna noticed the red satin bedding and two vases full of red roses on the bedside cabinets. The bedroom smelled of roses and… cookies; the scent was probably coming from the new candles.

Sebastian grasped her hand. “Please, let me carry you over.”

Hanna snapped back to reality. “Of course. Carry me wherever you want.”

After he picked her up, she rested her head on his shoulder. The bedroom smelled delicious, but he smelled even better.

She needed to get rid of her clothes if she wanted to keep herself from sweating. _You’re going to get all sweaty anyway…_ She couldn’t wait to feel the cool satin against her hot skin.

“How do you like the decoration?”

“A lot…” she said, surprised by how her voice already changed.

“I’ll get your things and we’ll put them into the closet, okay?”

“Okay.”

He put her on the carpet, lingered for a couple of seconds, as if wanting to make sure she wouldn’t collapse. It was a good idea, since she actually felt weak at the knees. Not because of the flowers and the red satin or the cookie-scented candles. But because he wanted to help her with unpacking.

He put two bags next to the closet and went for one more. In the meantime Hanna unzipped the closest bag; mostly containing trousers and sweaters.

She picked up a small pile and waited for Sebastian’s return. “Put them next to yours.”

After he took the clothes, Hanna opened the closet and gasped.

Just as she wanted, next to each type of clothing there was some space left for her clothes. Later on she discovered that he organized the drawers the same way; under the drawer full of his underwear, there was an empty drawer for her, and under the lower one, filled with socks, he left another one for her socks.

The unpacking proceeded in silence.

When Hanna was organizing her underwear, Sebastian went to light the candles.

Kneeling in front of the drawers, Hanna put her bras inside and froze. Her cheeks were smarting so intensely as if she was having some kind of an allergic reaction. “I can’t breathe…” she whispered.

Sebastian darted to her. “Maybe it’s the scent? I’ll open the widow!”

“No… I’m just seriously turned on…” Hanna confessed. “How can you be so composed? I don’t get it…”

Sebastian smiled, at first he just seemed relieved, but soon enough the smile turned flirtatious. “If I took those shorts off, you would see how composed I really am…”

“Yes, take them off…” She felt like a drug addict and Sebastian was her drug; she desperately needed a fix. A strong fix.

“First, you should take your sweater off because you look like you’re about to faint.”

He had no idea how true his words were.

Hanna lifted her arms like a small child asking for help. Oftentimes a rising sexual tension was making her clumsy and even a simple action like taking a sweater off was a real challenge.

Sebastian studied her new bra that was showing the natural size of her breasts, with a sneak peek of her nipples thanks to the fine fabric. The sight made his ears and cheeks turn red.

_Finally._

“Do you want me to turn some music on?”

She shook her head. She wanted to catch his every sigh.

“Hang on an sec, I need to finish with the candles.”

Hanna barely kept herself from groaning. Sebastian was level headed enough to help her to her feet and escort her to the bed where she unzipped her trousers, slid them down her hips, but didn’t manage to take them off. She stretched herself out on the cool silk and tried to focus her vision on the ceiling.

When she felt Sebastian pull on the fabric of her trousers, she lifted her head. Her belly and thighs looked perfect in the candle light, her skin seemed softer than silk. No wonder Sebastian was looking at her with such amazement.

She smiled when he was taking her socks off. In one move he took his shirt off and tossed it on the floor.

Hanna bit her lip, studying his torso. He wasn’t exactly a big guy, his shoulders were narrow, but the muscles, especially on his arms and belly were well-defined.

Kneeling next to the bed, he leaned toward Hanna’s hips. His parted lips got so tantalizingly close to Hanna’s skin, she could feel the tickle of his breathing. Slowly he moved his mouth down her thigh, pausing above her knee. Hanna shivered, goose bumps appearing on her skin. The boy’s lips started climbing up her thigh toward her hip, until they clung to her skin and tear off with a loud smack only to latch onto another spot, closer and closer to her lacy panties.

Her new underwear stole all his attention. He hooked a finger under the fine lace on her hip as if wanting to pull it down. Caressing her hip, he pressed his lips to the small ribbon right under her belly button.

_I still have my bra on… Would you believe it? And his already… at it…_

The boy’s lips moved south. Hanna took a shaky breath…

He left the lace on her hip in peace and grasped the fabric in a different spot, the wet spot, gently pushing it to the side. Only then Hanna realized that he wasn’t just teasing her… He was really going for it.

She only started processing the thought, when she felt the tips of his fingers pressing and smoothing here and there… to make way for his lips. It was all so sudden (or maybe she was so stunned), she felt like hit by a lightning.

She turned her head to the side, almost overwhelmed by what was happening.

_Just breathe. Breathe._

Her heart was hammering like crazy, the intensity of experience shattering,  but she wanted more.

Sebastian pulled her panties down… together they got rid of them…

More was coming.

Hanna rested comfortably on her back and spread her legs… just a little, not too much… _Oh, whatever!_ The second she felt her man’s lips, she forgot all her insecurities. Not just her cheeks, but her entire body was burning now. She was an active volcano, overflowing with lava…

Without haste, patiently… he kept trying different things… His experiments were proceeding well. Especially those involving the tip of his tongue.

He was learning fast from her moany and shaky feedback. And after a sweet while, he knew exactly what to do to make her lose her mind.

Her soft sighs turned into moans and panting. She couldn’t help it. The tip of Sebastian’s tongue was pressing the right spot, like a reset button, sending electric shocks down her spine. Making her hips twitch…

“Yes, keep doing that… Oh god…”

She didn’t need to say it. He could see that it was working.

But for some reason, he chose to stop and move his lips away.

Hanna looked at his flushed face, his lust-filled eyes. He moved away, but his eyes were still on her wetness, studying, wondering, looking for ways to improve.

A few seconds later, she felt his fingers… He licked his lips, seemed to be looking for the right spot…

_You already had it._

His head disappeared between her legs again, and at the same moment, she felt his finger sliding inside her body. A strangled noise escaped her… Two fingers, judging by the feeling. She felt his hot tongue again, moving slowly, searchingly…

She wanted to gently rock her hips, but didn’t want to disturb him. So she just kept clenching and unclenching her inner muscles, hoping he’d catch the right rhythm… Knowing he’d catch it, because he was the greatest lover in the world. He was reading her non-stop, through all his senses.

Just a few moment ago, she was anxious to move, but now they were swaying together, his fingers inside her, her hips, his tongue…

“Yes… yes… yes…”

Yes… the ground’s already shaking… the volcano was ready to erupt.

A sharp, paralyzing pleasure spread or rather yanked her insides. A blazing wave washed over her. Her hips twitched a few times… And then came the wave of relief and blissful satisfaction.

“Are you feeling better now?”

Hanna took a deep breath to clear her head. “Come over here,” she said, turning onto her side.

He rested next to her and immediately sought her lips. Hanna felt his hand on her back. She smiled as he struggled to undo her bra. She decided to make it even harder for him and slipped a hand into his shorts. The second she did that, he broke the kiss and gasped.

Hanna wanted to say something funny, but nothing came to mind. So she pressed her lips to her lover’s neck and started pressing gentle kisses to his skin, while her hand was slowly moving up and down his erection.

_Successfully immobilized._

He barely moved when she was taking his shorts off. Only his eyes were moving, from her hand to her face.

“Would you take that bra off?” he begged.

“Sure…”

He looked at her naked breasts, pupils dilating. Hanna was sure he’d insist on touching them, but he stayed on his back.

 _Good boy_ , she though, turning her eyes to his growing erection. _Oh, to feel it inside again._ She already forgot what it felt like. The only thing she remembered was that it felt good.

He reached over his shoulder and fished a condom from under the pillow. “How did that get there…”

Hanna smiled. “Can I stay on top?”

He stuck his tongue out – for precision – and put the condom on. “No objection…”

He helped her position herself on his lap and held his erection while she slowly, carefully lowered herself onto it.

“This is the best…” Sebastian breathed, resting his back against the pillow.

“Yeah…” Hanna leaned slightly forward. “Perfect…”

_We’re perfect. Our bodies are made for this. Mine is made for you and yours is made for me. And now we’re one._

She gently rocked her hips and stopped immediately. “Oooh…Too good…”

Sebastian grimaced. “I won’t last long.”

“Can’t blame you.”

“Can I express my love to your boobies first?”

“Yes!” _Calm down._

“But please, don’t move. I don’t want to come yet.”

“Okay…” _I won’t move. I’ll be just slowly dying with pleasure…_

Feeling him throbbing inside her, she enjoyed his hot mouth on her nipples. The more turned on she was, the more sensitive they were and the sucking started to hurt a bit. But surprisingly, the pain intensified the pleasure and she didn’t even think of asking him to stop.

“Oh god… I can’t…” she moaned.

He looked up.

“I can’t stay still…”

He sought her lips and kissed her hard. “Go…” he instructed, gripping her by her hips.

She worked her muscles, watching him grimace. Soon enough, he started countering her movements, pushing up when she was pushing down, making her feel him deeper. A few minutes later he dug his fingers into her skin, went still and came without any sound. The sight of bliss on his face was Hanna’s best reward.

“I love you…” he breathed, sitting up and wrapping his arms around her. “So… much…”

Hanna pressed her cheek to his sweaty temple. “Love you too.”

He recovered surprisingly quickly.

 _It’s going to be a marathon_ , Hanna realized. They were both ready for it. They needed to make up for the time lost during their “argument”.

Sebastian managed to flip her on her back without sliding out. They kissed and touched until he was hard again. Only a few deeper thrusts were enough to make Hanna come, her second orgasm sweet like melted chocolate. She was sure that was all her body could produce and that she needed a longer break, but it turned out she was wrong. Sebastian kept patiently working his hips, his hands gently kneading her boobs. When he picked up the pace, if felt like the entire bed was moving with them and Hanna was really happy that the neighbours weren’t home. They came together, all wet and panting.

“Promise me…”

Hanna looked at her man, struggling to focus her vision. _Did he say something?_

“Promise…”

She blinked a few times. “What?”

“Promise that you’ll never leave me.” His voice was shaking. “I can’t live without you.”

Hanna felt a lump in her throat. “I love you, Sebastian. You’re my everything.”

Tears glistened in his eyes. “And we’ll be together until death do us part.”

“Until death do us part.”

In the bedroom that smelled of roses, sex and cookies, tightly embraced, they were slowly recovering from the intense love making. Too tired to move, too happy to sleep.

“It sounded like wedding vows…” Hanna said, feeling strangely emotional. “I know we decided that I should get a degree before we start thinking about getting married, but… I wish we didn’t need to wait.”

Sebastian looked at her with a mysterious sparkle in his eyes. “Why wait then?”

“You can’t organize a wedding in ten minutes.”

“Well, not a real wedding. But we could exchange vows right here, right now. And that’s what really matters, isn’t it?” He grasped Hanna’s hand. “Hanna Prater, will you secretly marry me in the living room in ten minutes?”

Hanna blinked, trying to keep up with what was going on. _It’s just a joke. Just a funny idea… No, it’s something more._

“Yes!” she said without a second thought. “But as I said, you can’t organize a wedding in ten minutes, so let’s make it half an hour. We should take a shower and put some clothes on.”

 

***

 

Sebastian looked her up and down. “I see you still haven’t found the right dress…”

“No, that’s my dress,” Hanna said, fixing a strap on her shoulder. She had put on a white shimmy dress that was actually meant to be her night gown. “Why? Are you planning to wear a suit?”

“Not a suit, but something suitable,” he laughed, approaching the closet. He opened a drawer and snatched a pair of black boxer shorts. “I’ll add a tie to that.”

Hanna nodded. “Perfect.”

 

***

 

She took a few roses out of the vase and shortened their stems to make a petit bouquet.

“Pity we don’t have any rings…” she said, putting her hair up in a bun.

Sebastian paused at the door. “They would have to be invisible, I guess, since it’s a secret wedding and it’ll stay secret.”

Hanna smoothed the fabric on her hips. “I’m ready.”

“When you hear the music, you can enter. I’ll be waiting next to the TV.”

“Sounds great.” Alone in the bedroom, Hanna checked herself in the mirror. A shoeless bride. A bride without any underwear.

A wide smile appeared on her face when she heard the first notes of a wedding march. Judging by the volume, Sebastian was playing it from his laptop.

Without hesitation, she headed to the main room, trying not to laugh even though the scene was just ridiculous.

Sebastian was waiting for her at the TV set, wearing black boxer shorts with a tie dangling on his naked chest. His pose was so serious as if he was standing in front of an altar.

A glimpse of amusement appeared in his eyes when he spotted that she had no shoes on. He immediately jumped out of his slippers and kicked them away.

Hanna stopped in front of him and looked up, struggling to remain serious.

“You look beautiful,” he said.

“You too.”

Sebastian turned to the laptop to stop the music. “We are gathered here today to get secretly married. I have the traditional vows on the screen if you want to use them.”

“Yes, I do.”

“Who goes first?”

“You, I think. We should probably hold hands.”

Sebastian grasped her both hands and cleared his throat.

She didn’t feel like laughing anymore. It felt too real. Because the vows were real. She was going to keep them.

"I, Sebastian, take you, Hanna, for my lawful… ehm, secret wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part." He looked away from the laptop and turned to her. “Actually… death won’t do us part. Whatever happens, whoever will be the first to catch up with Mathilda and grandpa Rupert, my love for you will continue until we’re all reunited.”

Hanna smiled, blinking to get the tears out of her eyes since she needed to focus on the screen.

“I, Hanna…” Her throat was too tight to speak. “I, Hanna,” she repeated louder. “Take you, Sebastian, for my secret husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health…” She omitted the bit about death and looked Sebastian in the eye. “I will love you forever.”

His happy smile warmed her heart. “Can I kiss you now?”

“Yes.”

They kissed, delicately as if their parents were watching and then Hanna threw herself into Sebastian’s arms and he hugged her so tightly she could barely breathe.

“Let me invite your for a few slices of pizza and a glass of red wine,” he said. “And after dinner we can dance a little until we’re ready for our wedding night.”

 

***

 

A glass of wine made Hanna a clumsy dancer. But it also helped her admit to herself that she wanted something completely different.

“My handsome husband…” She looked up. “Could you sit down for a moment? I have a gift for you.”

His eyebrow went up. “Okay.”

Hanna led him to the couch, having a flashback of them having sex on it; her sweaty palm print was still on the wall.

“It’s a bit late for a proposal,” he said after she got onto her knees in front of him.

It took him a second before his expression changed and suddenly, he didn’t look like laughing.

At first Hanna was a bit stressed, because of the way he was staring at her. She was worried that her lack of experience would turn him off. But as she was caressing him with her hand, trying to decide how to proceed, the mere thought of what she was about to do made her salivate.

She bent down, her lips tingling.  He tasted surprisingly familiar. _It’s my Sebastian, after all. I know the taste of his sweat and his amazing kisses…_  What she was sensing now was just another arousing variation.

“Fuuuuuck… Ah! Sorry… but… fuck…”

Ah, yes. He obviously loved it. Even the sloppy kisses that probably weren’t the thing he wanted the most. His reactions, his sighs and little moans were the hottest. The way he was throwing his head back and biting his lip and touching her hair and her ear. The way he was looking at her as if saying thank you, thank you, thank you…

Maybe it was amateurish… maybe she couldn’t do it the perfect way, but… who was to judge?

Him. He was the judge.

His verdict was loud and enthusiastic. A mouthful of pleasure.

 

***

 

“Sometimes I’m worried that I will change,” he said the next morning, when they were cuddling in bed. “I’m not a superstar, but… people are starting to recognize me. And I’m often at the centre of attention, feeling important and special. It’s nice but it’s also corrupting. Because I can get people to do stuff for me. Stuff that I actually don’t deserve… And I don’t want any privileges, I don’t want power. I’ll keep working hard to repay everyone for their efforts to help me in my career. My parents, my siblings, you…”

“You didn’t get much for free, Sebastian. You had to work for it. And you always pay people back. You’re the most grateful person I’ve ever met.”

“I’m trying… My point is… Don’t let me change. I know that was exactly what you were trying to do when I had that brain malfunction and acted the way I did… you know, when we had the argument. I need you to stay on guard of my attitude. Nobody else knows me the way you do. My parents will always try to protect me and to coddle me, but I’m not a child. I want to be a better version of myself every day. Coddling won’t get me there. Straightforwardness and sincerity will.”

“But you know that I’m younger than you and sometimes I have no clue what’s wrong or right…”

“Yes, but you always keep both your feet on the ground. You’re grounded. Like a strong tower.” His warm lips brushed her forehead, making her feel completely and utterly loved.

“Okay, I’ll do my best.” It was his love that made her strong. And she knew she’d always have it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I already mentioned on my blog, I'm taking a longer break from writing this story, mostly to give myself some time to collect some good ideas for the future. And I don't want to rush it or to force myself to write. I decided to mark this story as completed, but it doesn't mean that this chapter is the last ever.  
> Thanks to everyone who liked Tough Cookie and supported me so far. Special thanks to the people who left comments. I hope I'll come up with more ideas soon.

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to know more about my fiction or share your thoughts or ask me about anything or be up to date with what I'm currently working on, you can check my blog: chasingpegasus.tumblr.com.


End file.
